WEDDING WEEK!!

I am getting married this week! I should say WE are getting married, since this is just as much about growing our family as it is me marrying my wonderful fiance.

Nugget is so excited. It is all she talks about. She keeps saying she is so happy to be in Mommy and Daddy's wedding. I am so thankful she loves him and he loves her. It is like a dream how great they are together.

Another piece of proof that if you take the time to get yourself together you will always be happy. Because whether I was getting married or not I would be happy, now I just get to share that happiness :)

Letter from Prison: OUR Daughter

Last week I received another letter from my X. This comes on the verge of me remarrying. When Nugget and I are happily adding a worthy man to our family. A man I wish would be able to adopt Nugget and legal be her father. How ironic it is to magically get a letter from him now.

This letter was much shorter than the rest. In it he says my name several times. "Becca, I want this...." and "I am not asking much Becca..."

I know he is doing this as a psychological tactic, I also know he knows about my upcoming marriage. I am not surprised since his parents do visit and they know. He is feeling even more loss of control.

The one thing this letter makes very clear is that he will never leave us alone. He says Caroline is "OUR" daughter and repeats it.

I have news for him... she is not his daughter. She is a product of his DNA, but she is not his daughter. She never will be. She has a wonderful man in her life now that loves her the way a daddy should love his daughter and she loves him back. She begs to stay up till her daddy gets home so she can give him a hug before she sleeps. She asks me to send him videos of her telling him: "Good morning daddy! I love you sooo much!"

This family consists of Becca, Bobby and Nugget. Mommy, Daddy and Daughter.

Our Daughter.

No room and no love for X.

Fighting the fight!

R. Kelly was going to be headlining a music festival here in Columbus, OH. A friend of mine alerted me through facebook and lead a campaign of local residents AGAINST bringing him here to perform. The man is a sexual predator, whether he has been convicted YET or not, the trail of lawsuits do not lie. He has been cited as a child predator by SEVERAL young girls 12-17 yrs of age who were claim they were exploited and preyed upon by the singer. Reference this article for more info: Village Voice

Anyway! After reading some replies stating that R. Kelly may be evil, but "He puts on a good show!" or "He can really perform!" I had to say something. So, I responded with the following:

• "It's actually very common for sexual predators to put on a good show. That is how they lure their victims."

This was quoted in several articles written after Kelly was removed from the festival lineup. Thank you COLUMBUS for standing up for what is right! 

I love my town. I am glad I was able to help the effort. 

USA Today Article

madamenoire

Billboard

Friends First

I have truly been blessed when it comes to my relationship with my FI. Our long history as friends made so many things, so much easier. The trust between us is amazing. I have never felt so entirely sure of any man I have been with, EVER. I thought I trusted a few boyfriends before, but I was wrong! I trust him to take care of me and Nugget when I need help. I trust his heart not to stray. I trust him to grow with me and not away from me. I trust him to be honest even if it is hard.

It is so great. I can't wait to marry this man.

Daddy

Since my Fiance (FI) moved in about a month ago we have left it to Nugget to decide what to call him and how fast their bond/relationship would grow. FI has been in Nugget's life since she was born, he has never been a stranger and slowly over the last 7 months (Nugget was not introduced to FI as my boyfriend the first few months of our relationship, until we were serious and committed) their relationship has grown naturally.

There was never moment where we forced her to interact. When FI proposed he ask Nugget if he could join our family. Nugget has not stopped talking about our wedding ever since. Over the past couple weeks the word "Daddy" has been used by her randomly and last week it seems to have become permanent. On Father's Day this year she greeted FI at the bottom of the steps, present in hand and excitedly yelled:

"Happy Daddy's Day! I love you sooo much!"

It was a wonderful moment for all of us. The smile on her face and the expression of pure happiness on her face showed me again that I made the best decision for our family by loving this man and bringing him into our crazy life.

Happy Father's Day had a new meaning this year, and it was amazing.

