Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Visit

We had a supervised visit yesterday. It was fine just uncomfortable.

With Christmas being this week his sister has come in from Spain and while I know they all know what he has done to me, my daughter and the whole family, they seem to just push that aside. I don't want to cause drama, but give me a break. He gave me a onsie that says "Made with love by mommy and daddy" I will be donating it.

After the visit he gave me a note he had written. I read it and it said everything he has already told me. He focuses on saying he never cheated on me, he loves me and he was depressed and he didn't want me to give up on "us"... blah blah blah. I put the letter in a drawer. Depression is not an excuse.

"Us" was gone a long time ago. I have retired our title of "we".

"We" will no longer be making decisions together.
"We" are not sending out Christmas cards.
"We" are not raising our daughter
"We" are not celebrating birthdays or anniversaries
"We" are not going struggling to stay on top of bills

I am doing all of those things, me.

I am not giving up. I am pushing through. Just me, no "us" no "we".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

After Jan 12

I will have time to breathe a bit more. X will be sentenced and I can take a time out to just focus on my life for a while. Being the best mom I can and working hard to give her the best start in life.

Yesterday I tried to picture my life without my child and it was impossible. I would never risk doing something to lose her and I still can't beleive he chose to do what he did.

His loss.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time...

...I always smelled like my orange blossom lotion
...4:30am didn't exist to me
...The only thing was changed every two hours was my mind
...The only thing I needed to remember when I left the house was my purse and it's contacts
...bottles were glass and contained beer
...I watched the news in the morning
...I could take long hot showers
...I could wake up 45mins before I had to leave for work

I currently (and quite often) smell like sour soy formula. I was awaken at 4:30am had to feed, change and dress the baby... only to have her poop and spit up 2 mins later so I could do parts 2 & 3 again. I set her in her bouncer and took a 5 min shower. Then I turned on some cartoons to distract her long enough to put on minimal make-up for work, get her bag ready, get my bag ready and warm up the car. The last step before we walk out the door is to put her in her fleece suit, buckle her into her carseat and load everything in the car. Now we are on our way to the sitter's house where I will drop her off and go over a few daily checklists, during which time the baby spits-up a little bit more on my coat before I leave for work. So, I got up at 4:30 and rushed around for 3 hours and finally pull into the parking garage to START the day! Ha!
This is a typical day. I rush around. I have very little, if any, time for me. I skip meals because I forget to eat, or I don't have time. My life has changed so much and yet I am happier.


Nugget is worth it.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Love her

This is going to be short and sappy.

I love my child. More than anything in the world. More than anything I could ever imagine.

When she smiles at me the fact that she just woke me up at 4am doesn't matter.

Her cry cuts through me like no other sound and when her tears run down her cheeks I want nothing more than to comfort her.

The fact that I am the only one she wants when she is sad and/or tired makes me feel so wonderful because I want to be that person.

For every soiled diaper there is a laugh. For every shirt she has spit-up on there is happy coo. For every stretch mark, pound gained and hair lost there is a smile and honestly this makes it more than worth it.

I love being her mother.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Amazing Day, Part 2

On my way to the Portrait Studio I stopped at a nearby Bob Evan’s for some breakfast. While I was there I was approached by an older woman and we chatted about The baby for a minute. After she left my waitress came up to me and let me know that the woman I was talking too had paid my check!! She said Nugget was beautiful and wished us a merry Christmas… It was the most wonderful random act of kindness! She couldn’t have known how hard my life has been and I don’t think she will ever know how amazing it made me feel. It was a great reminder that there are some wonderful people out there and they could be eating breakfast right across from you.

Thank you Breakfast Angel!

My Amazing Day Part 1

I want to update all 2 of my readers on my amazing day! I am going to do it in two parts because my breakfast angel deserves special props.

The day started at 6am when Nugget woke up (for the third time since 3am… not a good start!) and we started to get ready for our BIG DAY. I say BIG DAY because we had a lot scheduled into my one (non-holiday) day off. Her 4 month appt was that morning followed by her first set of professional photos and we rounded out the day with a trip to Target to stock up on diapers and other needs. I was really worried about having her vaccinations and pictures in the same day but I couldn’t take another day off with Christmas/New Years coming up and I could only get my pics done on a weekday. My foster sister works at this portrait studio and set me up with a free package J

Like I said she had a bad night and I was extremely worried that our day was going to be a tough one. Luckily it turns out that Nugget was just backed up and one poopy diaper later she was in a splendid mood! We got her a bath and picked out 4 outfits for the pictures because she spits up a little after eating and I wanted to be super prepared. Grabbed a variety of hair bows, a warm blanket and we were on our way!

Her doc. appt went great! She is a big girl with both weight and height in the 93rd percentile! So Nugget basically looks like a 6 months old and the doctor was impressed with her strength. Looks like I have a little athlete on my hands. Anyway she got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried for about a min but it was a soft whimper and not a complete meltdown. So far, so good!

Next stop was the portrait studio. I was worried that Nug would sleep through the whole shoot but she perked up just before our time. The best thing was that she didn’t fuss or spit up the entire time, even though she was on her belly a lot! Nugget can be a pretty fussy girl, she is not a fan of tummy time and she spits up often… but not yesterday!! It was like she was a whole new baby! M (my foster sister) did and excellent job with Nugget. We had a lot of material to choose from and I was really happy to finally have some professional shots of my little girl. After the pictures were done we went shopping and she slept the whole time.





