In his mind

Today I want to spend a little time reflecting back on the mind of one of these monsters. My X is one of far too many men who have and evil sickness in them. Because I feel it is important to share my experiences I will try to explain what I have learned.

I want everyone to remember that my X was PERFECT in the beginning. He was a gentleman, he was always kind, loving and understanding towards me. Over the course of two years this got whittled away VERY slowly. There were no red flags until we were closed to being married. This is a very common story for those who were abused physically or mentally/emotionally.

Anyway, his arrest was a shock. Though I changed my locks and made the decision to leave him right away, I did talk to him via telephone and at supervised visits until he was found guilty in a court of law. The discussions we had centered mostly around me trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. I wanted to hear him explain things in his own words. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel and I wanted him to hear my raw emotions. I wanted to hurt him, but I wanted to hurt him with the truth. My intention was never to be mean, it was to make him listen to me and my feelings. I hope he is sitting in prison thinking about the pain in my voice. I hope my words circle his mind... "You are sick. I do not love you. I never want to see you again. MY daughter does not need you, you will never be her father. There is no chance of me changing my mind. None."

I have said much more to him, but on the last phone call, the last time he heard my voice, he threatened me with a lot of ridiculous things (Trying to block my family seeing Nugget, taking all of the furniture and appliances in the divorce, having his parents go after visitation so they could bring Nugget to visit him...) He was yelling, screaming and I was calm. He didn't scare me anymore, not with these empty threats. His emotion had no power over me. I didn't care if he was upset or that I was the person he was mad at... I just waited for him to take a breath and simply said:

 "You can try all these things and you will lose. The judge has already said you have no footing, you are a pedophile. I am a good person who is doing what is best for my daughter. Good luck with all of those threats, I have already won.You will not be hearing from me. Don't bother calling here again, this number will be blocked."

There is nothing more freeing than letting go completely. I just do not care about him anymore. No fear, no sadness, nothing. He rarely crosses my mind. Of course I am sure he thinks about me and Nugget often, this does frighten me a bit and I am sure when he is free again I will find myself fighting again, but I am confident.

His mind is sick. He still has not admitted his attraction to young girls, despite hundreds of videos, pictures and other materials being found to the contrary. He thinks he is a good guy who got caught in a bad situation and will have another family someday and start over... I hope any woman in his future is smart enough to do a background check and run away fast, because in his mind... he is just fine. 

My Relatiopnship

Four years ago when my life was in tatters I spent a long time building up walls. Everyone who has had their heart broken may be able to relate on some level. I NEEDED those walls. I NEEDED to forget the little moments in a relationship. Walls helped to keep me focused on the work I was doing for myself and my daughter. I have spoken about how far I have come with my self-image and my confidence in my whole self. I am pretty awesome! The hardest part of my personal growth was learning when to start taking down the walls.

Relaxing my defenses and letting a person in who was willing to take on some of the responsibility of protecting my heart and my feelings was a long process. I dated a man once about a year after my separation, if you read my blog regularly you may remember… ANYWAY! I tried to let someone in, but I wasn’t ready and he was not the right guy. It was a good test, not to downplay this relationship; he was a great guy, just not the right one for me. My attempt to let someone in failed. There was never a feeling of security, deep emotional safety. It was fun, he was nice, it was easy in a lot of ways, but I was still locked in behind barricades.

In the present I am with a man who I have known since I was 16 years old. A person that I have trusted for longer than all of my previous relationships combined. Someone I not only have history with, but a present and future. Three years ago we found ourselves spending more and more time together. Our friendship got closer. There was talk among our group that we would get together, but I wanted to be alone, I wasn’t ready. Instead our friendship got stronger. Then at the end of this summer things moved forward. It was a split decision that has changed my life for the better.

Our friends, of course, are not surprised. People in my life who live far away or those who do not know our history are surprised the marriage talk has already begun, but after 13 years it seems natural. We are comfortable and know all of each other’s secrets and skeletons. Plus, as I have said in previous posts I think it is CRUCIAL for everyone especially single parents, to share their expectations in a relationship. This was simple since as my friend he had heard all of my desires for my future relationship. My moods, my loves, my goals, my fears and my time of the month… he knows it all! It is kind of like Chandler and Monica from FRIENDS, it was always there and after getting together it just seemed so obvious! Like DUH!!

I am happy. Nugget is happy. We are happy.

