Wednesday, August 31, 2011

She works hard for the money!

Donna Summer would be proud! I applied for a part time job yesterday to add to my already crazy schedule. I will be working two evenings a week and Saturdays. My mom and dad will be watching Nugget and my friend is my back up.

By putting in a little extra time I will be making an additional $400 (or close to it) a month. This will take me from "poor single mom" to "getting by but exhausted, single mom". In about a year I will be able to sell my condo and from the moment I sell the place I will go from "getting by" to "more than comfortable"!!

Also, if my X-MIL pays a portion of X's child support (like she said she would in court) then I will also be able to pay down the debt I have accumulated over the last year as a single mother with no child support. I will however not be counting on this money because ultimately it is not X-MIL's responsibility.

So, here I am filling a single mom stereo type. Working two jobs to get by and provide a better life for my baby. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I can see the day when there will be no stress over money and lets face it, 2 years of struggling is nothing compared to some people. I am thankful that I have found a way to make everything work!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Not Divorced Yet

Court today was at 10am, though it was delayed. Turns out my X thinks we need more time to work out an agreement. Since he is in prison he only gets 15 mins on the phone with his lawyer at a time. I know for a fact that prisoners can call more than once in a day though! All X needs to say is "I agree to the generous offer my soon-to-be-ex wife has suggested." That takes like 3 seconds?

Anyway... I had a feeling this would happen today, so I was sorta prepared. I get REALLY nervous on court days. I can't concentrate and it is hard for me to get things done at work. So even though I only had to be there for a couple hours I basically got nothing done today. I blame X for this too.

Sorry this post does not flow very well, but like I said I can barely focus. I just want to be divorced! UGH!!

That is all for now!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Bad dreams

3 nights this week I have had nightmares about my X showing up at different places within my everyday life. Each time he screams at me and even pushes me. I freak out and scream back, try to dial 911 and I can't hit the numbers correctly.

I hate this. He is in prison and should not be able to make me feel so threatened! Deep down I am terrified for the day he gets out of prison. He said to me a couple times that he intends to be a part of Nugget's life EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is in denial, but his denial scares me. When I reminded him that it is against the law for him to be in any area that children frequent including parks, schools, malls or pretty much anywhere he told me that he could be there.... I know it is 7 years away and this may all sink in before then, but he is a stubborn man. His temper has always scared me. It was hardly ever directed at me so I never thought it would be a problem. Now I think about him actually trying to get in my face or take my child because he feels he has the right.

The fact that I am so afraid of him makes me sad. I do not want to live in fear of a day where he may snap. I hope these fears are unfounded. The truth is I hope his family and personal history of high cholestorol and heart disease catches up to him. Maybe one of the moles I tried to tell him to get removed a million times while we were married will ironically become cancerous. Dying at a young age of natural causes would be great example of Karma... plus Nugget could benefit from his social security... and never having to know him... and we could all sleep a bit easier.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dating as a single mom

There are some things about dating as a single mother that can be nerve wracking. You now have a scale that you use to measure... as a single non-mom the question are:
Is this person good enough for me?
What makes him good enough for me?
How can he improve/add to my life?
Do our values match up?
How does he make me feel?
Does he make me laugh/smile?

With a child there are no questions only requirements:
He must understand that my child comes first.
He must be ready to step into the role of parent. (He may not step into the role immediately, but the readiness is key)
He must be patient with my child.
He must be a good role model.
He must learn to change a diaper.
He must be able to (eventually) love my child as his own.
He must make my child happy.
He must follow MY parenting rules until they become OUR parenting rules.
He must respect my boundaries until I make the decision to expand them.
He must be ok with scheduling our time around my child's schedule.
He must treat me and my daughter with respect.

My BF (Bill) meets all of these requirements. I feel lucky, but I also feel proud of myself. In the end it isn't really about luck. Our meeting might have involved some chance, but in the end I make the decision about who is in our lives. It is ok to be picky. You have control over who you chose to be in a relationship with. If you don't settle then you will find a man that not only meets your expectations, but goes above and beyond.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Oh... There you are...

I wondered where it was hiding. The panic, insecurity, fear and irrational feelings.

Yesterday I felt "the panic"... My own version of a Vietnam flashback. I have been with someone for a few months now and things have been truly wonderful. I went in as I stated before with my eyes wide open and being completely secure and rational. Well, yesterday a small 2 hour period turned me into a mess of a woman having a slight panic attack.

