Advice from Becca - 20 random tips

I can only offer advice. Take it or leave it. What works for me may not work for others.

With all of that out of the way here is some advice I have accumulated over the years. Some is serious, some is humorous... take it or leave it people! :)

1. Live by the RULE, not the EXCEPTION. - True story: I personally knew a man who survived a car crash only because he was not wearing a seat belt. I still wear my seat belt every single time I am in the car. This is my number one rule in life. A married man will most likely not leave his wife... if you smoke your health will most likely suffer... a pedophile will most likely NEVER be safe around children.
2. If you have a small child you may as well put a small chair in your bathroom because they will need somewhere to sit while you use the toilet. They are going to want o be in there, like it or not!
3. If your child is anything like Nugget here is some mealtime advice. Put anything you want your child to eat on YOUR plate first and pretend to give them your food. Make sure the child sees you "sharing". This does two things. 1) It is a good example of sharing. 2) It keeps your real food safe from the little vultures.
4. Single Parents are especially in danger of being deprived of adult interaction. Sign up for a community art class, sports team, mommy group.. anything that gives you the opportunity to talk to someone who can wipe their own butt.
5. Dating is not a good way to make friends. I hear a lot of single parents say they are lonely and crave some adult conversation so they join an online dating service... if you are lonely and feeling a little gloomy dating may not be the best idea. You are more likely to get into a bad or pointless relationship.
6. When making pasta take some advice from Coco Chanel... take out the amount of noodles you THINK you need and then take some away.
7.  Tell the people you love how you feel. Even if they can't say it back... there can never be too much love inthe world.
8. Never try change who you really are for a man/woman. A person can inspire change, but they should never demand it and you should never force it.
9. Take a vacation, every single year! Go far away, stay home, two weeks or a long weekend... doesn't really matter! Just take the time to relax and do something fun.
10. There is no shame in asking for help.
11. Keep an old pair of jeans, pair of shorts, a tshirt, old sneakers and a sweatshirt in your car. For you and your little one. Can't tell you how many times I have used these emergency items.
12. Wash your car. Sounds simple, but it is good for your car and it is one chore a child LOVES to be involved in. Whether you go to a car wash or do it youself they love it.
13. Let your child see you having fun. I remember watching my parents play softball, going to movies with them and watching them play games with family and friends. It is important that a child sees you having a good time. The more memories they have of you smiling and laughing, the better. You don't want them to only remember you sitting on the sidelines, or stressing over money.
14. On the same note... make sure your child sees you being a good sport. Don't be a sore loser. Nugget comes to my soccer games, and she will not see me cursing at people or getting into petty arguments. She will see me supporting my team and trying my hardest.
15. Get certified in Basic Life Saving.
16. Don't make your child your whole life. Hear me out! My child is my life in many ways, she is my heart, my truest love and the person I put above all others... a parent can't change how they feel, that is set in stone... BUT I do have my own activities. I say no to her. I do not put all of my hopes and dreams on her shoulders. I want the best for her, but I want to prepare her to be her best on her own. This means I owe it to her to be my best. I have to do that on my own. Make sense? Well. at least I know what I am trying to say! Lead your child by example.
17. Have a tool box. You would be surprised how many houses do not have proper, basic tools.
18. Own at least a few pairs of cute underwear/panties/bras. It is easy to fall into the "Hanes habit". Hanes are great, I am not a hater ,but there is just something about wearing sexy under things... It helps give you an extra boost of confidence.
19. Along the same lines: Have at least 3 go to outfits: One cool weather casual, one warm weather casual and then a date night/girls night outfit. Be prepared to look good without having to panic.
20. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. Don't rush it. Don't force it. Don't shut it out. Don't let it blind you.  It is easy to get swept away, but you will be much happier and safer if you stear your vessel with a clear head.

When I am Feeling Down

Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent can be even harder! There will always be bad days and on those days it is important that you have a plan of attack. Now, there are different kinds of bad days… Bad hair, hard days at work, sad days, fat days, stressful days, and overall just horrible days all around. Here are some things I do when I feel like crap, some of them are better for sad days and others better for days when your child seems to have been possessed by a devil.


• Make a playlist with upbeat happy songs. I prefer the boy bands and bubble gum pop from my high school/middle school days. NSYNC, BSB, Britney and Christina.

• Have a piece of chocolate… or two.

• Go to this website: cakewrecks.com

• Distract yourself by baking yummy dessert and then eat it!

• Hug your child, smell their hair and tell them that you love him/her.

• Take a shower, cry in there is you feel the need. Then put on your PJs.

• Watch Anchorman, Step Brothers or any other Will Ferrell movie.

• 13 going on 30 is another good pick me up movie!

• Take your child to a small local downtown/flea market for some leisurely window shopping.

• Ask a toddler to tell you a story. Any story! Have them make it up, because there is nothing more hilarious than a small child’s imagination.

• Pull out an old scrap book, try to find one that will make you smile (don’t pull out old wedding pictures featuring you and your now X).

• DANCE PARTY! Rock out in the living room.

• Go to this website: cuteoverload.com

• Play a board game or video games

• Memorize a poem

• Go outside and walk.

• Go swimming or set up a sprinkler. Child or not it is just darn fun!

• Call a friend of family member and talk or go to/rent a movie.

• Find a mindless game to play on your phone. I like Bejeweled or Slingo…

• Read or download a good book. I love audiobooks cause I can listen to them while I clean or relax in the bath. There is a cool app for iphone called HOOPLA where you can rent audiobooks/movies and other items through your public library! Just enter your library card number and BAM! Free books with no need to drive to the Library to return them!

• Stretch or do some Yoga.

• Play with your hair and makeup. Go back to your teen/preteen years and experiment a little.

Bad days are just bad days, they do not equal a bad life. Just the same, a hard life is not a bad life. Remember that.

30 before 30

Today I turn 29. That magical number that a large group of women use as the last stop in the aging process and my last year as a twenty-something… I feel pretty neutral about it. Maybe because for about a year I was in a fog, I feel younger than my age. Not in the sense that I feel immature or don’t want to get older, I just feel like I am still stuck at 26. I am hoping that changes over the next year. By this time next year I want to FEEL 30. I want to embrace my age and move forward. In this spirit I am going to initiate a project. Starting today I am going to try to get 30 things accomplished before I turn 30. Below I will make a list, by May 7th, 2014 I want to check at least 30 things off the list. I want to accumulate experiences.




1. Run a 5k

2. Eat only organic/unprocessed for at least 1 week

3. Take a new class at the community center

4. Make something my daughter can keep forever

5. Go on a date

6. Volunteer in the community

7. Apply for a dream job, even if I am not completely qualified

8. See a professional ballet performance

9. Get in the best shape of my life

10. Buy a new car

11. Give myself a makeover and try a more standout lip color

12. Try to get something published (a short story, article or poem… maybe a Lifetime original script ;) )

13. Have a savings account with at least $1500 in it

14. Sell a painting

15. Record a song, even if is just for me to see/hear

16. Adopt a pet

17. Get a tattoo

18. Have my first mammogram

19. See a dermatologist and have my freckles checked

20. Print out my pictures and make a family photo album for Nugget and I

21. Go one day without spending any money, maybe two

22. Visit Disney or other major theme park

23. Try to be an extra in a film

24. Audition for something

25. Take Nugget to her first baseball game

26. Buy myself good piece of jewelry

27. Make myself a piece of jewelry

28. Write letters, by hand, to friends that have moved far away

29. Make a music video with my Daughter

30. Learn to drive a stick shift

31. Learn a foreign language, enough to have a simple conversation

Any other ideas? I like having choices!

Cooking for 2 or 3

I have fallen into a rut! I used to cook at home at least 4 nights a week, Fridays were always dinners out or pizza and then I ate at my parent's house a couple night a week.

Lately I have been eating out WAY too much and it is showing in my monthly finances. So, I am making a few changes starting with meal planning. This week my brother and I are getting the grill involved! He grilled us some steaks last night and I made 2 veggies to go with the meat. Nugget helped me pick some fresh sage yesterday and we will be using it to make some delicious pork tomorrow night and Thursday I am planning on making a grilled chicken to go with some yummy salads.

BAM! We are back in action! Maybe the sunshine is helping with my motivation :)

For all you sinlge parents and parents in general I suggest you invest in some fresh herbs. You can buy them pre-planted at most stores with flowers/plants or you can grow them from seeds. I have two big potters out on my small cement patio with sage, rosemary, oregano and basil. Meals are so much easier and better tasting. take any meat add EVOO or butter, herbs and a little lemon or other acid and you are good to go!

• Pork, butter, lemon sage
• Cilantro, lime, EVOO (or veggie oil)
• Basil, tomato, balsamic

I could go on! It is summer, get the grill going and enjoy!



  

Still not dating.

On some days I wish I could find my most recent ex-boyfriend, the only man I have dated since my divorce, and show him that I meant what I said the day I broke up with him. I really wasn’t ready. I REALLY just wanted to have time to be independent. There was nobody else and he did nothing wrong. I was just not the right girl for him and it was not the right time for me to be with anyone.


Almost a year and a half later he still comes to my mind, because I know I really hurt him. Being dumped with no real clear explanation only makes you analyze yourself and most likely it is not in a good way.

