GUILT: This stage sucks. No matter how level headed you think you are there is a time where you will go through something devastating and think it is all your fault. You feel consumed with "If only I...?" and "I should have..."
In my head I KNEW it wasn't my fault in the least, yet there was that voice. The only that had been bargaining with me earlier. Some of this post may be TMI... so here is your warning. I just want to put out there what was really going on in my head at the time.
As I have said before, I was pregnant at the time of X's arrest. I had been on pelvic rest because of some bleeding issues that the doctor could not pin down. Pelvic rest means I can't participate in anything but light activity and no sex or any relations that would lead to possible orgasm. I was put on pelvic rest for about 5 months out of my 9 month pregnancy. Between that time we were for the most part scared to do anything. We had sex 3 times the whole time I was pregnant. Normally I am a very sexual person (when in a committed relationship) so this was hard on me. I however loved my baby and would not go against doctors orders, X didn't pressure me.
What if I had been able to continue a normal sexual relationship? Would he have gotten lost in the sick world or child porn? The true answer is most likely, yes. I could have had sex with him every single day and he would probably have ended up in the same place. Why did I feel guilty then? I felt like I let my marriage down by not being physically there for my husband.
I should have snooped more... I should have known or had a feeling about what he was doing. Why did I know nothing!? I could have found out before we were married and not have to spend money on a divorce. I could have saved my daughter from having him for a father.... but then again I wouldn't have Caroline, cause she is part of him... the only decent part. I still feel guilty for my daughter having a sicko for a father.
DEPRESSION: I spent a lot of time crying. I once left work because I could not keep myself together. I tried to drive home, but pulled over into a parking lot to practically wail in pain because it all hit me so hard. There were nights when I went into my mom's room and got her out of bed so she could sit with me while fell apart. I left the TV on all the time because I feared silence. Silence let the thoughts and pain in. I had to make sure the tv was not on a local channel for fear that I would see my X's mugshot run across the screen or hear the story running... I couldn't take it being thrown in my face. I avoided one of my favorite shows (Law and Order: SVU), it became too real... I felt like I complete break at any moment. Had I not been pregnant I would have crumbled.
I became a single mother, with little money, living with my parents. This was not what I had imagined for me and my daughter. I had to have a c-section after a planning for a natural birth and I did not have a husband by my side holding my hand. I watch lots of c-sections on tv... loving fathers kissing the forehead of the mothers to be... not in my OR. Then after Caroline arrived she had colic... I had little help at night when she would wake... I was a mess. I missed having a partner, especially then when I felt I needed it most.
I would lie in bed with my screaming child on my chest and sing to her with tears running down the sides of my face. Quietly sobbing out the words to "Baby Mine" from Dumbo. I would tell her how sorry I was that she didn't have a father there. I talked to her often, like Iwas talking to a grown version of my daughter. Letting her know that I would try my best and how she deserved so much more than I could ever give on my own... but I would try. I would always try my best to protect her.... then we would cry together. A person should not have to produce that amount of tears in a lifetime... especially when it could be avoided.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
One Year Later...
My X was arrested a year ago today. I have been through a lot, struggled, pushed myself, fell down, got back up.... but I made it.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel hopeless. Lives can be torn apart due to many factors. In this life there are always others who have it worse than you do, so remember to push yourself. Never go backwards and never stand still. Put your head down and even if you move 0.001cm... keep moving forward, eventually you will find happiness again. I did.
Living proof that no matter what, it will get better.
What did I do this year?
To all that read this, PLEASE remember this... it will get better. I promise. Never give up.
Thank you to all of my friends and family that have supported me this past year. You are all amazing.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel hopeless. Lives can be torn apart due to many factors. In this life there are always others who have it worse than you do, so remember to push yourself. Never go backwards and never stand still. Put your head down and even if you move 0.001cm... keep moving forward, eventually you will find happiness again. I did.
Living proof that no matter what, it will get better.
What did I do this year?
- I watch the police search my home
- I learned my husband was a pedophile
- I left my husband
- I moved in with my parents
- I watched my cousin get married
- I gave birth to my daughter
- I reconnected with friends
- I was there for my friends when they lost their family in a house fire.
- I struggled through breastfeeding
- I returned to work full time
- I celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years as a single mom
- I watched my X's court dates blasted across our local news.
- I watched my cousins become parents
- I went to therapy
- I was in my best friend's wedding
- I gave a statement to the court on why my X should be in prison
- I got a promotion
- I lost weight
- I got closer to some amazing women
- I laughed, smiled, hugged and loved those around me
- I watched my amazing child grow and mature
- I met someone special
- I survived.
