Not so Natural Disaster.

While walking through the halls at work this morning I had a random thought enter my mind. It was inspired by an episode of Mad Men… they were discussing a company called London Fog, and then there it was. The realization of what it is really like to go through something awful, what truly happens to a person emotionally at the point impact. Of course it is common for a person to say they were “in a fog”, so common in fact that I do not think it registers what that means. I can only speak for myself and others who have shared their own experiences with me, but I find every little insight can be helpful.

From the moment I opened the door to the police on that day almost three years ago till about March, 2011, I was in the fog. This fog is like that that follows a terrible storm, the smoke and smog that follows a meltdown or explosion and surrounds you with a terrifying quickness. The image that sticks in my mind is after the Twin Towers fell and the dust and rubble surrounded all those nearby… or maybe a tsunami... When I opened the door to see the crew of police it was like that 2-3 seconds before the cloud hits you. You see it coming, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Then you are trapped. You are almost blind. You can’t breathe.

It is so easy to be lost. There are those who give up and live the rest of their lives in the cloud, or those who try so hard to get out, but are just unable to. Then there are those who get out and find the sun again. I was one of the lucky ones who can say I feel the rays on my face again. It was a lot of hard work, but some of it was luck also. So, now I get to my advice:

• Don’t panic. Never make a move without thinking it through! If you were really in a fog or tsunami, every move would count. You would not want to go running and flailing through the unknown. It is dangerous and a waste of energy. There are hazards in tragedy as well. You have lost your sight in the fog, so use your other senses. Before you say yes or sign any paperwork, read it of have it read by an attorney/trusted neutral party. It is more than ok to grieve. It is not ok to take your pain out on others or yourself.

• Don’t ignore. You can’t pretend that everything is fine. Of course your personal tragedy should not be the only thing you ever talk about, and you shouldn’t spill your guts to everyone you meet, and remember to keep professional at work. However, if you are constantly pretending that everything is fine and it will fix itself, you stand to lose a lot. Especially when it comes to financial and legal manners you need to get your ducks in a row.

• Move forward. I have said it before, I am saying it again. Push yourself daily. At first it may be a battle just to get out of bed, take a shower, get out of the house. Set yourself small goals and push yourself forward. Standing still for too long will bury you in the debris and going backwards will put you into the burning embers.

• Protect yourself. Get a lawyer, a therapist or other professional that fits your particular situation. Stitch up your wounds, care for yourself and prepare for aftershocks and future battles.

• Keep your cool. Aside from panic there is also anger and overreaction. Do not let this take over. Saying things you do not mean (or even things you DO mean) to the wrong person can be bad for you. Posting your anger online could be giving someone else ammunition. In a divorce/custody situation the other party may fight to keep you in the darkness and the brink of self-destruction. Don’t help them. It will also surprise you how clear your head can be when it is not tied up with anger/vengeance. You will be able to navigate and feel your way through the fog better, I promise.

• Rebuild. When you find yourself in the clear or close to it, make sure you begin to rebuild your life. Make sure you build a stronger fortification than the first time… but for every reinforced and armored wall you put up remember to place a door… the object is to be smarter not to cut yourself completely off.

Thrive

A thought for all of the ladies and gentlemen who may be going through a drastic change in their life. Maybe a devastating loss.

Survive... then thrive.

Do what you need to do (as long as it is legal) to get through the worst days. Survive. Then move towards the future. Work on yourself and get to a place where you are happy. genuinely happy again. A place where you are a BETTER version of yourself. All the lessons you have learned and the new confidence you found within yourself and the battle you have fought.

Survive, then thrive.

The Darker Moments

At night things are always worse and I could not stand the silence. The first two nights were the worst. I was like small child with nightmares, only my nightmares were real. When I felt like the walls were closing in on me I would call for my mother. She would sit with me until I was all cried out. The littlest things would set me off. Waking up in a twin bed, alone or washing the baby clothes meant for my unborn child. I once had to run out of my office at work and spend an hour in the parking garage crying because I couldn’t even calm down enough to drive. This period lasted about a week before I started to force myself to get it together. I had more than just myself to think about.

I couldn’t watch the news or even the local stations because his mug shot was all over the news and the commercials leading up to the broadcasts. “Local High School Coach Arrested for Sex Crimes”. My TV was tuned into the Nick at Night channel almost 24/7. It was the only channel that did not have news broadcasts or any Law and Order type shows that were now a little too real for me to watch. I would wake up from a nightmare and see Steve Urkel, in his suspenders, looking back at me. In a weird way it would bring me back from darkness, fear and confusion that now lived in my dreams. The studio audience laughing and the wacky antics were enough to lull me back to sleep eventually. It was one of my crutches, Nick at Night.

