Up and down

Grandpa's condition is a bunch of UPs and DOWNs.
UP: My Grandpa was lucid enough to watch part of the OSU basketball game on TV.
DOWN: He get pneumonia on top of everything else.
UP: He gets moved to a less restrictive floor.
DOWN: Moved back to a intensive care floor the next day.
UP: His fever goes down.
UP: He talked to my dad on the phone.
DOWN: My Aunt gets called into the hospital at 4am because my Grandpa is so confused and upset. He thinks he is running late for a party and needs a ride...

Besides my Grandfather's illness thing have been pretty good.

I am loving my new job. I get an all expenses paid trip to Florida! Yes, I have to attend a research meeting for most of the time I am there, but getting 3 hours of free time a day to be by the ocean, hang out with long distance friends or just sit in quiet will be great. AND I get to sleep uninterrupted until 7am!!

For those who do not have small children, or who children are great sleepers OR have a great co-parent who takes a night shift off your hands every now and then... let me explain this to you. It is equal to being a teenager who gets to sleep in till 1pm in the afternoon.

I am going to try my best to keep updating here at least once a week. So thank you all for hanging in there with me!

Grandfather

It has been a really hard week for me. My grandfather (paternal) is in the hospital and it looks like it may be his time. He is not only my last living grandparent, he is also probably my favorite, or at least the one I was closest too. We have lived within 15 mins of each other my whole life. We spent most holidays together and time in-between.
It has only been in the last few years that we really have gotten close. His generosity and kindness has been overwhelming. When I was struggling he was there to support me and Nugget. The truth is he single handedly kept me from having to file bankruptcy. I was able to pay him back financially (at least what he would LET me pay back since he thought of it as a gift) but I don't know if I could ever pay him back for the security, relief of stress and love that he has sent my way.

So, as he lies in a hospital bed asking for Jesus, I sit here praying that he have a safe and gentle passage. That those who went before him (My Grandma, his parents) are there to watch over him and welcome him when he does let go or this world. I am not deeply religious, but I do believe that the spirit lives on in a place of peace. I was able to be by his side yesterday and say all I needed to say to him. For a while I thought I might miss my chance because he was going downhill so quickly. After letting him know how much I appreciated him and loved him I called Nugget, who was staying with my BFF and had her talk to him over the phone. I NEEDED him to know how much he meant to us and how his actions kept my little family afloat. To him it was nothing, no big deal… To us it was everything.
If there is one thing my Grandfather has shown me it is what a real man is. He helped mold my father into a real man as well. Always there for their family. Always fair. Always loving even in conflict. Never a violent or evil thought. He stayed loyal… and the most admirable part? He didn't have to. He had no obligation. He met my grandmother when she was twice divorced, out of a abusive relationship and the mother of two children. Together they made a new family.


Biologically I have not one drop of his blood running through my veins, but I have always know that I have had all of his heart.

Not Ready

I am writing today's post with a heavy heart. I spent this past weekend doing a lot of soul searching. The stress of everyday life was catching up with me, I just didn't feel like myself. I don't want to say I have been in a downward spiral.. it was more like a slow decline. In my heart I knew what was bothering me, but I ignored it for a while because I desperately wanted it to be something else.

Turns out I am not ready for a serious relationship. I have been with a wonderful man for 8 months. He has been patient, caring and showed me I could indeed trust a man again and fall in love. Yet, I have come to the realization that I can not continue on with our relationship. The thought of being married again, living with someone was just too much for me. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I felt like there were certain things that would wear on us over time. No red flags, but several yellow and a couple orange. He would always be a wonderful man. We might be OK together for years, but I knew over time these concerns of mine would have eaten away at us.

Breaking a person's heart is not an easy thing to do. This was my decision, I was the one to say goodbye... yet my heart was broken as well. It is much harder to walk away from a good guy than it is to be dumped by a jerk. I did it for him, for my daughter and for myself. He deserves to be with a woman the loves him for EVERYTHING he is. One that can put the energy and time into their relationship. Nugget liked BF but she had not grown to be attached to him in a significant way, I knew this would have changed very soon as she is growing so fast and realizing what is going on around her more and more. This was just something that had to be done.

I am now a truly single mom once again. I am at peace with this, though it was a sad parting. My energy is focused on Nugget, my family, my new job and now I have time to also focus on me. Little by little, over time, I will make my life what I want it to be. I will create a safe and secure family for Nugget, even if it is a family of two.

To my most recent love, Thank you. Thank you for bringing back my faith in love and opening my heart. I could not wish a person more happiness in this life.

A day off

I have the day off today and decided to enjoy it with my BFF and Nugget. I am still recovering from a migraine I had yesterday, so we are just staying in at BFF's house.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I went in to get a massage and as soon as I stood up from the table I was hit with a horrible headache. Those of you who have had massages have probably been told that this can happen since massage can release a lot of toxins into your system. I drank water before and after, but this headache hit hard. By the time I got home it was a full blown migraine and I was bed ridden. My parents had to take over with Nugget. All I could do is take medicine and lay there in pain.

There is nothing more humbling than incapacitated. As a single parent I thank the lord every day for my support system. How could I have gotten through yesterday or any other like it without them? I know there are a lot of single parents/military parents who do this... I tip my hat to you. I wanted to spend the day with my daughter, but instead I felt like I could barely open my eyes let alone chase a toddler.

My parents have been there since day one. My mom was in the delivery room with me when I had my c-section, my dad and my sister were in the waiting room outside. they have helped me with diapers, pick-ups and drop offs and everything in between. I tell them all the time, but I hope they really understand how much I appreciate them.

Busy Bee Becca

My new job has been keeping me pretty busy, which is a good thing in a lot of ways! Unfortunately this has put a wrench in my blogging, but don't worry I am not giving up on this. I may only be able to post once a week though.
Life is going pretty well for the most part. I am settling a lot of the debt I accumulated over the course of my divorce. I will be able to pay off my lawyer and one of my credit cards. This will make the month to month much more manageable budget wise. Things are getting better with every month that passes.

I am going to have to travel for work soon, but I am finding myself really excited! I will miss Nugget and it will be the longest, by far that I have been away from her... but she will be with my parents and I know they will take amazing care of her and she will have a great time. I seriously miss her already. Being a parent has it's ups and downs. The one thing I am looking forward to is uninterrupted sleep. I am sure it will benefit both Nugget and I.

So... I wish there was more for you all right now... but I really have not had time for anything eventful since the Holidays!

Working hard and hardly blogging

I started my new job this week so I have not had a lot of time for blogging or other leisure activities! I am sorry, but I promise that sometime this weekend I will write a decent update!