Cute and Annoying

How can certain things be so cute yet so annoying all at the same time?

When my daughter poops just as we are about to walk out the door in the morning… AHH! We are already running 5 mins behind (in morning traffic this makes a big difference) and now I have to change her! I run back to the pack ‘n’ play to do a quick change, so we can get on the road and she is still grunting. In other words she is not finished. Her face is totally red, her eyes are focused and her lips are squeezed together tight as she continues doing “her business”. I am going to be late most likely, but you can’t rush the process. She finally relaxes and I have now begun to remove the biohazard of a poopy diaper. She starts laughing and smiling. Probably a reaction to me laughing at her while she was pushing and I am sure she feels a lot better. She loves to look at me while I clean her stinky diapers and smile. It is so stinking cute. ::pun intended::

Nugget has also realized that she can blow bubbles and blow raspberries with her own saliva. Cute yes, but also messy. I feel like I need a raincoat when she really gets going. I know she is smart because she does it to get my attention. When she is quiet and out of nowhere I hear a raspberry break the silence I know she wants to see me, because if I don’t respond accordingly she will start crying, if I get there within 5 seconds she laughs. She is communicating with me! She is a genius! (Ok, I am done bragging now) On the flip side she is drooling all over another outfit and another burp clothe has now been saturated. The practical side of me is now thinking about doing laundry.

Both situations are CUTE and ANNOYING but let’s be honest it is mostly cute.

Why are people making my life harder

I am not the one who messed up. I have done nothing wrong. Just because The man I married had secrets and I did not know about parts of his life does not mean I can't be trusted to make decisions. There is no way I could have predicted his behavior. My therapist, the detectives and FBI agents all told me the same thing "the wives never know", "Most of the people around them don't have any idea or see any warning signs".

So, stop acting like you can't trust my judgement! There is nothing wrong with me. I am not stupid. I do not need anyone to "protect" me by reviewing and critisizing every decision I make. I have been speaking to my therapist (who was a social working for 15 years), the courts, pre-trial services and victim assistance. I have done nothing but make educated choices!

Ok, I am done. For now.

What being a single mom means to me

It means that the gas tank is never full...
It means a lot o poopy diapers...
It means free time is now task time...
It means more bills...
It means less money...
It means learning to do everything one handed...
It means having to ask for help...
It means tough decisions...
It means always feeling tired...
It means giving everything...
It means quick meals...
It means even quicker showers...
It means a pony tail counts as an up-do...
It means concealer... a lot of concealer...
It means every smile is yours and yours alone...
It means skipping/ripping some pages in the baby book...
It means vacation days are now reserved for baby's sick days...
It means every accomplishment is more meaningful...
It means love, heartbreak, pain, relief and new beginnings.

Why I cried: My real birth experience

This is the non-puppies and rainbows version of my birth story. I want to make sure it is known that there were a lot of happy moments during this experience too. I only tell people the good stuff when they ask about how it was to see my baby for the first time but, in reality it was a very raw experience for me and was filled with many conflicting emotions. Anyway... here it is:

My daughter was born 2 weeks early on a Tuesday morning at 5:03am. I went into labor at 10:50pm the night before with very painful contraction that were 5 mins apart right from the beginning. On my way to the hospital I called the baby’s father, my X, to let him know I was in active labor. We had been separated for 2 months at that point (he is living with his parents 2 hours away) and before that horrible day (when the police came to my door) I had always imagined him by my side for the birth of our daughter. Now I couldn’t imagine going through it with him there at all.
It was my mother in the driver’s seat that night. My sister and my dad came later to offer me support through my natural labor. My family was there to hold my hand, get me water and sit in silence as I concentrated and relaxed through my contractions. I pushed the thoughts of my husband out of my head. All of my energy was focused on delivering this baby into the most peaceful and loving environment I could provide.
At 4am the nurse/midwife came to check on my progress. I made it to 6cm but she had a look on her face that concerned me. Then she announced that she thought she felt a vagina… I jokingly said “Well, that would be mine!” and everyone laughed. The nurse called in the resident with an ultrasound machine to check on my baby’s position and Nugget was in fact breech. After about 5 hours of natural labor I was now being set up for a c-section. I called my X to update him and his family on the situation and he cried. I still had a mental block on him, I was very robotic when we spoke and I just told him that it was routine and I would be fine. As I hung up I felt scared and sad. I had of flash of feeling that hit me hard. For a second I really wanted him there to hold my hand, but I pushed it away.
I had so many unplanned events in my life leading up to this that a surprise c-section didn’t faze me. I was prepped, drugged and prepped some more before they led my mom into the room. The anesthesia made my upper body shake. My lips were quivering. My mom was so happy and excited she took pictures of the procedure over the curtain. I heard them call out that they had delivered her butt and her head soon followed. I heard my baby cry for the first time and my mom went to be by her side and take pictures. I was left alone.
With about 10 people in the room I felt alone. I looked over my right shoulder and saw the nurse cleaning my little girl as my mom took picture after picture. This is when I burst into tears. I felt everything at once; love, fear, loneliness, sadness and much more. I was so overcome that I choked on my tears, literally, because they should have been happy tears, tears of joy but I felt like it was stolen from me. Nothing was how it should be, not in a shallow “I didn’t get what I wanted” kind of way but in a very real heartbreaking way. I should have been sharing this with the loving husband I thought I had… She should have a father she could be proud of… How can I give her everything she needs??? Is there any way for her to have a normal life with everything that has happend??? Will I be enough for her??? These were the thoughts I had when I saw my child for the first time. Then I threw up. I hadn’t even touched her yet and I already felt like I had failed her.
My mother was given the baby and she brought her up to my face. I kissed her and I felt her skin on mine. I wanted to hold her but I was strapped to the table like Jesus on the cross and I was still shaking a lot. Having her close made me feel much better. I knew I loved her more than enough to make up for everything that had happened to us. She was beautiful, and I wanted the rest of the world to melt away.
I still cry thinking about the first moment I saw my little girl. I feel bitter and guilty that my first reaction was what it was. I wish it could have been all sunshine and rainbows but this is the reality. I kept it together for her for 2 months. I stayed as strong as I could to keep her healthy. I pushed a lot of emotion to the side so I wouldn’t have a breakdown while I was 8 & 9 months pregnant and it all hit me when I saw her little feet for the first time. She is and always has been my top priority. Above all else, I love her and without her I would be lost. We are going to be ok, more than ok.