Monday, May 14, 2012

Random single parent thoughts

- I bought myself a new mattress. I got a queen size even though I almost always sleep alone and when I do share space it is with my mini me. An investment in a queen size bed may have been my subconscious's way of keeping faith, that someday... Before this mattress is put out to pasture... There will be partner next to me, fighting me for the covers.

- There is always going to be that feeling when you see a dad who is really good with his child. It will start as sadness, move on to jealousy and park itself as a short breathe of longing. Then you will exhale and move on. It doesn't mean you are not happy.

- Almost nothing sucks more than having a flash of a happy memory with your X and then realizing it was a sick lie. Feeling ashamed or disgusted by your past happiness is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

- When you think you are brave enough to pee alone with the door closed... Think twice! A toddler only needs 1.2 seconds to destroy something!

- Unlike some non-custodial parents I don't get to decide not to pay child support. I can't complain supporting my child is a punishment and honestly these thoughts would have never entered my mind! How on earth can and man or woman EVER think that way? Would a person be able to look in their child's eyes and tell them they just don't feel like buying them food or essential clothing? "Sorry son, no doctors appointments. Your mom is spoiling you. Besides, what if your mom uses it to buy a new purse?! I better just go ahead and spend it on a brand new fully loaded truck or a vacation or designer jeans for myself."

- If I had no divorce debt I would have been able to pay off my student loans this year. Instead I paid off creditors. I barely kept myself out of bankruptcy. Of course I would do it again to protect my child... But it still pisses me off that I had to go in the hole to get rid of my X.

- when my baby crawls into my bed and kisses my cheek and says "snuggle mommy" might be the most amazing thing in the world.

1 comment:

JacquelineM said...

Hi Bec614. You're doing all the right things for all the right reasons....therefore, you'll be alright. It's hard being a single Mum (I absolutely know), but it does get easier. I admire your courage and your determination, and your blog is an inspiration.