I am still not dating. I still have very little desire to do so. I do get hungry for affection, but it passes quickly. There is nothing wrong with this, and that is what I keep telling myself. Many of my single mom friends are getting married again or are in serious relationships… it makes me think about myself and where I am in regards to love/relationships/men… I still stand by my previous statements, that dating just sounds exhausting. So another day will pass and I will focus on my responsibilities and my wonderful child. I will wait. I am not waiting for a prince to save me, a sign to communicate to me or anything else magical. I am just waiting for myself, all of myself to be ready. Love, a forever kind of love, it is just too important to rush into before I am whole again.

It is not easy.

I get asked quite often by women and men alike how hard it is to be a single parent. Most of the time they are in a bad relationship or are in a rough patch in their marriage… They want to hear one of two things;

1) It is much easier than people make it out to be! I mean really, anyone could do it!
2) It is soooo hard. Don't do it! Stay with your partner no matter what!

Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble, but it just is not that simple. Unless I believe someone is in danger I will never tell someone to leave a relationship. It is not my call. I am more than willing to listen and offer my experience, but my life is not the norm.

My experience being a single parent has been hard. I have less free time than my mommy friends. I have less money for entertainment. My energy level is usually pretty low and of course I am tethered to my child more than a person with a co-parent. All of this may make people think I hate being a single parent, I don’t. It is hard. Some days it is VERY hard. This is why I would never flat out recommend taking this route unless you have tried every possible path to recover your relationship or if you and/or your child are in danger.

I love my child and I like my life. It has been a lot of hard work and will continue to be.

Not so Natural Disaster.

While walking through the halls at work this morning I had a random thought enter my mind. It was inspired by an episode of Mad Men… they were discussing a company called London Fog, and then there it was. The realization of what it is really like to go through something awful, what truly happens to a person emotionally at the point impact. Of course it is common for a person to say they were “in a fog”, so common in fact that I do not think it registers what that means. I can only speak for myself and others who have shared their own experiences with me, but I find every little insight can be helpful.

From the moment I opened the door to the police on that day almost three years ago till about March, 2011, I was in the fog. This fog is like that that follows a terrible storm, the smoke and smog that follows a meltdown or explosion and surrounds you with a terrifying quickness. The image that sticks in my mind is after the Twin Towers fell and the dust and rubble surrounded all those nearby… or maybe a tsunami... When I opened the door to see the crew of police it was like that 2-3 seconds before the cloud hits you. You see it coming, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Then you are trapped. You are almost blind. You can’t breathe.

It is so easy to be lost. There are those who give up and live the rest of their lives in the cloud, or those who try so hard to get out, but are just unable to. Then there are those who get out and find the sun again. I was one of the lucky ones who can say I feel the rays on my face again. It was a lot of hard work, but some of it was luck also. So, now I get to my advice:

• Don’t panic. Never make a move without thinking it through! If you were really in a fog or tsunami, every move would count. You would not want to go running and flailing through the unknown. It is dangerous and a waste of energy. There are hazards in tragedy as well. You have lost your sight in the fog, so use your other senses. Before you say yes or sign any paperwork, read it of have it read by an attorney/trusted neutral party. It is more than ok to grieve. It is not ok to take your pain out on others or yourself.

• Don’t ignore. You can’t pretend that everything is fine. Of course your personal tragedy should not be the only thing you ever talk about, and you shouldn’t spill your guts to everyone you meet, and remember to keep professional at work. However, if you are constantly pretending that everything is fine and it will fix itself, you stand to lose a lot. Especially when it comes to financial and legal manners you need to get your ducks in a row.

• Move forward. I have said it before, I am saying it again. Push yourself daily. At first it may be a battle just to get out of bed, take a shower, get out of the house. Set yourself small goals and push yourself forward. Standing still for too long will bury you in the debris and going backwards will put you into the burning embers.

• Protect yourself. Get a lawyer, a therapist or other professional that fits your particular situation. Stitch up your wounds, care for yourself and prepare for aftershocks and future battles.

• Keep your cool. Aside from panic there is also anger and overreaction. Do not let this take over. Saying things you do not mean (or even things you DO mean) to the wrong person can be bad for you. Posting your anger online could be giving someone else ammunition. In a divorce/custody situation the other party may fight to keep you in the darkness and the brink of self-destruction. Don’t help them. It will also surprise you how clear your head can be when it is not tied up with anger/vengeance. You will be able to navigate and feel your way through the fog better, I promise.

• Rebuild. When you find yourself in the clear or close to it, make sure you begin to rebuild your life. Make sure you build a stronger fortification than the first time… but for every reinforced and armored wall you put up remember to place a door… the object is to be smarter not to cut yourself completely off.