I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Lots of time with friends and family. Lot of love.
Life is good. It is not easy, but it is good. Nugget is in my arms every single night, I have a wonderful and supportive family, my friends have stayed by my side through everything and there is a man in my life that builds me up. I would say that I am lucky... and while that has something to do with it, I want all that are struggling to know that a lot of this has to do with choices.
I was born into my family, that was not my choice, that was luck... BUT when my family does overstep their boundaries or hurt my feelings I let them know. I also remind them how much I care. All of my relationships are tended too. Sometimes I do things I am not to excited about in order to make my friends/family/SO happy. While I would never compromise my beliefs or support what I truly believe is destructive, I will go outside my comfort zone to make someone smile. In exchange I expect the same from them. I will be a shoulder to cry on, because I know they would do the same for me. It is not about tit for tat, it is about being there for one another and helping each other grow.
I have chosen to keep my true friends close and cut ties with my "enemies". I do not believe in keeping toxic people in my life. I will always be civil, I will never be evil, but I do not need to include them in my life just because I am afraid of hurting them or others. This choice has made me a much happier person.
I also choose to rise above some bitter feelings in order to do what is best for Nug. Though my ex-mother-in-law and father-in-law have done things I do not agree with and at times have honestly brought me to tears and angered me... I know they love Nugget. I know they are in a tough spot. So, I worked with them to reach an understanding. We may not have the easiest relationship, but as long as we are respectful and do what is best for this little girl then Nugget will be better for the effort.
I am thankful for all of these good decisions. I am thankful for all of these people. I am also, thankful for all of the SHIT I had to go through in order to get here. Had it not been for some wonderful police men/women I may still be maried to a horrible, sick man. I may not be the strong woman I am today. Thank you, everyone.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
More Success
Today I was offered a job that would be a big increase in salary. I almost peed my pants when I got the call!
Since everything happened I have been working towards being able to get by on my own. To be able to live in my condo and pay all of my bills without any help and without using my CC. After 1 year and 5 months I am almost there. In January I will use my tax refund to pay off my medical and legal debt. This will remove 2 payments per month. After my raise I will be able to stop stressing about money. I will still have to watch my spending. but the STRESS will be gone.
No more worrying how I will pay for gas, or how I will have money for groceries. No more paying bills late or borrowing from family. NO MORE!
The best part is that I made this happen. I worked my butt off to get certified and better myself, now it is paying off. I feel awesome.
Since everything happened I have been working towards being able to get by on my own. To be able to live in my condo and pay all of my bills without any help and without using my CC. After 1 year and 5 months I am almost there. In January I will use my tax refund to pay off my medical and legal debt. This will remove 2 payments per month. After my raise I will be able to stop stressing about money. I will still have to watch my spending. but the STRESS will be gone.
No more worrying how I will pay for gas, or how I will have money for groceries. No more paying bills late or borrowing from family. NO MORE!
The best part is that I made this happen. I worked my butt off to get certified and better myself, now it is paying off. I feel awesome.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Dreams can suck
Since my divorce has been final I have dreamt about X twice. Talking about him brought him to the forefront of my mind, when for the past 9ish months he has been an afterthought.
The first dream was that I was pregnant (not with X's baby) and my divorce could not be finalized. In Ohio you can't be pregnant at the time of your divorce. I had to ask him to take a DNA test to prove it was not his and he kept trying to tell me that he loved me. Even in dreams he annoys me.
The second dream was scarier. He was out of prison and I walk in on him talking to a young girl. I yelled at the girl to leave and started to call the cops, but couldn't dial the phone. He chased me to my parents house and I hid. Nugget was in the house with me. I looked out the window and he had another guy woth him trying to break in. X also had a weapon. The man got inside and tried to take Nug form me. I told him that if he hands my daughter over, my X with violate her. The man looked confused as I pleaded for my daughter I told him everything X had been caught with in graphic detail. Just as he was about to put Nugget down X raised his weapon. That is all I remember.
