What is in a name?: A letter to Juliet.

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;" -Juliet (Romoe and Juliet)

Dear Juliet,

You pose an interesting question. What IS in a name? Does changing your name really change who you are? How you feel? I am here to tell you that names do in fact hold a significant amount of power.

Every day your name is used hundreds of times. It is among the first words spoken during an introduction. When you send emails it sits in your signature, at the end of letters and when written in cursive can serve as pledge... a contractual promise to others. Nothing is legal without at least one signature. A name to seal a promise. When a woman changes her name and takes that of her husband it shows that she has made a pledge to him. The groom gives his name as a gift, to let his wife know that he wants to be bound to her. Now they are identified together as a unit.

A name identifies you. Like it or not words do carry more than just s dictionary definition, they hold meaning. Names are no different. They are a part of history, your family tree and your life. It is proven that bearing certain names can bring more prosperity. On the flip side there are also names that are shown to hinder a persons success in the workplace. There is a reason the use of the name Adolf, once popular in Germany, is practically extinct there now.

Now lets talk about this rose. If it were called a poopchute would the smell change? No, but poopchute isn't very poetic is it? Would a flower with a less melodious name be the subject of prose, sonnets or song? I argue it would not. Like the rose, I am the same under any name. Rebecca A or Rebecca X, I am always Becca... but under the name X I have suffered greatly. I am associated with a disgusting man and his crimes. I made the choice to not pass on this name to my daughter, she deserves better. I live for the day to be legally who I am spiritually "Rebecca A". To be set free from the name that has brought me no happiness.

You see Juliet. A name may not be everything, but it is something. I believe it is something so dearly important that a person should fight for it. I know this may be a hard concept to grasp as a 13-15 year old girl.... but I hope someday my daughter will look at me and thank me for giving her not only my maiden name, but my middle name. I know she will wear the name proudly and build on the already deep meaning they hold within our family.

In closing, Juliet, I suggest not getting to wrapped up in this Romeo character. Word on the street is that last week he was in love with some chick named Rosaline... just saying maybe you two should take it slow.

Sincerely the woman formally known and hopefully soon to be known as again,


Rebecca A

New design

Enjoy the new design... I just needed a change :)

She works hard for the money!

Donna Summer would be proud! I applied for a part time job yesterday to add to my already crazy schedule. I will be working two evenings a week and Saturdays. My mom and dad will be watching Nugget and my friend is my back up.

By putting in a little extra time I will be making an additional $400 (or close to it) a month. This will take me from "poor single mom" to "getting by but exhausted, single mom". In about a year I will be able to sell my condo and from the moment I sell the place I will go from "getting by" to "more than comfortable"!!

Also, if my X-MIL pays a portion of X's child support (like she said she would in court) then I will also be able to pay down the debt I have accumulated over the last year as a single mother with no child support. I will however not be counting on this money because ultimately it is not X-MIL's responsibility.

So, here I am filling a single mom stereo type. Working two jobs to get by and provide a better life for my baby. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I can see the day when there will be no stress over money and lets face it, 2 years of struggling is nothing compared to some people. I am thankful that I have found a way to make everything work!

Not Divorced Yet

Court today was at 10am, though it was delayed. Turns out my X thinks we need more time to work out an agreement. Since he is in prison he only gets 15 mins on the phone with his lawyer at a time. I know for a fact that prisoners can call more than once in a day though! All X needs to say is "I agree to the generous offer my soon-to-be-ex wife has suggested." That takes like 3 seconds?

Anyway... I had a feeling this would happen today, so I was sorta prepared. I get REALLY nervous on court days. I can't concentrate and it is hard for me to get things done at work. So even though I only had to be there for a couple hours I basically got nothing done today. I blame X for this too.

Sorry this post does not flow very well, but like I said I can barely focus. I just want to be divorced! UGH!!

That is all for now!

Bad dreams

3 nights this week I have had nightmares about my X showing up at different places within my everyday life. Each time he screams at me and even pushes me. I freak out and scream back, try to dial 911 and I can't hit the numbers correctly.

I hate this. He is in prison and should not be able to make me feel so threatened! Deep down I am terrified for the day he gets out of prison. He said to me a couple times that he intends to be a part of Nugget's life EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is in denial, but his denial scares me. When I reminded him that it is against the law for him to be in any area that children frequent including parks, schools, malls or pretty much anywhere he told me that he could be there.... I know it is 7 years away and this may all sink in before then, but he is a stubborn man. His temper has always scared me. It was hardly ever directed at me so I never thought it would be a problem. Now I think about him actually trying to get in my face or take my child because he feels he has the right.

The fact that I am so afraid of him makes me sad. I do not want to live in fear of a day where he may snap. I hope these fears are unfounded. The truth is I hope his family and personal history of high cholestorol and heart disease catches up to him. Maybe one of the moles I tried to tell him to get removed a million times while we were married will ironically become cancerous. Dying at a young age of natural causes would be great example of Karma... plus Nugget could benefit from his social security... and never having to know him... and we could all sleep a bit easier.

Dating as a single mom

There are some things about dating as a single mother that can be nerve wracking. You now have a scale that you use to measure... as a single non-mom the question are:
Is this person good enough for me?
What makes him good enough for me?
How can he improve/add to my life?
Do our values match up?
How does he make me feel?
Does he make me laugh/smile?

With a child there are no questions only requirements:
He must understand that my child comes first.
He must be ready to step into the role of parent. (He may not step into the role immediately, but the readiness is key)
He must be patient with my child.
He must be a good role model.
He must learn to change a diaper.
He must be able to (eventually) love my child as his own.
He must make my child happy.
He must follow MY parenting rules until they become OUR parenting rules.
He must respect my boundaries until I make the decision to expand them.
He must be ok with scheduling our time around my child's schedule.
He must treat me and my daughter with respect.

My BF (Bill) meets all of these requirements. I feel lucky, but I also feel proud of myself. In the end it isn't really about luck. Our meeting might have involved some chance, but in the end I make the decision about who is in our lives. It is ok to be picky. You have control over who you chose to be in a relationship with. If you don't settle then you will find a man that not only meets your expectations, but goes above and beyond.

Oh... There you are...

I wondered where it was hiding. The panic, insecurity, fear and irrational feelings.

Yesterday I felt "the panic"... My own version of a Vietnam flashback. I have been with someone for a few months now and things have been truly wonderful. I went in as I stated before with my eyes wide open and being completely secure and rational. Well, yesterday a small 2 hour period turned me into a mess of a woman having a slight panic attack.

I called my boyfriend (I will call him Bill) around 2:00pm to find out if he was going to come over that night for dinner. His grandma was in town and I didn't know if we were all going to meet up again since we had dinner the night before. He didn't answer his phone. Fine, no big deal! I texted him my question and went on with the day. When I checked my phone and hour later he had not answered. Even if he was with his grandma he would answer a text... he always answers by now...

ENTER THE PANIC

"Why has he not answered? It takes 2 second to answer a text! OK, maybe his phone is on silent and he hasn't checked it. He is out with his Grandma... Becca, chill out."

So I took a deep breath and finished the work day. 4pm and still no word from BF. MORE PANIC

"WTF!? Dinner starts in a little over n hour... It has been 2 hours since I called/texted... OMG he is ignoring me! What could he be doing? He is annoyed with me... His grandma hates me... he is rethinking things... what did I do wrong???"

This was completely irrational. I knew and told myself that I was being crazy. What was happening to me?

Twenty four hours removed from the situation I can tell you all EXACTLY what happened. I had a flashback. A flask back to The Day That Changed Everything. Calling and texting for hours with no response only to find out later that something horrible had happened. I hadn't felt that way in so long and it hit me like a brick to the chest. I felt so helpless and out of control, yet the whole time I was sitting and to everyone else I seemed pretty much normal, calm. Inside I was freaking out. I wanted to cry.

My phone rang at 4:25, it was Bill. He had taken his grandmother to the Zoo and they were both tired at the end of the day and took a nap. He put his phone on vibrate so he could sleep. It was so simple and it was true. I said hello to his grandma in the background and discussed dinner before saying goodbye. After hanging up the phone I cried. The release was needed desperately. Bill never knew that I had a freak out cause I didn't tell him.

Just goes to show you that no matter how great you are feeling, how confident and secure... there can always be a moment where you lose yourself. I am glad it didn't turn into a full blown panic attack or freak out. I am proud of myself in a way for getting through it. I will however be calling my counselor for a quick chat. This is something that needs to be nipped in the bud!