Monday, April 13, 2015

It has been long time...

I know it has been a long time... I honestly have not had anything interesting to write about. I have been happy and busy and my creative juices just have not been flowing. Unfortunately I have something to write about today and it is a very painful topic. It is regarding the death of a child. I want to give fair warning for those who may not want to continue reading... cause this is tough.

His name is Michael and he was 10 years old. His hair was a dirty blonde with a hint of strawberry. The first time I held his hand was on his death bed. We had only ever spoken about 5 words to one another at the get together's of mutual friends, yet there I was, in a hospital room holding his icy cold hand, humming to him and periodically petting his head when he left this world. I am sure I am one of the last people this child would have expected to be there when he died, I am SURE nobody expected it to be happening so soon. The whole experience was surreal.

Michael had a heart condition that I still do not know the specifics of. His mother has been a friend of my husband's for almost 20 years, so when M was admitted to the hospital with serious complications our close group of friends were told almost immediately. We rallied around this single mother who was by her son's side almost every minute for over a week as the doctors tried everything to save this boy. He had emergency surgery, then we waited, test after test was performed, then we waited some more. Finally his mother was told M would need a heart transplant. He was put on the transplant list and again we waited. The whole time we were all praying, thinking good thoughts, raising money for the medical expenses for the transplant that M was sure to get... but then his kidneys started to fail...

When I woke up Tuesday morning I was devastated to read the latest update on Michael's condition. He had coded twice through the night and after running a brain scan it was found that he had severe brain trauma and would not pull through. I cried at work and made arrangements to leave early so I could go support M's mother and say goodbye. Expecting only to be there for a short time as to not overwhelm M's mother, just show here we were there for her, I asked my parents to pick up Nugget and watch her for an hour.

Upon arrival at the hospital we were all hit with the reality that this child would not be with us much longer. His mother was distraught of course, and after a long week of ups, downs and lots of waiting she just could not bear to watch her child die. She mentioned that the grandparents would be staying with him as he passed, but we could not find the grandparents. I can't explain this feeling I had, but I could not leave until I knew for sure this child would have someone to hold his hand. It was like an extreme, acute anxiety. as the mother said her excruciating goodbye we could still not find the grandparents. It turns out they had left the hospital and they were not planning on being there at the end. (**I just want to say that I hold no judgement towards this family or how they were grieving. M's mother was so emotionally broken and she did everything she could do. I ask anyone reading this not to look at her in a negative light, cause I was there and her love for this boy was never in question. She is good mom. period) When we got the information about the grandparents leaving I asked M's mom if she wanted anyone to stay. No matter how anxious I was feeling, I would never go against a mother's wishes, if she would have been uncomfortable with me staying I would have followed her out and prayed from the lobby. She said that if we felt like we could (My husband and I) she would be thankful if we stayed.

I stayed. There was no hesitation. I couldn't leave, no matter how much I wanted to and I did want to. I wanted to go home and hug my daughter. I wanted to send this boy good thoughts, go hug my friends and cry. I stayed. I went into my inner mom mode, I told myself to be calm and steady for this boy so he could pass away in peace. I would breakdown later. My husband and my BIL stayed as well.

 His hand was already cold from poor circulation. I held it softly. His blue finger tips tucked between palms. I wanted to sing him a lullaby, it was a strange urge. Like I was trying to calm a baby, it is what I do when I need to soothe my own sick child... but I couldn't sing without choking up, so I hummed quietly. I am not sure if anyone else could even hear it. The doctors and nurses were amazing. Very kind and gentle. They told us everything they were doing and what to expect. They kept a respectful distance after the machines were turned off. We stayed there until the doctor said he was gone, I had already felt the warmth leave his brow by that point. I knew he had passed before the doctor's confirmation.

When we walked out of the room there were other families in the hall. Some were laughing or talking about dinner. Others were solemn like us. Where do you go from here? When you witness something like this it is hard to bring yourself back to the little realities. I had to call my mom and check in on Nugget. My mom (who I had updated earlier via text message) told me she thought I had done a wonderful thing and wanted to make sure I was ok. Nugget was already in bed at their house, no need to worry about picking her up, they had it all handled. My father took the phone and told me he was proud of me. I did not know what I did would cause this kind of reaction. I was just trying to comfort a child and a give a mother peace of mind, but that is the reaction I got from a lot of people who found out about my experience.

I don't feel like I did anything amazing. I feel like I did the only thing I could do. I was actually afraid I was stepping on some toes... M's mom hugged me the next time I saw her and thanked me again for everything I had done. It was hard and it was sad... and I would always make the same choice.

Monday, October 6, 2014


I am getting married this week! I should say WE are getting married, since this is just as much about growing our family as it is me marrying my wonderful fiance.

