Friday, March 25, 2011

Papers turned in..

Divorce papers have been turned over to my lawyer. She said if he does not contest anything I could be divorced in about 2 months.

The past ten months has been full of peeks and valleys. I mean the series of events went like this:

Bought a house
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant
My husband was arrested
Found out he had tried to meet a undercover officer he thought was 15...
Kicked him out (within 24 hours had changed the locks)
Was told he downloaded under-age porn on our shared computer
Had my first child
Watched my husbands mug shot flashed on TV...
Lived through his court dates (I did not attend)
He finally goes to prison

In between he tried many times to explain why... How could there ever be a reason that would make me understand? There is no such reason. No such excuse. I should have never listen anyway.I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Our marriage had no red flags, maybe an orange flag, no red. The lies were many, but there were truths too. My counselor reminds me that it was not all a lie. "The man is sick and you will never be able to trust him again but there were pure and real moments." he will tell me. "He wanted to be your husband." and "He did love you." This fails to make me feel better.

The fact that the love of my life (so far) is a now convicted pedophile.. makes my stomach turn. Obviously the love I once felt is gone. I am working through the pain and devastation. I smile and joke and always try to be positive, but inside I sometimes question what is was about me that attracted him. What made me so appealing to someone like him? Is it cause I look younger than my age? The freckles? The fact that I am goofy and have a "child like" sense of humor? I don't know and I never will. It is all so emotional and confusing. Putting it into words is impossible, which is probably making this hard to follow... I apologize for that.

I want it to be over. I want to move on, but I am still chipping away at the cement of the walls I built up around me. They are still trying to protect me from the emotions I have yet to feel.

3 comments:

Shannon said...

Hey B, its Shannon from August Moms...
Don't question yourself about what it is that he was attracted to. This pedophiliac part of him is seperate from you, as hard as that may seem to realize or accept. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, my heart literally aches for you. Yes, he is a sick man, this is true. But, you are a STRONG WOMAN and that is even more true.
I hope having the divorce finalized will give you even more closure. C is so incredibly lucky to have a mama like you...she is going to grow up to be an amazing little lady :)

Bec614 said...

@Shannon

Thank you! These feelings come and go and lately they have been coming less and less. I have found counseling to be very helpful.
I am always moving forward, even if it is an inch a year, I will go forward and leave this crap behind me.

slwhatley said...

Wow. I am so sorry to read about your situation. I hope that things get better for you very soon. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother.