Friday, June 10, 2011


I am in this stage now. I have not completely gotten there... maybe because he is dragging out the divorce... maybe because I will never accept what he did.

When someone dies, you accept their death. Inside you know they are at peace and in turn so are you even if you miss them. My situation is different of course. The death here was the death of a future, a dream and a sense of security. I have accepted the dream is gone. I do not love this man anymore. I accept that my daughter will never have a normal relationship with her biological father. I accept that I could do nothing to change this situation. I accept that none of this was my fault.

However there are things that can not be as easy as forgive and forget. I can forgive him for hurting me, not for playing a part in hurting children. Forgetting is completely out of the question. It is just plain UNSAFE to forget what he has done. That is the issue I have with my mother-in-law, the fact that she wants to forgive and forget. This crime is not one that can be pushed into the back of our minds. There are no clean slates with a pedophile. There will always be a part of him that is sick and pretending that he can change puts my daughter in danger.

I will never allow my child to be alone with him. I will fight against his family supervising any visits. In fact, I will fight any kind of visitation at all... though I know that there is a high probability that they will happen someday... under state supervision most likely... I know this man will fight for visitation without supervision or with lax supervision of his parents who surely trust him enough to leave him alone with her... It terrifies me. His mother will pay for his fight because she believes in him. Unfortunately, this means I no longer trust her. I can not accept her support for my X.

Acceptance is a mixed bag for me. The idea is nice... accept and move on. Yet, I know that he will never stop pushing. Trying to control me in anyway he can. Terrorizing me with complaint after complaint, possibly holding my life under a microscope. How can this ever be conducive to forgive and forget? To acceptance?

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