Friday, August 19, 2011

Oh... There you are...

I wondered where it was hiding. The panic, insecurity, fear and irrational feelings.

Yesterday I felt "the panic"... My own version of a Vietnam flashback. I have been with someone for a few months now and things have been truly wonderful. I went in as I stated before with my eyes wide open and being completely secure and rational. Well, yesterday a small 2 hour period turned me into a mess of a woman having a slight panic attack.

I called my boyfriend (I will call him Bill) around 2:00pm to find out if he was going to come over that night for dinner. His grandma was in town and I didn't know if we were all going to meet up again since we had dinner the night before. He didn't answer his phone. Fine, no big deal! I texted him my question and went on with the day. When I checked my phone and hour later he had not answered. Even if he was with his grandma he would answer a text... he always answers by now...


"Why has he not answered? It takes 2 second to answer a text! OK, maybe his phone is on silent and he hasn't checked it. He is out with his Grandma... Becca, chill out."

So I took a deep breath and finished the work day. 4pm and still no word from BF. MORE PANIC

"WTF!? Dinner starts in a little over n hour... It has been 2 hours since I called/texted... OMG he is ignoring me! What could he be doing? He is annoyed with me... His grandma hates me... he is rethinking things... what did I do wrong???"

This was completely irrational. I knew and told myself that I was being crazy. What was happening to me?

Twenty four hours removed from the situation I can tell you all EXACTLY what happened. I had a flashback. A flask back to The Day That Changed Everything. Calling and texting for hours with no response only to find out later that something horrible had happened. I hadn't felt that way in so long and it hit me like a brick to the chest. I felt so helpless and out of control, yet the whole time I was sitting and to everyone else I seemed pretty much normal, calm. Inside I was freaking out. I wanted to cry.

My phone rang at 4:25, it was Bill. He had taken his grandmother to the Zoo and they were both tired at the end of the day and took a nap. He put his phone on vibrate so he could sleep. It was so simple and it was true. I said hello to his grandma in the background and discussed dinner before saying goodbye. After hanging up the phone I cried. The release was needed desperately. Bill never knew that I had a freak out cause I didn't tell him.

Just goes to show you that no matter how great you are feeling, how confident and secure... there can always be a moment where you lose yourself. I am glad it didn't turn into a full blown panic attack or freak out. I am proud of myself in a way for getting through it. I will however be calling my counselor for a quick chat. This is something that needs to be nipped in the bud!

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