Friday, June 15, 2012

Ready for love?

I am getting that feeling again, though it is different than it has been in the past. That little pang in my chest that signals the desire for human intimacy. It is not lust, desperation or jealousy... just the need for intimate closeness from a person of the opposite sex.

I miss being held. I miss being missed. I miss having a person speak sweetly to me, express love verbally and physically. I dream of it. I dream about having a partner that looks into my eyes and tells me I am beautiful. I can feel their devotion to me and we may kiss, but that is where the dream ends.

My void is that of being in love and having a man in my life that is in love with me.

All of this being said I am still in no hurry. I will not attach myself to someone just to feel needed or loved. I deserve for it to be genuine.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


My life is filled with many angels. Some are here on earth supporting me and my daughter with every step we take. Others are looking down on us from heaven or wherever you may believe souls go after death. I know this… I know because too many things in my life have been timed a little too perfectly. Of course my life has been far from perfect, some might question how I could possibly think this when I have faced such hardship, well I believe it because I have seen those who have been through worse and not survived. There are people who may not have been directly lost by tragedy, but who fade away over time or lose all of their inner light. It is the most common outcome from those who have been shaken like I have.

When I was 17 I went to my high school gym for a free physical. In that noisy gym surrounded by my peers, a young medical student heard an extremely soft murmur. Up to that point in my life I had had a physical at least once a year (usually twice) and no doctor, young or old, had ever heard anything when listening to my heart. The next day I was being examined by a cardiologist and it was discovered that I had a hole in my atrium the size of a silver dollar. My heart was swollen three times the normal size. Had I gone to my soccer conditioning camp the next day in the summer heat… I could have collapse dead on the field. I was instead saved by an angel and against all odds I was able to recover from open heart surgery in only 3 weeks. I was cleared to resume all of my normal activities, stronger than ever.

When my X was arrested I was 8 months pregnant with a daughter. A daughter that would have been trusted to him had I remained in the dark to his secret life. A daughter that may have been abused and violated at worst or shamed and humiliated at best. He may have been able to establish a relationship with her that the courts would have felt compelled to continue. His arrest made sure that she was protected. Any meeting she ever had with this man was closely monitored and eventually cut off all together. She was/is protected. I found the strength to leave even though I was lost for a while. I was able to fix what had been broken. My strength is not just my own, it is that of my family and friends watching over me.

This past weekend my family went to a cemetery near town to find the grave of my great-great-grandmother. In a cemetery about 1 square mile in size, filled with two hundred years of souls we were having a lot of trouble finding the final resting place of our family members. We did not have a map we were winging it. My dad drove around for almost 30 minutes at a crawl looking and looking. When Nugget started to throw a tantrum. She wanted to go outside and run. He stopped the car and we set Caroline free to run for a few minutes while we sat under a tree….

“Look Pop Pop! Looky! I jump, jump, jump!”

Nugget was jumping off of a small tombstone that was flat on top. There were 10 other similar headstones surrounding it including 3-4 that were closer to our bench, but she chose that one. Out of respect my father got up to make her stop jumping on the grave… when he got to her Nugget was now sitting on the stone… the stone of my great-great-grandmother. She had found it. She had told us to stop the car and ran right to the spot we had been looking for.

It is stories like these and others that remind me that there are people looking out for us.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


A thought for all of the ladies and gentlemen who may be going through a drastic change in their life. Maybe a devastating loss.

Survive... then thrive.

Do what you need to do (as long as it is legal) to get through the worst days. Survive. Then move towards the future. Work on yourself and get to a place where you are happy. genuinely happy again. A place where you are a BETTER version of yourself. All the lessons you have learned and the new confidence you found within yourself and the battle you have fought.

Survive, then thrive.