To all that read this, PLEASE remember this... it will get better. I promise. Never give up.
Thank you to all of my friends and family that have supported me this past year. You are all amazing.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Step 4: Bargaining
This stage was pretty short for me, yet it was one of the most complicated and honestly the hardest to share. My thoughts during this time were kinda twisted. I am thankful that I kept my head on straight. I actually think this stage came before anger in my situation so it may seem as though I have gone backwards... bear with me.
The end of a marriage is always tough. The end of a marriage because of betrayal is devastating. The end of my marriage was beyond anything you could imagine. I had a loving, caring and devoted husband one day and a criminal ex the next. I had to deal with layers of deceit. He lied. He cheated. He placed ads on the Internet looking for partners. He tried to have sex with an a woman he thought was 15. He had a porn addiction. He downloaded underage pornography on OUR computer... on and almost daily basis... while I was at work... while he was supposed to be setting up our daughter's nursery.
Now try to get all of that info thrown in your face while you are 8 months pregnant, 2 days after your baby shower... My head was not on right. Not 6 hours before he called you at work to make sure you were feeling OK because you had a headache that morning... just wanted me to know that he loved me... Now everything I thought he was is gone.
I had the strangest thoughts, like: If only the person he was talking to was 18... If the porn had been legal we could have worked through it. Maybe he was just depressed (he had lost a job recently) and was temporarily out of his mind? He told me he was turning around to leave the meeting site when he was arrested, so maybe he wasn't going through with it? If the girls on the computer were close to 18 then that makes it less sick right? If they were almost 18 then he is not THAT bad of a criminal... I mean guys are always counting down to when certain movie stars are 18 (ie Emma Watson, the Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus...) so that isn't too bad, right?
That was my bargaining stage. Trying to work things out to make everything seem less severe. Trying to make the man I loved less of a criminal. After all, he had never shown me anything that ever made me think he had this problem. Not beyond once dating an 18 year old in the past, but he was younger then too... As the scenarios went through my head I knew my thoughts were all dumb. He was sick. He was deep into a secret life and could not be trusted. The fact of the matter is there were videos with girls as young as 4 years old, his keyword search showed him searching for pre-teen hardcore videos. As I write this my stomach turns all over again. It was BAD and it kept getting worse.
Thank GOD I listened to my inner voice. The amount of women that stand by there significant others during these trials amazes me and I am proud of myself for breaking through the bullshit. I think it is all of the little "bargains" these other women make in their heads that confuses them. They want to believe they could not be in love with a sicko... well you can... sometimes what you don't know CAN hurt you and your family. You just have to be strong enough to walk away.
The end of a marriage is always tough. The end of a marriage because of betrayal is devastating. The end of my marriage was beyond anything you could imagine. I had a loving, caring and devoted husband one day and a criminal ex the next. I had to deal with layers of deceit. He lied. He cheated. He placed ads on the Internet looking for partners. He tried to have sex with an a woman he thought was 15. He had a porn addiction. He downloaded underage pornography on OUR computer... on and almost daily basis... while I was at work... while he was supposed to be setting up our daughter's nursery.
Now try to get all of that info thrown in your face while you are 8 months pregnant, 2 days after your baby shower... My head was not on right. Not 6 hours before he called you at work to make sure you were feeling OK because you had a headache that morning... just wanted me to know that he loved me... Now everything I thought he was is gone.
I had the strangest thoughts, like: If only the person he was talking to was 18... If the porn had been legal we could have worked through it. Maybe he was just depressed (he had lost a job recently) and was temporarily out of his mind? He told me he was turning around to leave the meeting site when he was arrested, so maybe he wasn't going through with it? If the girls on the computer were close to 18 then that makes it less sick right? If they were almost 18 then he is not THAT bad of a criminal... I mean guys are always counting down to when certain movie stars are 18 (ie Emma Watson, the Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus...) so that isn't too bad, right?
That was my bargaining stage. Trying to work things out to make everything seem less severe. Trying to make the man I loved less of a criminal. After all, he had never shown me anything that ever made me think he had this problem. Not beyond once dating an 18 year old in the past, but he was younger then too... As the scenarios went through my head I knew my thoughts were all dumb. He was sick. He was deep into a secret life and could not be trusted. The fact of the matter is there were videos with girls as young as 4 years old, his keyword search showed him searching for pre-teen hardcore videos. As I write this my stomach turns all over again. It was BAD and it kept getting worse.
