Monday, November 7, 2011


Desperation is a very passionate and fiery emotion. The passion within a desperate person can make this person think they are helplessly in love with a person, when in actuality it caused by hurt and fear.

Desperation is a confusing cocktail. It makes the rational lose their sense.

Desperation is an emotion/feeling I am well acquainted with. I was desperate with my X and few other boyfriends. It grows from insecurity and feeds off of doubt. When my X and I were together I knew he had been single for almost 10 years. I knew he had been a busy bachelor... dated a lot of women. So why did he make the commitment to be with me? This is where my desperation was born.

I felt special because I was the girl he had chosen out of so many, yet it also made me insecure. He could be with almost anyone. He has not been tied down... what if he gets bored being with one woman? I am sure my insecurity made me his ideal partner. If I ever questioned things about our relationship it was just me being insecure. I had issues, not him. When he would spend most of his spare time working with his girls lacrosse team, running extra clinics, helping girls at study tables, organizing charity events with them... I would get desperate. He was HELPING people, how could I be jealous? I wanted him with me all the time mostly because he was rarely with me.

When I would get up the nerve to ask him to spend more time with me, he would get angry. He would yell at me for being jealous of his team and the team events... I was being selfish. If I tried to talk to him about the fact that we were not being intimate very often (once a month) he would say it was hard to be sexually attracted to a women who was so insecure. Sometimes he was just tired from working so hard, why could I not understand that? How could I hurt him by bringing this stuff up? It was my fault.

He was so nice and caring towards me as long as I never brought this stuff up. My desperation made me think I was so deeply in love with him, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to lose someone who usually treated me so well. This man who told me every single day how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I was desperate to keep him and make him happy. Yet, every time he would be gone from my sight.... I wondered what he was doing. That is not healthy.

I was wrong. I did not deeply love this man, I was just desperate. I am not saying I never loved him cause I did. I was in love with him for sure, but in the end I could not tell the difference between my desperation and love. He played with my emotions and I went along for the ride. From where I stand now, I honestly think there is no such thing as a man/significant out there the you CAN'T live without. There are people who add to your life, spark your desire, support you, are loyal to you and are amazing team members. This is the kind of person you should allow yourself to fall in love with. Anyone less than this is not worth your time and you can be fine without the lesser people.

A year of therapy brought me to the point where I can recognize my true self worth. I am no longer desperate. I know I can take care of myself and my daughter. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, lost everything I thought he was and lost myself.. yet I survived.

I found myself and I lost the desperation. So that is my advice to all of the single women or those thinking they are trapped in a bad relationship. Find yourself. When you do the desperate feeling will disappear and you will see clearly and find a real love.

No comments: