Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Update on Life (and my trip to NH/VT)

Update on latest news:
First off, I am feeling physically fine. The baby is doing well and that is what is important.

Looks like my future X is going away for a while. Maybe more than 5 years. My parents went to public records to read the transcripts, evidence and charges against him... and it is worse then anyone thought.

The file claims there are hundreds of pictures on his old computer (not the one we shared). I really can't say anymore because it makes me feel ill and upsets me too much.

I wanted to believe that this wasn't as bad as it seemed. Leaving him was never up for debate really I knew I couldn't ever trust him completely again. Now I don't trust him at all.

New Hampshire/Vermont Trip

This past weekend I was in Vermont for my cousin's wedding and it was beautiful. I did have to excuse myself for a minute because I started to cry and didn't want to sob in front of the whole reception. Overall though, it was wonderful. They were so happy and in love. All 3 of my cousin's (all young men now) are great examples of what a man should be. I will never give up the belief in true love, but for now my focus is on the most inprotant love in my life, my daughter.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy and Sad on Father's day

I have an amazing father, a wonderful grandfather and many uncles and cousins who are all great dads.

It makes me so sad that my little girl may not have a father to be proud of. I thought this man was going to provide for us and protect us and now he will most likely not be a part of her life at all.

I am lucky to still have my dad around to help show my daughter how a real man takes care of his family, with love and support. I know it is mostly because of his good example that I have the strength to keep negative men out of my life.

He helps me remember that there are good men out there. I hope someday one will find me (cause I am not looking anytime soon!). Until then my focus is on a little girl who deserves something to be proud of, maybe that something will be me.

Friday, June 18, 2010

5 years

He could be gone for at least 5 years. I know he is scared and the part of me that still cares about him feels horrible.

But the bigger part of me that hates him right now thinks it will be easier to move on with him gone.

For 2 years I loved him and he lied to me. This child was created out of that love at least on my part. Yes, there were lies and horrible choices were made resulting in many broken hearts including mine, but I will never forget that this child is innocent and deserves all of my love and protection.

I will give her everything I can. Making her life a happy one is my number one goal.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Baby and Mommy Update

The baby is doing fine. She seems to be handling the stress better then her mommy. Heart tones are good, movement is good and she is measuring perfect.

I have started drinking Boost shakes to make up for my lack of eating and trying to drink tons of water all day. My head is pounding today though I made it in to work and I have to say I love everyone I work with. They have been so supportive and helpful through this. I am proud to be on the team :)

All I want is some normal in my life. My little girl deserves to be brought into the world surrounded by love, not chaos.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Normal, Not Normal

Normal: I get up and shower
Not Normal: I cry through the whole shower

Normal: I brush my teeth
Not Normal: I don't do it till noon because I forgot to do it earlier

Normal: I eat
Not Normal: Though my stomach growls I feel nauseous everytime I bring a bite to my lips.

Normal: I dream about my husband and I being happy together.
Not Normal: These dreams make me feel physically ill and disgusted.

Normal: I feel happiness and excitement when I think about my baby.
Not Normal: I also feel a deep saddness that the day she is born will not be what I always thought it would be.

Nothing is really normal anymore and that is a scary thing to realize. On a good note, I laughed today. I forgot about everything long enough to enjoy a joke.

I know things will get easier but, I accept that there is a very tough and bumpy road ahead.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I will never understand

I will never understand why he did what he did

I will never understand how I could misjudge a person so greatly

I will never understand how anyone could hurt me so badly

I will never understand how anyone would put my baby in this position

I will never understand this week, these past 2 years and why this happend to me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A new life: Now a Blog of Emotional Survival

I was blindsided with devestaing new on Tuesday and will now be raising my daughter as a single parent. I can't bring myself to relive through writing why this decision was made, just know that the man in my life made some horrible choices and I am not going to let them be associated with my daughter.

Not everything I write will make sense, nothing seems to make sense to me right now. Life right now is about keeping myself healthy for my baby and surviving this hard time.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Baby Shower

I had a wonderful baby shower on Sunday and I couldn't be happier! My Aunt and my cousin did an amazing job. All the food was great and the games were perfect, not too over the top. Everybody had a great time and all of my family came out for the occasion. My 3 aunts came from PA, RC's family came down from Toledo and my Great Grandma (99 years old!) made it!

I wish I had pictures but I didn't have a camera... My mom and dad bought us a new one though! We got all of the big items: Crib, Pack-N-Play, The Travel System, bouncer and tons of clothes. My little girl is going to be way more stylish than I am! My Great Grandmother made her a beautiful blanket which is amazing!

We are excited to get everything organized, washed and set up. There are still some small items to get but nothing we can't handle. My coworkers are also giving me a small shower next week so that should be fun too. I will post some pics as soon as I get my hands on some :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Week 31 update

How far along? 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I am no longer answering this question...

How Big is Baby? About 4lbs

Stretch marks? Found one under my belly

Sleep: I wish I could do it all the time...

Movement: All day!

Food cravings: Ice cream

Food aversions: Not really.

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out?: Still in.

What I am looking forward to: My shower on Sunday!

Weekly Wisdom: Take it easy

Weekly Joy: Got a free DQ blizzard at work today!