Monday, February 17, 2014

In his mind

Today I want to spend a little time reflecting back on the mind of one of these monsters. My X is one of far too many men who have and evil sickness in them. Because I feel it is important to share my experiences I will try to explain what I have learned.

I want everyone to remember that my X was PERFECT in the beginning. He was a gentleman, he was always kind, loving and understanding towards me. Over the course of two years this got whittled away VERY slowly. There were no red flags until we were closed to being married. This is a very common story for those who were abused physically or mentally/emotionally.

Anyway, his arrest was a shock. Though I changed my locks and made the decision to leave him right away, I did talk to him via telephone and at supervised visits until he was found guilty in a court of law. The discussions we had centered mostly around me trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. I wanted to hear him explain things in his own words. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel and I wanted him to hear my raw emotions. I wanted to hurt him, but I wanted to hurt him with the truth. My intention was never to be mean, it was to make him listen to me and my feelings. I hope he is sitting in prison thinking about the pain in my voice. I hope my words circle his mind... "You are sick. I do not love you. I never want to see you again. MY daughter does not need you, you will never be her father. There is no chance of me changing my mind. None."

I have said much more to him, but on the last phone call, the last time he heard my voice, he threatened me with a lot of ridiculous things (Trying to block my family seeing Nugget, taking all of the furniture and appliances in the divorce, having his parents go after visitation so they could bring Nugget to visit him...) He was yelling, screaming and I was calm. He didn't scare me anymore, not with these empty threats. His emotion had no power over me. I didn't care if he was upset or that I was the person he was mad at... I just waited for him to take a breath and simply said:

 "You can try all these things and you will lose. The judge has already said you have no footing, you are a pedophile. I am a good person who is doing what is best for my daughter. Good luck with all of those threats, I have already won.You will not be hearing from me. Don't bother calling here again, this number will be blocked."

There is nothing more freeing than letting go completely. I just do not care about him anymore. No fear, no sadness, nothing. He rarely crosses my mind. Of course I am sure he thinks about me and Nugget often, this does frighten me a bit and I am sure when he is free again I will find myself fighting again, but I am confident.

His mind is sick. He still has not admitted his attraction to young girls, despite hundreds of videos, pictures and other materials being found to the contrary. He thinks he is a good guy who got caught in a bad situation and will have another family someday and start over... I hope any woman in his future is smart enough to do a background check and run away fast, because in his mind... he is just fine. 

1 comment:

kikssimplelife said...

what you're going through is not easy..I hope you get through all these victoriously in Christ Jesus :)