When I am Feeling Down

Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent can be even harder! There will always be bad days and on those days it is important that you have a plan of attack. Now, there are different kinds of bad days… Bad hair, hard days at work, sad days, fat days, stressful days, and overall just horrible days all around. Here are some things I do when I feel like crap, some of them are better for sad days and others better for days when your child seems to have been possessed by a devil.


• Make a playlist with upbeat happy songs. I prefer the boy bands and bubble gum pop from my high school/middle school days. NSYNC, BSB, Britney and Christina.

• Have a piece of chocolate… or two.

• Go to this website: cakewrecks.com

• Distract yourself by baking yummy dessert and then eat it!

• Hug your child, smell their hair and tell them that you love him/her.

• Take a shower, cry in there is you feel the need. Then put on your PJs.

• Watch Anchorman, Step Brothers or any other Will Ferrell movie.

• 13 going on 30 is another good pick me up movie!

• Take your child to a small local downtown/flea market for some leisurely window shopping.

• Ask a toddler to tell you a story. Any story! Have them make it up, because there is nothing more hilarious than a small child’s imagination.

• Pull out an old scrap book, try to find one that will make you smile (don’t pull out old wedding pictures featuring you and your now X).

• DANCE PARTY! Rock out in the living room.

• Go to this website: cuteoverload.com

• Play a board game or video games

• Memorize a poem

• Go outside and walk.

• Go swimming or set up a sprinkler. Child or not it is just darn fun!

• Call a friend of family member and talk or go to/rent a movie.

• Find a mindless game to play on your phone. I like Bejeweled or Slingo…

• Read or download a good book. I love audiobooks cause I can listen to them while I clean or relax in the bath. There is a cool app for iphone called HOOPLA where you can rent audiobooks/movies and other items through your public library! Just enter your library card number and BAM! Free books with no need to drive to the Library to return them!

• Stretch or do some Yoga.

• Play with your hair and makeup. Go back to your teen/preteen years and experiment a little.

Bad days are just bad days, they do not equal a bad life. Just the same, a hard life is not a bad life. Remember that.

Not Right Now

It is funny how even other mothers don't seem to understand, sometimes even the other single mothers I know seem ignorant to what my life is like. I get asked often about going out or joining friends for dinner and most of the time I turn the invitations down. Why? Because I am a single mother who is tired.

I love my life right now. I am happy. I feel content to work, and come home to my beautiful child. We spend a couple hours together before she heads to bed and I get an hour or two to myself before I also turn in. Our bedtimes are 7:30pm and 9pm (give or take) and we rise at 5:30am.

There is no every other weekend. There is no extra income and very little child support. I do all the laundry, every dish is washed by my hands (and my trusty whirlpool), I wipe every surface, vacuum every carpet, prepare/provide every meal, deal with every tantrum, sing every lullaby and kiss every boo boo.

So... No. I can't go to dinner at 7pm on a Thursday. I am sorry, but I can't stay for the "After party" to drink a few beers. I respectively turn down invites left and right, BUT I do accept a few because I know it is important to be with my friends and I do have fun with them. I appreciate that they think of me and make offers, but I still have to explain why sometimes... why I can't go or stay... Why I can't afford a trip or a concert or sometimes even the movies... It is what it is.

I am still happy. I am very much content to snuggle with my Nugget and watch Yo Gabba Gabba on a Friday night and kiss her forehead as she goes to bed.

Baby #2: An Open Letter

Dear baby #2,


For my whole life I never doubted that I would have at least two children. The bonds I had/have with my siblings are some that I cherish most in my life, especially after going through the last two years. Even after my split I imagined finding a wonderful man to marry and create you with. Then I became at peace with the fact that I may not find another man. Happily I went on with my life, enjoying my beautiful DD and ignoring the thought of you. I told myself I might be able to have another on my own in a few years. For some reason I just couldn't imagine not having you in my life.

Now it is approaching Nugget's 2nd birthday and I am suddenly being realistic about the fact that you are not a guarantee. I need to let you go. I promise I am not ready to give up on you completely, there is still plenty of time for things to sway in your favor, but I need to be at peace with the fact that we may never meet.

I am sorry baby #2. I am lucky to even have you as a future possibility. It doesn't matter if you ever become a reality, I have loved you anyway. In a perfect world I will hold you in my arms, kiss your tiny nose and feel your small finger wrapped around mine. I hope for those moments, but I am tucking the thoughts away for now... I am putting a 2 year hold on all thoughts of you. Again, I am sorry, but your sister deserves all of my love and attention and I can't feel weighed down by the image of you anymore. You are now my butterfly. I am letting you go and if we were meant to be you will find your way to me someday.

