Monday, November 22, 2010

ILs Thanksgiving

I decided to go to my IL's Thanksgiving. Mostly because I knew X would not be there and I would not be going up for Christmas. The trip as a whole was succsessful. We went, talked, ate then left. No big deal.

On the way home Nugget was over tired from being held and played with all day. She screamed for about 15 mins in the car so I pulled over. I fed her walked around with her and we went on our merry way once again.... 10 minutes later she starts screaming again! After 15 mins of trying to put her pacifier in her mouth with no luck, I pull over again. I walk her around get her to calm down and fall asleep so I load her up in her car seat and take off.... 15 mins later she is screaming again! I pull over, re-check her diaper, try to burp her, soothe her and once again try to leave. This time she cries for another 5 mins till she finally passes out.

I am now driving, in the dark, mentally and physically exausted when see something I wish I didn't have to see. I drove right past the park where my X got arrested for attempting to meet up with a teen girl. Everything came flooding into my head. Why I was driving alone with a baby, why he was not invited to Thanksgiving, why my little family is the way it is.

I became angry. What a a$$hole! How could he do this to me, my daughter and our families? How could that thought even cross his mind?

By the time I got home I was tired, pissed, sick (I have a cough/sore throat) and all I wanted was sleep but I could get my brain to slow down. I will never understand. I will just never understand.

Monday, November 15, 2010

"It's like having a partner.." Umm NO!

Do I live with my parents? Yes. Are they helpful? Yes. BUT they are not a partner. People are always saying; "Oh, at least your parents are there so you are not alone... you can dump the baby on them and go out... you have a built in baby sitter... you have all that help... it's like having a partner" Actually, No, it's not like that.

Grandma and Grandpa stepped up when I had my c-section. They helped me 24/7 when I was physically compromised. They have had days where they took Baby Nugget to a local fair or festival without me. It is convenient to have them there when I need to run to the corner store to get milk or formula. My mom can pick up the baby from daycare if she gets off work early and can give me a short break if I feel overwhelmed. In other words my parents are helpful and I appreciate all they do.... BUT...

My parents usually will only go about one hour with the baby while she is awake. (Nugget can be a very fussy baby at times.) This gives me time to clean and do chores before I am tapped back into the game. They both work full time and have varying schedules so they are not always home. They do not wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. They do not buy her formula and other baby items (other than the occasional gifts). They go out without the baby all the time. They are not called home from work when Nugget is sick. I have to ask my parents for help and they can say no. I take care of the baby 95% of the time (other than when I am at work). They have a life and make plans without asking me all the time.

If I had a partner we could split the duties, even if I did all the baby stuff, he could do the dishes and the laundry. He could take one night shift with the baby when I needed sleep. It probably wouldn't be 50/50 but it would be easier on me.

Like I said I do appreciate my parents. They are not Nugget's mother, I am. They did not sign up for co-parenting duties. They are the grandparents. Some women have no help and I am thankful for every minute of support. They love her and Baby Nugget loves them too. This post was in no way complaining about them, not for a second. I just want people to know that just because I live with my mom and dad, it doesn't mean Nugget has 3 parents.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Happy Anniversary... ::cricket, cricket::

My first anniversary was this past Friday. Last year on November 5th I pledged my heart and soul to someone. I said forever and at the time I meant it. I would have stuck through the most problems. The only exceptions in my mind were abuse and multiple infidelities… Well, the bad times in our relationship were much worse.

I will never forget the police knocking on my door. The neighbors standing outside staring and whispering. How the detective tried to comfort me with small talk about my pregnancy. More than anything I will remember how ashamed I felt to be his wife. Every moment spent with him up to that point had made me nothing but happy. We hardly ever fought. We said I love you all the time. We spent so much time together smiling, laughing, kissing and I always felt so lucky to have him in my life. Now I was embarrassed, scared and confused.

The local news ran the story. The last time he was on the news it was because he had helped raise money for a local family to buy a handicap accessible van… I was proud to be his wife then. The hardest part for me has been the lack of warning signs. Yes, he coached high school girls, but I always had male coaches. He never acted weird and even fired a JV coach for inappropriate behavior. How could I have missed it. Can I trust my instincts? I am rambling…

This post is about how much can truly change in a year. I believe that after some time, healing and therapy I will reach a point when I will believe in forever again. Forever with the right person. I want my daughter to believe in that. I will try my best not to be bitter because she deserves to believe in fairy tales and true love… and so do I.