Monday, November 22, 2010

ILs Thanksgiving

I decided to go to my IL's Thanksgiving. Mostly because I knew X would not be there and I would not be going up for Christmas. The trip as a whole was succsessful. We went, talked, ate then left. No big deal.

On the way home Nugget was over tired from being held and played with all day. She screamed for about 15 mins in the car so I pulled over. I fed her walked around with her and we went on our merry way once again.... 10 minutes later she starts screaming again! After 15 mins of trying to put her pacifier in her mouth with no luck, I pull over again. I walk her around get her to calm down and fall asleep so I load her up in her car seat and take off.... 15 mins later she is screaming again! I pull over, re-check her diaper, try to burp her, soothe her and once again try to leave. This time she cries for another 5 mins till she finally passes out.

I am now driving, in the dark, mentally and physically exausted when see something I wish I didn't have to see. I drove right past the park where my X got arrested for attempting to meet up with a teen girl. Everything came flooding into my head. Why I was driving alone with a baby, why he was not invited to Thanksgiving, why my little family is the way it is.

I became angry. What a a$$hole! How could he do this to me, my daughter and our families? How could that thought even cross his mind?

By the time I got home I was tired, pissed, sick (I have a cough/sore throat) and all I wanted was sleep but I could get my brain to slow down. I will never understand. I will just never understand.

Monday, November 15, 2010

"It's like having a partner.." Umm NO!

Do I live with my parents? Yes. Are they helpful? Yes. BUT they are not a partner. People are always saying; "Oh, at least your parents are there so you are not alone... you can dump the baby on them and go out... you have a built in baby sitter... you have all that help... it's like having a partner" Actually, No, it's not like that.

Grandma and Grandpa stepped up when I had my c-section. They helped me 24/7 when I was physically compromised. They have had days where they took Baby Nugget to a local fair or festival without me. It is convenient to have them there when I need to run to the corner store to get milk or formula. My mom can pick up the baby from daycare if she gets off work early and can give me a short break if I feel overwhelmed. In other words my parents are helpful and I appreciate all they do.... BUT...

My parents usually will only go about one hour with the baby while she is awake. (Nugget can be a very fussy baby at times.) This gives me time to clean and do chores before I am tapped back into the game. They both work full time and have varying schedules so they are not always home. They do not wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. They do not buy her formula and other baby items (other than the occasional gifts). They go out without the baby all the time. They are not called home from work when Nugget is sick. I have to ask my parents for help and they can say no. I take care of the baby 95% of the time (other than when I am at work). They have a life and make plans without asking me all the time.

If I had a partner we could split the duties, even if I did all the baby stuff, he could do the dishes and the laundry. He could take one night shift with the baby when I needed sleep. It probably wouldn't be 50/50 but it would be easier on me.

Like I said I do appreciate my parents. They are not Nugget's mother, I am. They did not sign up for co-parenting duties. They are the grandparents. Some women have no help and I am thankful for every minute of support. They love her and Baby Nugget loves them too. This post was in no way complaining about them, not for a second. I just want people to know that just because I live with my mom and dad, it doesn't mean Nugget has 3 parents.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Happy Anniversary... ::cricket, cricket::

My first anniversary was this past Friday. Last year on November 5th I pledged my heart and soul to someone. I said forever and at the time I meant it. I would have stuck through the most problems. The only exceptions in my mind were abuse and multiple infidelities… Well, the bad times in our relationship were much worse.

I will never forget the police knocking on my door. The neighbors standing outside staring and whispering. How the detective tried to comfort me with small talk about my pregnancy. More than anything I will remember how ashamed I felt to be his wife. Every moment spent with him up to that point had made me nothing but happy. We hardly ever fought. We said I love you all the time. We spent so much time together smiling, laughing, kissing and I always felt so lucky to have him in my life. Now I was embarrassed, scared and confused.

The local news ran the story. The last time he was on the news it was because he had helped raise money for a local family to buy a handicap accessible van… I was proud to be his wife then. The hardest part for me has been the lack of warning signs. Yes, he coached high school girls, but I always had male coaches. He never acted weird and even fired a JV coach for inappropriate behavior. How could I have missed it. Can I trust my instincts? I am rambling…

This post is about how much can truly change in a year. I believe that after some time, healing and therapy I will reach a point when I will believe in forever again. Forever with the right person. I want my daughter to believe in that. I will try my best not to be bitter because she deserves to believe in fairy tales and true love… and so do I.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Cute and Annoying

How can certain things be so cute yet so annoying all at the same time?

When my daughter poops just as we are about to walk out the door in the morning… AHH! We are already running 5 mins behind (in morning traffic this makes a big difference) and now I have to change her! I run back to the pack ‘n’ play to do a quick change, so we can get on the road and she is still grunting. In other words she is not finished. Her face is totally red, her eyes are focused and her lips are squeezed together tight as she continues doing “her business”. I am going to be late most likely, but you can’t rush the process. She finally relaxes and I have now begun to remove the biohazard of a poopy diaper. She starts laughing and smiling. Probably a reaction to me laughing at her while she was pushing and I am sure she feels a lot better. She loves to look at me while I clean her stinky diapers and smile. It is so stinking cute. ::pun intended::

Nugget has also realized that she can blow bubbles and blow raspberries with her own saliva. Cute yes, but also messy. I feel like I need a raincoat when she really gets going. I know she is smart because she does it to get my attention. When she is quiet and out of nowhere I hear a raspberry break the silence I know she wants to see me, because if I don’t respond accordingly she will start crying, if I get there within 5 seconds she laughs. She is communicating with me! She is a genius! (Ok, I am done bragging now) On the flip side she is drooling all over another outfit and another burp clothe has now been saturated. The practical side of me is now thinking about doing laundry.

Both situations are CUTE and ANNOYING but let’s be honest it is mostly cute.



Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Why are people making my life harder

I am not the one who messed up. I have done nothing wrong. Just because The man I married had secrets and I did not know about parts of his life does not mean I can't be trusted to make decisions. There is no way I could have predicted his behavior. My therapist, the detectives and FBI agents all told me the same thing "the wives never know", "Most of the people around them don't have any idea or see any warning signs".

So, stop acting like you can't trust my judgement! There is nothing wrong with me. I am not stupid. I do not need anyone to "protect" me by reviewing and critisizing every decision I make. I have been speaking to my therapist (who was a social working for 15 years), the courts, pre-trial services and victim assistance. I have done nothing but make educated choices!

Ok, I am done. For now.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

What being a single mom means to me

It means that the gas tank is never full...
It means a lot o poopy diapers...
It means free time is now task time...
It means more bills...
It means less money...
It means learning to do everything one handed...
It means having to ask for help...
It means tough decisions...
It means always feeling tired...
It means giving everything...
It means quick meals...
It means even quicker showers...
It means a pony tail counts as an up-do...
It means concealer... a lot of concealer...
It means every smile is yours and yours alone...
It means skipping/ripping some pages in the baby book...
It means vacation days are now reserved for baby's sick days...
It means every accomplishment is more meaningful...
It means love, heartbreak, pain, relief and new beginnings.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Why I cried: My real birth experience

This is the non-puppies and rainbows version of my birth story. I want to make sure it is known that there were a lot of happy moments during this experience too. I only tell people the good stuff when they ask about how it was to see my baby for the first time but, in reality it was a very raw experience for me and was filled with many conflicting emotions. Anyway... here it is:

My daughter was born 2 weeks early on a Tuesday morning at 5:03am. I went into labor at 10:50pm the night before with very painful contraction that were 5 mins apart right from the beginning. On my way to the hospital I called the baby’s father, my X, to let him know I was in active labor. We had been separated for 2 months at that point (he is living with his parents 2 hours away) and before that horrible day (when the police came to my door) I had always imagined him by my side for the birth of our daughter. Now I couldn’t imagine going through it with him there at all.
It was my mother in the driver’s seat that night. My sister and my dad came later to offer me support through my natural labor. My family was there to hold my hand, get me water and sit in silence as I concentrated and relaxed through my contractions. I pushed the thoughts of my husband out of my head. All of my energy was focused on delivering this baby into the most peaceful and loving environment I could provide.
At 4am the nurse/midwife came to check on my progress. I made it to 6cm but she had a look on her face that concerned me. Then she announced that she thought she felt a vagina… I jokingly said “Well, that would be mine!” and everyone laughed. The nurse called in the resident with an ultrasound machine to check on my baby’s position and Nugget was in fact breech. After about 5 hours of natural labor I was now being set up for a c-section. I called my X to update him and his family on the situation and he cried. I still had a mental block on him, I was very robotic when we spoke and I just told him that it was routine and I would be fine. As I hung up I felt scared and sad. I had of flash of feeling that hit me hard. For a second I really wanted him there to hold my hand, but I pushed it away.
I had so many unplanned events in my life leading up to this that a surprise c-section didn’t faze me. I was prepped, drugged and prepped some more before they led my mom into the room. The anesthesia made my upper body shake. My lips were quivering. My mom was so happy and excited she took pictures of the procedure over the curtain. I heard them call out that they had delivered her butt and her head soon followed. I heard my baby cry for the first time and my mom went to be by her side and take pictures. I was left alone.
With about 10 people in the room I felt alone. I looked over my right shoulder and saw the nurse cleaning my little girl as my mom took picture after picture. This is when I burst into tears. I felt everything at once; love, fear, loneliness, sadness and much more. I was so overcome that I choked on my tears, literally, because they should have been happy tears, tears of joy but I felt like it was stolen from me. Nothing was how it should be, not in a shallow “I didn’t get what I wanted” kind of way but in a very real heartbreaking way. I should have been sharing this with the loving husband I thought I had… She should have a father she could be proud of… How can I give her everything she needs??? Is there any way for her to have a normal life with everything that has happend??? Will I be enough for her??? These were the thoughts I had when I saw my child for the first time. Then I threw up. I hadn’t even touched her yet and I already felt like I had failed her.
My mother was given the baby and she brought her up to my face. I kissed her and I felt her skin on mine. I wanted to hold her but I was strapped to the table like Jesus on the cross and I was still shaking a lot. Having her close made me feel much better. I knew I loved her more than enough to make up for everything that had happened to us. She was beautiful, and I wanted the rest of the world to melt away.
I still cry thinking about the first moment I saw my little girl. I feel bitter and guilty that my first reaction was what it was. I wish it could have been all sunshine and rainbows but this is the reality. I kept it together for her for 2 months. I stayed as strong as I could to keep her healthy. I pushed a lot of emotion to the side so I wouldn’t have a breakdown while I was 8 & 9 months pregnant and it all hit me when I saw her little feet for the first time. She is and always has been my top priority. Above all else, I love her and without her I would be lost. We are going to be ok, more than ok.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My world, my body and my baby

My world is complicated these days. Nobody prepares for the news that the person you trusted more than anyone in the whole world is guilty of a horrendous crime. His family of course loves him and is scared for him, my family is scared of him and does not like him at all... I don't trust him, part of me misses the person I thought he was and part of me is scared of what the future holds. The only thing that is certain is that he will be in jail for at least 5 years.

My body is all new. I am 15 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy, I have stretch marks and one boob is bigger than the other. With all of this said I am trying to embrace the new me. Losing the weight will happen at it's own pace. All I can do is exercise (I have a personal trainer and I play soccer) and eat right (I try... I could do better though!). As for the stretch marks they may fade but they are here to stay and I will learn to live with them. I look decent in clothing and someday I will love myself naked again.

Nugget is wonderful. She is honestly the best! Does she fuss? Yes, but hey she is still the cutest fussy budget I know. She is lucky enough to get a lot of love from my family my ILs and her "aunt" Ice who watches her during the day. She is smiling now and laughing a little :) I just love her so much!



Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Court today

X is going to court today to sign his plea deal. He will plead guilty to receipt of child pornography. His deal is for somewhere between 5-8yrs in federal prison. Though in federal court the judge can choose to give a longer sentence if he wants.

I will not be attending court because the local news may be there. I can't handle that and honestly there is no reason for me to be there. He will not be sentenced today, that will happen within the next 3 months.

It is still hard to beleive that this is my life right now and that it will always be a part of Nugget and my life. We will move on and move past the hurt but it will always be there.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Fussy Baby

So my sweet little girl is a bit of a fuss bucket...

I know babies cry but mine always makes it sound like a matter of life and death! She also get gas so that makes her a very unhappy baby. I should have bought stock in mylicon drops with the way we use them (one dose with every feeding).

Nugget is also going through a growth spurt. She eats a tons and since only one of my breasts seems to produce milk (I will explain more later) she needs to be supplemented with formula after some feedings. I have nicknamed her shark week because she is such hungry and an aggressive feeder, I should have never watched the Discovery Channel. I am scared that when she gets her teeth that our breastfeeding days may be over... I will still pump though. Also, formula is making her dirty diapers a bit on the smelly side. Nothing says fun like stinky formula diapers!

So, as I mentioned earlier only one of my boobs works! It is a cup size bigger and when I pump I get 3 oz from the right and less then one from the left. I try to stimulate it by having her feed on the left and by pumping regularly but it is just a dud boob. This makes her feeding a bit harder since the right side can get sore and empty fast. I have to give her formula but I am not going to stress, it is what it is!

A quick STBXH update:
He is not in prison yet and after talking to my lawyer it seems that some kind of visitation s going to happen so I am trying to work something out with him where his sister and her husband are both there and it is in a neutral location. I have talked to him a few time and I have a hard time understanding how things are they way they are. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. That is why I am in therapy and he just started seeing a psychologist as well. I am staying out of the court case. He will make a plea deal and as for sentencing I am not going to make a statement for or against him. I just do not want to be involved at all. That is it for now.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Nugget is here!


Sunday night (7/18/10) I woke up to some mild contractions. They were about 10 mins apart but they stopped after about an hour... So I thought Monday would be the day that real labor started so I called off work.
I devoted the day to taking short walks and finishing everything around the house. I had a dinner with a friend from out of town that night and my mom went with me and i used an iphone app to time the mild contractions I was still having. At this point they were pretty painless but 6 mins apart. Suddenly in the middle of dinner they stopped Sad. I only had a few more before 9 and I gave up and went to bed at 9:45pm.
At 10:51 exactly I woke up to my first true contraction. I started to time them. 5 mins apart and too painful to speak through! After an hour we went to L&D. I got there around 12:30am and after being checked I was 5cm!! We were really doing this! My mom and I called my Dad, sister and my MIL.
I labored naturally using the Bradley method. Things were going really well too. It was painful of course and I did have cranky moment but for the most part it was a very calm environment. That is until my check around 4am...
The nurse all of a sudden gets a weird look on her face and announces that I am 6cm but she thinks she just felt "female parts". Bring in the resident who then does her own internal (she was not gentle) and says she thinks LO may just be face up (great!). Now comes the u/s and what do you know... Her head is up by my ribs! How did my doc miss this? Or did she flipped within a 3 day period? Oh well it's C-section time!
Within 45mins I was prepped and on the table ready for surgery with my mom by my side. It went super smoothly! The team working on me were all great and my mom got a lot of good pics of the procedure too. Nugget was born at 5:03am, weighed 7lbs 3ozs and was 20.5in long.
I am so glad to have my baby in my arms, happy and healthy and so beautiful :)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

2cm Dilated

I am 2cm dilated! 60% effaced and station 1! Yikes it could be any time now!

With all of the drama in my life I just want a new focus. I am so excited to have this little girl in my arms.

I have told STBXH that he is not permitted to attend the birth or come down after. Giving birth is going to be so emotionally and physically taxing the last thing I need is to be reminded of everything he did to me and our family.

I am as ready as possible for this baby. I have washed the clothing, set up the crib, I have diapers, wipes and both of our bags are packed :)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"So you are giving up?"

