Tuesday, October 11, 2011

When to tell... What to tell...

I have thought about this a lot, discussed it with my therapist and doctors, yet I am still not sure how to handle it.... When to tell my daughter what has happened and what to tell her? I want it to be age appropriate and honest. I want her to have enough info to protect herself, yet I do not want to weigh her down with too much.

My therapist said to wait until she asks about her father, or sometime before school starts. If he ever is awarded visitation then she has to know what is an inappropriate request/behavior.... not that he wouldn't be monitored, but you can never be too safe with this stuff. As she gets older I will take her with me to see someone that can help her sort out her feelings.

I know some things are certain:

  1. This is not a secret. Her father's face was all over the news. We live in a small town and my family has lived here since my Grandfather was in grade school... Though people have been supportive, they also know and whisper about "That poor girl", so if she doesn't hear it from me, she will hear it somewhere else.
  2. My ex-mother/father-in-law will not be happy with me. They think me telling her the truth is hateful. They will have to get over it. I have been told how important it is to disclose the info to her and not to sugar coat it for her own protection.
  3. I am terrified. I do not want my daughter to feel anything but proud of who she is. Just because her father is a sick man does not mean there is anything wrong with her. I don't want this information to make damage her in anyway... yet I know it will hurt to hear.
I know people who would want to hide these things, sweep it under the rug. It is unpleasant and disturbing... but it is the truth. I am not talking shit about a man because he hurt me, I am sharing the truth about a dangerous person because it will help protect my child.

Just to clarify again I will not be disclosing the horrific details to a young girl. I will work very closely with my therapist on what to say and how to say it. I am hoping this is years away. When she is in high school and closer to 18, I will leave it up to her if she wants to read his case file. I made myself read it while all of this was going on and it snapped me into reality. This information makes it all to obvious that this man is dangerous and will try to lie his way into her life and possibly her future children's life. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

He is obviously a person with a horrible problem, sickness and obsession. I can imagine the thoughts that go through your head. What a horrible tragedy to deal with. With time things get better. I'm sure you have heard that over and over. As time goes on everything will fit into place. I want the word and things to get better fast! Always be honest with your child. The rest will fall into place. Your therapists will help you. One day at a time. IF he ever gets to see her I'm sure your girl will be well educated enough to make the right choices to protect herself from him and other people as well. You are doing whats right. You are doing nothing wrong. Personally, his parents are just as messed up if they think this is ok. They need slapped!