Yesterday I spent most of my time in the Franklin County Courthouse. I will say at least it is an entertaining place... lots of good people watching to do there! I was there for my divorce pre-trial and even though I knew I had a major upper hand I was still a ball of nerves.
I did not go to the temporary orders hearing previously held, because my lawyer reccomended I sit that one out, but I went to the pre-trial. I wanted the judge to see my face. I wanted her to look at the woman who was defending her daughter from the absent criminal. My blonde hair, young innocent face spattered with freckles... I also wanted her to see my genuine reactions. If I cried I wanted her to feel it. I wasn't putting up a front, I wanted her to see the true me.
As I sat at the table with my lawyer the Honorable Judge Kim Brown proceeded to ask her questions.
"What could we possibly be fighting over in this divorce?"
I liked her already. It seemed obvious to her that this should be easy. My X's lawyer spoke up about wanting visitation... the Judge practically cut him off by saying there was "NO WAY" she would grant prison visits. I liked her even more. She then asked why X was in prison...
"What was he convicted of?" asked Judge Brown
The lawyer seemd a little flustered by what I thought was an obvious question, but eventually responded
"Receipt of child pornagraphy"
There was a collective gasp in the courtroom by the couple waiting to be seen after us, the baliff and the courtroom secretary. I guess I forgot how fresh it can feel to hear those words... how raw and frightening. Not that I am numb to it, but it is a very real and scary part of my life. I do not have time to be shocked by it anymore.
Judge Brown gave a very exagerated side-eyed glance towards X's lawyer. She was on my side. I felt a sense of relief. Everything went pretty fast after that. Since we technically do not agree to the terms of our divorce we set a trial date. I am hoping that X will take what the Judge said to heart and just sign the papers before then... but who knows!?
I am glad I went. I am glad it went well. Most of all I am glad my daughter is safe for now.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Acceptance..
I am in this stage now. I have not completely gotten there... maybe because he is dragging out the divorce... maybe because I will never accept what he did.
When someone dies, you accept their death. Inside you know they are at peace and in turn so are you even if you miss them. My situation is different of course. The death here was the death of a future, a dream and a sense of security. I have accepted the dream is gone. I do not love this man anymore. I accept that my daughter will never have a normal relationship with her biological father. I accept that I could do nothing to change this situation. I accept that none of this was my fault.
However there are things that can not be as easy as forgive and forget. I can forgive him for hurting me, not for playing a part in hurting children. Forgetting is completely out of the question. It is just plain UNSAFE to forget what he has done. That is the issue I have with my mother-in-law, the fact that she wants to forgive and forget. This crime is not one that can be pushed into the back of our minds. There are no clean slates with a pedophile. There will always be a part of him that is sick and pretending that he can change puts my daughter in danger.
I will never allow my child to be alone with him. I will fight against his family supervising any visits. In fact, I will fight any kind of visitation at all... though I know that there is a high probability that they will happen someday... under state supervision most likely... I know this man will fight for visitation without supervision or with lax supervision of his parents who surely trust him enough to leave him alone with her... It terrifies me. His mother will pay for his fight because she believes in him. Unfortunately, this means I no longer trust her. I can not accept her support for my X.
Acceptance is a mixed bag for me. The idea is nice... accept and move on. Yet, I know that he will never stop pushing. Trying to control me in anyway he can. Terrorizing me with complaint after complaint, possibly holding my life under a microscope. How can this ever be conducive to forgive and forget? To acceptance?
When someone dies, you accept their death. Inside you know they are at peace and in turn so are you even if you miss them. My situation is different of course. The death here was the death of a future, a dream and a sense of security. I have accepted the dream is gone. I do not love this man anymore. I accept that my daughter will never have a normal relationship with her biological father. I accept that I could do nothing to change this situation. I accept that none of this was my fault.
However there are things that can not be as easy as forgive and forget. I can forgive him for hurting me, not for playing a part in hurting children. Forgetting is completely out of the question. It is just plain UNSAFE to forget what he has done. That is the issue I have with my mother-in-law, the fact that she wants to forgive and forget. This crime is not one that can be pushed into the back of our minds. There are no clean slates with a pedophile. There will always be a part of him that is sick and pretending that he can change puts my daughter in danger.
I will never allow my child to be alone with him. I will fight against his family supervising any visits. In fact, I will fight any kind of visitation at all... though I know that there is a high probability that they will happen someday... under state supervision most likely... I know this man will fight for visitation without supervision or with lax supervision of his parents who surely trust him enough to leave him alone with her... It terrifies me. His mother will pay for his fight because she believes in him. Unfortunately, this means I no longer trust her. I can not accept her support for my X.
Acceptance is a mixed bag for me. The idea is nice... accept and move on. Yet, I know that he will never stop pushing. Trying to control me in anyway he can. Terrorizing me with complaint after complaint, possibly holding my life under a microscope. How can this ever be conducive to forgive and forget? To acceptance?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Stage 5 & 6: Guilt & Depression
GUILT: This stage sucks. No matter how level headed you think you are there is a time where you will go through something devastating and think it is all your fault. You feel consumed with "If only I...?" and "I should have..."
In my head I KNEW it wasn't my fault in the least, yet there was that voice. The only that had been bargaining with me earlier. Some of this post may be TMI... so here is your warning. I just want to put out there what was really going on in my head at the time.
As I have said before, I was pregnant at the time of X's arrest. I had been on pelvic rest because of some bleeding issues that the doctor could not pin down. Pelvic rest means I can't participate in anything but light activity and no sex or any relations that would lead to possible orgasm. I was put on pelvic rest for about 5 months out of my 9 month pregnancy. Between that time we were for the most part scared to do anything. We had sex 3 times the whole time I was pregnant. Normally I am a very sexual person (when in a committed relationship) so this was hard on me. I however loved my baby and would not go against doctors orders, X didn't pressure me.
What if I had been able to continue a normal sexual relationship? Would he have gotten lost in the sick world or child porn? The true answer is most likely, yes. I could have had sex with him every single day and he would probably have ended up in the same place. Why did I feel guilty then? I felt like I let my marriage down by not being physically there for my husband.
I should have snooped more... I should have known or had a feeling about what he was doing. Why did I know nothing!? I could have found out before we were married and not have to spend money on a divorce. I could have saved my daughter from having him for a father.... but then again I wouldn't have Caroline, cause she is part of him... the only decent part. I still feel guilty for my daughter having a sicko for a father.
DEPRESSION: I spent a lot of time crying. I once left work because I could not keep myself together. I tried to drive home, but pulled over into a parking lot to practically wail in pain because it all hit me so hard. There were nights when I went into my mom's room and got her out of bed so she could sit with me while fell apart. I left the TV on all the time because I feared silence. Silence let the thoughts and pain in. I had to make sure the tv was not on a local channel for fear that I would see my X's mugshot run across the screen or hear the story running... I couldn't take it being thrown in my face. I avoided one of my favorite shows (Law and Order: SVU), it became too real... I felt like I complete break at any moment. Had I not been pregnant I would have crumbled.
I became a single mother, with little money, living with my parents. This was not what I had imagined for me and my daughter. I had to have a c-section after a planning for a natural birth and I did not have a husband by my side holding my hand. I watch lots of c-sections on tv... loving fathers kissing the forehead of the mothers to be... not in my OR. Then after Caroline arrived she had colic... I had little help at night when she would wake... I was a mess. I missed having a partner, especially then when I felt I needed it most.
I would lie in bed with my screaming child on my chest and sing to her with tears running down the sides of my face. Quietly sobbing out the words to "Baby Mine" from Dumbo. I would tell her how sorry I was that she didn't have a father there. I talked to her often, like Iwas talking to a grown version of my daughter. Letting her know that I would try my best and how she deserved so much more than I could ever give on my own... but I would try. I would always try my best to protect her.... then we would cry together. A person should not have to produce that amount of tears in a lifetime... especially when it could be avoided.
In my head I KNEW it wasn't my fault in the least, yet there was that voice. The only that had been bargaining with me earlier. Some of this post may be TMI... so here is your warning. I just want to put out there what was really going on in my head at the time.
As I have said before, I was pregnant at the time of X's arrest. I had been on pelvic rest because of some bleeding issues that the doctor could not pin down. Pelvic rest means I can't participate in anything but light activity and no sex or any relations that would lead to possible orgasm. I was put on pelvic rest for about 5 months out of my 9 month pregnancy. Between that time we were for the most part scared to do anything. We had sex 3 times the whole time I was pregnant. Normally I am a very sexual person (when in a committed relationship) so this was hard on me. I however loved my baby and would not go against doctors orders, X didn't pressure me.