I talked to STBXH (Soon to be ex-husband) yesterday and everytime I do it is extremely hard.

I told him that I didn't want to talk to him much if at all, that I didn't want him at the birth and that I was unsure that he would even be involved with his daughter when she arrives. He sounded so heartbroken and I know he is, but he made the bad choices that lead me to these decisions. He asked me about our marriage and I told him I did not trust him and would never trust him in a relationship ever again. His response was:

"So you are giving up?"

Really? I am giving up!?! You cheated on me and got arrested trying to meet up with a teenager! You gave up on this marriage before it had a chance to start. You are now facing federal charges that could land you in jail for at least 5 years and would have you labeled as a sex offender (a pedophile no less).

How dare he try to make me feel guilty.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Update on Life (and my trip to NH/VT)

Update on latest news:
First off, I am feeling physically fine. The baby is doing well and that is what is important.

Looks like my future X is going away for a while. Maybe more than 5 years. My parents went to public records to read the transcripts, evidence and charges against him... and it is worse then anyone thought.

The file claims there are hundreds of pictures on his old computer (not the one we shared). I really can't say anymore because it makes me feel ill and upsets me too much.

I wanted to believe that this wasn't as bad as it seemed. Leaving him was never up for debate really I knew I couldn't ever trust him completely again. Now I don't trust him at all.

New Hampshire/Vermont Trip


This past weekend I was in Vermont for my cousin's wedding and it was beautiful. I did have to excuse myself for a minute because I started to cry and didn't want to sob in front of the whole reception. Overall though, it was wonderful. They were so happy and in love. All 3 of my cousin's (all young men now) are great examples of what a man should be. I will never give up the belief in true love, but for now my focus is on the most inprotant love in my life, my daughter.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy and Sad on Father's day

I have an amazing father, a wonderful grandfather and many uncles and cousins who are all great dads.

It makes me so sad that my little girl may not have a father to be proud of. I thought this man was going to provide for us and protect us and now he will most likely not be a part of her life at all.

I am lucky to still have my dad around to help show my daughter how a real man takes care of his family, with love and support. I know it is mostly because of his good example that I have the strength to keep negative men out of my life.

He helps me remember that there are good men out there. I hope someday one will find me (cause I am not looking anytime soon!). Until then my focus is on a little girl who deserves something to be proud of, maybe that something will be me.

Friday, June 18, 2010

5 years

He could be gone for at least 5 years. I know he is scared and the part of me that still cares about him feels horrible.

But the part of me that hates him right now thinks it will be easier to move on with him gone.

No matter what, for 2 years there was love. This child was created out of that love. Yes, there were lies and horrible choices were made resulting in many broken hearts including mine, but I will never forget that this child was always wanted and loved.

I will give her everything I can. Making her life a happy one is my number one goal.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Baby and Mommy Update

The baby is doing fine. She seems to be handling the stress better then her mommy. Heart tones are good, movement is good and she is measuring perfect.

I have started drinking Boost shakes to make up for my lack of eating and trying to drink tons of water all day. My head is pounding today though I made it in to work and I have to say I love everyone I work with. They have been so supportive and helpful through this. I am proud to be on the team :)

All I want is some normal in my life. My little girl deserves to be brought into the world surrounded by love, not chaos.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Normal, Not Normal

Normal: I get up and shower
Not Normal: I cry through the whole shower

Normal: I brush my teeth
Not Normal: I don't do it till noon because I forgot to do it earlier

Normal: I eat
Not Normal: Though my stomach growls I feel nauseous everytime I bring a bite to my lips.

Normal: I dream about my husband and I being happy together.
Not Normal: These dreams make me feel physically ill and disgusted.

Normal: I feel happiness and excitement when I think about my baby.
Not Normal: I also feel a deep saddness that the day she is born will not be what I always thought it would be.

Nothing is really normal anymore and that is a scary thing to realize. On a good note, I laughed today. I forgot about everything long enough to enjoy a joke.

I know things will get easier but, I accept that there is a very tough and bumpy road ahead.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I will never understand

I will never understand why he did what he did

I will never understand how I could misjudge a person so greatly

I will never understand how anyone could hurt me so badly

I will never understand how anyone would put my baby in this position

I will never understand this week, these past 2 years and why this happend to me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A new life: Now a Blog of Emotional Survival

I was blindsided with devestaing new on Tuesday and will now be raising my daughter as a single parent. I can't bring myself to relive through writing why this decision was made, just know that the man in my life made some horrible choices and I am not going to let them be associated with my daughter.

Not everything I write will make sense, nothing seems to make sense to me right now. Life right now is about keeping myself healthy for my baby and surviving this hard time.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Baby Shower

I had a wonderful baby shower on Sunday and I couldn't be happier! My Aunt and my cousin did an amazing job. All the food was great and the games were perfect, not too over the top. Everybody had a great time and all of my family came out for the occasion. My 3 aunts came from PA, RC's family came down from Toledo and my Great Grandma (99 years old!) made it!

I wish I had pictures but I didn't have a camera... My mom and dad bought us a new one though! We got all of the big items: Crib, Pack-N-Play, The Travel System, bouncer and tons of clothes. My little girl is going to be way more stylish than I am! My Great Grandmother made her a beautiful blanket which is amazing!

