Not so Natural Disaster.

While walking through the halls at work this morning I had a random thought enter my mind. It was inspired by an episode of Mad Men… they were discussing a company called London Fog, and then there it was. The realization of what it is really like to go through something awful, what truly happens to a person emotionally at the point impact. Of course it is common for a person to say they were “in a fog”, so common in fact that I do not think it registers what that means. I can only speak for myself and others who have shared their own experiences with me, but I find every little insight can be helpful.

From the moment I opened the door to the police on that day almost three years ago till about March, 2011, I was in the fog. This fog is like that that follows a terrible storm, the smoke and smog that follows a meltdown or explosion and surrounds you with a terrifying quickness. The image that sticks in my mind is after the Twin Towers fell and the dust and rubble surrounded all those nearby… or maybe a tsunami... When I opened the door to see the crew of police it was like that 2-3 seconds before the cloud hits you. You see it coming, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Then you are trapped. You are almost blind. You can’t breathe.

It is so easy to be lost. There are those who give up and live the rest of their lives in the cloud, or those who try so hard to get out, but are just unable to. Then there are those who get out and find the sun again. I was one of the lucky ones who can say I feel the rays on my face again. It was a lot of hard work, but some of it was luck also. So, now I get to my advice:

• Don’t panic. Never make a move without thinking it through! If you were really in a fog or tsunami, every move would count. You would not want to go running and flailing through the unknown. It is dangerous and a waste of energy. There are hazards in tragedy as well. You have lost your sight in the fog, so use your other senses. Before you say yes or sign any paperwork, read it of have it read by an attorney/trusted neutral party. It is more than ok to grieve. It is not ok to take your pain out on others or yourself.

• Don’t ignore. You can’t pretend that everything is fine. Of course your personal tragedy should not be the only thing you ever talk about, and you shouldn’t spill your guts to everyone you meet, and remember to keep professional at work. However, if you are constantly pretending that everything is fine and it will fix itself, you stand to lose a lot. Especially when it comes to financial and legal manners you need to get your ducks in a row.

• Move forward. I have said it before, I am saying it again. Push yourself daily. At first it may be a battle just to get out of bed, take a shower, get out of the house. Set yourself small goals and push yourself forward. Standing still for too long will bury you in the debris and going backwards will put you into the burning embers.

• Protect yourself. Get a lawyer, a therapist or other professional that fits your particular situation. Stitch up your wounds, care for yourself and prepare for aftershocks and future battles.

• Keep your cool. Aside from panic there is also anger and overreaction. Do not let this take over. Saying things you do not mean (or even things you DO mean) to the wrong person can be bad for you. Posting your anger online could be giving someone else ammunition. In a divorce/custody situation the other party may fight to keep you in the darkness and the brink of self-destruction. Don’t help them. It will also surprise you how clear your head can be when it is not tied up with anger/vengeance. You will be able to navigate and feel your way through the fog better, I promise.

• Rebuild. When you find yourself in the clear or close to it, make sure you begin to rebuild your life. Make sure you build a stronger fortification than the first time… but for every reinforced and armored wall you put up remember to place a door… the object is to be smarter not to cut yourself completely off.

Loving myself on the outside

I love myself more today than I ever have in the past. From the day in 5th grade when I realized that I had start wearing a bra, much to my chagrin, all the way through high school and college when I wished for those once hated boobs to grow and thought I was fat. I was never completely at home in my own skin. I was also uncomfortable with my personality. I filled silences with jokes or funny stories. Yes, I love being funny and enjoy my ability to make people laugh, but I admit it was mostly a way to try to get people to like me… I wanted them to like me in a way I could not bring myself to. Maybe in their eyes, smiles and enthusiastic laughter I would see a Becca that I could love. These insecurities lead to a life as a people pleaser. I would say yes, when other friends would say no, I would listen when others would cut a person off and I would stay when a more confident person would walk away. I thank my lucky stars that I was smart enough not to fall for come-ons from sleazy guys who only wanted one thing… BUT though I had few boyfriends I found it hard to see the end of a relationship. I wanted to hold on to the love I had felt from them. I let them get away with not calling me for days, name calling, ignoring me and other things that should have been red flags. Well, that time in my life is over.

After everything that happened with my X I found strength in myself that I could truly be proud of. I was proud of myself and respected myself. I spent time in therapy working through my old issues and getting a better grasp on who I really was. I rejoined my soccer team, took a new class and spent time with my family and friends. The whole time I was me and much to my surprise people still liked me even when I didn’t fill the silences, even when I wasn’t joking around. Over the past 2 years I have built up my self-confidence. They always tell you it is what on the inside that counts and so that was my focus.

