Monday, October 31, 2011

A letter to Kim Kardasian,

Dear Kim and other women starting the divorce process,

I know I have not always spoken highly of you. I am willing to admit that I may have been mean at times, but in this moment I feel bad for you. Joking around with some of my friends about your short marriage and how we all saw this coming... well it kinda hit me that I was in your position too.

I have talked to many single moms and divorced women over the last year and there have been many similar stories. My marriage only last 7 months. It was short, even though the day I said "I do" I thought it was forever. Your head was filled with your happy future. So much so, that you could not see your troubled present. In my head I want to laugh at you, in my heart I feel your pain. This was the man you thought you were going to grow old with, have children with and grand kids. Take the time to grieve that loss before you move on to the next guy. It will make your next relationship stronger.

Here is my generic list of suggestions for all of the women who are starting the divorce process:

  • Get a good lawyer (I am sure you and your family have this covered)
  • Get a good therapist. Your family might be a great support, but a professional and neutral third party will really help you sort out your feelings.
  • Take time to be with yourself
  • Don't seek out your next relationship, let it come to you. I am not saying don't put yourself out there, I am saying don't force things.
  • Let yourself grieve. This is a loss, it is ok to be sad.
  • Make sure you do not get lost in your sadness.
  • Always move forward. One step at a time.
I wish you nothing but the best. Sometimes I may think you are full of shit, but I am sure you are making your ugly crying face right now (listen my crying face is awful too, no worries) and I can't in good faith take pleasure in your pain. So good luck Kim. Since I am pretty sure you read my blog, feel free to email me anytime with questions or for support. This goes for all my other readers too.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Placing blame

I have not shared this before, maybe alluded to it though... I really can't remember... My X an I had several conversations after the arrest. I was still trying to process "why?" and understand who I really married. During a few of these conversations he tried to explain "why" he did what he did. He even wrote it down in a letter, I remember my lawyer commenting on it in court, anyway here it is. Not word for word, but a general idea of "why" X did what he did:

In late November of 2009 I found out I was expecting. At several points during my pregnancy I was put on pelvic rest (light activity, no heavy lifting, no sex) because of bleeding and spotting. X said that this coupled with his dissatisfaction with work cause him to be depressed. He also claimed to be experiencing erectile dysfunction. None of this was ever shared with me though things did seem slightly off in some ways he was still taking good care of me when I needed him and we were pretty happy.

Apparently after the first episode of spotting (6wks into the pregnancy) he says that he came to the conclusion that this baby was going to die/be miscarried. Doesn't matter the doctor told us multiple times that this was normal and that all of my tests looked great and the baby was very healthy... Even when I was 32 weeks along he says he "just knew" that this child was not going to make it and that I may die giving birth. Because these thoughts consumed him he used porn to escape. He said that everything was legal for a while and his first underage material was downloaded on accident. He didn't mean to do it, but it was just so easy to find...

This man is a liar. He may have been worried about the pregnancy in the beginning, so was I, but by week 28 we were both fine. He felt her move all the time, talked about getting things ready, names and the future. Not to mention that anxiety is not an excuse to be a pedophile. Being depressed does make it ok for a person to spend multiple hours EVERY SINGLE DAY looking at underage girls and young children being violated. Trying to tell me that the reason you were/are sexually attracted to children was because you were worried for the well being of your own baby? ::Does not compute! Does not compute!:: Sorry buddy, you disgust me.

He said he saw how scared I was at first and that it triggered his fear. Throughout the whole letter he talks places the blame on me and my pregnancy. Saying he would have never gone down this path had my pregnancy been easier...

Let's remember that after being arrested it came out that he was dismissed from a previous teaching position under shady circumstances (he was asked to resign for undisclosed reasons) which I was told **MAY have had to do with an inappropriate relationship with a student. He later dated a girl who he coach in high school right after she graduated. This is confirmed by my BIL and SIL who went to an amusement park with them on a double date. On top of the 10 years worth of hard drives that were found to have images as well. Basically, this man has a proven pattern of behavior so don't you DARE try to blame your disgusting and deplorable behavior on me, my pregnancy or my child. ::insert expletive::

**The true reason was never revealed by the school and X refuses to say anything about it. When I asked him point blank he actually told me his lawyer told him not to disclose the reason to anyone.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Letter to Nugget: Men

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day." Noah "The Notebook" 

Dear Nugget,

We have already talked about boys and all of the rules for boys are also apply to men. There are some differences however that separate men from boys (even good boys). I will highlight some of these differences.