Nugget is so excited. It is all she talks about. She keeps saying she is so happy to be in Mommy and Daddy's wedding. I am so thankful she loves him and he loves her. It is like a dream how great they are together.

Another piece of proof that if you take the time to get yourself together you will always be happy. Because whether I was getting married or not I would be happy, now I just get to share that happiness :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Letter from Prison: OUR Daughter

Last week I received another letter from my X. This comes on the verge of me remarrying. When Nugget and I are happily adding a worthy man to our family. A man I wish would be able to adopt Nugget and legal be her father. How ironic it is to magically get a letter from him now.

This letter was much shorter than the rest. In it he says my name several times. "Becca, I want this...." and "I am not asking much Becca..."

I know he is doing this as a psychological tactic, I also know he knows about my upcoming marriage. I am not surprised since his parents do visit and they know. He is feeling even more loss of control.

The one thing this letter makes very clear is that he will never leave us alone. He says Caroline is "OUR" daughter and repeats it.

I have news for him... she is not his daughter. She is a product of his DNA, but she is not his daughter. She never will be. She has a wonderful man in her life now that loves her the way a daddy should love his daughter and she loves him back. She begs to stay up till her daddy gets home so she can give him a hug before she sleeps. She asks me to send him videos of her telling him: "Good morning daddy! I love you sooo much!"

This family consists of Becca, Bobby and Nugget. Mommy, Daddy and Daughter.

Our Daughter.

No room and no love for X.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Fighting the fight!

R. Kelly was going to be headlining a music festival here in Columbus, OH. A friend of mine alerted me through facebook and lead a campaign of local residents AGAINST bringing him here to perform. The man is a sexual predator, whether he has been convicted YET or not, the trail of lawsuits do not lie. He has been cited as a child predator by SEVERAL young girls 12-17 yrs of age who were claim they were exploited and preyed upon by the singer. Reference this article for more info: Village Voice

Anyway! After reading some replies stating that R. Kelly may be evil, but "He puts on a good show!" or "He can really perform!" I had to say something. So, I responded with the following:

  • "It's actually very common for sexual predators to put on a good show. That is how they lure their victims."
This was quoted in several articles written after Kelly was removed from the festival lineup. Thank you COLUMBUS for standing up for what is right! 

I love my town. I am glad I was able to help the effort. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

Friends First

I have truly been blessed when it comes to my relationship with my FI. Our long history as friends made so many things, so much easier. The trust between us is amazing. I have never felt so entirely sure of any man I have been with, EVER. I thought I trusted a few boyfriends before, but I was wrong! I trust him to take care of me and Nugget when I need help. I trust his heart not to stray. I trust him to grow with me and not away from me. I trust him to be honest even if it is hard.

It is so great. I can't wait to marry this man.

Thursday, June 19, 2014


Since my Fiance (FI) moved in about a month ago we have left it to Nugget to decide what to call him and how fast their bond/relationship would grow. FI has been in Nugget's life since she was born, he has never been a stranger and slowly over the last 7 months (Nugget was not introduced to FI as my boyfriend the first few months of our relationship, until we were serious and committed) their relationship has grown naturally.

There was never moment where we forced her to interact. When FI proposed he ask Nugget if he could join our family. Nugget has not stopped talking about our wedding ever since. Over the past couple weeks the word "Daddy" has been used by her randomly and last week it seems to have become permanent. On Father's Day this year she greeted FI at the bottom of the steps, present in hand and excitedly yelled:

"Happy Daddy's Day! I love you sooo much!"

It was a wonderful moment for all of us. The smile on her face and the expression of pure happiness on her face showed me again that I made the best decision for our family by loving this man and bringing him into our crazy life.

Happy Father's Day had a new meaning this year, and it was amazing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Mourning My Single Mom Life

This past weekend my fiance moved in with Nugget and I. Words cannot describe how happy this makes me. It is nice to have him close and to not have to worry about little things like travel time between houses or doing everything around my house all by myself and of course just being able to get a kiss before and after work!

That being said this post is about the “loss” of my former life. Moving forward is always a mix of emotions. No matter how hard the past was, there is always a piece of it that made you happy and that you will look back on fondly. For me and Nugget our life together as a family of two is over. This makes me sad. We have accomplished so much together and against all odds we were very happy. She learned to walk, talk, laugh, and everything that has made her the amazing girl she is today. As for me, in the last 4 years I have grown as well. I passed my certification test, found a better job, was able to keep my home and became more confident in myself. We did all of that together, as a team… a team of two. Now FI (fiance) has joined our ranks. Like I said before I am beyond joyful to have him, but I will mourn the loss of my old life.

It is scary to move forward sometimes, sometimes it is exciting and sometimes both. It is OK to be a little sad to leave that all behind. I am proud of myself and my daughter for getting through the most stressful time in my life. Now looking back I can truly appreciate how hard it was, how much we overcame and how thankful I am to grow our family.