I have not shared this before, maybe alluded to it though... I really can't remember... My X an I had several conversations after the arrest. I was still trying to process "why?" and understand who I really married. During a few of these conversations he tried to explain "why" he did what he did. He even wrote it down in a letter, I remember my lawyer commenting on it in court, anyway here it is. Not word for word, but a general idea of "why" X did what he did:
In late November of 2009 I found out I was expecting. At several points during my pregnancy I was put on pelvic rest (light activity, no heavy lifting, no sex) because of bleeding and spotting. X said that this coupled with his dissatisfaction with work cause him to be depressed. He also claimed to be experiencing erectile dysfunction. None of this was ever shared with me though things did seem slightly off in some ways he was still taking good care of me when I needed him and we were pretty happy.
Apparently after the first episode of spotting (6wks into the pregnancy) he says that he came to the conclusion that this baby was going to die/be miscarried. Doesn't matter the doctor told us multiple times that this was normal and that all of my tests looked great and the baby was very healthy... Even when I was 32 weeks along he says he "just knew" that this child was not going to make it and that I may die giving birth. Because these thoughts consumed him he used porn to escape. He said that everything was legal for a while and his first underage material was downloaded on accident. He didn't mean to do it, but it was just so easy to find...
This man is a liar. He may have been worried about the pregnancy in the beginning, so was I, but by week 28 we were both fine. He felt her move all the time, talked about getting things ready, names and the future. Not to mention that anxiety is not an excuse to be a pedophile. Being depressed does make it ok for a person to spend multiple hours EVERY SINGLE DAY looking at underage girls and young children being violated. Trying to tell me that the reason you were/are sexually attracted to children was because you were worried for the well being of your own baby? ::Does not compute! Does not compute!:: Sorry buddy, you disgust me.
He said he saw how scared I was at first and that it triggered his fear. Throughout the whole letter he talks places the blame on me and my pregnancy. Saying he would have never gone down this path had my pregnancy been easier...
Let's remember that after being arrested it came out that he was dismissed from a previous teaching position under shady circumstances (he was asked to resign for undisclosed reasons) which I was told **MAY have had to do with an inappropriate relationship with a student. He later dated a girl who he coach in high school right after she graduated. This is confirmed by my BIL and SIL who went to an amusement park with them on a double date. On top of the 10 years worth of hard drives that were found to have images as well. Basically, this man has a proven pattern of behavior so don't you DARE try to blame your disgusting and deplorable behavior on me, my pregnancy or my child. ::insert expletive::
**The true reason was never revealed by the school and X refuses to say anything about it. When I asked him point blank he actually told me his lawyer told him not to disclose the reason to anyone.