  • Men accept responsibility for their actions. They apologize for making mistakes and learn from them.
  • Men go out of their way to take care of their mate, children and other family members.
  • Men do cry, not all the time, but they are not afraid to shed a tear when the moment calls for it.
  • Men do have the ability to stay faithful. They may try to tell you they are not designed for it... what this means is they are not "designed" for you.
  • A man can balance work, family and fun.
  • Men do not play video games to the point that it interferes with their responsibilities. This also goes for any other leisure activity.
  • Men will change their child's diapers
  • A man will not put down your appearance
  • A man is gentle
  • Men like to be cuddled, they may not ask for it but they do, just not in public ;)
  • There is no man out there that is worth giving up your dream for. A good man will support your dreams and help you reach them.
  • A man is honest
  • A man is just a man, he is not a super hero.
  • Remember the true test of a man is how he can handle conflict, not how dazzles you in the beginning.
  • A man should try to dazzle you in the beginning ;) (Even if it is just sharing pizza under the stars.)
  • Romantic comedies are movies. Stop waiting for a man to save you, it is not their job...
  • ...but they should be supportive and never weigh you down either.
  • A man should always try, and you should always recognize his efforts.
  • A man should be your partner, your support, and your friend. He shouldn't be your everything. He actually prefers you to have other hobbies.
Just remember that real life is not like Twilight. After staring into each others eyes for a few days you get bored... Hold out for a man, a good man... as the good people at Loreal always say "Because I'm worth it!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Letter to Nugget: Boys

This is the one and only picture I will share of Nugget.
Dear Nugget,

Some will tell you that times have changed...well they have! I want to make sure you have access to some information that may help you in the future. Let's review the things about Boys... I will get to "MEN" later.

  • Boys only/mostly want one thing. (even the nice boys are at least thinking about it!)
  • Boys who are worth your time will not pressure you. He will respect your decision to wait.
  • 99% of the women/girls I know who lost their virginity under the age of 19... regret it and say they were not ready.
  • Boys should always act like a "gentleman". Do not let people lead you to believe that chivalry is dead, they have just lost faith and/or gotten lazy.
  • A gentleman does not kiss and tell. If a boy is spilling details about another girl, then he will share details about you and anything you do with him.
  • Anything you put in writing or record in pictures/video has the potential to be shared with people you would not want to see it. (love letters, texts, "sexy" photos, voice messages...)
  • Mistakes can happen, no relationship is perfect, but a boy should never BETRAY you or your trust on the big things. Lying and cheating should never be tolerated. YOU are too good to put up with that crap!
  • You can't make a boy fully and honestly commit to you by playing games.
  • If you are asked out by a boy and you want to decline, do it gently. It takes a lot of guts to ask a girl like you out, so be nice. Besides, down the road he may end up being one of the nice guys that is a late bloomer...
  • A boy should never come between you and your friends. Find a way to balance a boyfriend and your girl friends. A nice boy will encourage your friendships.
  • You are a smart girl, never dumb yourself down for a boy. If he is good guy he will actually like you less for doing this.
  • A nice boy will never try to control you.
  • The right boy will think you are beautiful in sweatpants, a hoodie, no make-up with your hairs in a ponytail. If you have to try too hard to impress him, then he doesn't appreciate you enough.
  • There is NEVER a time where it is OK for a boy to hit a girl. If this happens report it.
  • Nice boys respect you.
  • Nice boys respect their elders, including their parents and your parents.
  • And FYI, the golden rule applies to you through this whole list. Treat others the way you want to be treated. In other words, you may be beautiful, but if your personality is ugly you will never truly be happy.
There ARE nice boys out there. They do exist. DO NOT settle for anything less. I swear there are a lot of cute ones too! Please, be careful out there. Just because other girls may dress in tiny outfits, send risque pictures or are willing to engage in sexual activity in there teens (or God forbid before!) it does not mean that you have to. It may seem like they get a lot of attention, but they are selling themselves short. You are an amazing girl, knowing this, believing in this and respecting yourself will take you so far in life and will be everything you will ever need.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sorry I have been MIA this week.

I have been MIA this week because I have been busy getting my money back in line! I have applied for a couple jobs in the hopes of making more money. I have a couple interview set up for next week ::fingers crossed::

I got my first child support payment
I am catching up on bills
Making bigger payments on credit cards
Getting ready to take on my full mortgage payment (I have had some people living in the condo and shouldering a portion of the payment)

Things will still be pretty tight until the new year. My tax return should make it easier to get everything back on track and relieve my worries (even a low balled number). Money has been the number one stress in my life for a few months and finally getting some relief makes me feel so much better.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

When to tell... What to tell...

