Friday, April 29, 2011

The Day that Changed Everything

It has come to my attention that while I have given out details here and there, I have never actually given my whole story. So I will do that now. Better late than never.

My X and I met on in April of 2008 and clicked immediately. We came from similar backgrounds and had a lot of common interests. He was a very dominate personality and I am laid back, he was a neat freak and I hate to clean… overall we just fit together. Everything was very easy for us relationship wise. He was very much a gentleman and very sweet. I fell hard and our relationship moved fast. We moved in together, got a dog, got engaged, got married and got pregnant. Very normal.

People always ask me if there were any signs. Nothing was a huge red flags, but of course looking back I can see why some things seemed weird to me. It was never anything so bad that it would make me think he was doing what he was doing. I knew he dated a 18 year old when he was 30. I knew he was a single guy for 10 years before we were together. I knew he was very dedicated to his coaching job (high school girls lacrosse). I knew he had a hot temper with other people and every once in a while, when we fought he would be fight dirty and say some truly mean and hurtful things. Honestly we fought so rarely it didn’t overly concern me.

On June 8th, 2010 my life changed forever. I started to get worried when I called X after work and he was not answering. I had talked to him at 11am and we talked about painting the nursery and preparing for our baby. Now I couldn’t even get him to answer a text. Maybe his phone died, it had happened before… I got home from work and the house was empty. I let the dog out and tried to relax myself by taking a bath. After 20 mins in the tub I got out and stared at my phone. I was really worried, almost in a panic. Where is my husband? He knows I am a worrier! What if I went into labor and couldn’t find him?! Was he in an accident? As I was sitting in my room, in my sweats, my hair wet…. There was a knock at the door. My heart dropped. Who could be knocking? Something has happened! I thought “Oh. My. God. He is dead.” WRONG!

I opened the door to a team of officers. The man in front identified himself as an officer and told me no one had been hurt, but my husband had been arrested. My first thought was he got into a fight, he had a hot temper and I could see this happening. Then the officer went on to say “You husband was arrested trying to meet up with a girl he believed to be 15 years old for sexual relations.” I went totally numb. He walked me out to the back patio so I could sit down. I couldn’t be in the house while they searched. They had a detective talk to me. I remember feeling bad for him. This poor man had to explain to a woman who was 8 months pregnant that her husband was a pedophile. He offered me water, food a blanket (I must have been shaking, I am as I write this), but I could barely connect with reality. I just sat there and answered his questions while rubbing my belly. I didn’t cry.

I was not allowed to call anyone until they finished going through the house. They had a van parked in my driveway that had software used to scan all of our hard drives. There were cop cars all over. In my little condo complex they seemed to take up the whole street. All of my neighbors were outside watching the spectacle. My tragedy was on display. I felt so embarrassed, in fact that was the first real feeling I had, embarrassment. All I could do was watch and wait. I could tell all of the officers felt horrible for me. I almost felt like they all wanted to give me a hug. I could see it in their eyes. FINALLY I was able to call my mother. I told her that X had been arrested and why. She got right in her car and ran to my side.

I packed a suitcase as my mother called my X’s parents and told them what happened. She was tough with them as they didn’t seem to believe her. We locked up the condo and went to my parents house. We made a plan to get my own bank account first thing in the morning and to have a locksmith come and change the locks on my condo. Since the condo was in my name only and purchased before our marriage this was totally within the law. My in-laws came over to ask that I allow my husband to stay at the condo since I was staying at my parents. I said no. They didn’t understand why I would not allow it. My mom and I explained that their son was now a sexual predator and would be known as one for the rest of his life. That he was carrying on online relationships with a couple women (of legal age) as well as this undercover officer he thought was 15. To add one more blow to my emotional state, he actually put an ad on craigslist looking for a girl to have an affair with. His parents thought this was all a mistake and a set up… I told them they would have to take him home with them. It would be better for him anyway to be 2.5 hours away from the city where he was arrested. I mean he would not exactly be popular after all of this.

