My world is complicated these days. Nobody prepares for the news that the person you trusted more than anyone in the whole world is guilty of a horrendous crime. His family of course loves him and is scared for him, my family is scared of him and does not like him at all... I don't trust him, part of me misses the person I thought he was and part of me is scared of what the future holds. The only thing that is certain is that he will be in jail for at least 5 years.
My body is all new. I am 15 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy, I have stretch marks and one boob is bigger than the other. With all of this said I am trying to embrace the new me. Losing the weight will happen at it's own pace. All I can do is exercise (I have a personal trainer and I play soccer) and eat right (I try... I could do better though!). As for the stretch marks they may fade but they are here to stay and I will learn to live with them. I look decent in clothing and someday I will love myself naked again.
Nugget is wonderful. She is honestly the best! Does she fuss? Yes, but hey she is still the cutest fussy budget I know. She is lucky enough to get a lot of love from my family my ILs and her "aunt" Ice who watches her during the day. She is smiling now and laughing a little :) I just love her so much!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Court today
X is going to court today to sign his plea deal. He will plead guilty to receipt of child pornography. His deal is for somewhere between 5-8yrs in federal prison. Though in federal court the judge can choose to give a longer sentence if he wants.
I will not be attending court because the local news may be there. I can't handle that and honestly there is no reason for me to be there. He will not be sentenced today, that will happen within the next 3 months.
It is still hard to beleive that this is my life right now and that it will always be a part of Nugget and my life. We will move on and move past the hurt but it will always be there.
I will not be attending court because the local news may be there. I can't handle that and honestly there is no reason for me to be there. He will not be sentenced today, that will happen within the next 3 months.
It is still hard to beleive that this is my life right now and that it will always be a part of Nugget and my life. We will move on and move past the hurt but it will always be there.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Fussy Baby
So my sweet little girl is a bit of a fuss bucket...
I know babies cry but mine always makes it sound like a matter of life and death! She also get gas so that makes her a very unhappy baby. I should have bought stock in mylicon drops with the way we use them (one dose with every feeding).
Nugget is also going through a growth spurt. She eats a tons and since only one of my breasts seems to produce milk (I will explain more later) she needs to be supplemented with formula after some feedings. I have nicknamed her shark week because she is such hungry and an aggressive feeder, I should have never watched the Discovery Channel. I am scared that when she gets her teeth that our breastfeeding days may be over... I will still pump though. Also, formula is making her dirty diapers a bit on the smelly side. Nothing says fun like stinky formula diapers!
So, as I mentioned earlier only one of my boobs works! It is a cup size bigger and when I pump I get 3 oz from the right and less then one from the left. I try to stimulate it by having her feed on the left and by pumping regularly but it is just a dud boob. This makes her feeding a bit harder since the right side can get sore and empty fast. I have to give her formula but I am not going to stress, it is what it is!
A quick STBXH update:
He is not in prison yet and after talking to my lawyer it seems that some kind of visitation s going to happen so I am trying to work something out with him where his sister and her husband are both there and it is in a neutral location. I have talked to him a few time and I have a hard time understanding how things are they way they are. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. That is why I am in therapy and he just started seeing a psychologist as well. I am staying out of the court case. He will make a plea deal and as for sentencing I am not going to make a statement for or against him. I just do not want to be involved at all. That is it for now.
I know babies cry but mine always makes it sound like a matter of life and death! She also get gas so that makes her a very unhappy baby. I should have bought stock in mylicon drops with the way we use them (one dose with every feeding).
Nugget is also going through a growth spurt. She eats a tons and since only one of my breasts seems to produce milk (I will explain more later) she needs to be supplemented with formula after some feedings. I have nicknamed her shark week because she is such hungry and an aggressive feeder, I should have never watched the Discovery Channel. I am scared that when she gets her teeth that our breastfeeding days may be over... I will still pump though. Also, formula is making her dirty diapers a bit on the smelly side. Nothing says fun like stinky formula diapers!
So, as I mentioned earlier only one of my boobs works! It is a cup size bigger and when I pump I get 3 oz from the right and less then one from the left. I try to stimulate it by having her feed on the left and by pumping regularly but it is just a dud boob. This makes her feeding a bit harder since the right side can get sore and empty fast. I have to give her formula but I am not going to stress, it is what it is!
A quick STBXH update:
He is not in prison yet and after talking to my lawyer it seems that some kind of visitation s going to happen so I am trying to work something out with him where his sister and her husband are both there and it is in a neutral location. I have talked to him a few time and I have a hard time understanding how things are they way they are. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. That is why I am in therapy and he just started seeing a psychologist as well. I am staying out of the court case. He will make a plea deal and as for sentencing I am not going to make a statement for or against him. I just do not want to be involved at all. That is it for now.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Nugget is here!
Sunday night (7/18/10) I woke up to some mild contractions. They were about 10 mins apart but they stopped after about an hour... So I thought Monday would be the day that real labor started so I called off work.
I devoted the day to taking short walks and finishing everything around the house. I had a dinner with a friend from out of town that night and my mom went with me and i used an iphone app to time the mild contractions I was still having. At this point they were pretty painless but 6 mins apart. Suddenly in the middle of dinner they stopped
. I only had a few more before 9 and I gave up and went to bed at 9:45pm.At 10:51 exactly I woke up to my first true contraction. I started to time them. 5 mins apart and too painful to speak through! After an hour we went to L&D. I got there around 12:30am and after being checked I was 5cm!! We were really doing this! My mom and I called my Dad, sister and my MIL.