Mourning My Single Mom Life

This past weekend my fiance moved in with Nugget and I. Words cannot describe how happy this makes me. It is nice to have him close and to not have to worry about little things like travel time between houses or doing everything around my house all by myself and of course just being able to get a kiss before and after work!

That being said this post is about the “loss” of my former life. Moving forward is always a mix of emotions. No matter how hard the past was, there is always a piece of it that made you happy and that you will look back on fondly. For me and Nugget our life together as a family of two is over. This makes me sad. We have accomplished so much together and against all odds we were very happy. She learned to walk, talk, laugh, and everything that has made her the amazing girl she is today. As for me, in the last 4 years I have grown as well. I passed my certification test, found a better job, was able to keep my home and became more confident in myself. We did all of that together, as a team… a team of two. Now FI (fiance) has joined our ranks. Like I said before I am beyond joyful to have him, but I will mourn the loss of my old life.

It is scary to move forward sometimes, sometimes it is exciting and sometimes both. It is OK to be a little sad to leave that all behind. I am proud of myself and my daughter for getting through the most stressful time in my life. Now looking back I can truly appreciate how hard it was, how much we overcame and how thankful I am to grow our family. 

More FAQs

I know I have done a post similar to this before, I think the last one was done out of frustration... this one is hopefully more helpful. The following are Frequently Asked Questions:

1) How do you stay so positive?

•     It is the easiest and hardest thing is the world. Make the decision to be happy, easy! Work hard to make it happen... this can be hard depending on the day. On bad days I remind myself that worse has happened and I got through it. Focus on the good and lean into it.

2) How can you remain calm when your X says stuff to get a rise out of you?

• This becomes much easier when you realize that he/she has no power over you.  If you get visibly upset or drop to their level then they win. I get mad. I am not always cool, but I express in in private moments when I am safe to "lose control". I actually get joy out of seeing a mean, manipulative person scrambling and throwing out low blows because it means they are desperate and scared. Let them be scared, let them stew in their feeling of powerlessness. Keep the angry texts, emails and document verbal assaults. When you stand in front of a judge your X will have done nothing but help your case with his/her own angry words.

3) When does it get easier?

• Emotionally? I can't pinpoint an exact time. This is different for everyone. Though if I think about it... every day gets a little easier. If you stay focused on the important things and work through any sadness and anger your road will be easier. The longer you hold on to negative feelings the longer it will take. You have all heard of emotional baggage? Well, imagine all of your negative emotions as baggage. It is much easier to get from point A to point B with only a carry on or even 1 full size roller bag then it is to get there with a full matching set of suitcases!

 vs 

• Day to day stuff, like running a single parent household, gets easier much quicker. You will find a groove and set into your new routine. In a previous post I have mentioned the joys of living as a single person. It has many perks! Enjoy!

4) When did you know your were ready to date?

• I spent one year as a single woman before I felt the urge to date. I went out with a nice man for 5 months and then realized I was not ready yet. It takes a lot of self reflection cause I really wanted to be with someone, but I was not happy with myself, so I put a dating life on hold. I spent another two years single. After the first month of being lonely a switch flipped and I had NO DESIRE TO DATE... for TWO YEARS. Then one day after hanging out with some friends I had a moment. I kissed a man who had previously been no more than a friend. The rest is history. 

5) Do you wish you hadn't met him (my X)?

• No. not for a second. My life would have been much easier, no doubt, but I have Nugget. Yes, I am stronger because of my tragedy. Yes, I have learned lessons that have made me a better person, but really it is all about Nugget. Without X, I would not have Nugget and as many mothers will tell you, I can't imagine life without her.

I am 30!

What have I accomplished and experienced in my 30 years?

