Nugget has been pretty clingy and weepy due to teething and I have found myself having flashbacks to her as an infant. One year ago we were battling colic together. Long hours of crying and stress.
We were both at the ends of our ropes. She was in pain or uncomfortable, all she could do was cry. My heart was broken, yet full at the same time and like my beautiful baby I could not communicate exactly what was hurting me so much. A sorry sight... I wish I had more in me at that time. I was stretched to my emotional limits in so many ways. I wish I could have had more strength, been a more calming presence for her.
Our evenings were often spent laying in my bed, her on my chest. Nug would alternate between whimpering and crying and I would join in her tears as I sang to her. As long as she was on my chest and I was singing she would not scream, cry yes, but not scream. The two of us in a day bed crying together. Her pain was physical and mine was emotional, but when we were together it was somehow a little easier to cope with both.
I still sing her the same lullaby almost every night. It is from dumbo and is called "Baby Mine". Only now I can sing it with a soft smile on my face. It is not broken up by sobs and sniffles. I can be the calming, loving presence I wanted to be one year ago... She usually stops crying and looks up into my eyes... I am so proud of us and how far we have come. Ironically it brings tears to my eyes, but these tears are much sweeter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmmqarh2Lv8
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
August 30th, will I be divorced?
My court date is August 30th @ 10 am. I am hoping to walk away a single (truly single) woman. I have felt detached from my X for a long time now. It was not instantaneous, though I knew our relationship was over the moment I heard the news. Letting go of a long term relationship is a process. No matter how awful a person's actions there is a part of you that was in love with that person. I know the person I was in love with was a front, a persona, his attempt to be normal... Once I called him out for being fake and let him know I knew he was trying to manipulate me, well then his true colors came out.
When I was pregnant and before he always was protective of me. He took care of me when I was sick and we spent all of our time together. He had no real friends, just acquaintances. Nobody close enough to know about his secret life, but he was chummy enough to not be seen as a loner or scary. I was the woman he wanted to want to be with. He may have loved me, but I was also a part of his persona. He now had a wife, a home and a baby on the way... He seemed so normal... just the way he wanted.
After he was caught he lost most of his control over me. I admit the shock of it all had me in a place where I felt the need to communicate with him. I wanted to know why. I needed to let him know how I felt. I also missed the man I thought he was. I was however strong enough to tell him I was not going to take him back, He was not allowed near our home, he could not be at the birth of our daughter, and I sent all of his stuff home with his parents. As I came out of my fog/shock I pushed him further and further away. I really cut him off totally when he went back on his word for the umpteenth time on our divorce. He tried to blame my mom and sister for his prison sentence (they did manage to get it extended by speaking in court, but he was in court because of his disgusting crimes. It was his fault of course), blamed me for hurting his parents because I was asking for child support (he had convinced them to pay anything he owes) and telling me I was hurting my daughter by not taking her to visit him in prison.
We had agreed that she should not be taken to the prison, we had agreed that I would keep all the furniture to make a good home for Nugget and we agreed to avoid court and just sign the papers. When he started changing his mind and trying to say I was the liar... well I lost my shit! I screamed at him like I never had, no tears like in previous conversations, I was pissed. In no uncertain terms I told him that he had nobody, but himself to blame for his life being in the shitter. I had always stayed true to my word even after being lied to for YEARS! "Don't bother calling again I will never pick up the phone." These are the last words I spoke to my X. This was in March and the only reason I had ever accepted a call from him is because I thought we were going to settle our divorce civilly, because as he had said, he owed me that much.
I am ready to be divorced. I am ready to shed his name from my moniker. I am ready to break free from all of it. He may never go away completely, but I am ready for a true break.
When I was pregnant and before he always was protective of me. He took care of me when I was sick and we spent all of our time together. He had no real friends, just acquaintances. Nobody close enough to know about his secret life, but he was chummy enough to not be seen as a loner or scary. I was the woman he wanted to want to be with. He may have loved me, but I was also a part of his persona. He now had a wife, a home and a baby on the way... He seemed so normal... just the way he wanted.
After he was caught he lost most of his control over me. I admit the shock of it all had me in a place where I felt the need to communicate with him. I wanted to know why. I needed to let him know how I felt. I also missed the man I thought he was. I was however strong enough to tell him I was not going to take him back, He was not allowed near our home, he could not be at the birth of our daughter, and I sent all of his stuff home with his parents. As I came out of my fog/shock I pushed him further and further away. I really cut him off totally when he went back on his word for the umpteenth time on our divorce. He tried to blame my mom and sister for his prison sentence (they did manage to get it extended by speaking in court, but he was in court because of his disgusting crimes. It was his fault of course), blamed me for hurting his parents because I was asking for child support (he had convinced them to pay anything he owes) and telling me I was hurting my daughter by not taking her to visit him in prison.