Sincerely,
Mommy

Stiff Upper Lip

I have gotten a lot of compliments on how strong I have been. I have also been told I can be a bit harsh when offering support to others. That maybe I should sugar coat things more or be gentler with some of the “broken women” I have been in contact with. You see I am a regular on a couple forums for those going through divorce or starting out as single parents. I hear a variety of stories from mutual separations to dramatic ones much like my own. From bitter battles to civil adult interactions, I have heard them all.

A lot of the other regular posters know me and understand me. They often agree with me or will offer similar if not the same advice. I love those women. At one point they helped to knock sense into me. It is not that we do not think a person doesn’t have the right to a bad day or a grieving period… but at some point you need to pull yourself back up. Push forward and not give into the darkness anymore. Especially when you are a parent, you can’t let it affect your livelihood. Providing for your family is of the upmost importance.

So, when a woman (most of the people on the boards are female) tells me that she is going back to her emotionally abusive X, that her work is suffering, that she has done nothing but cry for days, that she doesn’t have the energy to fight her X for custody/child support, up all night stressing or worse trying to “stick it” to their X by not agreeing to perfectly reasonable requests… well… it bothers me. Ok, some of it bothers me and some of it makes me sad. I want all of the people I speak with to understand that strength is not always automatic. It is a decision you make and work towards. WORK. There is a difference between venting and wallowing in misery. You can’t fool a person who has been through a trauma like mine. I can tell when a person loses control of their grief.

When I give advice, I give advice that has worked. For me or others who have been through a divorce/separation/family court battle and more. It is not that I do have sympathy for you, but sympathy gets you almost nowhere, inner strength and hope on the other hand can move mountains. I will not celebrate the nasty worded email that you sent your X even if it made you feel so much better to “show him how much you don’t need him..” because you just told that man that you still care what he thinks and you gave him evidence that he can show in court about how you are not cooperative or even threatening. When I hear that you have been in bed for a few days I will tell you to get in the shower and call your therapist.

I operate like a trainer or sports coach. We all have the ability to get through our sorrow if we decide to work on our strength. Our hearts are muscles after all. If you do not push yourself it becomes weak, whereas if you fight through the pain you gain power. It is because I care that I do not baby you. Of course I feel for you. I think it is good and necessary to mourn and cry. Emotions are very powerful and healthy as long as you do not get lost in them. Contrary to popular belief “following your heart” can be deadly advice in some cases. I prefer to listen to my heart, trust my gut and ALWAYS use my head.

In a nutshell I built my strength up over time. I worked hard for it. I listened to those who were further along in the grieving process than I was and I used my brain. That is how I got to where I am. I trust myself, love myself, love my life and feel more secure than I ever have. So, my advice may not always be filled with puppies and rainbows, but neither is life.

Organized Choas

This is my life. I have a very set routine with madness intertwined. In the morning it starts at 5:30am. We wake up, eat, get dressed, I primp while Nugget watches Yo Gabba Gabba then we strap on our shoes and head out the door. It sounds simple enough, but really in between each item on the list there is a bit of discord.


• 5:30 wakeup call

    o Nugget jumps up with an obnoxiously cute “Hi mommy!” then screams “Up! Up! Up!” until I get her out of bed. Anyone who knows what a toddler voice sounds like can relate… God love them, it is so high pitched and piercing that despite the cuteness it can make you cringe first thing in the morning.

• Eat

    o This means NUGGET eats and I make her food and clean up her mess. I try to give her oatmeal every weekday. It is healthy and filling while still coming in yummy flavors… BUT the tradeoff is that she WILL get at least a little in her hair, on her face and hands. So, after she is finished I wipe her down then the placemat and seat.

• Get dressed

    o Nugget is learning to dress herself. This is actually entertaining! I love watching her focus so hard on this task. Bless her heart she fails at least once, but never gives up. That’s my girl! The only issue here is that the process takes a long time. However, I want her to be independent and she LOVES doing it herself, so unless we are really behind I let her do her thing.

• Primping and Puppets

    o At this point I put on our crazy, acid trip of a favorite show “Yo Gabba Gabba”. Those crazy characters do the best job of occupying Nugget while I take 10-15mins to fix my bedhead and throw on minimal makeup. During this time it is par for the course that Nug will pull out all of her toys and books and spread them around the living room. I spend the remaining 10ish mins of the episode “helping” her clean things up.

• Shoes and leave

    o For some reason this takes at least 5 mins when it should take less than 1! One of my favorite blogs, Rants from Mommyland, refers to this phenomenon as “Herding Turtles”. It is just a slow process. Nugget gets her shoes out. I put one on and then she pulls her other sock off.. I replace the sock and put the other shoe on. By the time I grab my purse she is asking for juice or a banana or has run off into the living room to dance to imaginary music. I still have to get her in her jacket and out the door…

Remember the days when you could wake up and be out of the house in less than 15 mins if you HAD to? At the most you would need 30 mins to get ready? Well, those days are gone! At times it can be frustrating, even maddening, but it really is worth it. Every time she pulls her pants on by herself I feel warm and fuzzy inside and when I am on the brink of internally freaking because we are running late she hugs me, laughs or does something so cute I forget why I was worried.

