Friday, April 29, 2011

The Day that Changed Everything

It has come to my attention that while I have given out details here and there, I have never actually given my whole story. So I will do that now. Better late than never.

My X and I met on in April of 2008 and clicked immediately. We came from similar backgrounds and had a lot of common interests. He was a very dominate personality and I am laid back, he was a neat freak and I hate to clean… overall we just fit together. Everything was very easy for us relationship wise. He was very much a gentleman and very sweet. I fell hard and our relationship moved fast. We moved in together, got a dog, got engaged, got married and got pregnant. Very normal.

People always ask me if there were any signs. Nothing was a huge red flags, but of course looking back I can see why some things seemed weird to me. It was never anything so bad that it would make me think he was doing what he was doing. I knew he dated a 18 year old when he was 30. I knew he was a single guy for 10 years before we were together. I knew he was very dedicated to his coaching job (high school girls lacrosse). I knew he had a hot temper with other people and every once in a while, when we fought he would be fight dirty and say some truly mean and hurtful things. Honestly we fought so rarely it didn’t overly concern me.

On June 8th, 2010 my life changed forever. I started to get worried when I called X after work and he was not answering. I had talked to him at 11am and we talked about painting the nursery and preparing for our baby. Now I couldn’t even get him to answer a text. Maybe his phone died, it had happened before… I got home from work and the house was empty. I let the dog out and tried to relax myself by taking a bath. After 20 mins in the tub I got out and stared at my phone. I was really worried, almost in a panic. Where is my husband? He knows I am a worrier! What if I went into labor and couldn’t find him?! Was he in an accident? As I was sitting in my room, in my sweats, my hair wet…. There was a knock at the door. My heart dropped. Who could be knocking? Something has happened! I thought “Oh. My. God. He is dead.” WRONG!

I opened the door to a team of officers. The man in front identified himself as an officer and told me no one had been hurt, but my husband had been arrested. My first thought was he got into a fight, he had a hot temper and I could see this happening. Then the officer went on to say “You husband was arrested trying to meet up with a girl he believed to be 15 years old for sexual relations.” I went totally numb. He walked me out to the back patio so I could sit down. I couldn’t be in the house while they searched. They had a detective talk to me. I remember feeling bad for him. This poor man had to explain to a woman who was 8 months pregnant that her husband was a pedophile. He offered me water, food a blanket (I must have been shaking, I am as I write this), but I could barely connect with reality. I just sat there and answered his questions while rubbing my belly. I didn’t cry.

I was not allowed to call anyone until they finished going through the house. They had a van parked in my driveway that had software used to scan all of our hard drives. There were cop cars all over. In my little condo complex they seemed to take up the whole street. All of my neighbors were outside watching the spectacle. My tragedy was on display. I felt so embarrassed, in fact that was the first real feeling I had, embarrassment. All I could do was watch and wait. I could tell all of the officers felt horrible for me. I almost felt like they all wanted to give me a hug. I could see it in their eyes. FINALLY I was able to call my mother. I told her that X had been arrested and why. She got right in her car and ran to my side.

I packed a suitcase as my mother called my X’s parents and told them what happened. She was tough with them as they didn’t seem to believe her. We locked up the condo and went to my parents house. We made a plan to get my own bank account first thing in the morning and to have a locksmith come and change the locks on my condo. Since the condo was in my name only and purchased before our marriage this was totally within the law. My in-laws came over to ask that I allow my husband to stay at the condo since I was staying at my parents. I said no. They didn’t understand why I would not allow it. My mom and I explained that their son was now a sexual predator and would be known as one for the rest of his life. That he was carrying on online relationships with a couple women (of legal age) as well as this undercover officer he thought was 15. To add one more blow to my emotional state, he actually put an ad on craigslist looking for a girl to have an affair with. His parents thought this was all a mistake and a set up… I told them they would have to take him home with them. It would be better for him anyway to be 2.5 hours away from the city where he was arrested. I mean he would not exactly be popular after all of this.

There was no sleeping. I watched Nick-at-Night and cried. I sat with my mommy (yes I said mommy) and cried for hours. I could barely eat and my mom forced nutrition shakes down my throat, because after all I was pregnant and the baby needed me to eat something. I thought about how I was growing a daughter inside me. How disappointed she would be someday to find out who her father was and what he had done. The feeling of failure swept over me. I knew it was all his fault, but I felt like I set my little girl up for such a hard life.

I did not hear from my husband until the late afternoon the day after he was arrested. He cried and blubbered out an apology. He ask to see me and I agreed to a 5 min meeting before he went home with his parents. My dad stood behind me as I hugged my husband for the last time. My X cried and could barely speak. I was a statue. I could not believe that 48 hours ago I thought this man was the most wonderful person in the world. Someone who would never hurt me. He was always so strong and here he was sobbing on my shoulder. I wanted to comfort him and for everything to be a dream because I wanted him to hold me. How in the world after everything that had happened and everything I knew could there be any part of me that still loved him? Well, love does not go away overnight. I was smart enough to listen to my head instead of my heart, but my heart still wanted him… at least he person I thought he was.

Since the date of his arrest the police found images and video of underage girls on the computers they took from our home. X's case was moved to federal court and he was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. He is serving his time in a fcility 3 hours away from where I live and I have no intention of taking my daughter to see him, though is is fighting for visitation.

