My court date is August 30th @ 10 am. I am hoping to walk away a single (truly single) woman. I have felt detached from my X for a long time now. It was not instantaneous, though I knew our relationship was over the moment I heard the news. Letting go of a long term relationship is a process. No matter how awful a person's actions there is a part of you that was in love with that person. I know the person I was in love with was a front, a persona, his attempt to be normal... Once I called him out for being fake and let him know I knew he was trying to manipulate me, well then his true colors came out.
When I was pregnant and before he always was protective of me. He took care of me when I was sick and we spent all of our time together. He had no real friends, just acquaintances. Nobody close enough to know about his secret life, but he was chummy enough to not be seen as a loner or scary. I was the woman he wanted to want to be with. He may have loved me, but I was also a part of his persona. He now had a wife, a home and a baby on the way... He seemed so normal... just the way he wanted.
After he was caught he lost most of his control over me. I admit the shock of it all had me in a place where I felt the need to communicate with him. I wanted to know why. I needed to let him know how I felt. I also missed the man I thought he was. I was however strong enough to tell him I was not going to take him back, He was not allowed near our home, he could not be at the birth of our daughter, and I sent all of his stuff home with his parents. As I came out of my fog/shock I pushed him further and further away. I really cut him off totally when he went back on his word for the umpteenth time on our divorce. He tried to blame my mom and sister for his prison sentence (they did manage to get it extended by speaking in court, but he was in court because of his disgusting crimes. It was his fault of course), blamed me for hurting his parents because I was asking for child support (he had convinced them to pay anything he owes) and telling me I was hurting my daughter by not taking her to visit him in prison.
We had agreed that she should not be taken to the prison, we had agreed that I would keep all the furniture to make a good home for Nugget and we agreed to avoid court and just sign the papers. When he started changing his mind and trying to say I was the liar... well I lost my shit! I screamed at him like I never had, no tears like in previous conversations, I was pissed. In no uncertain terms I told him that he had nobody, but himself to blame for his life being in the shitter. I had always stayed true to my word even after being lied to for YEARS! "Don't bother calling again I will never pick up the phone." These are the last words I spoke to my X. This was in March and the only reason I had ever accepted a call from him is because I thought we were going to settle our divorce civilly, because as he had said, he owed me that much.
I am ready to be divorced. I am ready to shed his name from my moniker. I am ready to break free from all of it. He may never go away completely, but I am ready for a true break.