It was successful. I love myself on the inside. I respect myself and I feel comfortable being Becca. The one area that I am still lacking is love for my physical appearance. I am still 10 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby and 15 lbs heavier than my “happy” weight. Beyond that my body is just not the same. There are stretch marks, scars, dimples and discolorations where they once did not exist. I see my hips stretched out and slightly hanging over my size 12 pants and I long for the days of milky white, smooth skin, unmarked by the pull of a pregnant belly. How could I have thought I was fat before? I would die to be my old size 10. Only one size away, but my body was tight, toned and even. No muffin top. No need for spanx or complicated shapers. I have to learn to accept what I cannot change and find the strength to work on the things that I do have power over. I can eat better. I can exercise more. That I can do.

Ladies, I know I am not alone. We give over our whole self, physical appearance included to bring our children into this world. The problem is we usually look at ourselves through the eyes of others. We see our scars with the perception we believe others will have. My goal is to see my body through nobody’s eyes but my own. I will appreciate and honor my health. I will look in the mirror and see the beauty before me. I will praise myself for being strong enough to be a mother. I will dress my body in clothing that will highlight my majesty rather than a bunch of material that will hide me flaws. I will take pride in myself, even if I am wear sweatpants after a long day I will try to radiate the confidence that I feel inside. I hope all of my followers will do the same.

As this journey continues I will keep you all updated. Hopefully this will end up being a love story about how I fell head over heels for myself.

Thrive

A thought for all of the ladies and gentlemen who may be going through a drastic change in their life. Maybe a devastating loss.

Survive... then thrive.

Do what you need to do (as long as it is legal) to get through the worst days. Survive. Then move towards the future. Work on yourself and get to a place where you are happy. genuinely happy again. A place where you are a BETTER version of yourself. All the lessons you have learned and the new confidence you found within yourself and the battle you have fought.

Survive, then thrive.

New, new, new

When I look around my condo I see a mishmash of items that have been handed down, borrowed and won in the divorce. Very few items are things that I was a present for at the time of purchase. This has not really bothered me because I honestly have not had the time or energy to even notice. I had what I needed to get by and that was fine.

Well... recently I have been given the opportunity (new job, paid off lawyer) to upgrade somethings in my life. I am going to start phasing out everything that was my X's. I am keeping the living room furniture and washer/dryer because I picked those out and helped pay for them, but the dishes, cookware and mattress are gone! I sold our good mattress 2 years ago to a friend cause it was brand new, but too big for my mom's house. The dishes are very "bachelor". They don't match and are of poor quality. Most of my spoons were damaged (by X) in the garbage disposal and the pots and pans are old and pretty much suck at life.

I am going to buy what I want! Make my home my own. I couldn't be more excited about it :) I got Nugget some new toy bins, book holders and a bet set for her big girl bed.

The best part? My grandfather was kind enough to leave me a small amount of money that will allow me to upgrade my tiny, 10 year old vehicle. I am in a very happy place right now. Shopping is fun again, instead of stressful and disappointing.

Home Sweet Home

I have my condo to myself once again. I own it. I own the furniture. I own the car parked in the garage. All mine.

Less than two years after having the bottom drop from under me I am able to fully support myself and my daughter without the help of my awesome friends and family (financially). Of course they still support my emotionally and always will, but I am paying my own way 100%.  One tiny step at a time I put my life back together. There is still a ways to go. I aim for one or two goals at a time. Here is what my goal-line looked like.

- Focus on my mental/emotional health and being a great mom to a new baby. ::check::
- Block all visitation and communication between X and my Nugget. (He fought the divorce in court, but I got what I asked for) ::check::
- Pass my certification test. ::check::
- Live on my own (small apt) ::check::
- Get a better job ::check::
- Pay off my lawyer ::check::
- Live on my own in my condo. ::check::
- Pay off remaining debt from divorce
- Get a better car
- Sell the condo
- Buy a place closer to work and my parents

Staying focused, asking for help, pushing myself and letting myself move forward. That is what has worked for me. I hope all of the single moms and dads out there in similar circumstances may be able to see that anything is possible. I am not rich and I sure as hell am not perfect, but I try my hardest and I don't waste a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and complaining... Though I do allow the occasional short pity party,usually about once a month ;)

I know this blog is a huge deal and there may not be many people who read it consistently (can't blame you! I am not a real writer!), but if there is someone out there that feels like they have hit a wall you can always feel free to email me. Maybe just writing the email will help or maybe I can share some of my experiences. Whatever! Just letting you all know I am here.

myattemptblog@gmail.com

“You are doing a good job.”

Today Nugget and I went in for a well-baby check and I left with an unexpected lift in spirits. As usual she was running around saying “Hi!” and “Bye!” to everyone in the waiting room. After getting her weight and height the nurse showed us to our room. I could tell that Nugget was getting a little nervous. For the first time she was becoming aware of what it meant to be in a doctor’s office… and she was not having it!

