Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Stage 5 & 6: Guilt & Depression

GUILT: This stage sucks. No matter how level headed you think you are there is a time where you will go through something devastating and think it is all your fault. You feel consumed with "If only I...?" and "I should have..."

In my head I KNEW it wasn't my fault in the least, yet there was that voice. The only that had been bargaining with me earlier. Some of this post may be TMI... so here is your warning. I just want to put out there what was really going on in my head at the time.

As I have said before, I was pregnant at the time of X's arrest. I had been on pelvic rest because of some bleeding issues that the doctor could not pin down. Pelvic rest means I can't participate in anything but light activity and no sex or any relations that would lead to possible orgasm. I was put on pelvic rest for about 5 months out of my 9 month pregnancy. Between that time we were for the most part scared to do anything. We had sex 3 times the whole time I was pregnant. Normally I am a very sexual person (when in a committed relationship) so this was hard on me. I however loved my baby and would not go against doctors orders, X didn't pressure me.

What if I had been able to continue a normal sexual relationship? Would he have gotten lost in the sick world or child porn? The true answer is most likely, yes. I could have had sex with him every single day and he would probably have ended up in the same place. Why did I feel guilty then? I felt like I let my marriage down by not being physically there for my husband.

I should have snooped more... I should have known or had a feeling about what he was doing. Why did I know nothing!? I could have found out before we were married and not have to spend money on a divorce. I could have saved my daughter from having him for a father.... but then again I wouldn't have Caroline, cause she is part of him... the only decent part. I still feel guilty for my daughter having a sicko for a father.

DEPRESSION: I spent a lot of time crying. I once left work because I could not keep myself together. I tried to drive home, but pulled over into a parking lot to practically wail in pain because it all hit me so hard. There were nights when I went into my mom's room and got her out of bed so she could sit with me while fell apart. I left the TV on all the time because I feared silence. Silence let the thoughts and pain in. I had to make sure the tv was not on a local channel for fear that I would see my X's mugshot run across the screen or hear the story running... I couldn't take it being thrown in my face. I avoided one of my favorite shows (Law and Order: SVU), it became too real... I felt like I complete break at any moment. Had I not been pregnant I would have crumbled.

I became a single mother, with little money, living with my parents. This was not what I had imagined for me and my daughter. I had to have a c-section after a planning for a natural birth and I did not have a husband by my side holding my hand. I watch lots of c-sections on tv... loving fathers kissing the forehead of the mothers to be... not in my OR. Then after Caroline arrived she had colic... I had little help at night when she would wake... I was a mess. I missed having a partner, especially then when I felt I needed it most.

I would lie in bed with my screaming child on my chest and sing to her with tears running down the sides of my face. Quietly sobbing out the words to "Baby Mine" from Dumbo. I would tell her how sorry I was that she didn't have a father there. I talked to her often, like Iwas talking to a grown version of my daughter. Letting her know that I would try my best and how she deserved so much more than I could ever give on my own... but I would try. I would always try my best to protect her.... then we would cry together. A person should not have to produce that amount of tears in a lifetime... especially when it could be avoided.

1 comment:

Erin said...

Our stories are so different, yet so similar. The "What if I had been more available for sex?" question is one that still haunts me as well as the guilt that my children don't have a father, but are the product of a man with severe mental issues. It's overwhelming. You're not alone, my friend :)