At night things are always worse and I could not stand the silence. The first two nights were the worst. I was like small child with nightmares, only my nightmares were real. When I felt like the walls were closing in on me I would call for my mother. She would sit with me until I was all cried out. The littlest things would set me off. Waking up in a twin bed, alone or washing the baby clothes meant for my unborn child. I once had to run out of my office at work and spend an hour in the parking garage crying because I couldn’t even calm down enough to drive. This period lasted about a week before I started to force myself to get it together. I had more than just myself to think about.
I couldn’t watch the news or even the local stations because his mug shot was all over the news and the commercials leading up to the broadcasts. “Local High School Coach Arrested for Sex Crimes”. My TV was tuned into the Nick at Night channel almost 24/7. It was the only channel that did not have news broadcasts or any Law and Order type shows that were now a little too real for me to watch. I would wake up from a nightmare and see Steve Urkel, in his suspenders, looking back at me. In a weird way it would bring me back from darkness, fear and confusion that now lived in my dreams. The studio audience laughing and the wacky antics were enough to lull me back to sleep eventually. It was one of my crutches, Nick at Night.
The shower was where I let myself have my moments. Outside of therapy, the shower was my place to purge my emotions. I cried and choked on my misery. I talked to myself sometimes. I would rattle off the facts. “X was arrested. He tried to meet a 15 year old in order to have sex with her. He has been downloading child pornography. He admitted to everything. He is sick and not the man I thought he was.” Other times I would just barely cough out the word “Why?” And then I would talk to my child. Rub my very pregnant belly and tell her that I will protect her. That I will try my best to make sure she is happy and that her life is as normal as possible. I will always try. I would then wash all of the sorrow down the drain. After leaving the bathroom I would feel lighter. The equivalent of an athlete “leaving it on the field.” the rest of day I stay focused on tiny goals. Do my work, eat my food, clear my mind. Over time I would have happy moments and it continued to get better.
These were some of my darkest moments. A lot of the time nobody saw this. I didn’t want people to think I was losing it. The funny thing is… after a while… the robotic state I was in for a while, as I pretended to be strong, faded and became real… like I forced it upon myself, my own type of conditioning.
I couldn’t watch the news or even the local stations because his mug shot was all over the news and the commercials leading up to the broadcasts. “Local High School Coach Arrested for Sex Crimes”. My TV was tuned into the Nick at Night channel almost 24/7. It was the only channel that did not have news broadcasts or any Law and Order type shows that were now a little too real for me to watch. I would wake up from a nightmare and see Steve Urkel, in his suspenders, looking back at me. In a weird way it would bring me back from darkness, fear and confusion that now lived in my dreams. The studio audience laughing and the wacky antics were enough to lull me back to sleep eventually. It was one of my crutches, Nick at Night.
The shower was where I let myself have my moments. Outside of therapy, the shower was my place to purge my emotions. I cried and choked on my misery. I talked to myself sometimes. I would rattle off the facts. “X was arrested. He tried to meet a 15 year old in order to have sex with her. He has been downloading child pornography. He admitted to everything. He is sick and not the man I thought he was.” Other times I would just barely cough out the word “Why?” And then I would talk to my child. Rub my very pregnant belly and tell her that I will protect her. That I will try my best to make sure she is happy and that her life is as normal as possible. I will always try. I would then wash all of the sorrow down the drain. After leaving the bathroom I would feel lighter. The equivalent of an athlete “leaving it on the field.” the rest of day I stay focused on tiny goals. Do my work, eat my food, clear my mind. Over time I would have happy moments and it continued to get better.
These were some of my darkest moments. A lot of the time nobody saw this. I didn’t want people to think I was losing it. The funny thing is… after a while… the robotic state I was in for a while, as I pretended to be strong, faded and became real… like I forced it upon myself, my own type of conditioning.
1 comment:
I still have moments in which I just can't believe everything. I remember to dark moments I had the first couple days alone in the hospital. We are going to work our dream--- Beach house/book writing.
<3
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