I spent a few minutes calming her and distracting her with toys until the doctor walked in. I love our doctor and she actually is OUR doctor. She was my doctor first and is board certified in pediatrics as well. It was the natural choice for me to have her care for my daughter. Dr. L is always up on the latest research, has a child close to Nugget’s age and has really taken the time to get to know us and listens closely to all I have to say.

We started by going over the milestone checklist for children Nugget’s age, which she passed with flying colors. Then we went over a short Autism screening (standard of care at the office), again Nugget passed. Dr. L and I chatted about how things were going at home and our routines. During this time Nugget got more comfortable with Dr. L and began to talk to her.

Nugget - ::Points to my shoe:: “That’s Mommy’s shoe.”
Dr. L – “Very Good! Where is your shoe?”
Nugget - ::points to her Hello Kitty sneaker::
Dr. L- “Wow, what a smart girl!”
Nugget – “I like Gabba. Foofa, Pex, Yance. Gabba” (Foofa, Plex and (DJ) Lance from the Show “Yo Gabba Gabba”)
Dr. L – “Cool.”

At this point I explain that she may have gotten more than the usual screen time during her illness… (Oops!) But I am assured that Nugget will live and her brain will not explode from the extended TV time. I felt kind of guilty about it, but she was sick and not in the mood to play. When I was sick I was allowed to be lazy and I gave Nugget the same free pass. Dr. L kind of laughed and told me that Nugget had wonderful language skills for her age. Her enunciation was extremely impressive and her use of sentences was great. She was a very healthy, happy and smart child. Then Dr. L said:

“You are doing a good job. I agree with all of your decisions and I think you are doing a great job, mom.”

She then said goodbye to Nugget and left the room. I sat there for a second and let the last words sink in. I am doing a good job. I have known that I am a good mom, and my close friends and family say it from time to time… but to hear it from someone on the outside of my daily life, a professional no less… well it made me feel really good. She might say it to all or most of the moms in her office, but today she said it to me and it gave my spirits a lift after a really hard week.

Not Ready

I am writing today's post with a heavy heart. I spent this past weekend doing a lot of soul searching. The stress of everyday life was catching up with me, I just didn't feel like myself. I don't want to say I have been in a downward spiral.. it was more like a slow decline. In my heart I knew what was bothering me, but I ignored it for a while because I desperately wanted it to be something else.

Turns out I am not ready for a serious relationship. I have been with a wonderful man for 8 months. He has been patient, caring and showed me I could indeed trust a man again and fall in love. Yet, I have come to the realization that I can not continue on with our relationship. The thought of being married again, living with someone was just too much for me. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I felt like there were certain things that would wear on us over time. No red flags, but several yellow and a couple orange. He would always be a wonderful man. We might be OK together for years, but I knew over time these concerns of mine would have eaten away at us.

Breaking a person's heart is not an easy thing to do. This was my decision, I was the one to say goodbye... yet my heart was broken as well. It is much harder to walk away from a good guy than it is to be dumped by a jerk. I did it for him, for my daughter and for myself. He deserves to be with a woman the loves him for EVERYTHING he is. One that can put the energy and time into their relationship. Nugget liked BF but she had not grown to be attached to him in a significant way, I knew this would have changed very soon as she is growing so fast and realizing what is going on around her more and more. This was just something that had to be done.

I am now a truly single mom once again. I am at peace with this, though it was a sad parting. My energy is focused on Nugget, my family, my new job and now I have time to also focus on me. Little by little, over time, I will make my life what I want it to be. I will create a safe and secure family for Nugget, even if it is a family of two.

To my most recent love, Thank you. Thank you for bringing back my faith in love and opening my heart. I could not wish a person more happiness in this life.

Busy Bee Becca

My new job has been keeping me pretty busy, which is a good thing in a lot of ways! Unfortunately this has put a wrench in my blogging, but don't worry I am not giving up on this. I may only be able to post once a week though.
Life is going pretty well for the most part. I am settling a lot of the debt I accumulated over the course of my divorce. I will be able to pay off my lawyer and one of my credit cards. This will make the month to month much more manageable budget wise. Things are getting better with every month that passes.

I am going to have to travel for work soon, but I am finding myself really excited! I will miss Nugget and it will be the longest, by far that I have been away from her... but she will be with my parents and I know they will take amazing care of her and she will have a great time. I seriously miss her already. Being a parent has it's ups and downs. The one thing I am looking forward to is uninterrupted sleep. I am sure it will benefit both Nugget and I.

So... I wish there was more for you all right now... but I really have not had time for anything eventful since the Holidays!