It is hard to write out these dreams because what I remember is so broken up. I can say that I honeslty fear the day he is released. He could become violent. He could stalk us. He is a very smart man, he is also a very sick man. I try to file that away for now, it is not something I need to worry about now.
The first dream was that I was pregnant (not with X's baby) and my divorce could not be finalized. In Ohio you can't be pregnant at the time of your divorce. I had to ask him to take a DNA test to prove it was not his and he kept trying to tell me that he loved me. Even in dreams he annoys me.
The second dream was scarier. He was out of prison and I walk in on him talking to a young girl. I yelled at the girl to leave and started to call the cops, but couldn't dial the phone. He chased me to my parents house and I hid. Nugget was in the house with me. I looked out the window and he had another guy woth him trying to break in. X also had a weapon. The man got inside and tried to take Nug form me. I told him that if he hands my daughter over, my X with violate her. The man looked confused as I pleaded for my daughter I told him everything X had been caught with in graphic detail. Just as he was about to put Nugget down X raised his weapon. That is all I remember.
It is hard to write out these dreams because what I remember is so broken up. I can say that I honeslty fear the day he is released. He could become violent. He could stalk us. He is a very smart man, he is also a very sick man. I try to file that away for now, it is not something I need to worry about now.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Free!
I feel so wonderful today. I am divorced!
Not many people would think this is a positive thing, but I do. My marriage was a lie. I was a pawn. I am now a free woman and it feels amazing! I hugged my daughter closer and slept more solidly than I have in almost 2 years.
The judge looked me in the eye after declaring my marriage over and said; "Good luck to you." She smiled and so did I. My best friend is throwing me a party tomorrow. Nothing to crazy! Just friends getting together to hang out and be thankful for all we are blessed with.
I am now blessed with a divorce. Thank God.
Not many people would think this is a positive thing, but I do. My marriage was a lie. I was a pawn. I am now a free woman and it feels amazing! I hugged my daughter closer and slept more solidly than I have in almost 2 years.
The judge looked me in the eye after declaring my marriage over and said; "Good luck to you." She smiled and so did I. My best friend is throwing me a party tomorrow. Nothing to crazy! Just friends getting together to hang out and be thankful for all we are blessed with.
I am now blessed with a divorce. Thank God.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Desperation
Desperation is a very passionate and fiery emotion. The passion within a desperate person can make this person think they are helplessly in love with a person, when in actuality it caused by hurt and fear.
Desperation is a confusing cocktail. It makes the rational lose their sense.
Desperation is an emotion/feeling I am well acquainted with. I was desperate with my X and few other boyfriends. It grows from insecurity and feeds off of doubt. When my X and I were together I knew he had been single for almost 10 years. I knew he had been a busy bachelor... dated a lot of women. So why did he make the commitment to be with me? This is where my desperation was born.
I felt special because I was the girl he had chosen out of so many, yet it also made me insecure. He could be with almost anyone. He has not been tied down... what if he gets bored being with one woman? I am sure my insecurity made me his ideal partner. If I ever questioned things about our relationship it was just me being insecure. I had issues, not him. When he would spend most of his spare time working with his girls lacrosse team, running extra clinics, helping girls at study tables, organizing charity events with them... I would get desperate. He was HELPING people, how could I be jealous? I wanted him with me all the time mostly because he was rarely with me.
When I would get up the nerve to ask him to spend more time with me, he would get angry. He would yell at me for being jealous of his team and the team events... I was being selfish. If I tried to talk to him about the fact that we were not being intimate very often (once a month) he would say it was hard to be sexually attracted to a women who was so insecure. Sometimes he was just tired from working so hard, why could I not understand that? How could I hurt him by bringing this stuff up? It was my fault.
He was so nice and caring towards me as long as I never brought this stuff up. My desperation made me think I was so deeply in love with him, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to lose someone who usually treated me so well. This man who told me every single day how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I was desperate to keep him and make him happy. Yet, every time he would be gone from my sight.... I wondered what he was doing. That is not healthy.