We are excited to get everything organized, washed and set up. There are still some small items to get but nothing we can't handle. My coworkers are also giving me a small shower next week so that should be fun too. I will post some pics as soon as I get my hands on some :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Week 31 update

How far along? 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I am no longer answering this question...

How Big is Baby? About 4lbs

Stretch marks? Found one under my belly

Sleep: I wish I could do it all the time...

Movement: All day!

Food cravings: Ice cream

Food aversions: Not really.

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out?: Still in.

What I am looking forward to: My shower on Sunday!

Weekly Wisdom: Take it easy

Weekly Joy: Got a free DQ blizzard at work today!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

How far along? 30 weeks (7 months)

Total weight gain/loss: I am no longer answering this question...

How Big is Baby? About 3lbs

Stretch marks? Belly is still stretch mark free.

Sleep: Getting harder

Movement: Sheis a strong little booger

Food cravings: Ice cream, Chinese!

Food aversions: not a whole lot out of the norm.

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out? Still in, it may make it till the end!

What I am looking forward to: My pics and my shower coming up soon!

Weekly Wisdom: Drink water, and then drink more water.

Weekly Joy: RC finally saw/felt a major movement. He has felt her before but this time he saw my whole belly shift and it was pretty cool.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Late 28 week check in!

How far along? 28 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I have gained 25 pounds

How Big is Baby? She is just under 3 lbs

Stretch marks?
Belly is still stretch mark free.

Sleep: It is ok. Not great, but ok.

Movement: She is squirming away

Food cravings: Ice cream, pasta

Food aversions: Most soups

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out? Still in!

What I am looking forward to: My pics next week!

Weekly Wisdom: Drink water, and then drink more water.

Weekly Joy: SIL had her baby girl! She is so cute and chill!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I am an Aunt! Rosalie is here!

Congratulations to my SIL (Sister in Law) MC who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl yesterday. Mommy and baby are both doing wonderfully! The baby is precious and SIL did a wonderful job. The nurses were all saying what a trooper she was and I hope I can do the same in a few months. This baby thing gets a little more real everyday but yesterday seeing the little one laying on MC's chest was like a reality slap across the face! RC and I are in hypermode now.

Must finish nursery! Must start buying diapers! Must do everything!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Wonderful Weekend :)

This weekend was so great! RC and I spent a lot of time together and got a lot done around the house. We taped off the whole basement so he can paint, did some general clean-up around the house, bought some patio furniture and a stand up freezer for our garage.

We are on our way for sure but we still have a bit to do. After we move his desk down to the basement he will paint the nursery. Then we can start putting the little girl's room together :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

27 WEEKS! 3rd Trimester!!

How far along? 27 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I have gained 22 pounds

How Big is Baby? She is about 2.4 pounds :)

Stretch marks? Belly is still stretch mark free.

Sleep: Getting restless... I am tired all the time!

Movement: She is a mover and a shaker and she has had the hiccups a couple times.

Food cravings: This week it is Cereal

Food aversions: Most soups

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out? In

What I am looking forward to: My shower invites just went out!

Weekly Wisdom: You are pregnant. There is no shame in telling somone that you are tired or not feeling great.

Weekly Joy: Feeling those baby hiccups!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Work until I go into labor?

I was always planning on working right up untill my due date, but recently I am wondering if that is going to work out. I have been so tired and uncomfortable already that i am scared I will be downright miserable come July. I am thinking that even a couple days would be nice to just relax.

So, as of right now I am going to plan on just going as long as I can... I am hoping to at least make it to the end of July (unless the little girl comes early). Maybe baby will be nice and come when I am 38 weeks. I say this because that is 2 less hot summer weeks of being pregnant. We will see!

Friday, April 30, 2010

26 weeks!



I am 26 weeks today! On an even more exciting note, RC's sister is going to have her baby very soon! The due date is in 2 weeks but she was told by the doctor that it could be any day now. Can't wait to meet the little one and of course find out if it is a boy or girl :)

How far along? 26w3d

Total weight gain/loss: I have gained 21 pounds

How Big is Baby? The size of a Eggplant. About 14 inches from head to toe!

Stretch marks? None on the belly yet!

Sleep: Fine... I wish I could sleep more though!

Movement: It is fun to watch her move around and see my belly dance.

Food cravings: Pizza

Food aversions: most soups

Symptoms: Fatigue, must nap more!

Belly Button in or out? Still in, maybe it will stay that way!

What I am looking forward to: MC's having her baby soon!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't hold it in... if you have to go to the bathroom go as soon as you feel it!

Weekly Joy: Whenever RC talks to his daughter through my belly button.

Friday, April 23, 2010

25 weeks and moving along!

How far along? 25w3d

Total weight gain/loss: I have gained 21 pounds

How Big is Baby? The size of a Eggplant. About 14 inches from head to toe!

Sex: Girl!

Maternity clothes? Of Course! My belly is big and my ute is sensitive to outside pressure.

Stretch marks? Yes but not on my belly... there is one on each boob.

Sleep: Allergies are not great and my hips are perfect one night then horrible the next.

Movement: She is more active at night but I feel her throughout the day too.

Food cravings: Ice Cream. Skiyline chilli... ugh I am gross

Food aversions: most soups

Symptoms: hip, knee and foot pain when I stand for a while, I get short of breath after climbing stairs. I hate being out of shape!