I called my boyfriend (I will call him Bill) around 2:00pm to find out if he was going to come over that night for dinner. His grandma was in town and I didn't know if we were all going to meet up again since we had dinner the night before. He didn't answer his phone. Fine, no big deal! I texted him my question and went on with the day. When I checked my phone and hour later he had not answered. Even if he was with his grandma he would answer a text... he always answers by now...


"Why has he not answered? It takes 2 second to answer a text! OK, maybe his phone is on silent and he hasn't checked it. He is out with his Grandma... Becca, chill out."

So I took a deep breath and finished the work day. 4pm and still no word from BF. MORE PANIC

"WTF!? Dinner starts in a little over n hour... It has been 2 hours since I called/texted... OMG he is ignoring me! What could he be doing? He is annoyed with me... His grandma hates me... he is rethinking things... what did I do wrong???"

This was completely irrational. I knew and told myself that I was being crazy. What was happening to me?

Twenty four hours removed from the situation I can tell you all EXACTLY what happened. I had a flashback. A flask back to The Day That Changed Everything. Calling and texting for hours with no response only to find out later that something horrible had happened. I hadn't felt that way in so long and it hit me like a brick to the chest. I felt so helpless and out of control, yet the whole time I was sitting and to everyone else I seemed pretty much normal, calm. Inside I was freaking out. I wanted to cry.

My phone rang at 4:25, it was Bill. He had taken his grandmother to the Zoo and they were both tired at the end of the day and took a nap. He put his phone on vibrate so he could sleep. It was so simple and it was true. I said hello to his grandma in the background and discussed dinner before saying goodbye. After hanging up the phone I cried. The release was needed desperately. Bill never knew that I had a freak out cause I didn't tell him.

Just goes to show you that no matter how great you are feeling, how confident and secure... there can always be a moment where you lose yourself. I am glad it didn't turn into a full blown panic attack or freak out. I am proud of myself in a way for getting through it. I will however be calling my counselor for a quick chat. This is something that needs to be nipped in the bud!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A memory.

Nugget has been pretty clingy and weepy due to teething and I have found myself having flashbacks to her as an infant. One year ago we were battling colic together. Long hours of crying and stress.

We were both at the ends of our ropes. She was in pain or uncomfortable, all she could do was cry. My heart was broken, yet full at the same time and like my beautiful baby I could not communicate exactly what was hurting me so much. A sorry sight... I wish I had more in me at that time. I was stretched to my emotional limits in so many ways. I wish I could have had more strength, been a more calming presence for her.

Our evenings were often spent laying in my bed, her on my chest. Nug would alternate between whimpering and crying and I would join in her tears as I sang to her. As long as she was on my chest and I was singing she would not scream, cry yes, but not scream. The two of us in a day bed crying together. Her pain was physical and mine was emotional, but when we were together it was somehow a little easier to cope with both.

I still sing her the same lullaby almost every night. It is from dumbo and is called "Baby Mine". Only now I can sing it with a soft smile on my face. It is not broken up by sobs and sniffles. I can be the calming, loving presence I wanted to be one year ago... She usually stops crying and looks up into my eyes... I am so proud of us and how far we have come. Ironically it brings tears to my eyes, but these tears are much sweeter.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

August 30th, will I be divorced?

My court date is August 30th @ 10 am. I am hoping to walk away a single (truly single) woman. I have felt detached from my X for a long time now. It was not instantaneous, though I knew our relationship was over the moment I heard the news. Letting go of a long term relationship is a process. No matter how awful a person's actions there is a part of you that was in love with that person. I know the person I was in love with was a front, a persona, his attempt to be normal... Once I called him out for being fake and let him know I knew he was trying to manipulate me, well then his true colors came out.

When I was pregnant and before he always was protective of me. He took care of me when I was sick and we spent all of our time together. He had no real friends, just acquaintances. Nobody close enough to know about his secret life, but he was chummy enough to not be seen as a loner or scary. I was the woman he wanted to want to be with. He may have loved me, but I was also a part of his persona. He now had a wife, a home and a baby on the way... He seemed so normal... just the way he wanted.

