Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Step 3: Anger

The anger I felt towards my X came in waves. It hit hard and sometimes came out of nowhere.

The first wave of anger came when I thought about my daughter. My innocent, unborn baby girl. A child that was planned by two people. The nursery was painted, the furniture purchased and the baby shower was only 2 days before the arrest. When I packed up things to go home with my mother I stood in the nursery for a long time, starring at the walls that now bore the color we had chosen together only a week before. I became livid.

How could he do this to her? She did not ask to be his daughter and now she is forced to face the truth about her father someday. I will not throw the details in her face, but I will not lie to her. It is important for her to know what her father is, for her own protection. I have promised myself I will not make this conversation harder or more dramatic than it has to be... but the fact that I have to prepare for this ANGERS me.

The next wave of anger came for the children my X violated. How could anyone who was having a daughter do the things he had done? Those children were peoples baby girls. The children in the pictures and videos were innocent and defenseless. Every single time he downloaded something he encouraged other adults to hurt children. It is disgusting. I read the transcripts of what was found on our computer. I got physically ill just seeing the summary... I can't believe I let him touch me... which leads em to my last wave of anger.

Last, but not least, I felt anger towards him as his wife. He cheated on me, he took out an add on craigslist looking for an affair, he video taped and sexual encounter he had while we were together, he told other women they were beautiful... It devastated me in a way completely separate from the pedophile aspect of what he had done. He exposed me to diseases and honestly put mine and my child's life on the line for a cheap, sexual thrill. What an asshole! At one point I just lost it on him. He had to know how I felt... so I called him and unloaded all of this over the phone. I felt so much better when I hung up the phone. I was glad that I made him cry, sob even. He deserved to feel like shit.

My last wave of anger came when after filing for divorce. We had actually had phone conversations about coming to an agreement on who gets what. Basically he agreed to ask that Nugget be brought to prison for visits, that I will get all of the property (furniture etc) and I would have full physical and legal custody (duh). Then all of a sudden after being in prison for a full 3 weeks he changes his mind!! "The visiting rooms are really nice.", "I plan on being in her life when I get out so she should get to know me."... Oh, no! No! No! Why did I think he would follow through with his word?! Why did I think this would be easy?!

My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law took her son's side and hired him a lawyer... but not before they offered me a bribe! They offered to give me the $1500 dollars they were putting towards a lawyer if I agreed to some kind of visitation! More anger bubbled up. My anger went towards his mother for defending a pedophile and trying to get my daughter to build a relationship with him. My anger flowed towards this man that was once the love of my life, but now could not stop trying to tear my life apart. He knew I would have to pay a lawyer to fight this.... he knew that I needed money in general since I don't get child support... again I state that he is an asshole.

During my periods of anger I would get so worked up that I could not sleep. I spent hours stewing over this man and his actions. The thought of him, or even his mother would set me off. I am pretty sure my blood pressure was a lot higher during these times. Over all I felt like awful when I was angry, I hate being angry. I do have to say though anger is much better than the next stage...

Friday, May 27, 2011

A seven step program...Step 1 & 2: Shock & Denial

Grief has seen stages. You can get through them quickly or slowly. You can get stuck in one and skip another. You can repeat all of them. It is very individual to a person and their situation. For me it took almost a year to reach the end and I believe this would not have happened without the help of my therapist and my will to move forward.

SHOCK: I think this speaks for itself. I spent the first few days in shock. I almost couldn't function. Barely eating and sleeping. Shock came instantly and left almost as quickly...

DENIAL: I was in denial for a bit, but never about what he did. It was always clear that he had tried to meet up with the undercover officer and it was always clear that they found underage images and videos on our computer. In that there was no denial.

My denial came with his character. I knew he was sick. I knew only a sick sick person could do what he did.... but was there anything in there worth saving. Was every kiss a lie? Was every I love you empty? Did he feel shame for what he had done? Was it just one demon he could not overcome? I thought there was no way that I could have been in love with someone who was evil to the core. He had a devil and an angel on his shoulders and he listened to the devil in regards to his crimes. I thought he would realize how wrong he had been and let me go easily. That inside he knew the best thing to do would be to give me and my daughter freedom from him. I thought he would listen to the angel on his shoulder and not make life any more difficult for me. If I was civil with him we could get things sorted out for a divorce and be on our way....