Xmas 2013

This was the best Christmas so far. I did not feel a single moment of empty or different... everything was normal. The stress of preparation, shopping, wrapping, cleaning and cooking combined with the joy giving, seeing Nugget's face and spending time with family and friends was so blissfully NORMAL!

Up until this year there was always a pang that followed my happiness. The little voice in my head pointing out that there was something different about our little family. Someday Nugget might feel a void since she doesn't have a dad. Or just some residual grief of my own.

All of the negative feelings about my divorce and my X's crimes were not there. EVEN though he tried to take a stab at me (by contacting that church/school) I didn't think about him once during my normal Christmas.

Do you hear that people? If you are sad this year, next year will be easier. Every year will get better if you push yourself. Make your life your own. Live for you and your children and the rest will fade away.

I hope you all had a good holiday. I also hope next year will be even better.

Quick update

Just to give a quick update on the last post, as of now nothing has been happening. With the holidays and people being in and out of the office my issue has not gotten very far as of yet. I left another message with the US Attorney’s office in my district. Hopefully I will know soon if I can take any action, and I promise to keep you all updated.

In other news… My Guy and I are doing great.  There is nothing to really brag about, other than it just feels right. This relationship is built on a deep trust, friendship and mutual respect. My happiness can’t be described. Nugget has known him since she was a baby, so the whole “introduction” was a non-issue, though we have been slowly, carefully folding him into more and more “family” like activities. When I look back at my list on what you should do before introducing a BF to a child we have done all of this and more without even thinking about it. Our focus is each other, Nugget and our future as a family. Are we getting married tomorrow? No. Part of our plan is making sure we pump the brakes and truly evaluate what is best for everyone. I will say though the fact that our history goes back 12 years has given us a solid foundation. This lady is very excited for the future. J

Proving he is SICK in the head

I got a voice-mail from a very pleasant woman from a local church/preschool. She said she pulled Nugget's name off of the "angle tree" at their school. She was checking in to see what she may need/want for Christmas so the class could buy a few things on behalf of her dad...

I called the woman back and politely explained WHY my X is in prison and because of this I would not accept gifts from him. The church of course had no idea (which is what I thought) and we had a good conversation. Her class if going to get Nugget a couple things and they will be "From: The class" instead of from her dad.

He is just awful. He is in prison for being a pedophile, yet he asks a classroom full of small children and their unknowing teacher to buy gifts for his sorry ass. AND/PLUS/ALSO Nugget is not in desperate need. Yes, things could be better, but when I talked to the woman she was told that Nugget may not get anything for Christmas! I explained she would be fine. Like I said they still wanted to get her something small, which is fine... My emotions were all over the place yesterday as this all was sinking in. I was mostly just disgusted.

I spoke to my xSIL about what happened and she was also livid. The fact that X had contact (whether direct or indirect) with a school, lied to a charity about Nugget being "needy" AND gave out my contact info and address to people I do not know all makes this F*cked up!

SIL called her mother just to make sure she wasn't the person who may have contacted the church for some reason, and confirmed it was not her. SIL also told xMIL that she needed to speak to X about how awful this was. (I personally do not think he is blind to this. He knew what he was doing.) xSIL doesn't talk to him and is honestly freaked out that he did this. We are sure it was his way of sending me a message. "I am not going to give up." 

Well, guess what buddy, I will never give in.I am not going take this lying down. I am in contact with the Victims Advocacy group in my area and the detective who worked his case. I am hoping this is a blessing in disguise and he may have just bought himself more trouble and more prison time. ::crosses fingers::

An email to the US District Attorney's victims advocate for my area was sent out this morning. 

Fall 2013

Oh hey! I would like to apologize for my absence… I have had a lot going on in my world.

Let us start with the a few little things and work our way up! I ran and finished two races! I have been an athlete my whole life, playing basketball, softball, volleyball, tennis, swimming and of course playing soccer, but I have never participated in a run/race in my life. Becca does not enjoy just running. I like to chase a ball, run over bases or cut through the water. I chose to do this because I am turning 30 in May and I wanted to challenge myself. I was in decent shape, but anyone who runs will tell you that running is a much different sport then a team sport. It is much more mental and you only have yourself to lean on (for the most part). In other words I had to “beat” myself. I had to be the one who got me over the finish line. So, I pushed myself through the pain, boredom, and doubt and made past the finish line. The first race was a 2 mile run benefiting heart disease and the second run was the Columbus Color Me Rad fun run. Both were awesome and I am very proud of myself.