What if I had been able to continue a normal sexual relationship? Would he have gotten lost in the sick world or child porn? The true answer is most likely, yes. I could have had sex with him every single day and he would probably have ended up in the same place. Why did I feel guilty then? I felt like I let my marriage down by not being physically there for my husband.
I should have snooped more... I should have known or had a feeling about what he was doing. Why did I know nothing!? I could have found out before we were married and not have to spend money on a divorce. I could have saved my daughter from having him for a father.... but then again I wouldn't have Caroline, cause she is part of him... the only decent part. I still feel guilty for my daughter having a sicko for a father.
DEPRESSION: I spent a lot of time crying. I once left work because I could not keep myself together. I tried to drive home, but pulled over into a parking lot to practically wail in pain because it all hit me so hard. There were nights when I went into my mom's room and got her out of bed so she could sit with me while fell apart. I left the TV on all the time because I feared silence. Silence let the thoughts and pain in. I had to make sure the tv was not on a local channel for fear that I would see my X's mugshot run across the screen or hear the story running... I couldn't take it being thrown in my face. I avoided one of my favorite shows (Law and Order: SVU), it became too real... I felt like I complete break at any moment. Had I not been pregnant I would have crumbled.
I became a single mother, with little money, living with my parents. This was not what I had imagined for me and my daughter. I had to have a c-section after a planning for a natural birth and I did not have a husband by my side holding my hand. I watch lots of c-sections on tv... loving fathers kissing the forehead of the mothers to be... not in my OR. Then after Caroline arrived she had colic... I had little help at night when she would wake... I was a mess. I missed having a partner, especially then when I felt I needed it most.
I would lie in bed with my screaming child on my chest and sing to her with tears running down the sides of my face. Quietly sobbing out the words to "Baby Mine" from Dumbo. I would tell her how sorry I was that she didn't have a father there. I talked to her often, like Iwas talking to a grown version of my daughter. Letting her know that I would try my best and how she deserved so much more than I could ever give on my own... but I would try. I would always try my best to protect her.... then we would cry together. A person should not have to produce that amount of tears in a lifetime... especially when it could be avoided.
Monday, June 6, 2011
One Year Later...
My X was arrested a year ago today. I have been through a lot, struggled, pushed myself, fell down, got back up.... but I made it.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel hopeless. Lives can be torn apart due to many factors. In this life there are always others who have it worse than you do, so remember to push yourself. Never go backwards and never stand still. Put your head down and even if you move 0.001cm... keep moving forward, eventually you will find happiness again. I did.
Living proof that no matter what, it will get better.
What did I do this year?
To all that read this, PLEASE remember this... it will get better. I promise. Never give up.
Thank you to all of my friends and family that have supported me this past year. You are all amazing.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel hopeless. Lives can be torn apart due to many factors. In this life there are always others who have it worse than you do, so remember to push yourself. Never go backwards and never stand still. Put your head down and even if you move 0.001cm... keep moving forward, eventually you will find happiness again. I did.
Living proof that no matter what, it will get better.
What did I do this year?
- I watch the police search my home
- I learned my husband was a pedophile
- I left my husband
- I moved in with my parents
- I watched my cousin get married
- I gave birth to my daughter
- I reconnected with friends
- I was there for my friends when they lost their family in a house fire.
- I struggled through breastfeeding
- I returned to work full time
- I celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years as a single mom
- I watched my X's court dates blasted across our local news.
- I watched my cousins become parents
- I went to therapy
- I was in my best friend's wedding
- I gave a statement to the court on why my X should be in prison
- I got a promotion
- I lost weight
- I got closer to some amazing women
- I laughed, smiled, hugged and loved those around me
- I watched my amazing child grow and mature
- I met someone special
- I survived.
To all that read this, PLEASE remember this... it will get better. I promise. Never give up.
Thank you to all of my friends and family that have supported me this past year. You are all amazing.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Step 4: Bargaining
This stage was pretty short for me, yet it was one of the most complicated and honestly the hardest to share. My thoughts during this time were kinda twisted. I am thankful that I kept my head on straight. I actually think this stage came before anger in my situation so it may seem as though I have gone backwards... bear with me.
