Angels

My life is filled with many angels. Some are here on earth supporting me and my daughter with every step we take. Others are looking down on us from heaven or wherever you may believe souls go after death. I know this… I know because too many things in my life have been timed a little too perfectly. Of course my life has been far from perfect, some might question how I could possibly think this when I have faced such hardship, well I believe it because I have seen those who have been through worse and not survived. There are people who may not have been directly lost by tragedy, but who fade away over time or lose all of their inner light. It is the most common outcome from those who have been shaken like I have.

When I was 17 I went to my high school gym for a free physical. In that noisy gym surrounded by my peers, a young medical student heard an extremely soft murmur. Up to that point in my life I had had a physical at least once a year (usually twice) and no doctor, young or old, had ever heard anything when listening to my heart. The next day I was being examined by a cardiologist and it was discovered that I had a hole in my atrium the size of a silver dollar. My heart was swollen three times the normal size. Had I gone to my soccer conditioning camp the next day in the summer heat… I could have collapse dead on the field. I was instead saved by an angel and against all odds I was able to recover from open heart surgery in only 3 weeks. I was cleared to resume all of my normal activities, stronger than ever.

When my X was arrested I was 8 months pregnant with a daughter. A daughter that would have been trusted to him had I remained in the dark to his secret life. A daughter that may have been abused and violated at worst or shamed and humiliated at best. He may have been able to establish a relationship with her that the courts would have felt compelled to continue. His arrest made sure that she was protected. Any meeting she ever had with this man was closely monitored and eventually cut off all together. She was/is protected. I found the strength to leave even though I was lost for a while. I was able to fix what had been broken. My strength is not just my own, it is that of my family and friends watching over me.

This past weekend my family went to a cemetery near town to find the grave of my great-great-grandmother. In a cemetery about 1 square mile in size, filled with two hundred years of souls we were having a lot of trouble finding the final resting place of our family members. We did not have a map we were winging it. My dad drove around for almost 30 minutes at a crawl looking and looking. When Nugget started to throw a tantrum. She wanted to go outside and run. He stopped the car and we set Caroline free to run for a few minutes while we sat under a tree….

“Look Pop Pop! Looky! I jump, jump, jump!”

Nugget was jumping off of a small tombstone that was flat on top. There were 10 other similar headstones surrounding it including 3-4 that were closer to our bench, but she chose that one. Out of respect my father got up to make her stop jumping on the grave… when he got to her Nugget was now sitting on the stone… the stone of my great-great-grandmother. She had found it. She had told us to stop the car and ran right to the spot we had been looking for.

It is stories like these and others that remind me that there are people looking out for us.

The Day that Changed Everything

It has come to my attention that while I have given out details here and there, I have never actually given my whole story. So I will do that now. Better late than never.

My X and I met on Match.com in April of 2008 and clicked immediately. We came from similar backgrounds and had a lot of common interests. He was a very dominate personality and I am laid back, he was a neat freak and I hate to clean… overall we just fit together. Everything was very easy for us relationship wise. He was very much a gentleman and very sweet. I fell hard and our relationship moved fast. We moved in together, got a dog, got engaged, got married and got pregnant. Very normal.

People always ask me if there were any signs. Nothing was a huge red flags, but of course looking back I can see why some things seemed weird to me. It was never anything so bad that it would make me think he was doing what he was doing. I knew he dated a 18 year old when he was 30. I knew he was a single guy for 10 years before we were together. I knew he was very dedicated to his coaching job (high school girls lacrosse). I knew he had a hot temper with other people and every once in a while, when we fought he would be fight dirty and say some truly mean and hurtful things. Honestly we fought so rarely it didn’t overly concern me.

On June 8th, 2010 my life changed forever. I started to get worried when I called X after work and he was not answering. I had talked to him at 11am and we talked about painting the nursery and preparing for our baby. Now I couldn’t even get him to answer a text. Maybe his phone died, it had happened before… I got home from work and the house was empty. I let the dog out and tried to relax myself by taking a bath. After 20 mins in the tub I got out and stared at my phone. I was really worried, almost in a panic. Where is my husband? He knows I am a worrier! What if I went into labor and couldn’t find him?! Was he in an accident? As I was sitting in my room, in my sweats, my hair wet…. There was a knock at the door. My heart dropped. Who could be knocking? Something has happened! I thought “Oh. My. God. He is dead.” WRONG!