The truth he was more sick than I thought. The fact that he lost control in his life and that I held all the power in regards to my daughter made him crazy. He became manipulative, threatening (not physically) and desperate. When I finally snapped out of my denial I could see him for what he really was, a criminal with many problems including anger and control issues. As a last ditch effort he threatened me with many things including: Filing legal action against my sister because she wrote him a strongly worded email (no threats in said email), having his parents take me to court (no reason given) and to have all of my furniture taken away because some of it was bought in his name. Finally he tried to bribe me. He said he was going to get his mother to pay for a lawyer to fight me in court, but if I agreed to take my daughter to visit him in prison he would instead give me the money to use for Nugget... what a bastard.

Which leads me to step two....

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Link to: Single Mom: Rocking it Solo: Pet Peeve

This post is one that I could have written myself. It is by a fellow single parent that I have come to know through an online community.

Single Mom: Rockin it Solo

I will add this:

The finacial, emotional and physical toll it takes to be a single parent is one that few people can relate too if they have never been there.

Military wives come the closest, but they still have someone out there that loves them and supports them both emotionally and finacially. Though I know they have a whole other level of stress and I say kudos to them and they do not peeve me when they say feel like a sinlge mom.

I don't use the word "hate" lightly... but I HATE hear a married woman (or man) say she is a single parent because of XYZ... If you truly feel that way then talk to your spouse, get counseling or leave and see what it is really like out there on your own. End Vent.

Friday, May 20, 2011

ME: The Single Mother

-I am a mother who receives no child support.
-I am a mother who does not receive federal assistance.
-I am a mother who does all the cleaning and cooking.
-I am a mother who works full time in medical research.
-I am a mother who has a college education.
-I am a mother who uses both cloth diapers and disposables.
-I am a mother who clips coupons.
-I am a mother who shops sales and thrift stores.
-I am a mother who is single.
-I am a mother who buys my child jarred baby food... no it is not organic.
-I am a mother who gives her child a snack to achieve 5 mins of peace.
-I am a mother who thinks about her daughter a million times a day.
-I am a mother who dresses in sweats while my daughter is always in an adorable & coordinated outfit
-I am a mother who cooks dinner at home 95% of the time.
-I am a mother who has been up all night multiple times with a sick baby.
-I am a mother who has an iPhone.
-I am a mother who pays all of her bills.
-I am a mother who has to ask for help from friends and family.
-I am a mother who faked a smile until it became real.
-I am a mother who know the songs from Yo Gabba Gabba, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and other children's cartoons.
-I am a mother who feeds her child table food.
-I am a mother who vaccinates her child.
-I am a mother who needs "me" time.
-I am a mother that does not use a shopping cart cover.
-I am a mother who puts her child first.
-I am a mother who loves her child more than anything.
-I am a mother who will fight to keep my child safe.

The only things that really matter on the list are the last 3 bullets. Opinions are different than judgements. Share with me your opinions, but keep you judgements to yourself.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Not on my mind

Someone brought up my X yesterday and I realized it was the first time I had thought about him in days. He is just not on my mind much these days.

I think about work, bills, my family, friends, cleaning, cooking and of course my daughter... Yes, he does cross my mind when I speak about divorce or when I speak to his sister, but he is not a part of my everday life. Since cutting off all contact my life has been much happier. PERIOD. His pressence was a poison and I feel like I came out of detox.

On another note, my daughter had her 9 month appt and it went really well! She is physically strong and developmentally ahead of the game :) She is still a big girl. In the 97th percentile for height and 96th for weight. She was an ANGEL during her appointment... I was proud yet confused as to who that child was lol! She sat still, laughed, held her mouth open on command and only cried for a couple seconds when she got her shots! The doctor commented on how happy she was, saying, and I quote: She is one of the best babies I have ever seen" Score one for Caroline and Mommy!

