Mourning My Single Mom Life

This past weekend my fiance moved in with Nugget and I. Words cannot describe how happy this makes me. It is nice to have him close and to not have to worry about little things like travel time between houses or doing everything around my house all by myself and of course just being able to get a kiss before and after work!

That being said this post is about the “loss” of my former life. Moving forward is always a mix of emotions. No matter how hard the past was, there is always a piece of it that made you happy and that you will look back on fondly. For me and Nugget our life together as a family of two is over. This makes me sad. We have accomplished so much together and against all odds we were very happy. She learned to walk, talk, laugh, and everything that has made her the amazing girl she is today. As for me, in the last 4 years I have grown as well. I passed my certification test, found a better job, was able to keep my home and became more confident in myself. We did all of that together, as a team… a team of two. Now FI (fiance) has joined our ranks. Like I said before I am beyond joyful to have him, but I will mourn the loss of my old life.

It is scary to move forward sometimes, sometimes it is exciting and sometimes both. It is OK to be a little sad to leave that all behind. I am proud of myself and my daughter for getting through the most stressful time in my life. Now looking back I can truly appreciate how hard it was, how much we overcame and how thankful I am to grow our family. 

More FAQs

I know I have done a post similar to this before, I think the last one was done out of frustration... this one is hopefully more helpful. The following are Frequently Asked Questions:

1) How do you stay so positive?

•     It is the easiest and hardest thing is the world. Make the decision to be happy, easy! Work hard to make it happen... this can be hard depending on the day. On bad days I remind myself that worse has happened and I got through it. Focus on the good and lean into it.

2) How can you remain calm when your X says stuff to get a rise out of you?

• This becomes much easier when you realize that he/she has no power over you.  If you get visibly upset or drop to their level then they win. I get mad. I am not always cool, but I express in in private moments when I am safe to "lose control". I actually get joy out of seeing a mean, manipulative person scrambling and throwing out low blows because it means they are desperate and scared. Let them be scared, let them stew in their feeling of powerlessness. Keep the angry texts, emails and document verbal assaults. When you stand in front of a judge your X will have done nothing but help your case with his/her own angry words.

3) When does it get easier?

• Emotionally? I can't pinpoint an exact time. This is different for everyone. Though if I think about it... every day gets a little easier. If you stay focused on the important things and work through any sadness and anger your road will be easier. The longer you hold on to negative feelings the longer it will take. You have all heard of emotional baggage? Well, imagine all of your negative emotions as baggage. It is much easier to get from point A to point B with only a carry on or even 1 full size roller bag then it is to get there with a full matching set of suitcases!

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• Day to day stuff, like running a single parent household, gets easier much quicker. You will find a groove and set into your new routine. In a previous post I have mentioned the joys of living as a single person. It has many perks! Enjoy!

4) When did you know your were ready to date?

• I spent one year as a single woman before I felt the urge to date. I went out with a nice man for 5 months and then realized I was not ready yet. It takes a lot of self reflection cause I really wanted to be with someone, but I was not happy with myself, so I put a dating life on hold. I spent another two years single. After the first month of being lonely a switch flipped and I had NO DESIRE TO DATE... for TWO YEARS. Then one day after hanging out with some friends I had a moment. I kissed a man who had previously been no more than a friend. The rest is history. 

5) Do you wish you hadn't met him (my X)?

• No. not for a second. My life would have been much easier, no doubt, but I have Nugget. Yes, I am stronger because of my tragedy. Yes, I have learned lessons that have made me a better person, but really it is all about Nugget. Without X, I would not have Nugget and as many mothers will tell you, I can't imagine life without her.

I am 30!

What have I accomplished and experienced in my 30 years?

1. I completed 18 years of school. Including graduating college.
2. I played in competitive soccer leagues and softball.
3. Learned Spanish and visited Spain twice.
4. Seen the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, Gulf of Mexico and the Mediterranean Sea
5. Been on a Caribbean cruise
6. Became Certified in my field
7. Had open heart surgery
8. Auditioned for a reality show
9. Joined a sorority
10. Performed on stage in musicals and plays
11. Sang a solo in front of over 200 people
12. Was offered a full ride scholarship for soccer
13. Worked as a landscaper, caterer, barista, secretary and Research Coordinator
14. Been married and divorced (I celebrated the divorce more!)
15. Made many wonderful friends
16. Had a beautiful daughter
17. been a single mom
18. Ran some 5ks
19. Been a camp counselor
20. went to Canada and Mexico
21. Owned a dog
22. Read many books
23. Hosted a radio show
24. Performed improv comedy
25. Was crowned Queen (homecoming lol)
26. Written a blog ;)
27. Became financially independent and then did it again post divorce
28. Found myself 
29. Opened up to love again and got engaged
30. Managed to be the head of a happy little family that will be growing by 1 here very soon (AKA when I get married! No new baby yet!)

Flashes of Sad

Even in the depths of extreme happiness there can be flashes of sadness. Planning a wedding and a life together are fun and exciting, but then there are small practical things that get you. My name. Nugget's name. I want to have my husband's name, but I want my child to share my name as well. I was explaining the process of getting married to Nugget and that a lot of women (and some men) change their last name. I told her I will most like have two last names (hyphenate). She expressed the desire to take my Fiance's last name too. She wants to be an Anderson-Smith*, and she kept saying her name out loud with both last names each time for over 5 mins.