1. I completed 18 years of school. Including graduating college.
2. I played in competitive soccer leagues and softball.
3. Learned Spanish and visited Spain twice.
4. Seen the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, Gulf of Mexico and the Mediterranean Sea
5. Been on a Caribbean cruise
6. Became Certified in my field
7. Had open heart surgery
8. Auditioned for a reality show
9. Joined a sorority
10. Performed on stage in musicals and plays
11. Sang a solo in front of over 200 people
12. Was offered a full ride scholarship for soccer
13. Worked as a landscaper, caterer, barista, secretary and Research Coordinator
14. Been married and divorced (I celebrated the divorce more!)
15. Made many wonderful friends
16. Had a beautiful daughter
17. been a single mom
18. Ran some 5ks
19. Been a camp counselor
20. went to Canada and Mexico
21. Owned a dog
22. Read many books
23. Hosted a radio show
24. Performed improv comedy
25. Was crowned Queen (homecoming lol)
26. Written a blog ;)
27. Became financially independent and then did it again post divorce
28. Found myself 
29. Opened up to love again and got engaged
30. Managed to be the head of a happy little family that will be growing by 1 here very soon (AKA when I get married! No new baby yet!)

Flashes of Sad

Even in the depths of extreme happiness there can be flashes of sadness. Planning a wedding and a life together are fun and exciting, but then there are small practical things that get you. My name. Nugget's name. I want to have my husband's name, but I want my child to share my name as well. I was explaining the process of getting married to Nugget and that a lot of women (and some men) change their last name. I told her I will most like have two last names (hyphenate). She expressed the desire to take my Fiance's last name too. She wants to be an Anderson-Smith*, and she kept saying her name out loud with both last names each time for over 5 mins.

It really hurts my heart that the laws in OH make it very hard for me to let my child share the last name of the family she wants to be recognized as. She will always be told that no matter what her last name is she is loved more than anything by her mom and her Dad. Yes, her Dad. The man that has known her since birth, supported and loved her her since age 3. Nugget tells me all the time that when I am married she will call my Fiance "Dad" and that she wants to and is excited to have "the best dad ever!". The happiness I feel cannot be described. They are wonderful together.

After I am married I will ask my X to give up his parental rights. He will most likely say no, which is his right in our state, but I will push. Nugget deserves it.

I am engaged!

Well readers... I am engaged!

My fiance and I have been a couple for 8 months and close friends for almost 14 years. I am overjoyed and happy.

There are still going to be many struggle ahead, but I am glad to have a great partner by my side.

He asked me and gave me a beautiful ring while we were our of town on a mini getaway. When we got home he gave Nugget a locket and let her know he wanted us all to be a family. It was super sweet.

One month to go!!

I will be 30 in one month! Last year I made a list in hopes of having 30 new experiences before I hit 30. I think it is time to check in and see how it is going and what I need to do this month!

1. Run a 5k - I did it! I ran in 2 races this past year. One was a 2 mile and one was a 5k. 

2. Eat only organic/unprocessed for at least 1 week - Not only did I do this, I took it a step further! I went vegan for a week. Clean eating VEGAN! It was a great success and I have made a lot of changes to how I eat.

3. Take a new class at the community center - Nugget and I took a swimming class together. I was only there to help her, but it was a class!

4. Make something my daughter can keep forever - I finally caught up on her baby book. I wrote lots of letters to her in it and made sure she understood our journey.

5. Go on a date - I not only went on a date, I started a relationship with a wonderful guy. 

6. Volunteer in the community

7. Apply for a dream job, even if I am not completely qualified

8. See a professional ballet performance - I did not go to the ballet, but I went to a Broadway musical while it was touring in Columbus.

9. Get in the best shape of my life - I dropped my cholesterol and am on my way to being super fit! I have one month to get there!

10. Buy a new car 

11. Give myself a makeover and try a more standout lip color - I have redone my hair and makeup. I think I have gotten a better hold on it.

12. Try to get something published (a short story, article or poem… maybe a Lifetime original script ;) ) - I submitted some stuff... but no luck. I did try!

