Loving myself on the outside

I love myself more today than I ever have in the past. From the day in 5th grade when I realized that I had start wearing a bra, much to my chagrin, all the way through high school and college when I wished for those once hated boobs to grow and thought I was fat. I was never completely at home in my own skin. I was also uncomfortable with my personality. I filled silences with jokes or funny stories. Yes, I love being funny and enjoy my ability to make people laugh, but I admit it was mostly a way to try to get people to like me… I wanted them to like me in a way I could not bring myself to. Maybe in their eyes, smiles and enthusiastic laughter I would see a Becca that I could love. These insecurities lead to a life as a people pleaser. I would say yes, when other friends would say no, I would listen when others would cut a person off and I would stay when a more confident person would walk away. I thank my lucky stars that I was smart enough not to fall for come-ons from sleazy guys who only wanted one thing… BUT though I had few boyfriends I found it hard to see the end of a relationship. I wanted to hold on to the love I had felt from them. I let them get away with not calling me for days, name calling, ignoring me and other things that should have been red flags. Well, that time in my life is over.

After everything that happened with my X I found strength in myself that I could truly be proud of. I was proud of myself and respected myself. I spent time in therapy working through my old issues and getting a better grasp on who I really was. I rejoined my soccer team, took a new class and spent time with my family and friends. The whole time I was me and much to my surprise people still liked me even when I didn’t fill the silences, even when I wasn’t joking around. Over the past 2 years I have built up my self-confidence. They always tell you it is what on the inside that counts and so that was my focus.

It was successful. I love myself on the inside. I respect myself and I feel comfortable being Becca. The one area that I am still lacking is love for my physical appearance. I am still 10 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby and 15 lbs heavier than my “happy” weight. Beyond that my body is just not the same. There are stretch marks, scars, dimples and discolorations where they once did not exist. I see my hips stretched out and slightly hanging over my size 12 pants and I long for the days of milky white, smooth skin, unmarked by the pull of a pregnant belly. How could I have thought I was fat before? I would die to be my old size 10. Only one size away, but my body was tight, toned and even. No muffin top. No need for spanx or complicated shapers. I have to learn to accept what I cannot change and find the strength to work on the things that I do have power over. I can eat better. I can exercise more. That I can do.

Ladies, I know I am not alone. We give over our whole self, physical appearance included to bring our children into this world. The problem is we usually look at ourselves through the eyes of others. We see our scars with the perception we believe others will have. My goal is to see my body through nobody’s eyes but my own. I will appreciate and honor my health. I will look in the mirror and see the beauty before me. I will praise myself for being strong enough to be a mother. I will dress my body in clothing that will highlight my majesty rather than a bunch of material that will hide me flaws. I will take pride in myself, even if I am wear sweatpants after a long day I will try to radiate the confidence that I feel inside. I hope all of my followers will do the same.

As this journey continues I will keep you all updated. Hopefully this will end up being a love story about how I fell head over heels for myself.

Ready for love?

I am getting that feeling again, though it is different than it has been in the past. That little pang in my chest that signals the desire for human intimacy. It is not lust, desperation or jealousy... just the need for intimate closeness from a person of the opposite sex.

I miss being held. I miss being missed. I miss having a person speak sweetly to me, express love verbally and physically. I dream of it. I dream about having a partner that looks into my eyes and tells me I am beautiful. I can feel their devotion to me and we may kiss, but that is where the dream ends.

My void is that of being in love and having a man in my life that is in love with me.

All of this being said I am still in no hurry. I will not attach myself to someone just to feel needed or loved. I deserve for it to be genuine.

Tinkerbell

If you believe in true love then clap your hands... because sadly I think I may like being alone a little too much. I don't see how a man would ever fit into our lives. It is so hard to explain, but my loss of belief makes me sad...

...the fact that I just do not think my heart has the capability for romantic love anymore.

I love people and I am happy. That is enough for me.

I just do not see myself falling in love again.

Clap if you believe.

Institutionalized

I think I have become the single parent equivalent to "institutionalized". The term used to describe a prisoner or patient that has been in a facility so long that they do not know how to live on the outside. The routines have become so ingrained, so comfortable that they just do not know how to function without them.

So you may be asking how can a woman with so much freedom feel any form of this? Well, I will explain!

Every single parent/only parent knows their routine:

 Wake up
Get child ready
Get self ready
Get child to school/daycare
Get yourself to work
Leave work
Pick up child
Dinner
Household duties
Kids bedtime routine
More household duties
Your bedtime routine

Of course there are a million variations of this routine, this is a basic version of mine. When I stray to far from this schedule I wake up the feel lost or confused. On days with small deviations I tend to forget little things like my lunch in the fridge or my phone on the charger. If I stay up more than a hour past my 9pm bedtime I feel hungover the next day. And what if I decide to go out on a night when my mom and dad take Nugget for the night? Forget it! I have one drink and go to bed at midnight and wake up feeling like I did in college after closing out the bar. Mostly I am just worn out and I feel it more when I stray from my regular path.