The evenings are pretty similar, BUT at least we are not rushing. We can enjoy dancing together or playing a game without worrying about being late. All parents can relate on some level, but the single, working parents I know will feel me on this post! The precious time in the morning is mostly spent trying to stay on schedule so we can spend at least 8 hours apart from our little ones. I am trying not to focus on “the schedule” and focus one “The little person”. I want to enjoy my morning with her instead of feel stressed and behind. Why am I in such a hurry to leave? Oh yeah, I have a job that I NEED to provide for that amazing little person. So, we shuffle through. Nugget is a trooper and a happy child. She helps me stay focused on the big picture, almost as focused as she is on getting her tiny little pants on… one leg at a time.

Response

I wrote a response to a blog post I just read on Single Dad Laughing. It was about sinlge Dads and Moms and I did enjoy it... thoughI found myself a little jealous of those who have a a dedicated father  for their children, even if the are no longer your mate. Anyway, here is my response and a link to the post:

Single Dads (and Single Moms)


I am a single mother who spends her most of her waking hours trying to stay one step ahead. Trying to get everything done in the 3 waking hours I get with my child during the day while also attempting to make this short span "quality time" as well. Making dinner while nuturing my child's creativity. Doing dishes, bathtime and setting out tomorrow's outfits all while kissing boo boos reading stories and calming tantrums.At the end of the day I pat myself on the back. I thank myself for pushing a little bit further and I scold myself for losing my temper from time to time. When a mom/dad has a committed partner/co-parent their relationship with eachother becomes the model for which their children base their future relationships with their mates... As single parents we are molding our child's relationship with themself. They need to see us struggle a little and overcome challenges. Witness how we treat ourselves and the strength and security a person should have on their own. I am a happy single parent. I refer to myself as an "only parent" since my ex is not involved at all. As a happy single parent I am sure that I will find love again someday, but until that day arrives I am content to work my butt off in order to provide all I can for my child. Thanks for the article. I enjoyed reading your take on this.

Institutionalized

I think I have become the single parent equivalent to "institutionalized". The term used to describe a prisoner or patient that has been in a facility so long that they do not know how to live on the outside. The routines have become so ingrained, so comfortable that they just do not know how to function without them.

So you may be asking how can a woman with so much freedom feel any form of this? Well, I will explain!

Every single parent/only parent knows their routine:

 Wake up
Get child ready
Get self ready
Get child to school/daycare
Get yourself to work
Leave work
Pick up child
Dinner
Household duties
Kids bedtime routine
More household duties
Your bedtime routine

Of course there are a million variations of this routine, this is a basic version of mine. When I stray to far from this schedule I wake up the feel lost or confused. On days with small deviations I tend to forget little things like my lunch in the fridge or my phone on the charger. If I stay up more than a hour past my 9pm bedtime I feel hungover the next day. And what if I decide to go out on a night when my mom and dad take Nugget for the night? Forget it! I have one drink and go to bed at midnight and wake up feeling like I did in college after closing out the bar. Mostly I am just worn out and I feel it more when I stray from my regular path.

This also carries over to my dating/love life. Which as of now is non-existent. I am happy being single, I really am. Honestly, the thought of being in a relationship makes me feel sleepy. I broke up with my most recent ex-BF for a few reasons, but one of them was that he was too needy for me. In his defense overall he wasn't that bad, for other women with less on their plates he will probably be perfect. I just did/do not have the energy to spend the one precious hour of quiet time I have at the end of the day trying to make a man feel special. I know this sounds sad, but it is the truth. I bust my butt all day at work, then work at home, spend emotional quality time with my awesome child (which at the end of a long day can take a lot out of you even if you are having a good time with the little angel... now on a day when they are a little devil, FORGET IT!) do housework and then I have a man telling me that he wants to talk/cuddle/watch a movie/have sex. It is hard to explain, but I just want to sit in silence, maybe watch one of MY tv shows or read.

In other words I am just not in place in my life to have my routine intertwined with another person and their routine. Don't even get me started on co-parenting. After 6 months together I tried to take a baby step towards letting my ex-BF have a little responsibility  with Nugget. Nothing big, just talking to him about stuff in regards to discipline and getting opinions... (he never made any decisions regarding her, just gave opinions). I realized our parenting styles were similar, but still different. I do not negotiate on my parenting style. I can't imagine having to run my decision past another person when it comes to Nugget... I have total control and my system seems to be working beautifully so far, why change?