I labored naturally using the Bradley method. Things were going really well too. It was painful of course and I did have cranky moment but for the most part it was a very calm environment. That is until my check around 4am...
The nurse all of a sudden gets a weird look on her face and announces that I am 6cm but she thinks she just felt "female parts". Bring in the resident who then does her own internal (she was not gentle) and says she thinks LO may just be face up (great!). Now comes the u/s and what do you know... Her head is up by my ribs! How did my doc miss this? Or did she flipped within a 3 day period? Oh well it's C-section time!
Within 45mins I was prepped and on the table ready for surgery with my mom by my side. It went super smoothly! The team working on me were all great and my mom got a lot of good pics of the procedure too. Nugget was born at 5:03am, weighed 7lbs 3ozs and was 20.5in long.
I am so glad to have my baby in my arms, happy and healthy and so beautiful :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
2cm Dilated
I am 2cm dilated! 60% effaced and station 1! Yikes it could be any time now!
With all of the drama in my life I just want a new focus. I am so excited to have this little girl in my arms.
I have told STBXH that he is not permitted to attend the birth or come down after. Giving birth is going to be so emotionally and physically taxing the last thing I need is to be reminded of everything he did to me and our family.
I am as ready as possible for this baby. I have washed the clothing, set up the crib, I have diapers, wipes and both of our bags are packed :)
With all of the drama in my life I just want a new focus. I am so excited to have this little girl in my arms.
I have told STBXH that he is not permitted to attend the birth or come down after. Giving birth is going to be so emotionally and physically taxing the last thing I need is to be reminded of everything he did to me and our family.
I am as ready as possible for this baby. I have washed the clothing, set up the crib, I have diapers, wipes and both of our bags are packed :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
"So you are giving up?"
I talked to STBXH (Soon to be ex-husband) yesterday and everytime I do it is extremely hard.
I told him that I didn't want to talk to him much if at all, that I didn't want him at the birth and that I was unsure that he would even be involved with his daughter when she arrives. He sounded so heartbroken and I know he is, but he made the bad choices that lead me to these decisions. He asked me about our marriage and I told him I did not trust him and would never trust him in a relationship ever again. His response was:
"So you are giving up?"
Really? I am giving up!?! You cheated on me and got arrested trying to meet up with a teenager! You gave up on this marriage before it had a chance to start. You are now facing federal charges that could land you in jail for at least 5 years and would have you labeled as a sex offender (a pedophile no less).
How dare he try to make me feel guilty.
I told him that I didn't want to talk to him much if at all, that I didn't want him at the birth and that I was unsure that he would even be involved with his daughter when she arrives. He sounded so heartbroken and I know he is, but he made the bad choices that lead me to these decisions. He asked me about our marriage and I told him I did not trust him and would never trust him in a relationship ever again. His response was:
"So you are giving up?"
Really? I am giving up!?! You cheated on me and got arrested trying to meet up with a teenager! You gave up on this marriage before it had a chance to start. You are now facing federal charges that could land you in jail for at least 5 years and would have you labeled as a sex offender (a pedophile no less).
How dare he try to make me feel guilty.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Update on Life (and my trip to NH/VT)
Update on latest news:
First off, I am feeling physically fine. The baby is doing well and that is what is important.
Looks like my future X is going away for a while. Maybe more than 5 years. My parents went to public records to read the transcripts, evidence and charges against him... and it is worse then anyone thought.
The file claims there are hundreds of pictures on his old computer (not the one we shared). I really can't say anymore because it makes me feel ill and upsets me too much.
I wanted to believe that this wasn't as bad as it seemed. Leaving him was never up for debate really I knew I couldn't ever trust him completely again. Now I don't trust him at all.
New Hampshire/Vermont Trip
This past weekend I was in Vermont for my cousin's wedding and it was beautiful. I did have to excuse myself for a minute because I started to cry and didn't want to sob in front of the whole reception. Overall though, it was wonderful. They were so happy and in love. All 3 of my cousin's (all young men now) are great examples of what a man should be. I will never give up the belief in true love, but for now my focus is on the most inprotant love in my life, my daughter.
First off, I am feeling physically fine. The baby is doing well and that is what is important.
Looks like my future X is going away for a while. Maybe more than 5 years. My parents went to public records to read the transcripts, evidence and charges against him... and it is worse then anyone thought.
The file claims there are hundreds of pictures on his old computer (not the one we shared). I really can't say anymore because it makes me feel ill and upsets me too much.
I wanted to believe that this wasn't as bad as it seemed. Leaving him was never up for debate really I knew I couldn't ever trust him completely again. Now I don't trust him at all.
New Hampshire/Vermont Trip
This past weekend I was in Vermont for my cousin's wedding and it was beautiful. I did have to excuse myself for a minute because I started to cry and didn't want to sob in front of the whole reception. Overall though, it was wonderful. They were so happy and in love. All 3 of my cousin's (all young men now) are great examples of what a man should be. I will never give up the belief in true love, but for now my focus is on the most inprotant love in my life, my daughter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