There was no sleeping. I watched Nick-at-Night and cried. I sat with my mommy (yes I said mommy) and cried for hours. I could barely eat and my mom forced nutrition shakes down my throat, because after all I was pregnant and the baby needed me to eat something. I thought about how I was growing a daughter inside me. How disappointed she would be someday to find out who her father was and what he had done. The feeling of failure swept over me. I knew it was all his fault, but I felt like I set my little girl up for such a hard life.

I did not hear from my husband until the late afternoon the day after he was arrested. He cried and blubbered out an apology. He ask to see me and I agreed to a 5 min meeting before he went home with his parents. My dad stood behind me as I hugged my husband for the last time. My X cried and could barely speak. I was a statue. I could not believe that 48 hours ago I thought this man was the most wonderful person in the world. Someone who would never hurt me. He was always so strong and here he was sobbing on my shoulder. I wanted to comfort him and for everything to be a dream because I wanted him to hold me. How in the world after everything that had happened and everything I knew could there be any part of me that still loved him? Well, love does not go away overnight. I was smart enough to listen to my head instead of my heart, but my heart still wanted him… at least he person I thought he was.

Since the date of his arrest the police found images and video of underage girls on the computers they took from our home. X's case was moved to federal court and he was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. He is serving his time in a fcility 3 hours away from where I live and I have no intention of taking my daughter to see him, though is is fighting for visitation.

Had I not been pregnant, I believe I would have been committed. I say that in all honesty. Instead I looked inside myself for strength I never knew I had. I fought through the sleeplessness and forced myself to go forward for the sake of my daughter. Her presence in my life has reminded me that everything happens for a reason. When I hold her I know it was meant to be. This experience was horrible and caused more pain than any person should have to go through... but I would do it again for my daughter.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me during the last year. I feel like a new person and could not have gotten to this good place without all of your help.


Mac said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I hope it was healing for you in some way.

Kim Chodorowski said...

I cannot even begin to imagine. You are such a strong person and I admire that strength. Your daughter is lucky to have you!!

Kassie said...

ILY Becca you are strong and beautiful and deserve a man that is worthy of you and you will get him one day. You are a wonderful mother and will always do whats best for your daughter, I believe that 100%.
“We are not defined by our trials,
but by how we face them.
We are all afraid; bravery is a choice,
that though you may lose, you shall never be defeated.” – Jill Pendley

Anonymous said...

Hi, I came to your blog from the bump and I just wanted to say that I have so much respect for you getting through that. I tried to imagine myself in your shoes and how I would have reacted. I don't know. I hope you don't have to give him visitation. I'm glad your daughter is lucky enough to have a mom smart enough to get out!!

Heather said...

Like the previous commenter - i stumbled onto your blog from the bump -- wow, what a story. you are so strong and i have so much respect for you! your daughter is so lucky to have such a strong mommy and the fact that you have her, i'm sure helps you so much. it's amazing what a child can do for you!

i hope everything falls into place for you and that you continue to be strong and happy!!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog from The Bump. You are an amazing woman and mother. I only wish my mother had the strength to leave the man who sexually abused his children. Do not doubt for a second your decision. Your daughter will thank you for your strength every day.

Your story will help heal many wounds, I know it has mine. Thank you for sharing your pain and courage.

Erin said...

Wow - you are a strong, courageous woman. I am so sorry for the situation your X put you in, and proud of you for handling it with such grace and honor. Thank you for writing about it.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to send hugs. Got here from The Bump.

Tina said...

Huge hugs to you-- I haven't read your entire blog but my heart goes out to you.


Charlotte said...

Wow...such strength and courage you have! I found your blog on and will be following your blog from now on. You are such an inspiration. Thank you for putting your story out there as encouragement to other single moms.


Jessy said...

Hi! I found your blog through Top Bloggers (or something like that)! LOL I did a search for divorced mom blogs. Anyway, I divorced my husband of 18 years in May after he walked out on me and our kids to meet up with a married woman from another country...because she agreed to be his sex slave. How shocking to find out that your husband is a porn addict, searching for woman he can control and hurt. These men boggle the mind! Stand tall!