So ladies and gentleman that is where I am. Set firmly in my ways. Maybe it seems selfish, stubborn or sad, but the thing is I am not sad in the least.I feel like I am finally doing exactly what I want. I research what is best for my little family and go with what feels right. I am not cynical. I believe in love. Someday I hope to find the person who will fit into my routine or who helps me find a new normal. I will never count it out. For now I am comfortable and content.

Single Parent Situation: Sick baby/child

This past week I got into a situation that all single parents dread… My child got sick. Not just a cold, but a mucus filled, coughing, crying, feverish haze of misery. You know? When your child wants to do nothing except lay in your lap and watch Yo Gabba Gabba (or your toddler show of choice)? That was my life for a week. Nugget was diagnosed with RSV. Of course this means no daycare, and in turn that mommy needs to figure out how to care for a child 24/7 when she only has 10 hours of sick time at work and she can’t afford to take unpaid time…

Other single parents (especially “Only parents”) can relate. You want nothing more than to be there for your little trooper, but duty calls. You are the person in charge of paying the bills and without the job you don’t have insurance. My particular problem comes from the fact that I have only been at my new job for two months, so I do not have a lot of sick time yet. By the time cold season comes around again this situation will not be a problem.

Thank the lord for my mom, my sister and my foster sister. They really helped me out a lot last week when I couldn’t be at home. The first night Nugget had a bad fever and slept in bed with me. I set my alarm to go off every 4 hours so I could administer Tylenol and Benadryl (the only meds my doc said I could give her at the time). Not only did she snore, but she insisted on sleeping ON me. We were cheek to cheek for hours. That Nugget was so hot and snotty, I can’t say it was a pleasurable experience. I couldn’t sleep, not just because she was on my face snoring, but because I was paranoid she would choke on her mucus. Hey you can laugh, but it can happen!

If you read the above paragraph you can probably put one and one together and figure out that within 24 hours of Nugget getting sick, I too was infected. Being an adult made it a bit easier to tolerate. I took some Dayquil and sucked a cough drop to get through work the first day. By day 2 I had to give in and use my one sick day. I work in a hospital and it was just not safe for me to come in the way I was. My mom had to keep Nugget because I was down for the count. I slept for most of the day and sipped tea. The next morning I felt 80% better and my doctor said it was ok to go to work (I would wear a mask just around patients just to be safe and wash my hands every 2 mins). I was at my desk all day and was liberal with the Lysol.

Long story short: Nugget got sick, then I got sick, then I got better, then Nugget got better and today we are both still slightly congested, but in a much better mood.

Thank you again to all who helped out during this plague! We are very lucky to have you all!

Stay tuned later this week to hear about our upcoming move… Back to our condo!

Random thoughts

Some people are just dumb. I mean that. Today's society has far too many individuals who do not take the proper time to think BEFORE they speak. I would like to share some comments and questions that have come my way far too many times over the past roughly 2 years.

1) "So, did you know that your (ex)husband was involved in any of this?" Umm NO! Who in their right mind would have been living with a known pedophile? Who would just ignore those kind of red flags like that? While I am more than sure it has happened, I highly doubt those people would willing just say "Yeah I knew. Just waiting for the police to catch up!"

I knew nothing. I was one of his victims, though I was a victim in a very different sense. IF I had known I would also be in jail/prison as an accessory and PS.... would you really be talking to me if you TRULY thought I had known about any of this and remained with the man?

2) "Wow, you are lucky she looks just like you!" While in a way I am glad for my daughter that she looks like me, which may make things slightly easier for her, maybe... I would not love her any less if she looked like my X. I would never take any negative feelings I have towards him and place them on her, even if she was his twin. She is Nugget. She is beautiful. Having a mini-me is fun to joke about, but I want her to be herself always.

3) This is a comment I get more than I would have ever thought as a single mom, and it usually comes from people who are pretty much strangers! "So... Where is her father?" or "Is the father involved?" or "So why are you divorced?" People, these questions are just not appropriate. You are not my close friend, a family member or my lawyer... so you have no good reason to ask this question. I would never walk up to a mom in the park and ask her at what age she lost her virginity? It is a very personal question! The fact that you bring up those questions while in the presence of Nugget makes me want to throat pinch you!

4) "Do you want more kids someday? Get married again?" Yes, actually I would love nothing more than to find a wonderful partner and have another child. It hurts to think that Nugget may be an only child. I would love to hold my own newborn baby in my arms again. To have a wonderful and deserving man by my side this time. The truth is that it may not be in the cards and I am not going to snap my fingers and make Mr. Right appear. I refuse to settle, because Nugget and I deserve the best and I know there are amazing men out there. If I am lucky I will be destined to fall in love with one. Until that happens I am focused on my family. You bet your sweet ass that Nugget and I are a family. Just the two of us and we are doing quite well.