Thank GOD I listened to my inner voice. The amount of women that stand by there significant others during these trials amazes me and I am proud of myself for breaking through the bullshit. I think it is all of the little "bargains" these other women make in their heads that confuses them. They want to believe they could not be in love with a sicko... well you can... sometimes what you don't know CAN hurt you and your family. You just have to be strong enough to walk away.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Step 3: Anger
The anger I felt towards my X came in waves. It hit hard and sometimes came out of nowhere.
The first wave of anger came when I thought about my daughter. My innocent, unborn baby girl. A child that was planned by two people. The nursery was painted, the furniture purchased and the baby shower was only 2 days before the arrest. When I packed up things to go home with my mother I stood in the nursery for a long time, starring at the walls that now bore the color we had chosen together only a week before. I became livid.
How could he do this to her? She did not ask to be his daughter and now she is forced to face the truth about her father someday. I will not throw the details in her face, but I will not lie to her. It is important for her to know what her father is, for her own protection. I have promised myself I will not make this conversation harder or more dramatic than it has to be... but the fact that I have to prepare for this ANGERS me.
The next wave of anger came for the children my X violated. How could anyone who was having a daughter do the things he had done? Those children were peoples baby girls. The children in the pictures and videos were innocent and defenseless. Every single time he downloaded something he encouraged other adults to hurt children. It is disgusting. I read the transcripts of what was found on our computer. I got physically ill just seeing the summary... I can't believe I let him touch me... which leads em to my last wave of anger.
Last, but not least, I felt anger towards him as his wife. He cheated on me, he took out an add on craigslist looking for an affair, he video taped and sexual encounter he had while we were together, he told other women they were beautiful... It devastated me in a way completely separate from the pedophile aspect of what he had done. He exposed me to diseases and honestly put mine and my child's life on the line for a cheap, sexual thrill. What an asshole! At one point I just lost it on him. He had to know how I felt... so I called him and unloaded all of this over the phone. I felt so much better when I hung up the phone. I was glad that I made him cry, sob even. He deserved to feel like shit.
My last wave of anger came when after filing for divorce. We had actually had phone conversations about coming to an agreement on who gets what. Basically he agreed to ask that Nugget be brought to prison for visits, that I will get all of the property (furniture etc) and I would have full physical and legal custody (duh). Then all of a sudden after being in prison for a full 3 weeks he changes his mind!! "The visiting rooms are really nice.", "I plan on being in her life when I get out so she should get to know me."... Oh, no! No! No! Why did I think he would follow through with his word?! Why did I think this would be easy?!
My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law took her son's side and hired him a lawyer... but not before they offered me a bribe! They offered to give me the $1500 dollars they were putting towards a lawyer if I agreed to some kind of visitation! More anger bubbled up. My anger went towards his mother for defending a pedophile and trying to get my daughter to build a relationship with him. My anger flowed towards this man that was once the love of my life, but now could not stop trying to tear my life apart. He knew I would have to pay a lawyer to fight this.... he knew that I needed money in general since I don't get child support... again I state that he is an asshole.
During my periods of anger I would get so worked up that I could not sleep. I spent hours stewing over this man and his actions. The thought of him, or even his mother would set me off. I am pretty sure my blood pressure was a lot higher during these times. Over all I felt like awful when I was angry, I hate being angry. I do have to say though anger is much better than the next stage...
The first wave of anger came when I thought about my daughter. My innocent, unborn baby girl. A child that was planned by two people. The nursery was painted, the furniture purchased and the baby shower was only 2 days before the arrest. When I packed up things to go home with my mother I stood in the nursery for a long time, starring at the walls that now bore the color we had chosen together only a week before. I became livid.
How could he do this to her? She did not ask to be his daughter and now she is forced to face the truth about her father someday. I will not throw the details in her face, but I will not lie to her. It is important for her to know what her father is, for her own protection. I have promised myself I will not make this conversation harder or more dramatic than it has to be... but the fact that I have to prepare for this ANGERS me.
The next wave of anger came for the children my X violated. How could anyone who was having a daughter do the things he had done? Those children were peoples baby girls. The children in the pictures and videos were innocent and defenseless. Every single time he downloaded something he encouraged other adults to hurt children. It is disgusting. I read the transcripts of what was found on our computer. I got physically ill just seeing the summary... I can't believe I let him touch me... which leads em to my last wave of anger.