I opened the door to a team of officers. The man in front identified himself as an officer and told me no one had been hurt, but my husband had been arrested. My first thought was he got into a fight, he had a hot temper and I could see this happening. Then the officer went on to say “You husband was arrested trying to meet up with a girl he believed to be 15 years old for sexual relations.” I went totally numb. He walked me out to the back patio so I could sit down. I couldn’t be in the house while they searched. They had a detective talk to me. I remember feeling bad for him. This poor man had to explain to a woman who was 8 months pregnant that her husband was a pedophile. He offered me water, food a blanket (I must have been shaking, I am as I write this), but I could barely connect with reality. I just sat there and answered his questions while rubbing my belly. I didn’t cry.

I was not allowed to call anyone until they finished going through the house. They had a van parked in my driveway that had software used to scan all of our hard drives. There were cop cars all over. In my little condo complex they seemed to take up the whole street. All of my neighbors were outside watching the spectacle. My tragedy was on display. I felt so embarrassed, in fact that was the first real feeling I had, embarrassment. All I could do was watch and wait. I could tell all of the officers felt horrible for me. I almost felt like they all wanted to give me a hug. I could see it in their eyes. FINALLY I was able to call my mother. I told her that X had been arrested and why. She got right in her car and ran to my side.

I packed a suitcase as my mother called my X’s parents and told them what happened. She was tough with them as they didn’t seem to believe her. We locked up the condo and went to my parents house. We made a plan to get my own bank account first thing in the morning and to have a locksmith come and change the locks on my condo. Since the condo was in my name only and purchased before our marriage this was totally within the law. My in-laws came over to ask that I allow my husband to stay at the condo since I was staying at my parents. I said no. They didn’t understand why I would not allow it. My mom and I explained that their son was now a sexual predator and would be known as one for the rest of his life. That he was carrying on online relationships with a couple women (of legal age) as well as this undercover officer he thought was 15. To add one more blow to my emotional state, he actually put an ad on craigslist looking for a girl to have an affair with. His parents thought this was all a mistake and a set up… I told them they would have to take him home with them. It would be better for him anyway to be 2.5 hours away from the city where he was arrested. I mean he would not exactly be popular after all of this.

There was no sleeping. I watched Nick-at-Night and cried. I sat with my mommy (yes I said mommy) and cried for hours. I could barely eat and my mom forced nutrition shakes down my throat, because after all I was pregnant and the baby needed me to eat something. I thought about how I was growing a daughter inside me. How disappointed she would be someday to find out who her father was and what he had done. The feeling of failure swept over me. I knew it was all his fault, but I felt like I set my little girl up for such a hard life.

I did not hear from my husband until the late afternoon the day after he was arrested. He cried and blubbered out an apology. He ask to see me and I agreed to a 5 min meeting before he went home with his parents. My dad stood behind me as I hugged my husband for the last time. My X cried and could barely speak. I was a statue. I could not believe that 48 hours ago I thought this man was the most wonderful person in the world. Someone who would never hurt me. He was always so strong and here he was sobbing on my shoulder. I wanted to comfort him and for everything to be a dream because I wanted him to hold me. How in the world after everything that had happened and everything I knew could there be any part of me that still loved him? Well, love does not go away overnight. I was smart enough to listen to my head instead of my heart, but my heart still wanted him… at least he person I thought he was.

Since the date of his arrest the police found images and video of underage girls on the computers they took from our home. X's case was moved to federal court and he was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. He is serving his time in a fcility 3 hours away from where I live and I have no intention of taking my daughter to see him, though is is fighting for visitation.

Had I not been pregnant, I believe I would have been committed. I say that in all honesty. Instead I looked inside myself for strength I never knew I had. I fought through the sleeplessness and forced myself to go forward for the sake of my daughter. Her presence in my life has reminded me that everything happens for a reason. When I hold her I know it was meant to be. This experience was horrible and caused more pain than any person should have to go through... but I would do it again for my daughter.


Thank you to everyone who has supported me during the last year. I feel like a new person and could not have gotten to this good place without all of your help.