After he was caught he lost most of his control over me. I admit the shock of it all had me in a place where I felt the need to communicate with him. I wanted to know why. I needed to let him know how I felt. I also missed the man I thought he was. I was however strong enough to tell him I was not going to take him back, He was not allowed near our home, he could not be at the birth of our daughter, and I sent all of his stuff home with his parents. As I came out of my fog/shock I pushed him further and further away. I really cut him off totally when he went back on his word for the umpteenth time on our divorce. He tried to blame my mom and sister for his prison sentence (they did manage to get it extended by speaking in court, but he was in court because of his disgusting crimes. It was his fault of course), blamed me for hurting his parents because I was asking for child support (he had convinced them to pay anything he owes) and telling me I was hurting my daughter by not taking her to visit him in prison.

We had agreed that she should not be taken to the prison, we had agreed that I would keep all the furniture to make a good home for Nugget and we agreed to avoid court and just sign the papers. When he started changing his mind and trying to say I was the liar... well I lost my shit! I screamed at him like I never had, no tears like in previous conversations, I was pissed. In no uncertain terms I told him that he had nobody, but himself to blame for his life being in the shitter. I had always stayed true to my word even after being lied to for YEARS! "Don't bother calling again I will never pick up the phone." These are the last words I spoke to my X. This was in March and the only reason I had ever accepted a call from him is because I thought we were going to settle our divorce civilly, because as he had said, he owed me that much.

I am ready to be divorced. I am ready to shed his name from my moniker. I am ready to break free from all of it. He may never go away completely, but I am ready for a true break.

Monday, August 15, 2011

To my darling child...

I apologize to you for a couple things...

I am sorry you have my face. Not because it is unattractive, of course we are beautiful, but because in the future you will not be able to deny that I am indeed your mother. As I make cheesy jokes, do crazy impressions and play adult league soccer. you will be somewhere in the background mumbling about how embarrassing I am.

I am sorry for being paranoid, but for obvious reasons I will be closely monitoring your Internet, your phone and your camera. You will have to come to terms with this and realize it comes from a loving place. I do trust you, but I do not trust others or teenage hormones.

I am sorry that I get cranky. I fear the day when our cycles sync... I also fear for my future husband and your future dad... maybe this apology should really go to him!

I am also sorry for our rough start. It was not our fault, but I want you to know that I wish I could have given you so much more. I promise I will try to make things better every single day... so far, so good.

I love you and I am sorry... now get over it!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


My child has slowly de-evolved into a baby chimp. She now feels the need to cling to me as much as possible. I must be by her side to "talk" with her, watch her do things and cuddle her whenever she so desires.

I blame molars. Teething of course is the process in which your child goes from being a happy, sleeping through the night, independent young semi-angel to a clingy, whining, weepy, wakes-3 time-a-night, little hellion! Only this round of teething comes with more mobility and verbal skills. Meaning she can climb into my lap, run in between my legs, kick, scream and open dresser drawers in order to throw things around.

Personal space no longer exists. People she sees and usually loves to hang out with are now not good enough. My BFF/daycare provider now has to deal with a meltdown every morning and my parents can't keep her distracted long enough for me to pee in privacy!

Being an only parent means I am dealing with this mostly on my own, which only feeds the little clinger monkey's desire to crawl back into my belly! My house is in dire straights. I NEED to get laundry, dishes and shopping done!

Nugget, You are mommy's most favoritest person in the whole world!! I promise! This will not change in the moments I am no longer within your eyesight. I will always return to give you hugs and kisses and cuddle your little, precious, baby self. Sweetie, mommy needs a little space. You are invading her bubble a little too much. Lets love each other from across the room for 15 mins while I pick up your toys or vacuum.

Molars, I am not a fan. Your ability to help chew food down to a non-chokeable size is pretty helpful, but must you take so long to arrive? Let's get this show on the road!!!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Feeding the maddness!

I like to think of myself as a happy/fun crazy person. It is abundantly clear that my life is not normal and rather than go certifiably insane I choose a delightfully crazy alternative. I sometimes laugh when it is not appropriate and brush things off that others would freak out about... and sometimes I freak out about little things, but do it with a smile. What else can you do? There are things that we can't change so why not just laugh it up.