13. Have a savings account with at least $1500 in it

14. Sell a painting

15. Record a song, even if is just for me to see/hear

16. Adopt a pet - My guy and got a dog, granted it is mostly his right now, but we made the decision together.

17. Get a tattoo - Done!

18. Have my first mammogram

19. See a dermatologist and have my freckles checked - Check!

20. Print out my pictures and make a family photo album for Nugget and I - Done! 

21. Go one day without spending any money, maybe two - Yep!

22. Visit Disney or other major theme park

23. Try to be an extra in a film

24. Audition for something 

25. Take Nugget to her first baseball game - This is on the schedule!

26. Buy myself good piece of jewelry - Actually my sister bought me a Tiffany bracelet. 

27. Make myself a piece of jewelry - Does a friendship bracelet count? I think it does! I also sewed a scarf... so I am crafty!

28. Write letters, by hand, to friends that have moved far away 

29. Make a music video with my Daughter - Done! thank you FROZEN

30. Learn to drive a stick shift

31. Learn a foreign language, enough to have a simple conversation - Pasé tiempo practicar a mi español

Other Random things I have accomplished this year that were not on the list:

I was lucky enough to get  small title change at work. Nothing major, but I was given the opportunity to earn more time off and have a more flexible schedule. 

I visited the city I have been dreaming about moving to, Charleston, SC. I loved it and still have a desire to live there someday.

I have made a lot of new friends.

Letter From Prison: He won't go away

I got a letter from prison yesterday.

The short version is "I know you have never answered any of my past letters, but I am hoping this will change. I am not asking much Becca, I just want to know about Nugget's well being and a little about her life."

Readers, I will de-code this for all of you:

"Becca, it really bothers me that you have chosen to ignore my communication. My loss of control over you makes me feel angry and the lack of validation scares me. Maybe if I ask about Nugget over and over you will relent and at least send me a short reply. Maybe if I only ask for basic info on her general well being I can possibly get my foot in the door? I am hoping you are too stupid to realize that my parents visit me once or twice a month and share that information with me already. I want you to feel sorry for ME so I can see that YOU care. If you show me you care, even a tiny bit, I may be able manipulate you. If I can have a family to come back to when I get out of prison then other people will see me as normal and I can reestablish myself in a community... because I AM totally normal..."

You have to be able to ready between the lines. He already gets basic info from his parents, he doesn't need it from me. He has never admitted to be a sicko, even though he admitted to downloading pics of children, he said it was a mistake... one he made about 600 times.. When he had supervised visits (before he was convicted) he spent the whole time talking to ME and trying to get me to speak on his behalf to the courts. He didn't give to shits about Nugget.

I am a very positive person, but some days I get angry just like anyone else. I am currently getting ready to write a few letters to send out to Senators, Congressmen and State Rep in hopes that I may be able to get the ball rolling on sever the rights of those in OH convicted of crimes against children.

It is not a contest.

Life is not a contest. It is not about who has it better or who has it worse.

A person needs to focus on how to make themselves better and what they learned from the times where things were at their worst.

There has been so many times where I have bit my tongue in order not to scream at a person complaining about their life. A life that to me seems so easy. A life with a supportive partner that works hard for a family  or where a well to do family helps pay most of the bills... I have most likely even written vents on this blog about how much it hurt or frustrated me in the moment, but I am glad I kept my mouth shut (at least in that moment).

I have been through a hellish ordeal, but I should not need a pity party. Why do others need to treat me differently? They don't! I wouldn't want that anyway! My X's actions are his, and though I was one of his victims, I was Becca first. I still am the same person. I am smarter and more mature, but I have the same 12 year old boy sense of humor and wonderful friends.

Nope it is not a contest, but you should always try to feel like you are winning.

In his mind

Today I want to spend a little time reflecting back on the mind of one of these monsters. My X is one of far too many men who have and evil sickness in them. Because I feel it is important to share my experiences I will try to explain what I have learned.

I want everyone to remember that my X was PERFECT in the beginning. He was a gentleman, he was always kind, loving and understanding towards me. Over the course of two years this got whittled away VERY slowly. There were no red flags until we were closed to being married. This is a very common story for those who were abused physically or mentally/emotionally.