Last, but not least, I felt anger towards him as his wife. He cheated on me, he took out an add on craigslist looking for an affair, he video taped and sexual encounter he had while we were together, he told other women they were beautiful... It devastated me in a way completely separate from the pedophile aspect of what he had done. He exposed me to diseases and honestly put mine and my child's life on the line for a cheap, sexual thrill. What an asshole! At one point I just lost it on him. He had to know how I felt... so I called him and unloaded all of this over the phone. I felt so much better when I hung up the phone. I was glad that I made him cry, sob even. He deserved to feel like shit.
My last wave of anger came when after filing for divorce. We had actually had phone conversations about coming to an agreement on who gets what. Basically he agreed to ask that Nugget be brought to prison for visits, that I will get all of the property (furniture etc) and I would have full physical and legal custody (duh). Then all of a sudden after being in prison for a full 3 weeks he changes his mind!! "The visiting rooms are really nice.", "I plan on being in her life when I get out so she should get to know me."... Oh, no! No! No! Why did I think he would follow through with his word?! Why did I think this would be easy?!
My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law took her son's side and hired him a lawyer... but not before they offered me a bribe! They offered to give me the $1500 dollars they were putting towards a lawyer if I agreed to some kind of visitation! More anger bubbled up. My anger went towards his mother for defending a pedophile and trying to get my daughter to build a relationship with him. My anger flowed towards this man that was once the love of my life, but now could not stop trying to tear my life apart. He knew I would have to pay a lawyer to fight this.... he knew that I needed money in general since I don't get child support... again I state that he is an asshole.
During my periods of anger I would get so worked up that I could not sleep. I spent hours stewing over this man and his actions. The thought of him, or even his mother would set me off. I am pretty sure my blood pressure was a lot higher during these times. Over all I felt like awful when I was angry, I hate being angry. I do have to say though anger is much better than the next stage...
Friday, May 27, 2011
A seven step program...Step 1 & 2: Shock & Denial
Grief has seen stages. You can get through them quickly or slowly. You can get stuck in one and skip another. You can repeat all of them. It is very individual to a person and their situation. For me it took almost a year to reach the end and I believe this would not have happened without the help of my therapist and my will to move forward.
SHOCK: I think this speaks for itself. I spent the first few days in shock. I almost couldn't function. Barely eating and sleeping. Shock came instantly and left almost as quickly...
DENIAL: I was in denial for a bit, but never about what he did. It was always clear that he had tried to meet up with the undercover officer and it was always clear that they found underage images and videos on our computer. In that there was no denial.
My denial came with his character. I knew he was sick. I knew only a sick sick person could do what he did.... but was there anything in there worth saving. Was every kiss a lie? Was every I love you empty? Did he feel shame for what he had done? Was it just one demon he could not overcome? I thought there was no way that I could have been in love with someone who was evil to the core. He had a devil and an angel on his shoulders and he listened to the devil in regards to his crimes. I thought he would realize how wrong he had been and let me go easily. That inside he knew the best thing to do would be to give me and my daughter freedom from him. I thought he would listen to the angel on his shoulder and not make life any more difficult for me. If I was civil with him we could get things sorted out for a divorce and be on our way....
The truth he was more sick than I thought. The fact that he lost control in his life and that I held all the power in regards to my daughter made him crazy. He became manipulative, threatening (not physically) and desperate. When I finally snapped out of my denial I could see him for what he really was, a criminal with many problems including anger and control issues. As a last ditch effort he threatened me with many things including: Filing legal action against my sister because she wrote him a strongly worded email (no threats in said email), having his parents take me to court (no reason given) and to have all of my furniture taken away because some of it was bought in his name. Finally he tried to bribe me. He said he was going to get his mother to pay for a lawyer to fight me in court, but if I agreed to take my daughter to visit him in prison he would instead give me the money to use for Nugget... what a bastard.
Which leads me to step two....
SHOCK: I think this speaks for itself. I spent the first few days in shock. I almost couldn't function. Barely eating and sleeping. Shock came instantly and left almost as quickly...
DENIAL: I was in denial for a bit, but never about what he did. It was always clear that he had tried to meet up with the undercover officer and it was always clear that they found underage images and videos on our computer. In that there was no denial.