Had I not been pregnant, I believe I would have been committed. I say that in all honesty. Instead I looked inside myself for strength I never knew I had. I fought through the sleeplessness and forced myself to go forward for the sake of my daughter. Her presence in my life has reminded me that everything happens for a reason. When I hold her I know it was meant to be. This experience was horrible and caused more pain than any person should have to go through... but I would do it again for my daughter.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me during the last year. I feel like a new person and could not have gotten to this good place without all of your help.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Moving forward (quick divorce update included)

Bad news first:

I know that my X has been lying to his mother and she is eating up every single word! It is frustrating because I know she is a good person, she is just being taken for a ride by her manipulative son. In the end I think she will do whatever he asks of her, including paying for a lawyer and fighting for visitation.


I am moving this weekend! Nugget and I will be in our tiny apartment together :) She will be able to go anywhere (after I gate off the kitchen) and I will be able to get so much more done!

I am also getting 2 really great offers in regards to work. One is with a new hospital and one is at my current job. If I stay I get a promotion and pay increase. If I go I get a big raise and more oppertunity... it is a win win! I am awaiting the formal offers before making my decision.

My awesome sister-in-law and her husband are an amazing friends. She really understands where I am coming from in regards to my divorce and my feelings towards her brother. They both see his behavior as unnacceptable. It is really great to have a members of his family see what is going on and not be in denial.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Gloves are off...

X is now pulling a complete 180 from what he told me before.

He is going to TRY to fight me in court for prison visitation, the furniture and possibly get his parents to ask for visitation!

Here is why this is not only a "douche move" but it is dumb...

1) He has no money and his parents, who have already spent 15,000+ of their retirement money on his criminal lawyer, will have to take more money that they really can't spare at their age to pay for his lawyer. (douche)

2) He will most likely not get visits since Nugget does not know who he is.

3) His sisters are p!ssed that he is even thinking of doing this. He will lose any support he may have had from them.

4) Since I have never kept Nugget from his parents they will likely end up getting to see her LESS than they do now, should they sue for grandparent's rights. If they pay for his lawyer and follow his instructions they will not see her outside of a court order.

5) He is taking away more from his daughter. This above all hurts me and boils my blood.

I am upset, but I am trying not to get too bent out of shape. I know that I am a good person and have done the right things for my daughter. I am hopefull a judge will see that and keep this man out of my daughters life.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quick Divorce UPDATE!

I have a temporary orders hearing scheduled for May 6th... the day before my birthday! It is possible that we may be able to be done with everything that day, if they allow us to continue as an uncontested divorce by default!! If not it shouldn't take long anyway. I should be officially single in 2 months at the latest!!!

I am so ready to be done with it :)

20 pages of almost nothing

I received the letter from my X. The first ten pages were an attempt at an explanation and a plea for me not to choose divorce....

There are only so many I'm sorry's a person can hear from another. They become devoid of meaning when it seems that no/little responsibility is taken. Excuses should not go with apologies. I don't care the reasons behind you betraying me and hurting so many people, the fact is you seriously f*cked up. PERIOD. If you want to explain things fine, get it off your chest, but it should not come across as an excuse or justification. In this situation they don't exist.

His explanation for the child porn??: He said he was using legal porn as an escape and spent 2-3 hours a day downloading legal videos on legit porn sites.. (this is true they have the records) and when he ran out of money on his CC he moved to peer-shared files. He said that he would download a users entire library and go through an delete anything illegal... He didn't mean to have anything involving children downloaded... This is BS because his search history is in the records so I know he searched for certain illegal materials

No explanation was given for putting an ad on Craig’s list looking to hook up with someone or why he engaged in sexual conversations with a female he believed to be 15… No mention of being asked to resign from a school he once worked at b/c of inappropriate behavior (Of course I never knew about this! It happened way before we were together and of course it was never in any records because they just asked him to resign. My BIL told me after everything happened)

Here is a surprise... I was actually happy reading it... Why, you may ask? Well, because I felt nothing. I didn't cry, get stressed or get upset. I was over it! I know I still have a little ways to go till I am truly over it (if you ever really get over something like this) but it was a big step!

He did go over his day to day activities and it sounds like he is at summer camp! Playing ping pong, reading, cake at every meal... meanwhile I never have time to myself... yeah that part made me feel a little bitter...

Monday, April 4, 2011

A letter from Prison

I am expecting a letter. A letter that is 20 pages long and that is going to arrive in 3 separate envelopes. The letter is from my STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) and who knows what all is inside. I do know that I will read it or at least make the attempt to.

Why? Well, mostly because I am curious… also because I need to see if he says anything my lawyer needs to know. I will admit that the curiosity is a big motivator… I guess it is the longing to understand what signs I may have missed when we were together, or how he could think the way he did… I logically know I will never understand and reading this may be a waste of my time. It is very likely that it if full of “I’m sorry” and “I will always love you” which now I am numb to.

I think the hardest thing for people to understand is that he was normal in most every way. He was not creepy, or abusive. He was not gross or slimy… he was a normal man with a sick side. People don’t understand that the love doesn’t die instantly… I had to grieve the loss of the part of him that I loved. Taking him back NEVER crossed my mind, but that doesn’t mean losing the person I loved didn’t cause me pain. I have been working through it since day one. Therapy has helped and having a support system.

This letter will find me near the end of my grieving process. A place that is mostly numb to him and his pleas. Where I am happily raising my daughter on my own… with no need for him.