I was wrong. I did not deeply love this man, I was just desperate. I am not saying I never loved him cause I did. I was in love with him for sure, but in the end I could not tell the difference between my desperation and love. He played with my emotions and I went along for the ride. From where I stand now, I honestly think there is no such thing as a man/significant out there the you CAN'T live without. There are people who add to your life, spark your desire, support you, are loyal to you and are amazing team members. This is the kind of person you should allow yourself to fall in love with. Anyone less than this is not worth your time and you can be fine without the lesser people.
A year of therapy brought me to the point where I can recognize my true self worth. I am no longer desperate. I know I can take care of myself and my daughter. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, lost everything I thought he was and lost myself.. yet I survived.
I found myself and I lost the desperation. So that is my advice to all of the single women or those thinking they are trapped in a bad relationship. Find yourself. When you do the desperate feeling will disappear and you will see clearly and find a real love.
Desperation is a confusing cocktail. It makes the rational lose their sense.
Desperation is an emotion/feeling I am well acquainted with. I was desperate with my X and few other boyfriends. It grows from insecurity and feeds off of doubt. When my X and I were together I knew he had been single for almost 10 years. I knew he had been a busy bachelor... dated a lot of women. So why did he make the commitment to be with me? This is where my desperation was born.
I felt special because I was the girl he had chosen out of so many, yet it also made me insecure. He could be with almost anyone. He has not been tied down... what if he gets bored being with one woman? I am sure my insecurity made me his ideal partner. If I ever questioned things about our relationship it was just me being insecure. I had issues, not him. When he would spend most of his spare time working with his girls lacrosse team, running extra clinics, helping girls at study tables, organizing charity events with them... I would get desperate. He was HELPING people, how could I be jealous? I wanted him with me all the time mostly because he was rarely with me.
When I would get up the nerve to ask him to spend more time with me, he would get angry. He would yell at me for being jealous of his team and the team events... I was being selfish. If I tried to talk to him about the fact that we were not being intimate very often (once a month) he would say it was hard to be sexually attracted to a women who was so insecure. Sometimes he was just tired from working so hard, why could I not understand that? How could I hurt him by bringing this stuff up? It was my fault.
He was so nice and caring towards me as long as I never brought this stuff up. My desperation made me think I was so deeply in love with him, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to lose someone who usually treated me so well. This man who told me every single day how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I was desperate to keep him and make him happy. Yet, every time he would be gone from my sight.... I wondered what he was doing. That is not healthy.
I was wrong. I did not deeply love this man, I was just desperate. I am not saying I never loved him cause I did. I was in love with him for sure, but in the end I could not tell the difference between my desperation and love. He played with my emotions and I went along for the ride. From where I stand now, I honestly think there is no such thing as a man/significant out there the you CAN'T live without. There are people who add to your life, spark your desire, support you, are loyal to you and are amazing team members. This is the kind of person you should allow yourself to fall in love with. Anyone less than this is not worth your time and you can be fine without the lesser people.
A year of therapy brought me to the point where I can recognize my true self worth. I am no longer desperate. I know I can take care of myself and my daughter. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, lost everything I thought he was and lost myself.. yet I survived.
I found myself and I lost the desperation. So that is my advice to all of the single women or those thinking they are trapped in a bad relationship. Find yourself. When you do the desperate feeling will disappear and you will see clearly and find a real love.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Phone call
There were many intense phone calls with my X after the arrest. The one that sticks out the most, the one that replays in my head over and over... is the one where he told me he was going to kill himself.
It was two days after giving birth to my daughter. I was still in the hospital and still in a lot of pain from the c-section. The day before I had allowed him to meet his daughter for a short time (Remember at this point not all the information was out on what exactly he had done in detail. I was still coming to terms with the information I did have.) On that morning I was alone in my hospital room and Nugget was sleeping in her bassinet. When the phone rang I thought it was my MIL cause it was her cell phone and X usually called on the house phone. He was drunk and I could tell right away because of his speech pattern. The first words out of his mouth were:
"I am so sorry, Nugget is the most beautiful girl in the world and she is lucky to have you as a mother. Please let her know that I had good in me... that I was a good person in a lot of ways. I don't want her to hate me."
