Four years ago when my life was in tatters I spent a long
time building up walls. Everyone who has had their heart broken may be able to
relate on some level. I NEEDED those walls. I NEEDED to forget the little
moments in a relationship. Walls helped to keep me focused on the work I was
doing for myself and my daughter. I have spoken about how far I have come with
my self-image and my confidence in my whole self. I am pretty awesome! The
hardest part of my personal growth was learning when to start taking down the
walls.
Relaxing my defenses and letting a person in who was willing
to take on some of the responsibility of protecting my heart and my feelings
was a long process. I dated a man once about a year after my separation, if you
read my blog regularly you may remember… ANYWAY! I tried to let someone in, but
I wasn’t ready and he was not the right guy. It was a good test, not to
downplay this relationship; he was a great guy, just not the right one for me. My
attempt to let someone in failed. There was never a feeling of security, deep
emotional safety. It was fun, he was nice, it was easy in a lot of ways, but I
was still locked in behind barricades.
In the present I am with a man who I have known since I was
16 years old. A person that I have trusted for longer than all of my previous
relationships combined. Someone I not only have history with, but a present and
future. Three years ago we found ourselves spending more and more time
together. Our friendship got closer. There was talk among our group that we
would get together, but I wanted to be alone, I wasn’t ready. Instead our
friendship got stronger. Then at the end of this summer things moved forward.
It was a split decision that has changed my life for the better.
Our friends, of course, are not surprised. People in my life
who live far away or those who do not know our history are surprised the marriage
talk has already begun, but after 13 years it seems natural. We are comfortable
and know all of each other’s secrets and skeletons. Plus, as I have said in
previous posts I think it is CRUCIAL for everyone especially single parents, to
share their expectations in a relationship. This was simple since as my friend
he had heard all of my desires for my future relationship. My moods, my loves,
my goals, my fears and my time of the month… he knows it all! It is kind of
like Chandler and Monica from FRIENDS, it was always there and after getting
together it just seemed so obvious! Like DUH!!
I am happy. Nugget is happy. We are happy.
