Monday, March 19, 2012


I think I have become the single parent equivalent to "institutionalized". The term used to describe a prisoner or patient that has been in a facility so long that they do not know how to live on the outside. The routines have become so ingrained, so comfortable that they just do not know how to function without them.

So you may be asking how can a woman with so much freedom feel any form of this? Well, I will explain!

Every single parent/only parent knows their routine:

 Wake up
Get child ready
Get self ready
Get child to school/daycare
Get yourself to work
Leave work
Pick up child
Household duties
Kids bedtime routine
More household duties
Your bedtime routine

Of course there are a million variations of this routine, this is a basic version of mine. When I stray to far from this schedule I wake up the feel lost or confused. On days with small deviations I tend to forget little things like my lunch in the fridge or my phone on the charger. If I stay up more than a hour past my 9pm bedtime I feel hungover the next day. And what if I decide to go out on a night when my mom and dad take Nugget for the night? Forget it! I have one drink and go to bed at midnight and wake up feeling like I did in college after closing out the bar. Mostly I am just worn out and I feel it more when I stray from my regular path.

This also carries over to my dating/love life. Which as of now is non-existent. I am happy being single, I really am. Honestly, the thought of being in a relationship makes me feel sleepy. I broke up with my most recent ex-BF for a few reasons, but one of them was that he was too needy for me. In his defense overall he wasn't that bad, for other women with less on their plates he will probably be perfect. I just did/do not have the energy to spend the one precious hour of quiet time I have at the end of the day trying to make a man feel special. I know this sounds sad, but it is the truth. I bust my butt all day at work, then work at home, spend emotional quality time with my awesome child (which at the end of a long day can take a lot out of you even if you are having a good time with the little angel... now on a day when they are a little devil, FORGET IT!) do housework and then I have a man telling me that he wants to talk/cuddle/watch a movie/have sex. It is hard to explain, but I just want to sit in silence, maybe watch one of MY tv shows or read.

In other words I am just not in place in my life to have my routine intertwined with another person and their routine. Don't even get me started on co-parenting. After 6 months together I tried to take a baby step towards letting my ex-BF have a little responsibility  with Nugget. Nothing big, just talking to him about stuff in regards to discipline and getting opinions... (he never made any decisions regarding her, just gave opinions). I realized our parenting styles were similar, but still different. I do not negotiate on my parenting style. I can't imagine having to run my decision past another person when it comes to Nugget... I have total control and my system seems to be working beautifully so far, why change?

So ladies and gentleman that is where I am. Set firmly in my ways. Maybe it seems selfish, stubborn or sad, but the thing is I am not sad in the least.I feel like I am finally doing exactly what I want. I research what is best for my little family and go with what feels right. I am not cynical. I believe in love. Someday I hope to find the person who will fit into my routine or who helps me find a new normal. I will never count it out. For now I am comfortable and content.

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