We had agreed that she should not be taken to the prison, we had agreed that I would keep all the furniture to make a good home for Nugget and we agreed to avoid court and just sign the papers. When he started changing his mind and trying to say I was the liar... well I lost my shit! I screamed at him like I never had, no tears like in previous conversations, I was pissed. In no uncertain terms I told him that he had nobody, but himself to blame for his life being in the shitter. I had always stayed true to my word even after being lied to for YEARS! "Don't bother calling again I will never pick up the phone." These are the last words I spoke to my X. This was in March and the only reason I had ever accepted a call from him is because I thought we were going to settle our divorce civilly, because as he had said, he owed me that much.
I am ready to be divorced. I am ready to shed his name from my moniker. I am ready to break free from all of it. He may never go away completely, but I am ready for a true break.
Monday, August 15, 2011
To my darling child...
I apologize to you for a couple things...
I am sorry you have my face. Not because it is unattractive, of course we are beautiful, but because in the future you will not be able to deny that I am indeed your mother. As I make cheesy jokes, do crazy impressions and play adult league soccer. you will be somewhere in the background mumbling about how embarrassing I am.
I am sorry for being paranoid, but for obvious reasons I will be closely monitoring your Internet, your phone and your camera. You will have to come to terms with this and realize it comes from a loving place. I do trust you, but I do not trust others or teenage hormones.
I am sorry that I get cranky. I fear the day when our cycles sync... I also fear for my future husband and your future dad... maybe this apology should really go to him!
I am also sorry for our rough start. It was not our fault, but I want you to know that I wish I could have given you so much more. I promise I will try to make things better every single day... so far, so good.
I love you and I am sorry... now get over it!
I am sorry you have my face. Not because it is unattractive, of course we are beautiful, but because in the future you will not be able to deny that I am indeed your mother. As I make cheesy jokes, do crazy impressions and play adult league soccer. you will be somewhere in the background mumbling about how embarrassing I am.
I am sorry for being paranoid, but for obvious reasons I will be closely monitoring your Internet, your phone and your camera. You will have to come to terms with this and realize it comes from a loving place. I do trust you, but I do not trust others or teenage hormones.
I am sorry that I get cranky. I fear the day when our cycles sync... I also fear for my future husband and your future dad... maybe this apology should really go to him!
I am also sorry for our rough start. It was not our fault, but I want you to know that I wish I could have given you so much more. I promise I will try to make things better every single day... so far, so good.
I love you and I am sorry... now get over it!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
De-Evolution
My child has slowly de-evolved into a baby chimp. She now feels the need to cling to me as much as possible. I must be by her side to "talk" with her, watch her do things and cuddle her whenever she so desires.
I blame molars. Teething of course is the process in which your child goes from being a happy, sleeping through the night, independent young semi-angel to a clingy, whining, weepy, wakes-3 time-a-night, little hellion! Only this round of teething comes with more mobility and verbal skills. Meaning she can climb into my lap, run in between my legs, kick, scream and open dresser drawers in order to throw things around.
Personal space no longer exists. People she sees every.single.day and usually loves to hang out with are now not good enough. My BFF/daycare provider now has to deal with a meltdown every morning and my parents can't keep her distracted long enough for me to pee in privacy!
Being an only parent means I am dealing with this mostly on my own, which only feeds the little clinger monkey's desire to crawl back into my belly! My house is in dire straights. I NEED to get laundry, dishes and shopping done!
Nugget, You are mommy's most favoritest person in the whole world!! I promise! This will not change in the moments I am no longer within your eyesight. I will always return to give you hugs and kisses and cuddle your little, precious, baby self. Sweetie, mommy needs a little space. You are invading her bubble a little too much. Lets love each other from across the room for 15 mins while I pick up your toys or vacuum.
Molars, I am not a fan. Your ability to help chew food down to a non-chokeable size is pretty helpful, but must you take so long to arrive? Let's get this show on the road!!!
I blame molars. Teething of course is the process in which your child goes from being a happy, sleeping through the night, independent young semi-angel to a clingy, whining, weepy, wakes-3 time-a-night, little hellion! Only this round of teething comes with more mobility and verbal skills. Meaning she can climb into my lap, run in between my legs, kick, scream and open dresser drawers in order to throw things around.
Personal space no longer exists. People she sees every.single.day and usually loves to hang out with are now not good enough. My BFF/daycare provider now has to deal with a meltdown every morning and my parents can't keep her distracted long enough for me to pee in privacy!
Being an only parent means I am dealing with this mostly on my own, which only feeds the little clinger monkey's desire to crawl back into my belly! My house is in dire straights. I NEED to get laundry, dishes and shopping done!
