Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Step 3: Anger

The anger I felt towards my X came in waves. It hit hard and sometimes came out of nowhere.

The first wave of anger came when I thought about my daughter. My innocent, unborn baby girl. A child that was planned by two people. The nursery was painted, the furniture purchased and the baby shower was only 2 days before the arrest. When I packed up things to go home with my mother I stood in the nursery for a long time, starring at the walls that now bore the color we had chosen together only a week before. I became livid.

How could he do this to her? She did not ask to be his daughter and now she is forced to face the truth about her father someday. I will not throw the details in her face, but I will not lie to her. It is important for her to know what her father is, for her own protection. I have promised myself I will not make this conversation harder or more dramatic than it has to be... but the fact that I have to prepare for this ANGERS me.

The next wave of anger came for the children my X violated. How could anyone who was having a daughter do the things he had done? Those children were peoples baby girls. The children in the pictures and videos were innocent and defenseless. Every single time he downloaded something he encouraged other adults to hurt children. It is disgusting. I read the transcripts of what was found on our computer. I got physically ill just seeing the summary... I can't believe I let him touch me... which leads em to my last wave of anger.

Last, but not least, I felt anger towards him as his wife. He cheated on me, he took out an add on craigslist looking for an affair, he video taped and sexual encounter he had while we were together, he told other women they were beautiful... It devastated me in a way completely separate from the pedophile aspect of what he had done. He exposed me to diseases and honestly put mine and my child's life on the line for a cheap, sexual thrill. What an asshole! At one point I just lost it on him. He had to know how I felt... so I called him and unloaded all of this over the phone. I felt so much better when I hung up the phone. I was glad that I made him cry, sob even. He deserved to feel like shit.

My last wave of anger came when after filing for divorce. We had actually had phone conversations about coming to an agreement on who gets what. Basically he agreed to ask that Nugget be brought to prison for visits, that I will get all of the property (furniture etc) and I would have full physical and legal custody (duh). Then all of a sudden after being in prison for a full 3 weeks he changes his mind!! "The visiting rooms are really nice.", "I plan on being in her life when I get out so she should get to know me."... Oh, no! No! No! Why did I think he would follow through with his word?! Why did I think this would be easy?!

My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law took her son's side and hired him a lawyer... but not before they offered me a bribe! They offered to give me the $1500 dollars they were putting towards a lawyer if I agreed to some kind of visitation! More anger bubbled up. My anger went towards his mother for defending a pedophile and trying to get my daughter to build a relationship with him. My anger flowed towards this man that was once the love of my life, but now could not stop trying to tear my life apart. He knew I would have to pay a lawyer to fight this.... he knew that I needed money in general since I don't get child support... again I state that he is an asshole.

During my periods of anger I would get so worked up that I could not sleep. I spent hours stewing over this man and his actions. The thought of him, or even his mother would set me off. I am pretty sure my blood pressure was a lot higher during these times. Over all I felt like awful when I was angry, I hate being angry. I do have to say though anger is much better than the next stage...

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