The shower was where I let myself have my moments. Outside of therapy, the shower was my place to purge my emotions. I cried and choked on my misery. I talked to myself sometimes. I would rattle off the facts. “X was arrested. He tried to meet a 15 year old in order to have sex with her. He has been downloading child pornography. He admitted to everything. He is sick and not the man I thought he was.” Other times I would just barely cough out the word “Why?” And then I would talk to my child. Rub my very pregnant belly and tell her that I will protect her. That I will try my best to make sure she is happy and that her life is as normal as possible. I will always try. I would then wash all of the sorrow down the drain. After leaving the bathroom I would feel lighter. The equivalent of an athlete “leaving it on the field.” the rest of day I stay focused on tiny goals. Do my work, eat my food, clear my mind. Over time I would have happy moments and it continued to get better.

These were some of my darkest moments. A lot of the time nobody saw this. I didn’t want people to think I was losing it. The funny thing is… after a while… the robotic state I was in for a while, as I pretended to be strong, faded and became real… like I forced it upon myself, my own type of conditioning.

Stiff Upper Lip

I have gotten a lot of compliments on how strong I have been. I have also been told I can be a bit harsh when offering support to others. That maybe I should sugar coat things more or be gentler with some of the “broken women” I have been in contact with. You see I am a regular on a couple forums for those going through divorce or starting out as single parents. I hear a variety of stories from mutual separations to dramatic ones much like my own. From bitter battles to civil adult interactions, I have heard them all.

A lot of the other regular posters know me and understand me. They often agree with me or will offer similar if not the same advice. I love those women. At one point they helped to knock sense into me. It is not that we do not think a person doesn’t have the right to a bad day or a grieving period… but at some point you need to pull yourself back up. Push forward and not give into the darkness anymore. Especially when you are a parent, you can’t let it affect your livelihood. Providing for your family is of the upmost importance.

So, when a woman (most of the people on the boards are female) tells me that she is going back to her emotionally abusive X, that her work is suffering, that she has done nothing but cry for days, that she doesn’t have the energy to fight her X for custody/child support, up all night stressing or worse trying to “stick it” to their X by not agreeing to perfectly reasonable requests… well… it bothers me. Ok, some of it bothers me and some of it makes me sad. I want all of the people I speak with to understand that strength is not always automatic. It is a decision you make and work towards. WORK. There is a difference between venting and wallowing in misery. You can’t fool a person who has been through a trauma like mine. I can tell when a person loses control of their grief.

When I give advice, I give advice that has worked. For me or others who have been through a divorce/separation/family court battle and more. It is not that I do have sympathy for you, but sympathy gets you almost nowhere, inner strength and hope on the other hand can move mountains. I will not celebrate the nasty worded email that you sent your X even if it made you feel so much better to “show him how much you don’t need him..” because you just told that man that you still care what he thinks and you gave him evidence that he can show in court about how you are not cooperative or even threatening. When I hear that you have been in bed for a few days I will tell you to get in the shower and call your therapist.

I operate like a trainer or sports coach. We all have the ability to get through our sorrow if we decide to work on our strength. Our hearts are muscles after all. If you do not push yourself it becomes weak, whereas if you fight through the pain you gain power. It is because I care that I do not baby you. Of course I feel for you. I think it is good and necessary to mourn and cry. Emotions are very powerful and healthy as long as you do not get lost in them. Contrary to popular belief “following your heart” can be deadly advice in some cases. I prefer to listen to my heart, trust my gut and ALWAYS use my head.

In a nutshell I built my strength up over time. I worked hard for it. I listened to those who were further along in the grieving process than I was and I used my brain. That is how I got to where I am. I trust myself, love myself, love my life and feel more secure than I ever have. So, my advice may not always be filled with puppies and rainbows, but neither is life.

Response

I wrote a response to a blog post I just read on Single Dad Laughing. It was about sinlge Dads and Moms and I did enjoy it... thoughI found myself a little jealous of those who have a a dedicated father  for their children, even if the are no longer your mate. Anyway, here is my response and a link to the post:

Single Dads (and Single Moms)


I am a single mother who spends her most of her waking hours trying to stay one step ahead. Trying to get everything done in the 3 waking hours I get with my child during the day while also attempting to make this short span "quality time" as well. Making dinner while nuturing my child's creativity. Doing dishes, bathtime and setting out tomorrow's outfits all while kissing boo boos reading stories and calming tantrums.At the end of the day I pat myself on the back. I thank myself for pushing a little bit further and I scold myself for losing my temper from time to time. When a mom/dad has a committed partner/co-parent their relationship with eachother becomes the model for which their children base their future relationships with their mates... As single parents we are molding our child's relationship with themself. They need to see us struggle a little and overcome challenges. Witness how we treat ourselves and the strength and security a person should have on their own. I am a happy single parent. I refer to myself as an "only parent" since my ex is not involved at all. As a happy single parent I am sure that I will find love again someday, but until that day arrives I am content to work my butt off in order to provide all I can for my child. Thanks for the article. I enjoyed reading your take on this.