Wednesday, December 22, 2010


We had a supervised visit yesterday. It was fine just uncomfortable.

With Christmas being this week his sister has come in from Spain and while I know they all know what he has done to me, my daughter and the whole family, they seem to just push that aside. I don't want to cause drama, but give me a break. He gave me a onsie that says "Made with love by mommy and daddy" I will be donating it.

After the visit he gave me a note he had written. I read it and it said everything he has already told me. He focuses on saying he never cheated on me, he loves me and he was depressed and he didn't want me to give up on "us"... blah blah blah. I put the letter in a drawer. Depression is not an excuse.

"Us" was gone a long time ago. I have retired our title of "we".

"We" will no longer be making decisions together.
"We" are not sending out Christmas cards.
"We" are not raising our daughter
"We" are not celebrating birthdays or anniversaries
"We" are not going struggling to stay on top of bills

I am doing all of those things, me.

I am not giving up. I am pushing through. Just me, no "us" no "we".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

After Jan 12

I will have time to breathe a bit more. X will be sentenced and I can take a time out to just focus on my life for a while. Being the best mom I can and working hard to give her the best start in life.

Yesterday I tried to picture my life without my child and it was impossible. I would never risk doing something to lose her and I still can't beleive he chose to do what he did.

His loss.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time...

...I always smelled like my orange blossom lotion
...4:30am didn't exist to me
...The only thing was changed every two hours was my mind
...The only thing I needed to remember when I left the house was my purse and it's contacts
...bottles were glass and contained beer
...I watched the news in the morning
...I could take long hot showers
...I could wake up 45mins before I had to leave for work

I currently (and quite often) smell like sour soy formula. I was awaken at 4:30am had to feed, change and dress the baby... only to have her poop and spit up 2 mins later so I could do parts 2 & 3 again. I set her in her bouncer and took a 5 min shower. Then I turned on some cartoons to distract her long enough to put on minimal make-up for work, get her bag ready, get my bag ready and warm up the car. The last step before we walk out the door is to put her in her fleece suit, buckle her into her carseat and load everything in the car. Now we are on our way to the sitter's house where I will drop her off and go over a few daily checklists, during which time the baby spits-up a little bit more on my coat before I leave for work. So, I got up at 4:30 and rushed around for 3 hours and finally pull into the parking garage to START the day! Ha!
This is a typical day. I rush around. I have very little, if any, time for me. I skip meals because I forget to eat, or I don't have time. My life has changed so much and yet I am happier.

Nugget is worth it.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Love her

This is going to be short and sappy.

I love my child. More than anything in the world. More than anything I could ever imagine.

When she smiles at me the fact that she just woke me up at 4am doesn't matter.

Her cry cuts through me like no other sound and when her tears run down her cheeks I want nothing more than to comfort her.

The fact that I am the only one she wants when she is sad and/or tired makes me feel so wonderful because I want to be that person.

For every soiled diaper there is a laugh. For every shirt she has spit-up on there is happy coo. For every stretch mark, pound gained and hair lost there is a smile and honestly this makes it more than worth it.

I love being her mother.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Amazing Day, Part 2

On my way to the Portrait Studio I stopped at a nearby Bob Evan’s for some breakfast. While I was there I was approached by an older woman and we chatted about The baby for a minute. After she left my waitress came up to me and let me know that the woman I was talking too had paid my check!! She said Nugget was beautiful and wished us a merry Christmas… It was the most wonderful random act of kindness! She couldn’t have known how hard my life has been and I don’t think she will ever know how amazing it made me feel. It was a great reminder that there are some wonderful people out there and they could be eating breakfast right across from you.

Thank you Breakfast Angel!

My Amazing Day Part 1

I want to update all 2 of my readers on my amazing day! I am going to do it in two parts because my breakfast angel deserves special props.

The day started at 6am when Nugget woke up (for the third time since 3am… not a good start!) and we started to get ready for our BIG DAY. I say BIG DAY because we had a lot scheduled into my one (non-holiday) day off. Her 4 month appt was that morning followed by her first set of professional photos and we rounded out the day with a trip to Target to stock up on diapers and other needs. I was really worried about having her vaccinations and pictures in the same day but I couldn’t take another day off with Christmas/New Years coming up and I could only get my pics done on a weekday. My foster sister works at this portrait studio and set me up with a free package J

Like I said she had a bad night and I was extremely worried that our day was going to be a tough one. Luckily it turns out that Nugget was just backed up and one poopy diaper later she was in a splendid mood! We got her a bath and picked out 4 outfits for the pictures because she spits up a little after eating and I wanted to be super prepared. Grabbed a variety of hair bows, a warm blanket and we were on our way!

Her doc. appt went great! She is a big girl with both weight and height in the 93rd percentile! So Nugget basically looks like a 6 months old and the doctor was impressed with her strength. Looks like I have a little athlete on my hands. Anyway she got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried for about a min but it was a soft whimper and not a complete meltdown. So far, so good!

Next stop was the portrait studio. I was worried that Nug would sleep through the whole shoot but she perked up just before our time. The best thing was that she didn’t fuss or spit up the entire time, even though she was on her belly a lot! Nugget can be a pretty fussy girl, she is not a fan of tummy time and she spits up often… but not yesterday!! It was like she was a whole new baby! M (my foster sister) did and excellent job with Nugget. We had a lot of material to choose from and I was really happy to finally have some professional shots of my little girl. After the pictures were done we went shopping and she slept the whole time.