Belly Button in or out? In but very shallow. RC looks at it everyday, he is waiting for the little girl to kick it out I think :)

What I am looking forward to: My Birthday is coming up and MC's having her baby soon!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't push it. Honestly, sometimes you just need to sit or lay down for awhile.

Weekly Joy: Even though he has felt the baby frequently I still love the look on RC's face when he feels his little girl move :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

V-Day?


24 WEEKS!! To many women this is a very exciting day, they call it V-Day. This stands for viability day, meaning that the baby could now survive should she be born in an emergency situation… BUT for me, even though I work in a hospital with a level 3 NICU and work with some of the best Neonatologists in Ohio I will not feel any better until 26 weeks. The real relief will kick in at 35/36 weeks for me because that will be basically “full term”. The preterm survival statistics are as follows:
at 23 weeks: 10-35% survival rate
at 24 weeks: 40-70% survival rate
at 25 weeks: 50-80% survival rate
at 26 weeks: 80-90% survival rate
at 27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate

Little girl seems pretty comfy in there so I don’t expect this to be an issue, but I feel like it was important to know the facts. I have witnessed many small babies fighting for life in our NICU and I have seen their parents standing by their side. It is not something anyone wants to go through and of course we never plan on having a preemie, that is why it is so vital to know the risks, warning signs and when to get help from medical professionals. I recommend checking out the March of Dimes website for more information.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Update!

How far along?: 23 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +20
How Big is Baby?: She is 1.25 pounds!
Stretch marks?: On my hips and now my boobs! Boo!
Sleep: Still quite an effort. Allergies make it harder.
Movement: She is an active little girl! I love to watch my belly move!
Symptoms: Pain in my ribs and hips
Belly Button in or out?: Still in. it is very wide and shallow.
What I am looking forward to: Next appt 4/14/10
Weekly Wisdom: I got nothing...
Weekly Joy: Rich talking to the baby :) and my belly getting rounder.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Daddy Felt the Baby!!

It was so amazing! He didn't believe me when I said he should be able to feel it. We had tried so many time and he was always so dissapointed when he couldn't feel her.

Then BAM! I said "Did you feel that one?"
and he was like "That was a kick? You sure it wasn't gas?"
Me: "Umm not unless it was the most powerful gas bubble in the world!"
RC: "Really! Oh, sweet! I felt it!"

RC was really happy and so was I. I know sometimes he gets frustrated because I am connected to the baby and he only gets an "outside view" but he has been truly amazing throuout the whole pregnancy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

It's a GIRL!! (Weekly update)

We found out yesterday that we are having a little girl :) I am so happy! I have always wanted at least one of each and I have to say that I am glad I am having a girl first. Now if I have 2 or 3 boys I have at least one other woman in the house.

I am not really a girly girl so I worry that she will want to be a cheerleader and be really into make-up at a young age... This wont be the end of the world of course, I hope she is into at least one activity I know something about. All these thoughts, fears, excitement it is kinda overwhelming! All I know is that I am in love with RC, my baby and my dog. I am so happy that our family is coming together.


How far along?: 20 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: +15

How Big is Baby?: cantoupe (6.5 inches)

Stretch marks?: On my hips :(

Sleep: Hard at the moment

Movement: I feel the baby low but nothing around the belly button.

Symptoms: Pain in my ribs and hips

Belly Button in or out?: Still in. Getting shallow though.

What I am looking forward to: 2 more echos next month!

Weekly Wisdom: When you feel the urge to pee... you have about 2 minutes before it becomes an emergency.

Weekly Joy: Finding out we are having a little girl :)


Monday, March 15, 2010

Tomorrow! Boy or Girl??

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for! After a month (well really 20 wks) of waiting it is time to find out... Son or Daughter?

I am going on record as saying I think it is a boy. This was my gut reaction when I first found out I was pregnant so I am sticking with it. That being said, every dream I have had about the baby it has been a girl so I wouldn't be surprised either way.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Belly Timeline






Starting at bottom ~ 12 weeks ~ 17 weeks ~ 19 weeks

19 weeks



How far along?: 19 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: +12

How Big is Baby?: Mango (6 inches)

Stretch marks?: Still just the little ones on my hips... and a couple on my growing chesticles

Sleep: It is 50/50. Sometimes it is great, other times not so much!

Movement: Yes! I started feeling kicks this past Saturday :)

Symptoms: My baby belly, shortness of breath, headaches

Belly Button in or out? Still in. Getting shallow though.

What I am looking forward to: 6 days until we find out the gender!!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't forget your water.

Weekly Joy: When Daddy touches and talks to the belly/baby :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

18 weeks!

How far along?: 18 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: +11

How Big is Baby?: the size of a sweet potato (5.6 inches)

Stretch marks?: Little ones on my hips, but they are flesh colored and hard to see. Thank goodness!

Sleep: Doing a little better. I can never decide which pillow to use...

Movement: I think so!

Symptoms: Hip pain, Belly sticking out! Headaches

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: 2 weeks till March 16th!!! Gender day!

Weekly Wisdom: wear clothes that enhance the bump. Trying to hide it makes you look fat!

Weekly Joy: The beginings of movement.

Movement?

Lately, while laying on my back I have started to have some "rolling" sensations... I think it is my little one swimming around in there! I used my doppler to try to confirm.