This also carries over to my dating/love life. Which as of now is non-existent. I am happy being single, I really am. Honestly, the thought of being in a relationship makes me feel sleepy. I broke up with my most recent ex-BF for a few reasons, but one of them was that he was too needy for me. In his defense overall he wasn't that bad, for other women with less on their plates he will probably be perfect. I just did/do not have the energy to spend the one precious hour of quiet time I have at the end of the day trying to make a man feel special. I know this sounds sad, but it is the truth. I bust my butt all day at work, then work at home, spend emotional quality time with my awesome child (which at the end of a long day can take a lot out of you even if you are having a good time with the little angel... now on a day when they are a little devil, FORGET IT!) do housework and then I have a man telling me that he wants to talk/cuddle/watch a movie/have sex. It is hard to explain, but I just want to sit in silence, maybe watch one of MY tv shows or read.

In other words I am just not in place in my life to have my routine intertwined with another person and their routine. Don't even get me started on co-parenting. After 6 months together I tried to take a baby step towards letting my ex-BF have a little responsibility  with Nugget. Nothing big, just talking to him about stuff in regards to discipline and getting opinions... (he never made any decisions regarding her, just gave opinions). I realized our parenting styles were similar, but still different. I do not negotiate on my parenting style. I can't imagine having to run my decision past another person when it comes to Nugget... I have total control and my system seems to be working beautifully so far, why change?

So ladies and gentleman that is where I am. Set firmly in my ways. Maybe it seems selfish, stubborn or sad, but the thing is I am not sad in the least.I feel like I am finally doing exactly what I want. I research what is best for my little family and go with what feels right. I am not cynical. I believe in love. Someday I hope to find the person who will fit into my routine or who helps me find a new normal. I will never count it out. For now I am comfortable and content.

Valentine's Day 2012

I am my own Valentine. Yes, I could have made it my daughter, friends or family… but I WANT to be my own Valentine. I have chosen to be alone this year. In the past I was single b/c I felt like nobody wanted me or I was dumped or other outside reasons. Not this year. There is no bitterness or jealousy towards my married/coupled friends. I am happy for them; in fact I helped my BFF pick out the shoes she would be wearing to her V-day dinner with her husband. All of the sappy messages, flowers being sent to work, and other such things used to make me angry or sad. I wanted to get flowers and feel special. That is what it was… I wanted to feel special. I was looking for another person to validate me and tell me that I was an amazing person.


This year I already feel special. I have a confidence that I have never had before. My alone time is wonderful. I LOVE having the freedom that comes with being single. I can focus on Nugget and myself without feeling guilty. I do not want to sound cocky, but I could have easily gotten a date or even had a boyfriend on V-Day… truth is most people could find someone. Please remember thought singles that “someone” or “just anybody” is not good enough.
I have fallen in love with myself. There may be bad days, fights and negative things will most likely be said sometime in the future, but I am in this one for the long haul.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

Not Ready

I am writing today's post with a heavy heart. I spent this past weekend doing a lot of soul searching. The stress of everyday life was catching up with me, I just didn't feel like myself. I don't want to say I have been in a downward spiral.. it was more like a slow decline. In my heart I knew what was bothering me, but I ignored it for a while because I desperately wanted it to be something else.

Turns out I am not ready for a serious relationship. I have been with a wonderful man for 8 months. He has been patient, caring and showed me I could indeed trust a man again and fall in love. Yet, I have come to the realization that I can not continue on with our relationship. The thought of being married again, living with someone was just too much for me. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I felt like there were certain things that would wear on us over time. No red flags, but several yellow and a couple orange. He would always be a wonderful man. We might be OK together for years, but I knew over time these concerns of mine would have eaten away at us.

Breaking a person's heart is not an easy thing to do. This was my decision, I was the one to say goodbye... yet my heart was broken as well. It is much harder to walk away from a good guy than it is to be dumped by a jerk. I did it for him, for my daughter and for myself. He deserves to be with a woman the loves him for EVERYTHING he is. One that can put the energy and time into their relationship. Nugget liked BF but she had not grown to be attached to him in a significant way, I knew this would have changed very soon as she is growing so fast and realizing what is going on around her more and more. This was just something that had to be done.

I am now a truly single mom once again. I am at peace with this, though it was a sad parting. My energy is focused on Nugget, my family, my new job and now I have time to also focus on me. Little by little, over time, I will make my life what I want it to be. I will create a safe and secure family for Nugget, even if it is a family of two.

To my most recent love, Thank you. Thank you for bringing back my faith in love and opening my heart. I could not wish a person more happiness in this life.