Goes to show you that when you feel truly happy on your own, it can rub off on those around you.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I once told my therapist that I not only had baggage, I had a complete matching set. He laughed and so did I. The truth is no matter what you go through in life you carry it with you in some way or another. You learn from your successes and your mistakes. Now this is bound to get cheesy... I apologize in advance.

A year ago my baggage came in a complete set. In the grand scheme of things I was "over packed" for my trip through life. Holding on to bitterness, mistrust, anger, stress, worry and sadness. I could not carry this cargo alone. While traveling with all of this I needed help to get from one place to another. My therapist, parents, sister, brother, friends, other family and an online support team... all of them helped share the weight so I could move forward. As time has passed I have chosen to let go of most of that baggage in order to move forward by myself (with my Daughter of course too!). Unpacking my luggage has taken a while and I am not completely done. For the first time in almost a year I am able to bear the load alone.

I am currently charging through life with one checked bag stuffed with the negative feelings and emotions, a carry on to filled with all of the lessons I have learned and, of course, a diaper bag filled with future hopes and dreams. With any luck my check luggage will get lost at the next stop.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


X couldn't get a family court lawyer, his was a criminal lawyer and did not know his way around family court. He made requests that were invalid and basically never going to happen. One being that he asked that X not have to pay child support because it was more of a punishment!!! ARE you kidding me?? I think I have already made my feeling clear on this, but I can't believe his lawyer brought it up in court! The second request was for Grandparent visitation. This was dumb for two reasons:
1) This is not a part of our divorce. If his parents want to take me to court they have to do that separately.
2) The lawyer didn't even know that I have been granting visitation whenever my in-laws have been in town! My lawyer pointed out the only reason they would even ask for court ordered visitation is because they would try to take my child to prison... because I am not keeping her from them.
X's last request was for visitation in prison. My lawyer pointed out that he has never truly accepted responsibility for his crime, has not gotten any counseling or had time to reflect on his bad choices and try to better himself.

The magistrate basically laughed at X's request for no child support and said he would not grant prison visitation. He went as far as to try to get the Judge so they might be able to get her final word on the matter! Unfortunately she was not available...

In four weeks the will go in front of the judge and she most likely will agree with the magistrate and I will not have to take Nugget to prison!!! I am so happy right now :)Best birthday gift ever!I know nothing is completely for certain, but it feels good knowing even his attorney admits it is most likely a lost cause for X :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Life is not fair

My first court date is quickly approaching. Friday will be the Temporary Orders hearing. I expect this to go relatively quickly... but you never know. I was told they would basically put on record that I have full physical and legal custody. They will also issue a temporary child support order.

As of right now I was told by my sister-in-law that X is hiring an attorney to fight for in prison visits with my daughter. I will fight for NO visitation. He asked me several times over the phone to take out any request for child support because it wasn't fair to him cause he can't pay. It is not fair for him to come out of prison with a debt in back child support...

EXCUSE ME??? Let's talk fair, shall we?

  • Is it fair that my husband was cheating on me and soliciting minors for sex?

  • Is it fair that I can't even walk through the town where we lived without getting strange/pity looks?

  • Is it fair that I was left to pick up the pieces when you were arrested?

  • Is it fair that I have been left to solely provide for a daughter that I planned to raise with a partner?

  • Is it fair that she will miss out on many things because she is not receiving financial support from her father?

  • Is it fair that she faces an emotional uphill battle because her father is now a registered pedophile?

  • Is it fair that I can't even afford to live in the home I own because I have to pay off all of our joint bills?

  • IS it fair that you are requesting a 9 month old travel 160 miles for a short visit inside a PRISON???

Life is not fair. As an innocent victim of a sick, manipulative man I can attest to this. I however think it is more than fair that when you make poor/disgusting choices you are made face the consequences.

So how about you take a break from asking for things and focus on not being a selfish human being. Face your consequences. Serve your sentence. Maybe try being the best father you could be by keeping your distance. Just a thought.