Another thing that has happened is that I have spent the last 2 years trying to crawl out of the financial hole the was dug during my divorce. I found out today that my score is at its highest point since my separation! WOOOHOO!!! This latest climb has brought to a lower risk tier J I still have a ways to go, but I am getting there and it feels nice to have made this progress.

Last, but not least…. I am dating someone. I have known him since High School, but we were never more than friends until now. One of my goals for the year was to put myself back out there and go on at least one date. I have done that and it turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful choice. That is all I will say for now :)

Introducing a BF/GF

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)… Now put your hands up!

There are certain questions I am asked often by newly single parents. One of those Questions is:

How long should I wait to introduce my boyfriend to my child?

In my personal opinion I HATE giving a specific time frame! Who is to say that one couple is more serious at the 12 months than another is at 4 months? I have known people who will date for years and never speak about “the future”. I will say that anything less than 4 months makes me roll my eyes in most cases (not that there are not some exceptions). It takes time to build real trust in a relationship, and I would never bring a significant other into my child’s life that I did not trust. In my last relationship I waited 3 months. I wish I waited longer. I was lucky that the guy was super nice and no harm was done, Nugget doesn’t even remember him, but had she been older she would have been much more aware of the loss of this person. Below I have made a list (because this bitch loves her a list!).

You should know a man/woman long enough to:

-Figure out that the person is not perfect.

-Make sure you are willing to accept their imperfections and they will accept yours.

-Discuss your future visions and be sure they are compatible.

-Be comfortable enough to fart in front of him (not that you should, but if one should sneak out you shouldn't be overly embarrassed).

-Rock sweatpants, no makeup and dirty hair without shame.

-Get through an illness, something like the flu or a bad case of diarrhea.  See each other at your most grossest. See how nurturing this person can be. 

-Go to Ikea together* (This is a 30 Rock reference, if you survive this trip it is a good sign).

-Meet each other's friends and peripheral family (siblings, cousins, parents), get the dish on how he/she was raised and what kind of relationship they have with existing family before you make him/her a part of yours.

-Talk about how they would feel being a parent. The reality is if things get serious they would be taken a parenting/step-parenting role. Are your parenting styles compatible?

-Spend a long weekend together or more. (If it is possible in regards to childcare)Experience real time together, beyond a date or sleepover.

-Share you most “embarrassing” interests (improv, gaming, karaoke…). Not that it is really embarrassing, but if it is an activity that is important to you AND can be polarizing then share away. I love sports and musical theatre a man must accept this! If you enjoy dressing like a pirate and going to the Renaissance Festival…. Then DO IT! And bring your new pal along. (Think Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory)

-Be HONEST about your priorities. He/she should know that your kid comes first, period. This sounds easy, but I have known soooo many women/men that will arrange their time with their kid around their dating instead of the other way around. Be upfront about saying “I can’t that night I have to take my child to swim class.” Try your best to help them understand the time commitment involved with having a kid before they meet your kiddo. Many people will say it will scare them away, but HELLO!!! That is your real life! A partner needs to know that!

-Get information on their finances. Don’t be a snoop or a Judgey McJudgerson, I am just saying you should be able to talk about money. Are they in debt? Do they have a savings? Are they responsible with cash? Check out studies on divorces and break-ups. You will see MONEY is often at the top of the list of reasons behind the termination of a relationship.

-Get drunk, responsibly. (Unless you are not drinkers) I have known a lot of people who reveal their true colors when under the influence. Jealousy, rage, cheating, selfishness… we have all seen it before. From time to time I like to hang out with friends at a tailgate or a Cinco de Mayo party where I like to get tipsy. I need to know my guy can handle himself at these events.

-Face some sort of problem/challenge; understand how you will work under pressure and stress. You do not know how strong your relationship is until you disagree, get into a fight or go through a truly hard time. I do not want to bring someone into my daughter’s life if they are going to shut down and turn tail when things get a little bumpy. This person will potentially be a role model for my child, do they fight fair? Does this person expect perfection? Any rage issues? This is shit they are not going to tell you willingly. “Umm yeah I have anger issues and tend to lose my shit when things don’t go my way.”

If there are any items on this list that you’re not comfortable enough talking to your significant other about then they should not meet your kid. Meeting a child is a BIG step. It should be done as a step towards a future together, not to show off or for the sake of convenience. Your child is forever. Your child is the most important person in your life… Take your time when bringing people into their life. Show both parties that you take this decision seriously.