I am expecting a letter. A letter that is 20 pages long and that is going to arrive in 3 separate envelopes. The letter is from my STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) and who knows what all is inside. I do know that I will read it or at least make the attempt to.
Why? Well, mostly because I am curious… also because I need to see if he says anything my lawyer needs to know. I will admit that the curiosity is a big motivator… I guess it is the longing to understand what signs I may have missed when we were together, or how he could think the way he did… I logically know I will never understand and reading this may be a waste of my time. It is very likely that it if full of “I’m sorry” and “I will always love you” which now I am numb to.
I think the hardest thing for people to understand is that he was normal in most every way. He was not creepy, or abusive. He was not gross or slimy… he was a normal man with a sick side. People don’t understand that the love doesn’t die instantly… I had to grieve the loss of the part of him that I loved. Taking him back NEVER crossed my mind, but that doesn’t mean losing the person I loved didn’t cause me pain. I have been working through it since day one. Therapy has helped and having a support system.
This letter will find me near the end of my grieving process. A place that is mostly numb to him and his pleas. Where I am happily raising my daughter on my own… with no need for him.