Nugget, You are mommy's most favoritest person in the whole world!! I promise! This will not change in the moments I am no longer within your eyesight. I will always return to give you hugs and kisses and cuddle your little, precious, baby self. Sweetie, mommy needs a little space. You are invading her bubble a little too much. Lets love each other from across the room for 15 mins while I pick up your toys or vacuum.
Molars, I am not a fan. Your ability to help chew food down to a non-chokeable size is pretty helpful, but must you take so long to arrive? Let's get this show on the road!!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Feeding the maddness!
I like to think of myself as a happy/fun crazy person. It is abundantly clear that my life is not normal and rather than go certifiably insane I choose a delightfully crazy alternative. I sometimes laugh when it is not appropriate and brush things off that others would freak out about... and sometimes I freak out about little things, but do it with a smile. What else can you do? There are things that we can't change so why not just laugh it up.
Here are somethings laugh at that might make others shoot me a side eye. **These are all taken from real situations, so yes I may mention something that happened to you... just know I still love you even if I laugh at you** :
1) You spend a whole day complaining about the horrible things your husband said to you, then the next day talk about something nice you want to do for him because "he deserves it"
2) A hospital calls me about a bill I owe money on and says I could just use a credit card to pay the full remaining balance and then they will give me a $100 discount! Oh yay! If only I hadn't maxed out my emergency CC paying to fix my car and paying to keep the lights on...
3) My X-MIL writes to me about paying some of X's child support and thanks me for lowering the amount to he owes to $200 a month... (Per the judges request I am negotiating CS but not down to $200 a month!) LOL I appreciate you paying what you can to support you granddaughter... oh wait you will only pay if I lower it? Does that mean you are paying to keep X out of trouble or to help you granddaughter? I am confused... Oh well I will just laugh
4) "My husband is out of town for 4 days! Looks like I am a single mom for a while!" I will always laugh at this and possibly freak a little (privately). Seriously, you have no idea what it is like to live this life. Your husband will be home in less than a week and his child support money is guaranteed every single month. (this is strictly referring to the situation above, not those who are military wives or other tough circumstances, so don't comment about how I am mean.)
5) "I am so poor. I feel so bad for my child... we can't afford a big birthday party! Only 50 people will be there and we could only get her one gift." (a $300 gift). Honestly, love your child and make the day special. It doesn't take money and gifts to do that and complaining to me about this will only make me laugh in your face in a insanely creepy way. I may also invite myself to get a free meal...
6)I have all the respect in the world for Single parents (obviously) BUT, there are even certain SPs that annoy me from time to time. Like a friend of mine from work, who I actually love to death.. but our SP status is completely different and we can relate on very few things.
She comes form a wealthy family. Her child's father pays support and makes an effort to see the child every other weekend and on Holidays. Her house was purchased for her by her parents. Her income is supplemented by her family and she already makes a lot more money than I do... So in other words, I am jealous! Any complaints about money from her will be met with a chuckle and a dirty look. She knows this.
7) My birth control (which after this month will not be a problem anymore cause I switched it!) is making me into a fat teenager. Meaning I am moody, pimply and tired. Like I need to be a fat, zit covered bitch on top of everything else! lol
Anyway that is a short list of some things that add to the insanity that is my life! Yes, I find most of it funny! I have dealt with worse.
Here are somethings laugh at that might make others shoot me a side eye. **These are all taken from real situations, so yes I may mention something that happened to you... just know I still love you even if I laugh at you** :
1) You spend a whole day complaining about the horrible things your husband said to you, then the next day talk about something nice you want to do for him because "he deserves it"
2) A hospital calls me about a bill I owe money on and says I could just use a credit card to pay the full remaining balance and then they will give me a $100 discount! Oh yay! If only I hadn't maxed out my emergency CC paying to fix my car and paying to keep the lights on...
3) My X-MIL writes to me about paying some of X's child support and thanks me for lowering the amount to he owes to $200 a month... (Per the judges request I am negotiating CS but not down to $200 a month!) LOL I appreciate you paying what you can to support you granddaughter... oh wait you will only pay if I lower it? Does that mean you are paying to keep X out of trouble or to help you granddaughter? I am confused... Oh well I will just laugh
4) "My husband is out of town for 4 days! Looks like I am a single mom for a while!" I will always laugh at this and possibly freak a little (privately). Seriously, you have no idea what it is like to live this life. Your husband will be home in less than a week and his child support money is guaranteed every single month. (this is strictly referring to the situation above, not those who are military wives or other tough circumstances, so don't comment about how I am mean.)
5) "I am so poor. I feel so bad for my child... we can't afford a big birthday party! Only 50 people will be there and we could only get her one gift." (a $300 gift). Honestly, love your child and make the day special. It doesn't take money and gifts to do that and complaining to me about this will only make me laugh in your face in a insanely creepy way. I may also invite myself to get a free meal...
