There were many intense phone calls with my X after the arrest. The one that sticks out the most, the one that replays in my head over and over... is the one where he told me he was going to kill himself.
It was two days after giving birth to my daughter. I was still in the hospital and still in a lot of pain from the c-section. The day before I had allowed him to meet his daughter for a short time (Remember at this point not all the information was out on what exactly he had done in detail. I was still coming to terms with the information I did have.) On that morning I was alone in my hospital room and Nugget was sleeping in her bassinet. When the phone rang I thought it was my MIL cause it was her cell phone and X usually called on the house phone. He was drunk and I could tell right away because of his speech pattern. The first words out of his mouth were:
"I am so sorry, Nugget is the most beautiful girl in the world and she is lucky to have you as a mother. Please let her know that I had good in me... that I was a good person in a lot of ways. I don't want her to hate me."
I remember thinking about the good moments. Like the time we went to the sporting goods store looking for winter gear. We tried on ever hat in the store and laughed the whole time. It was such a small thing, but I remember how wonderful and fun it was. I remember him telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. I remember him telling me that I was the only girl he had ever truly loved, there were tears in his eyes.
Here he was saying goodbye. I honestly didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to say "See ya!" and part of me wanted to save him. I was silent. So he continued:
"I can't do this. I would be better for everyone if I was gone. I have hurt so many people and I can't imagine life without you...."
There was more but I can't remember beyond the above statement. I can only recall what I said and what I said was minimal. I could not bring myself to lie to him, make an attempt to comfort him, yet , I could not yell or scream at him. I simply said:
"You hurt me. What you did was awful and I would be lying if I said things wouldn't be easier without you in my life. I don't know what you want me to say... I would feel sad if you died... it would be another tragic thing I would have to explain to Nugget someday. I can't really offer you much comfort, I am sorry. I can barely handle what has already happened."
What if I hung up on him? What if I had screamed? What if I had told him I hoped he would die? What if I never even answered?
I will never know. I do know this though, I wish I had never answered. Looking back I should have just ignored the call. I was in the hospital recovering form childbirth. I should have been relaxing for the first time in months! I had already been through so much and I was exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. My phone should have been off or on silent, but no he ruined another day for me. Another day that should have been spent taking care of myself and my new baby, instead I was wasting energy and emotional on my X. I cried for an hour after the call.
I didn't deserve to feel like that, I have always deserved better than this. In time I have found better and I will continue to be better.