Flashes of Sad

Even in the depths of extreme happiness there can be flashes of sadness. Planning a wedding and a life together are fun and exciting, but then there are small practical things that get you. My name. Nugget's name. I want to have my husband's name, but I want my child to share my name as well. I was explaining the process of getting married to Nugget and that a lot of women (and some men) change their last name. I told her I will most like have two last names (hyphenate). She expressed the desire to take my Fiance's last name too. She wants to be an Anderson-Smith*, and she kept saying her name out loud with both last names each time for over 5 mins.

It really hurts my heart that the laws in OH make it very hard for me to let my child share the last name of the family she wants to be recognized as. She will always be told that no matter what her last name is she is loved more than anything by her mom and her Dad. Yes, her Dad. The man that has known her since birth, supported and loved her her since age 3. Nugget tells me all the time that when I am married she will call my Fiance "Dad" and that she wants to and is excited to have "the best dad ever!". The happiness I feel cannot be described. They are wonderful together.

After I am married I will ask my X to give up his parental rights. He will most likely say no, which is his right in our state, but I will push. Nugget deserves it.

I am engaged!

Well readers... I am engaged!

My fiance and I have been a couple for 8 months and close friends for almost 14 years. I am overjoyed and happy.

There are still going to be many struggle ahead, but I am glad to have a great partner by my side.

He asked me and gave me a beautiful ring while we were our of town on a mini getaway. When we got home he gave Nugget a locket and let her know he wanted us all to be a family. It was super sweet.

One month to go!!

I will be 30 in one month! Last year I made a list in hopes of having 30 new experiences before I hit 30. I think it is time to check in and see how it is going and what I need to do this month!

1. Run a 5k - I did it! I ran in 2 races this past year. One was a 2 mile and one was a 5k. 

2. Eat only organic/unprocessed for at least 1 week - Not only did I do this, I took it a step further! I went vegan for a week. Clean eating VEGAN! It was a great success and I have made a lot of changes to how I eat.

3. Take a new class at the community center - Nugget and I took a swimming class together. I was only there to help her, but it was a class!

4. Make something my daughter can keep forever - I finally caught up on her baby book. I wrote lots of letters to her in it and made sure she understood our journey.

5. Go on a date - I not only went on a date, I started a relationship with a wonderful guy. 

6. Volunteer in the community

7. Apply for a dream job, even if I am not completely qualified

8. See a professional ballet performance - I did not go to the ballet, but I went to a Broadway musical while it was touring in Columbus.

9. Get in the best shape of my life - I dropped my cholesterol and am on my way to being super fit! I have one month to get there!

10. Buy a new car 

11. Give myself a makeover and try a more standout lip color - I have redone my hair and makeup. I think I have gotten a better hold on it.

12. Try to get something published (a short story, article or poem… maybe a Lifetime original script ;) ) - I submitted some stuff... but no luck. I did try!

13. Have a savings account with at least $1500 in it

14. Sell a painting

15. Record a song, even if is just for me to see/hear

16. Adopt a pet - My guy and got a dog, granted it is mostly his right now, but we made the decision together.

17. Get a tattoo - Done!

18. Have my first mammogram

19. See a dermatologist and have my freckles checked - Check!

20. Print out my pictures and make a family photo album for Nugget and I - Done! 

21. Go one day without spending any money, maybe two - Yep!

22. Visit Disney or other major theme park

23. Try to be an extra in a film

24. Audition for something 

25. Take Nugget to her first baseball game - This is on the schedule!

26. Buy myself good piece of jewelry - Actually my sister bought me a Tiffany bracelet. 

27. Make myself a piece of jewelry - Does a friendship bracelet count? I think it does! I also sewed a scarf... so I am crafty!

28. Write letters, by hand, to friends that have moved far away 

29. Make a music video with my Daughter - Done! thank you FROZEN

30. Learn to drive a stick shift

31. Learn a foreign language, enough to have a simple conversation - Pasé tiempo practicar a mi español

Other Random things I have accomplished this year that were not on the list:

I was lucky enough to get  small title change at work. Nothing major, but I was given the opportunity to earn more time off and have a more flexible schedule. 

I visited the city I have been dreaming about moving to, Charleston, SC. I loved it and still have a desire to live there someday.

I have made a lot of new friends.

Letter From Prison: He won't go away

I got a letter from prison yesterday.

The short version is "I know you have never answered any of my past letters, but I am hoping this will change. I am not asking much Becca, I just want to know about Nugget's well being and a little about her life."

Readers, I will de-code this for all of you:

"Becca, it really bothers me that you have chosen to ignore my communication. My loss of control over you makes me feel angry and the lack of validation scares me. Maybe if I ask about Nugget over and over you will relent and at least send me a short reply. Maybe if I only ask for basic info on her general well being I can possibly get my foot in the door? I am hoping you are too stupid to realize that my parents visit me once or twice a month and share that information with me already. I want you to feel sorry for ME so I can see that YOU care. If you show me you care, even a tiny bit, I may be able manipulate you. If I can have a family to come back to when I get out of prison then other people will see me as normal and I can reestablish myself in a community... because I AM totally normal..."

You have to be able to ready between the lines. He already gets basic info from his parents, he doesn't need it from me. He has never admitted to be a sicko, even though he admitted to downloading pics of children, he said it was a mistake... one he made about 600 times.. When he had supervised visits (before he was convicted) he spent the whole time talking to ME and trying to get me to speak on his behalf to the courts. He didn't give to shits about Nugget.

I am a very positive person, but some days I get angry just like anyone else. I am currently getting ready to write a few letters to send out to Senators, Congressmen and State Rep in hopes that I may be able to get the ball rolling on sever the rights of those in OH convicted of crimes against children.