Of course this is very scientific ;) I found the baby's heartbeat then waited for it to move. A couple times I swore I could feel the "rolling" happen when the heartbeat moved. I love it!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Enjoying the Bump




I am really enjoying my Fetal Doppler! I listen to the baby's heartbeat every single night before I go to bed. The little one is definitly moving around in there because I have to follow him/her to keep find the heart sounds but I can't feel anything yet. After I listen to the baby for about a minute I try to lay quietly and try to relax and see if I can feel the nugget move at all. There have been a couple time I thought I felt something but it is impossible to tell if it is just my imagination.

My belly is starting to get comments, in a good way! People (mostly women) are starting to notice my baby bump. I really enjoy watching my body change, ok the size of my bum is getting a little scary, BUT it is worth it.

18 days till the BIG ULTRASOUND!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

17 weeks




How far along?: 17 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: +10

How Big is Baby?: the size of a onion (5 inches)

Stretch marks?: Not yet!

Sleep: It is hard to stay asleep

Movement: I wish! I want to feel this little nugget!

Symptoms: Hip pain, Fatigue, backaches

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender on 3/16/10

Weekly Wisdom: Dopplers are worth it!

Weekly Joy: Listening to the baby's heartbeat and seeing my belly grow :)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

16 weeks

How far along?: 16 wks 2ds

Total weight gain/loss: +11

How Big is Baby?: the size of a Avocado (4.6 inches)

Maternity Clothes?: Yes, I think I need to buy another pair of jeans and some new shirts...

Stretch marks?: None on my belly

Sleep: It can be a battle

Movement: possible flutters but nothing definite

Symptoms: Hip pain, Fatigue, backaches

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender on 3/16/10

Weekly Wisdom: If you have the time to nap then do it!!

Weekly Joy: Seeing the LO sucking its thumb :)

Monday, February 15, 2010

My belly

My belly is starting to get in the way! not too much during the day but I am having a hard time sleeping. I toss and turn and the tummy is just all over the place!

I have to take a current belly pic (and when I do I will post ASAP) because know it has grown. It is 40 inches around it's thickest point.... yikes!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

15 weeks

How far along?: 15 wks 2ds

Total weight gain/loss: +6

How Big is Baby?: the size of a Orange (4 inches)

Maternity Clothes?: Yes, I can't wear any of my old pants... except sweats

Stretch marks?: None on my belly

Sleep: My hip pain is getting hard to sleep through.

Movement: possible flutters but nothing definite

Food cravings: Ice cream

Food aversions: milk, mac and cheese, soup

Symptoms: Hip pain, Fatigue, backaches, increased lactose intolerance

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Next appt on 2/17/10

Weekly Wisdom: The ER is a slow moving place...

Weekly Joy: Hearing "The biscuit is still in the Baskett"

Thursday, February 4, 2010

14 weeks

How far along?: 14 wks 2ds

Total weight gain/loss: +6

How Big is Baby?: the size of a lemon (3.4 inches)

Maternity Clothes?: Yes, I am actually getting a bump! It looks kinda like a beer gut but thats ok for now!

Stretch marks?: I found a couple little ones on my boobs!!

Sleep: still a struggle

Movement: possible flutters but nothing definite

Food cravings: I am actually having a hard time these day figuring out what I want.

Food aversions: milk, mac and cheese, soup

Symptoms: Fatigue, backaches, increased lactose intolerance

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Next appt on 2/17/10

Weekly Wisdom: Don't eat citrus fruit after 5pm! Heartburn sucks :(

Weekly Joy: Hearing RC talk about my beautiful bump.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

13 wks



How far along?: 13wks 2d

Total weight gain/loss: +5

How Big is Baby?: the size of a Peach

Maternity Clothes?: Yes.

Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: Not great

Movement: None

Food cravings: Ice cream, oranges

Food aversions: milk, mac and cheese, soup

Symptoms: Tiredness, backaches, increased lactose intolerance

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex

Weekly Wisdom: It is always ok to call your doctor.

Weekly Joy: More u/s pics!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

13 wk appt tomorrow!

I am going to hold off on the full update until tomorrow since I have an appt! I always get nervous before I go in to the doctor. I am hoping to see a baby tomorrow and not just a little nugget :) I hope he/she is moving around and has a strong heartbeat... I just want a healthy little one!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


How far along?: 12wks 1d

Total weight gain/loss: +4

How Big is Baby?: the size of a Plum

Maternity Clothes?: Yes.

Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: Been pretty restless lately...

Movement: None

Food cravings: Ice cream, oranges

Food aversions:
milk, mac and cheese, soup

Symptoms: Tiredness, backaches, increased lactose intolerance

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the baby again next week!

Weekly Wisdom: It is always ok to call your doctor.

Weekly Joy: Seeing my belly grow!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

11 weeks

Sorry I missed a week... to be fair I kinda "skipped" over my 9th week because of a due date change but I just flaked on the 10th week post. So, lets get this thing back on track!!

How far along?: 11wks

Total weight gain/loss: +4

How Big is Baby?: the size of a Lime (1.6 inches)

Maternity Clothes?: Yes. I bought some black maternity pants.

Stretch marks? Nope

Sleep: I have to get up and pee a few times... but not bad.

Movement: None

Food cravings: sweets

Food aversions: mac and cheese, milk

Symptoms: Bloating, tiredness, a little nauseous, increased lactose intolerance

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the baby again on Jan. 27th!

Weekly Wisdom: Do what your body tells you.

Weekly Joy: Hearing RC talk to the baby :)