6)I have all the respect in the world for Single parents (obviously) BUT, there are even certain SPs that annoy me from time to time. Like a friend of mine from work, who I actually love to death.. but our SP status is completely different and we can relate on very few things.
She comes form a wealthy family. Her child's father pays support and makes an effort to see the child every other weekend and on Holidays. Her house was purchased for her by her parents. Her income is supplemented by her family and she already makes a lot more money than I do... So in other words, I am jealous! Any complaints about money from her will be met with a chuckle and a dirty look. She knows this.
7) My birth control (which after this month will not be a problem anymore cause I switched it!) is making me into a fat teenager. Meaning I am moody, pimply and tired. Like I need to be a fat, zit covered bitch on top of everything else! lol
Anyway that is a short list of some things that add to the insanity that is my life! Yes, I find most of it funny! I have dealt with worse.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Mommy School
If being a mommy was given titles like classes at school the following would be my class schedule.
Home economics: Where I run around trying to clean, cook breakfast, keep my child entertained and get ready for work all at the same time.
Business: 8 hours of work. Meetings, email, phone calls and memos.
Driver's Ed: Navigating my 60 minute commute to DC and home through rush hour traffic.
Algebra: Solve 1t + 1b = 5 million (AKA 1 tube of puffs + 1 baby = 5 million half shrunken snack food pieces stuck to various objects all over my home)
Chemistry: What in the world did you eat that when mixed with stomach acid creates feces of that color, texture and odor!?
Physical Education: Running around the apartment after my 1 year old and getting through bath time.
Music: Blasting Britney Spears and watching Nugget dance with her baby tambourine.
Philosophy: Reading Dr. Suess and contemplating "Green Eggs and Ham"
Home economics: Where I run around trying to clean, cook breakfast, keep my child entertained and get ready for work all at the same time.
Business: 8 hours of work. Meetings, email, phone calls and memos.
Driver's Ed: Navigating my 60 minute commute to DC and home through rush hour traffic.
Algebra: Solve 1t + 1b = 5 million (AKA 1 tube of puffs + 1 baby = 5 million half shrunken snack food pieces stuck to various objects all over my home)
Chemistry: What in the world did you eat that when mixed with stomach acid creates feces of that color, texture and odor!?
Physical Education: Running around the apartment after my 1 year old and getting through bath time.
Music: Blasting Britney Spears and watching Nugget dance with her baby tambourine.
Philosophy: Reading Dr. Suess and contemplating "Green Eggs and Ham"
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Bills, Bills, Bills
I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with all of my bills. The thing that really bothers me about this is I have a great job, I make good money... yet I am still behind! I have almost maxed out my emergency credit card and I feel a little nervous about that.
Over the past year I have had medical bills, legal fees, mortgage payments, a new set of brakes, new bearings in my car, new hubs... damn car and all of the baby expenses. That stuff eats up cash like crazy! It is truly frustrating.
Another thing that tugs at me is that fact that my mortgage is killing me financially. The house is only in my name and if I was single with no child I would be ok... or if I was married with another income and a child I would be ok... but I am single with a child and I can't sell my condo for another year (due to the first time home buyer's credit). If I was renting a 2 bedroom apt or own a smaller home I would have NOTHING to worry about, at least money wise.
Of course I am not receiving child support (yet). In fact I have spent almost $1000 dollars just arguing over me need for child support while my X feels paying would be a punishment. The silver lining here is his parents want to keep him out of trouble so they will be paying a portion of the child support. If they stay true to their word I will be get $200 a month form them. The child support amount set by the court is more than this and the rest will build up arrears over the next 7 years.
Even without the child support my situation is only temporary. I will have the medical bills and legal fees paid off in the next year and that will help. I am also working towards a certification that will come with a raise. After all of this I should be back on track.
Over the past year I have had medical bills, legal fees, mortgage payments, a new set of brakes, new bearings in my car, new hubs... damn car and all of the baby expenses. That stuff eats up cash like crazy! It is truly frustrating.
Another thing that tugs at me is that fact that my mortgage is killing me financially. The house is only in my name and if I was single with no child I would be ok... or if I was married with another income and a child I would be ok... but I am single with a child and I can't sell my condo for another year (due to the first time home buyer's credit). If I was renting a 2 bedroom apt or own a smaller home I would have NOTHING to worry about, at least money wise.
Of course I am not receiving child support (yet). In fact I have spent almost $1000 dollars just arguing over me need for child support while my X feels paying would be a punishment. The silver lining here is his parents want to keep him out of trouble so they will be paying a portion of the child support. If they stay true to their word I will be get $200 a month form them. The child support amount set by the court is more than this and the rest will build up arrears over the next 7 years.
Even without the child support my situation is only temporary. I will have the medical bills and legal fees paid off in the next year and that will help. I am also working towards a certification that will come with a raise. After all of this I should be back on track.
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