Anyway, his arrest was a shock. Though I changed my locks and made the decision to leave him right away, I did talk to him via telephone and at supervised visits until he was found guilty in a court of law. The discussions we had centered mostly around me trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. I wanted to hear him explain things in his own words. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel and I wanted him to hear my raw emotions. I wanted to hurt him, but I wanted to hurt him with the truth. My intention was never to be mean, it was to make him listen to me and my feelings. I hope he is sitting in prison thinking about the pain in my voice. I hope my words circle his mind... "You are sick. I do not love you. I never want to see you again. MY daughter does not need you, you will never be her father. There is no chance of me changing my mind. None."

I have said much more to him, but on the last phone call, the last time he heard my voice, he threatened me with a lot of ridiculous things (Trying to block my family seeing Nugget, taking all of the furniture and appliances in the divorce, having his parents go after visitation so they could bring Nugget to visit him...) He was yelling, screaming and I was calm. He didn't scare me anymore, not with these empty threats. His emotion had no power over me. I didn't care if he was upset or that I was the person he was mad at... I just waited for him to take a breath and simply said:

 "You can try all these things and you will lose. The judge has already said you have no footing, you are a pedophile. I am a good person who is doing what is best for my daughter. Good luck with all of those threats, I have already won.You will not be hearing from me. Don't bother calling here again, this number will be blocked."

There is nothing more freeing than letting go completely. I just do not care about him anymore. No fear, no sadness, nothing. He rarely crosses my mind. Of course I am sure he thinks about me and Nugget often, this does frighten me a bit and I am sure when he is free again I will find myself fighting again, but I am confident.

His mind is sick. He still has not admitted his attraction to young girls, despite hundreds of videos, pictures and other materials being found to the contrary. He thinks he is a good guy who got caught in a bad situation and will have another family someday and start over... I hope any woman in his future is smart enough to do a background check and run away fast, because in his mind... he is just fine. 

My Relatiopnship

Four years ago when my life was in tatters I spent a long time building up walls. Everyone who has had their heart broken may be able to relate on some level. I NEEDED those walls. I NEEDED to forget the little moments in a relationship. Walls helped to keep me focused on the work I was doing for myself and my daughter. I have spoken about how far I have come with my self-image and my confidence in my whole self. I am pretty awesome! The hardest part of my personal growth was learning when to start taking down the walls.

Relaxing my defenses and letting a person in who was willing to take on some of the responsibility of protecting my heart and my feelings was a long process. I dated a man once about a year after my separation, if you read my blog regularly you may remember… ANYWAY! I tried to let someone in, but I wasn’t ready and he was not the right guy. It was a good test, not to downplay this relationship; he was a great guy, just not the right one for me. My attempt to let someone in failed. There was never a feeling of security, deep emotional safety. It was fun, he was nice, it was easy in a lot of ways, but I was still locked in behind barricades.

In the present I am with a man who I have known since I was 16 years old. A person that I have trusted for longer than all of my previous relationships combined. Someone I not only have history with, but a present and future. Three years ago we found ourselves spending more and more time together. Our friendship got closer. There was talk among our group that we would get together, but I wanted to be alone, I wasn’t ready. Instead our friendship got stronger. Then at the end of this summer things moved forward. It was a split decision that has changed my life for the better.

Our friends, of course, are not surprised. People in my life who live far away or those who do not know our history are surprised the marriage talk has already begun, but after 13 years it seems natural. We are comfortable and know all of each other’s secrets and skeletons. Plus, as I have said in previous posts I think it is CRUCIAL for everyone especially single parents, to share their expectations in a relationship. This was simple since as my friend he had heard all of my desires for my future relationship. My moods, my loves, my goals, my fears and my time of the month… he knows it all! It is kind of like Chandler and Monica from FRIENDS, it was always there and after getting together it just seemed so obvious! Like DUH!!

I am happy. Nugget is happy. We are happy.