Monday, April 23, 2012

Baby #2: An Open Letter

Dear baby #2,

For my whole life I never doubted that I would have at least two children. The bonds I had/have with my siblings are some that I cherish most in my life, especially after going through the last two years. Even after my split I imagined finding a wonderful man to marry and create you with. Then I became at peace with the fact that I may not find another man. Happily I went on with my life, enjoying my beautiful DD and ignoring the thought of you. I told myself I might be able to have another on my own in a few years. For some reason I just couldn't imagine not having you in my life.

Now it is approaching Nugget's 2nd birthday and I am suddenly being realistic about the fact that you are not a guarantee. I need to let you go. I promise I am not ready to give up on you completely, there is still plenty of time for things to sway in your favor, but I need to be at peace with the fact that we may never meet.

I am sorry baby #2. I am lucky to even have you as a future possibility. It doesn't matter if you ever become a reality, I have loved you anyway. In a perfect world I will hold you in my arms, kiss your tiny nose and feel your small finger wrapped around mine. I hope for those moments, but I am tucking the thoughts away for now... I am putting a 2 year hold on all thoughts of you. Again, I am sorry, but your sister deserves all of my love and attention and I can't feel weighed down by the image of you anymore. You are now my butterfly. I am letting you go and if we were meant to be you will find your way to me someday.



K said...

Oh girl. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have also come to terms with the fact that Girlie may just be it. It is a hard reality.

Anonymous said...

Omg, I totally know this feeling! I struggled with this after my 21 month old son and I moved out of my husband's house 2 1/2 months ago. Then three weeks later, I found out my baby #2 was already on it's way! Even though it scares the crap outta me doing this alone, I am comforted by the fact that my son will not be an only child, or feel isolated when staying w/ his father and his girlfriend's 2 kids. In spite of all the betrayal and abuse, I will always be gratefully to my husband for my baby #2.