It really hurts my heart that the laws in OH make it very hard for me to let my child share the last name of the family she wants to be recognized as. She will always be told that no matter what her last name is she is loved more than anything by her mom and her Dad. Yes, her Dad. The man that has known her since birth, supported and loved her her since age 3. Nugget tells me all the time that when I am married she will call my Fiance "Dad" and that she wants to and is excited to have "the best dad ever!". The happiness I feel cannot be described. They are wonderful together.

After I am married I will ask my X to give up his parental rights. He will most likely say no, which is his right in our state, but I will push. Nugget deserves it.

I am engaged!

Well readers... I am engaged!

My fiance and I have been a couple for 8 months and close friends for almost 14 years. I am overjoyed and happy.

There are still going to be many struggle ahead, but I am glad to have a great partner by my side.

He asked me and gave me a beautiful ring while we were our of town on a mini getaway. When we got home he gave Nugget a locket and let her know he wanted us all to be a family. It was super sweet.

One month to go!!

I will be 30 in one month! Last year I made a list in hopes of having 30 new experiences before I hit 30. I think it is time to check in and see how it is going and what I need to do this month!

1. Run a 5k - I did it! I ran in 2 races this past year. One was a 2 mile and one was a 5k. 

2. Eat only organic/unprocessed for at least 1 week - Not only did I do this, I took it a step further! I went vegan for a week. Clean eating VEGAN! It was a great success and I have made a lot of changes to how I eat.

3. Take a new class at the community center - Nugget and I took a swimming class together. I was only there to help her, but it was a class!

4. Make something my daughter can keep forever - I finally caught up on her baby book. I wrote lots of letters to her in it and made sure she understood our journey.

5. Go on a date - I not only went on a date, I started a relationship with a wonderful guy. 

6. Volunteer in the community

7. Apply for a dream job, even if I am not completely qualified

8. See a professional ballet performance - I did not go to the ballet, but I went to a Broadway musical while it was touring in Columbus.

9. Get in the best shape of my life - I dropped my cholesterol and am on my way to being super fit! I have one month to get there!

10. Buy a new car 

11. Give myself a makeover and try a more standout lip color - I have redone my hair and makeup. I think I have gotten a better hold on it.

12. Try to get something published (a short story, article or poem… maybe a Lifetime original script ;) ) - I submitted some stuff... but no luck. I did try!

13. Have a savings account with at least $1500 in it

14. Sell a painting

15. Record a song, even if is just for me to see/hear

16. Adopt a pet - My guy and got a dog, granted it is mostly his right now, but we made the decision together.

17. Get a tattoo - Done!

18. Have my first mammogram

19. See a dermatologist and have my freckles checked - Check!

20. Print out my pictures and make a family photo album for Nugget and I - Done! 

21. Go one day without spending any money, maybe two - Yep!

22. Visit Disney or other major theme park

23. Try to be an extra in a film

24. Audition for something 

25. Take Nugget to her first baseball game - This is on the schedule!

26. Buy myself good piece of jewelry - Actually my sister bought me a Tiffany bracelet. 

27. Make myself a piece of jewelry - Does a friendship bracelet count? I think it does! I also sewed a scarf... so I am crafty!

28. Write letters, by hand, to friends that have moved far away 

29. Make a music video with my Daughter - Done! thank you FROZEN

30. Learn to drive a stick shift

31. Learn a foreign language, enough to have a simple conversation - Pasé tiempo practicar a mi español

Other Random things I have accomplished this year that were not on the list:

I was lucky enough to get  small title change at work. Nothing major, but I was given the opportunity to earn more time off and have a more flexible schedule. 

I visited the city I have been dreaming about moving to, Charleston, SC. I loved it and still have a desire to live there someday.

I have made a lot of new friends.

Letter From Prison: He won't go away

I got a letter from prison yesterday.

The short version is "I know you have never answered any of my past letters, but I am hoping this will change. I am not asking much Becca, I just want to know about Nugget's well being and a little about her life."

Readers, I will de-code this for all of you:

"Becca, it really bothers me that you have chosen to ignore my communication. My loss of control over you makes me feel angry and the lack of validation scares me. Maybe if I ask about Nugget over and over you will relent and at least send me a short reply. Maybe if I only ask for basic info on her general well being I can possibly get my foot in the door? I am hoping you are too stupid to realize that my parents visit me once or twice a month and share that information with me already. I want you to feel sorry for ME so I can see that YOU care. If you show me you care, even a tiny bit, I may be able manipulate you. If I can have a family to come back to when I get out of prison then other people will see me as normal and I can reestablish myself in a community... because I AM totally normal..."

You have to be able to ready between the lines. He already gets basic info from his parents, he doesn't need it from me. He has never admitted to be a sicko, even though he admitted to downloading pics of children, he said it was a mistake... one he made about 600 times.. When he had supervised visits (before he was convicted) he spent the whole time talking to ME and trying to get me to speak on his behalf to the courts. He didn't give to shits about Nugget.

I am a very positive person, but some days I get angry just like anyone else. I am currently getting ready to write a few letters to send out to Senators, Congressmen and State Rep in hopes that I may be able to get the ball rolling on sever the rights of those in OH convicted of crimes against children.