I have thought about this a lot, discussed it with my therapist and doctors, yet I am still not sure how to handle it.... When to tell my daughter what has happened and what to tell her? I want it to be age appropriate and honest. I want her to have enough info to protect herself, yet I do not want to weigh her down with too much.

My therapist said to wait until she asks about her father, or sometime before school starts. If he ever is awarded visitation then she has to know what is an inappropriate request/behavior.... not that he wouldn't be monitored, but you can never be too safe with this stuff. As she gets older I will take her with me to see someone that can help her sort out her feelings.

I know some things are certain:

  1. This is not a secret. Her father's face was all over the news. We live in a small town and my family has lived here since my Grandfather was in grade school... Though people have been supportive, they also know and whisper about "That poor girl", so if she doesn't hear it from me, she will hear it somewhere else.
  2. My ex-mother/father-in-law will not be happy with me. They think me telling her the truth is hateful. They will have to get over it. I have been told how important it is to disclose the info to her and not to sugar coat it for her own protection.
  3. I am terrified. I do not want my daughter to feel anything but proud of who she is. Just because her father is a sick man does not mean there is anything wrong with her. I don't want this information to make damage her in anyway... yet I know it will hurt to hear.
I know people who would want to hide these things, sweep it under the rug. It is unpleasant and disturbing... but it is the truth. I am not talking shit about a man because he hurt me, I am sharing the truth about a dangerous person because it will help protect my child.

Just to clarify again I will not be disclosing the horrific details to a young girl. I will work very closely with my therapist on what to say and how to say it. I am hoping this is years away. When she is in high school and closer to 18, I will leave it up to her if she wants to read his case file. I made myself read it while all of this was going on and it snapped me into reality. This information makes it all to obvious that this man is dangerous and will try to lie his way into her life and possibly her future children's life. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

November 8th

I was supposed to be divorced on October 6th... but It has been pushed back until November 8th. On that day I will show up at court with a witness, the court will ask my witness questions in regards to why we are not compatible, then I will have a divorce... finally!

I will be getting my first child support check this month as well. I can't tell you how much this is going to help me and Nugget. I will be able to get through the next few months with a little less stress.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My daughter said "Love you"

I love her more than anything. Hearing her say she loves me was amazing, even if she was just mimicking. She said it three times that day. :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Child support

My child has seen no financial support from her father since December 2010. He told me and the courts that paying child support was a punishment that he didn't deserve. He told me that I was punishing his parents and being selfish...

This is a man who is in prison for crimes against children. A man who tore my life apart, left me fighting for survival... emotional, financial and my baby's survival. I have been her sole provider. Those who are parents know how much it can cost to give a baby/toddler everything they need. So, how is it a punishment to ask a person to provide for the child they planned for? It is not. PERIOD. I am not asking him to pay for my day at the spa, it is child support. In the end child support is never a punishment.

In regards to punishing his parents... I just don't understand that part. They are under no obligation to pay his child support, though they have agreed to. They are grown adults who made the decision to contribute towards their granddaughters well being. That is not a punishment, it is a great thing to do. Though I was told that they are only paying to keep X from getting into more trouble down the line by having a lot of arrears... I hope that is not the case, but what can Ido?

Some people have asked me why I even asked for child support. How can I take money from this man? Why would I want him in her life? I will answer these questions now.

1) I asked for child support because it is money that my daughter deserves. It is HER money and me not asking for it could potentially harm her down the road. Even if we do not see a penny for years, someday that money could help my daughter.
2) I can take money from this man because he OWES me. Yes, he owes me and his daughter. Overnight I became solely financially responsible for myself and my daughter. A house payment, medical bills, utilities, daycare, food, clothing, car repairs, baby gear and everything else that had been paid by 2 salaries was now resting on my shoulders. He honestly owes us for everything he had made a commitment to pay before this whole thing happened.
3) For those who are not familiar with the system/courts and how everything works, Child Support and custody/visitation are done completely separately. Paying Child Support has no bearing on the decision of whether or not you get to see your child. If seeing you is not in the child's best interest then you do not get access to the child, no matter how much you pay. On the flip side, not paying child support does not mean you can't see your child. In this economy it makes sense. Trying to avoid visitation by not asking for child support would ultimately not be in a child's best interest.

Maybe someday when I am married to a wonderful man, X will be willing to sign over his rights and let my new husband adopt her. This is a dream of mine.