Friday, October 8, 2010

Why I cried: My real birth experience

This is the non-puppies and rainbows version of my birth story. I want to make sure it is known that there were a lot of happy moments during this experience too. I only tell people the good stuff when they ask about how it was to see my baby for the first time but, in reality it was a very raw experience for me and was filled with many conflicting emotions. Anyway... here it is:

My daughter was born 2 weeks early on a Tuesday morning at 5:03am. I went into labor at 10:50pm the night before with very painful contraction that were 5 mins apart right from the beginning. On my way to the hospital I called the baby’s father, my X, to let him know I was in active labor. We had been separated for 2 months at that point (he is living with his parents 2 hours away) and before that horrible day (when the police came to my door) I had always imagined him by my side for the birth of our daughter. Now I couldn’t imagine going through it with him there at all.
It was my mother in the driver’s seat that night. My sister and my dad came later to offer me support through my natural labor. My family was there to hold my hand, get me water and sit in silence as I concentrated and relaxed through my contractions. I pushed the thoughts of my husband out of my head. All of my energy was focused on delivering this baby into the most peaceful and loving environment I could provide.
At 4am the nurse/midwife came to check on my progress. I made it to 6cm but she had a look on her face that concerned me. Then she announced that she thought she felt a vagina… I jokingly said “Well, that would be mine!” and everyone laughed. The nurse called in the resident with an ultrasound machine to check on my baby’s position and Nugget was in fact breech. After about 5 hours of natural labor I was now being set up for a c-section. I called my X to update him and his family on the situation and he cried. I still had a mental block on him, I was very robotic when we spoke and I just told him that it was routine and I would be fine. As I hung up I felt scared and sad. I had of flash of feeling that hit me hard. For a second I really wanted him there to hold my hand, but I pushed it away.
I had so many unplanned events in my life leading up to this that a surprise c-section didn’t faze me. I was prepped, drugged and prepped some more before they led my mom into the room. The anesthesia made my upper body shake. My lips were quivering. My mom was so happy and excited she took pictures of the procedure over the curtain. I heard them call out that they had delivered her butt and her head soon followed. I heard my baby cry for the first time and my mom went to be by her side and take pictures. I was left alone.
With about 10 people in the room I felt alone. I looked over my right shoulder and saw the nurse cleaning my little girl as my mom took picture after picture. This is when I burst into tears. I felt everything at once; love, fear, loneliness, sadness and much more. I was so overcome that I choked on my tears, literally, because they should have been happy tears, tears of joy but I felt like it was stolen from me. Nothing was how it should be, not in a shallow “I didn’t get what I wanted” kind of way but in a very real heartbreaking way. I should have been sharing this with the loving husband I thought I had… She should have a father she could be proud of… How can I give her everything she needs??? Is there any way for her to have a normal life with everything that has happend??? Will I be enough for her??? These were the thoughts I had when I saw my child for the first time. Then I threw up. I hadn’t even touched her yet and I already felt like I had failed her.
My mother was given the baby and she brought her up to my face. I kissed her and I felt her skin on mine. I wanted to hold her but I was strapped to the table like Jesus on the cross and I was still shaking a lot. Having her close made me feel much better. I knew I loved her more than enough to make up for everything that had happened to us. She was beautiful, and I wanted the rest of the world to melt away.
I still cry thinking about the first moment I saw my little girl. I feel bitter and guilty that my first reaction was what it was. I wish it could have been all sunshine and rainbows but this is the reality. I kept it together for her for 2 months. I stayed as strong as I could to keep her healthy. I pushed a lot of emotion to the side so I wouldn’t have a breakdown while I was 8 & 9 months pregnant and it all hit me when I saw her little feet for the first time. She is and always has been my top priority. Above all else, I love her and without her I would be lost. We are going to be ok, more than ok.


Claudia said...

your story is so put in word all that I felt when I had my twins boys and their that left me when he found out I was pregnant. my sons are now 13 yrs old and they are amazing boys. I love them dearly. God is good and he always watches over his children. may God bless you.

Amy said...

I think you are so incredibly strong. There are a lot of women who would have taken your husband back, simply to not be alone or to be in denial over it all. The love for your daughter simply shines from your words. She's very lucky to have you.