The end of a marriage is always tough. The end of a marriage because of betrayal is devastating. The end of my marriage was beyond anything you could imagine. I had a loving, caring and devoted husband one day and a criminal ex the next. I had to deal with layers of deceit. He lied. He cheated. He placed ads on the Internet looking for partners. He tried to have sex with an a woman he thought was 15. He had a porn addiction. He downloaded underage pornography on OUR computer... on and almost daily basis... while I was at work... while he was supposed to be setting up our daughter's nursery.
Now try to get all of that info thrown in your face while you are 8 months pregnant, 2 days after your baby shower... My head was not on right. Not 6 hours before he called you at work to make sure you were feeling OK because you had a headache that morning... just wanted me to know that he loved me... Now everything I thought he was is gone.
I had the strangest thoughts, like: If only the person he was talking to was 18... If the porn had been legal we could have worked through it. Maybe he was just depressed (he had lost a job recently) and was temporarily out of his mind? He told me he was turning around to leave the meeting site when he was arrested, so maybe he wasn't going through with it? If the girls on the computer were close to 18 then that makes it less sick right? If they were almost 18 then he is not THAT bad of a criminal... I mean guys are always counting down to when certain movie stars are 18 (ie Emma Watson, the Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus...) so that isn't too bad, right?
That was my bargaining stage. Trying to work things out to make everything seem less severe. Trying to make the man I loved less of a criminal. After all, he had never shown me anything that ever made me think he had this problem. Not beyond once dating an 18 year old in the past, but he was younger then too... As the scenarios went through my head I knew my thoughts were all dumb. He was sick. He was deep into a secret life and could not be trusted. The fact of the matter is there were videos with girls as young as 4 years old, his keyword search showed him searching for pre-teen hardcore videos. As I write this my stomach turns all over again. It was BAD and it kept getting worse.
Thank GOD I listened to my inner voice. The amount of women that stand by there significant others during these trials amazes me and I am proud of myself for breaking through the bullshit. I think it is all of the little "bargains" these other women make in their heads that confuses them. They want to believe they could not be in love with a sicko... well you can... sometimes what you don't know CAN hurt you and your family. You just have to be strong enough to walk away.
The end of a marriage is always tough. The end of a marriage because of betrayal is devastating. The end of my marriage was beyond anything you could imagine. I had a loving, caring and devoted husband one day and a criminal ex the next. I had to deal with layers of deceit. He lied. He cheated. He placed ads on the Internet looking for partners. He tried to have sex with an a woman he thought was 15. He had a porn addiction. He downloaded underage pornography on OUR computer... on and almost daily basis... while I was at work... while he was supposed to be setting up our daughter's nursery.
Now try to get all of that info thrown in your face while you are 8 months pregnant, 2 days after your baby shower... My head was not on right. Not 6 hours before he called you at work to make sure you were feeling OK because you had a headache that morning... just wanted me to know that he loved me... Now everything I thought he was is gone.
I had the strangest thoughts, like: If only the person he was talking to was 18... If the porn had been legal we could have worked through it. Maybe he was just depressed (he had lost a job recently) and was temporarily out of his mind? He told me he was turning around to leave the meeting site when he was arrested, so maybe he wasn't going through with it? If the girls on the computer were close to 18 then that makes it less sick right? If they were almost 18 then he is not THAT bad of a criminal... I mean guys are always counting down to when certain movie stars are 18 (ie Emma Watson, the Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus...) so that isn't too bad, right?
That was my bargaining stage. Trying to work things out to make everything seem less severe. Trying to make the man I loved less of a criminal. After all, he had never shown me anything that ever made me think he had this problem. Not beyond once dating an 18 year old in the past, but he was younger then too... As the scenarios went through my head I knew my thoughts were all dumb. He was sick. He was deep into a secret life and could not be trusted. The fact of the matter is there were videos with girls as young as 4 years old, his keyword search showed him searching for pre-teen hardcore videos. As I write this my stomach turns all over again. It was BAD and it kept getting worse.
Thank GOD I listened to my inner voice. The amount of women that stand by there significant others during these trials amazes me and I am proud of myself for breaking through the bullshit. I think it is all of the little "bargains" these other women make in their heads that confuses them. They want to believe they could not be in love with a sicko... well you can... sometimes what you don't know CAN hurt you and your family. You just have to be strong enough to walk away.
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