Here are somethings laugh at that might make others shoot me a side eye. **These are all taken from real situations, so yes I may mention something that happened to you... just know I still love you even if I laugh at you** :

1) You spend a whole day complaining about the horrible things your husband said to you, then the next day talk about something nice you want to do for him because "he deserves it"

2) A hospital calls me about a bill I owe money on and says I could just use a credit card to pay the full remaining balance and then they will give me a $100 discount! Oh yay! If only I hadn't maxed out my emergency CC paying to fix my car and paying to keep the lights on...

3) My X-MIL writes to me about paying some of X's child support and thanks me for lowering the amount to he owes to $200 a month... (Per the judges request I am negotiating CS but not down to $200 a month!) LOL I appreciate you paying what you can to support you granddaughter... oh wait you will only pay if I lower it? Does that mean you are paying to keep X out of trouble or to help you granddaughter? I am confused... Oh well I will just laugh

4) "My husband is out of town for 4 days! Looks like I am a single mom for a while!" I will always laugh at this and possibly freak a little (privately). Seriously, you have no idea what it is like to live this life. Your husband will be home in less than a week and his child support money is guaranteed every single month. (this is strictly referring to the situation above, not those who are military wives or other tough circumstances, so don't comment about how I am mean.)

5) "I am so poor. I feel so bad for my child... we can't afford a big birthday party! Only 50 people will be there and we could only get her one gift." (a $300 gift). Honestly, love your child and make the day special. It doesn't take money and gifts to do that and complaining to me about this will only make me laugh in your face in a insanely creepy way. I may also invite myself to get a free meal...

6)I have all the respect in the world for Single parents (obviously) BUT, there are even certain SPs that annoy me from time to time. Like a friend of mine from work, who I actually love to death.. but our SP status is completely different and we can relate on very few things.

She comes form a wealthy family. Her child's father pays support and makes an effort to see the child every other weekend and on Holidays. Her house was purchased for her by her parents. Her income is supplemented by her family and she already makes a lot more money than I do... So in other words, I am jealous! Any complaints about money from her will be met with a chuckle and a dirty look. She knows this.

7) My birth control (which after this month will not be a problem anymore cause I switched it!) is making me into a fat teenager. Meaning I am moody, pimply and tired. Like I need to be a fat, zit covered bitch on top of everything else! lol

Anyway that is a short list of some things that add to the insanity that is my life! Yes, I find most of it funny! I have dealt with worse.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Mommy School

If being a mommy was given titles like classes at school the following would be my class schedule.

Home economics: Where I run around trying to clean, cook breakfast, keep my child entertained and get ready for work all at the same time.

Business: 8 hours of work. Meetings, email, phone calls and memos.

Driver's Ed: Navigating my 60 minute commute to DC and home through rush hour traffic.

Algebra: Solve 1t + 1b = 5 million (AKA 1 tube of puffs + 1 baby = 5 million half shrunken snack food pieces stuck to various objects all over my home)

What in the world did you eat that when mixed with stomach acid creates feces of that color, texture and odor!?

Physical Education: Running around the apartment after my 1 year old and getting through bath time.

Music: Blasting Britney Spears and watching Nugget dance with her baby tambourine.

Philosophy: Reading Dr. Suess and contemplating "Green Eggs and Ham"

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bills, Bills, Bills

I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with all of my bills. The thing that really bothers me about this is I have a great job, I make good money... yet I am still behind! I have almost maxed out my emergency credit card and I feel a little nervous about that.

Over the past year I have had medical bills, legal fees, mortgage payments, a new set of brakes, new bearings in my car, new hubs... damn car and all of the baby expenses. That stuff eats up cash like crazy! It is truly frustrating.

Another thing that tugs at me is that fact that my mortgage is killing me financially. The house is only in my name and if I was single with no child I would be ok... or if I was married with another income and a child I would be ok... but I am single with a child and I can't sell my condo for another year (due to the first time home buyer's credit). If I was renting a 2 bedroom apt or own a smaller home I would have NOTHING to worry about, at least money wise.

Of course I am not receiving child support (yet). In fact I have spent almost $1000 dollars just arguing over me need for child support while my X feels paying would be a punishment. The silver lining here is his parents want to keep him out of trouble so they will be paying a portion of the child support. If they stay true to their word I will be get $200 a month form them. The child support amount set by the court is more than this and the rest will build up arrears over the next 7 years.

Even without the child support my situation is only temporary. I will have the medical bills and legal fees paid off in the next year and that will help. I am also working towards a certification that will come with a raise. After all of this I should be back on track.