Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Remember the feeling


Memories come in lots of different packaging. Most of the time we see them with our inner eye, they are a visual experience. According to science the sense of smell is the most powerful in regard to conjuring up memories. The smell of a person, a certain food or a certain environment can take you back to one powerful moment in time or help you relive a whole childhood. It is amazing how our mind works.

I sometimes use this to my advantage. My favorite way to travel to my happy place is to open a bottle of Coppertone Baby Sun Screen and take in a few deep breathes. Instantly I am transported to The Jersey Shore, surrounded by my family, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I loved/love it there. I never remember being sad in that place, which is why I choose it as my memory of choice when I need a pick me up.

This weekend I had a dream. In it I was with a man, nobody to me in real life, just a dream guy. I can’t quite remember what was going on in the dream, just one moment when the man came over to me, wrapped a blanket over my shoulders and hugged me. Then I was wrapped in no just a blanket, but a familiar feeling, and emotion I had almost forgotten. It was love, the feeling of being loved. I felt it so clearly. It has been a long time since that sensation has come over me. A distant memory that I now can’t ever even say was totally and completely genuine. The man I loved the most in this world was just a cover for a sicko, but my emotions were always real. Yes, I dated a great guy after my divorce and I loved him, but it wasn’t the same. I still don’t know if this was because he was the wrong guy or if I was, maybe still am, damaged.

All I know is, I keep thinking about that dream. How it felt when the man’s arms went around me. How easy, calming and natural it all was. This memory came from my heart. It was a reminder that love can be a beautiful thing. That it doesn’t have to be complicated. Remembering this is important, and it took more than words or visuals to really drive this point home for me. I had to feel it. The memory that came wrapped in a blanket.



4 comments:

Ashley from Life Begins @ 23 said...

Your not damaged - don't think that of yourself.

Your experience was a nightmare come true... something we think only happens on Lifetime. It may have changed you - but I wouldn't call that change "damaged". You're a pretty strong person.

I don't know you in real life but because I went through a similar (but far less traumatizing) experience - I can relate to you.

Bec614 said...

Ashley,

I think I was damaged, BUT I know that what has been damaged can be repaired. I will never lose faith or hope. :)

Evelyn Denise said...

I know how you feel. I have experienced devastation in my relationship also, while our circumstances maybe different or somewhat similar. I was left with a damaged heart and three trophies for my love...my three beautiful daughters.

We are now living the "single life" and it has been tuff but a lesson well learned is not easily forgotten.

I wish you well; take care of yourself and your beautiful child.

God Bless

amorainbette said...

Hi, I have just about finished reading through your whole blog and I'm astonished at how tremndous you are!
I wanted to post in this entry as I to have had dreams like this, many times since my divorce 9 years ago. (I divorced my ex 2 months after giving birth to his son). My ex was an alcoholic and just an all around A-hole, even his own family thought so.
Anyway, yes, I've had many dreams as you describe here where I am the center of some male unknown figure. I always remember feeling so happy and loved, then I wake up :(

I am going to continue to follow your blog. You and I have alot of thoughts in common when it comes to this single parenting thing such as not knowing what to do with free time. I feel like I've lost an appendage when I don't have The Boy for a night and just end up watching tv, wanting him to be back with me.

Such a rollercoaster of emotion!