I remember thinking about the good moments. Like the time we went to the sporting goods store looking for winter gear. We tried on ever hat in the store and laughed the whole time. It was such a small thing, but I remember how wonderful and fun it was. I remember him telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. I remember him telling me that I was the only girl he had ever truly loved, there were tears in his eyes.
Here he was saying goodbye. I honestly didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to say "See ya!" and part of me wanted to save him. I was silent. So he continued:
"I can't do this. I would be better for everyone if I was gone. I have hurt so many people and I can't imagine life without you...."
There was more but I can't remember beyond the above statement. I can only recall what I said and what I said was minimal. I could not bring myself to lie to him, make an attempt to comfort him, yet , I could not yell or scream at him. I simply said:
"You hurt me. What you did was awful and I would be lying if I said things wouldn't be easier without you in my life. I don't know what you want me to say... I would feel sad if you died... it would be another tragic thing I would have to explain to Nugget someday. I can't really offer you much comfort, I am sorry. I can barely handle what has already happened."
What if I hung up on him? What if I had screamed? What if I had told him I hoped he would die? What if I never even answered?
I will never know. I do know this though, I wish I had never answered. Looking back I should have just ignored the call. I was in the hospital recovering form childbirth. I should have been relaxing for the first time in months! I had already been through so much and I was exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. My phone should have been off or on silent, but no he ruined another day for me. Another day that should have been spent taking care of myself and my new baby, instead I was wasting energy and emotional on my X. I cried for an hour after the call.
I didn't deserve to feel like that, I have always deserved better than this. In time I have found better and I will continue to be better.
It was two days after giving birth to my daughter. I was still in the hospital and still in a lot of pain from the c-section. The day before I had allowed him to meet his daughter for a short time (Remember at this point not all the information was out on what exactly he had done in detail. I was still coming to terms with the information I did have.) On that morning I was alone in my hospital room and Nugget was sleeping in her bassinet. When the phone rang I thought it was my MIL cause it was her cell phone and X usually called on the house phone. He was drunk and I could tell right away because of his speech pattern. The first words out of his mouth were:
"I am so sorry, Nugget is the most beautiful girl in the world and she is lucky to have you as a mother. Please let her know that I had good in me... that I was a good person in a lot of ways. I don't want her to hate me."
I remember thinking about the good moments. Like the time we went to the sporting goods store looking for winter gear. We tried on ever hat in the store and laughed the whole time. It was such a small thing, but I remember how wonderful and fun it was. I remember him telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. I remember him telling me that I was the only girl he had ever truly loved, there were tears in his eyes.
Here he was saying goodbye. I honestly didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to say "See ya!" and part of me wanted to save him. I was silent. So he continued:
"I can't do this. I would be better for everyone if I was gone. I have hurt so many people and I can't imagine life without you...."
There was more but I can't remember beyond the above statement. I can only recall what I said and what I said was minimal. I could not bring myself to lie to him, make an attempt to comfort him, yet , I could not yell or scream at him. I simply said:
"You hurt me. What you did was awful and I would be lying if I said things wouldn't be easier without you in my life. I don't know what you want me to say... I would feel sad if you died... it would be another tragic thing I would have to explain to Nugget someday. I can't really offer you much comfort, I am sorry. I can barely handle what has already happened."
What if I hung up on him? What if I had screamed? What if I had told him I hoped he would die? What if I never even answered?
I will never know. I do know this though, I wish I had never answered. Looking back I should have just ignored the call. I was in the hospital recovering form childbirth. I should have been relaxing for the first time in months! I had already been through so much and I was exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. My phone should have been off or on silent, but no he ruined another day for me. Another day that should have been spent taking care of myself and my new baby, instead I was wasting energy and emotional on my X. I cried for an hour after the call.
I didn't deserve to feel like that, I have always deserved better than this. In time I have found better and I will continue to be better.
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