My denial came with his character. I knew he was sick. I knew only a sick sick person could do what he did.... but was there anything in there worth saving. Was every kiss a lie? Was every I love you empty? Did he feel shame for what he had done? Was it just one demon he could not overcome? I thought there was no way that I could have been in love with someone who was evil to the core. He had a devil and an angel on his shoulders and he listened to the devil in regards to his crimes. I thought he would realize how wrong he had been and let me go easily. That inside he knew the best thing to do would be to give me and my daughter freedom from him. I thought he would listen to the angel on his shoulder and not make life any more difficult for me. If I was civil with him we could get things sorted out for a divorce and be on our way....
The truth he was more sick than I thought. The fact that he lost control in his life and that I held all the power in regards to my daughter made him crazy. He became manipulative, threatening (not physically) and desperate. When I finally snapped out of my denial I could see him for what he really was, a criminal with many problems including anger and control issues. As a last ditch effort he threatened me with many things including: Filing legal action against my sister because she wrote him a strongly worded email (no threats in said email), having his parents take me to court (no reason given) and to have all of my furniture taken away because some of it was bought in his name. Finally he tried to bribe me. He said he was going to get his mother to pay for a lawyer to fight me in court, but if I agreed to take my daughter to visit him in prison he would instead give me the money to use for Nugget... what a bastard.
Which leads me to step two....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Link to: Single Mom: Rocking it Solo: Pet Peeve
This post is one that I could have written myself. It is by a fellow single parent that I have come to know through an online community.
Single Mom: Rockin it Solo
I will add this:
The finacial, emotional and physical toll it takes to be a single parent is one that few people can relate too if they have never been there.
Military wives come the closest, but they still have someone out there that loves them and supports them both emotionally and finacially. Though I know they have a whole other level of stress and I say kudos to them and they do not peeve me when they say feel like a sinlge mom.
I don't use the word "hate" lightly... but I HATE hear a married woman (or man) say she is a single parent because of XYZ... If you truly feel that way then talk to your spouse, get counseling or leave and see what it is really like out there on your own. End Vent.
Single Mom: Rockin it Solo
I will add this:
The finacial, emotional and physical toll it takes to be a single parent is one that few people can relate too if they have never been there.
Military wives come the closest, but they still have someone out there that loves them and supports them both emotionally and finacially. Though I know they have a whole other level of stress and I say kudos to them and they do not peeve me when they say feel like a sinlge mom.
I don't use the word "hate" lightly... but I HATE hear a married woman (or man) say she is a single parent because of XYZ... If you truly feel that way then talk to your spouse, get counseling or leave and see what it is really like out there on your own. End Vent.
Friday, May 20, 2011
ME: The Single Mother
-I am a mother who receives no child support.
-I am a mother who does not receive federal assistance.
-I am a mother who does all the cleaning and cooking.
-I am a mother who works full time in medical research.
-I am a mother who has a college education.
-I am a mother who uses both cloth diapers and disposables.
-I am a mother who clips coupons.
-I am a mother who shops sales and thrift stores.
-I am a mother who is single.
-I am a mother who buys my child jarred baby food... no it is not organic.
-I am a mother who gives her child a snack to achieve 5 mins of peace.
-I am a mother who thinks about her daughter a million times a day.
-I am a mother who dresses in sweats while my daughter is always in an adorable & coordinated outfit
-I am a mother who cooks dinner at home 95% of the time.
-I am a mother who has been up all night multiple times with a sick baby.
-I am a mother who has an iPhone.
-I am a mother who pays all of her bills.
-I am a mother who has to ask for help from friends and family.
-I am a mother who faked a smile until it became real.
-I am a mother who know the songs from Yo Gabba Gabba, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and other children's cartoons.
-I am a mother who feeds her child table food.
-I am a mother who vaccinates her child.
-I am a mother who needs "me" time.
-I am a mother that does not use a shopping cart cover.
-I am a mother who puts her child first.
-I am a mother who loves her child more than anything.
-I am a mother who will fight to keep my child safe.
The only things that really matter on the list are the last 3 bullets. Opinions are different than judgements. Share with me your opinions, but keep you judgements to yourself.
-I am a mother who does not receive federal assistance.
-I am a mother who does all the cleaning and cooking.
-I am a mother who works full time in medical research.
-I am a mother who has a college education.
-I am a mother who uses both cloth diapers and disposables.
-I am a mother who clips coupons.
-I am a mother who shops sales and thrift stores.
-I am a mother who is single.
-I am a mother who buys my child jarred baby food... no it is not organic.
-I am a mother who gives her child a snack to achieve 5 mins of peace.
-I am a mother who thinks about her daughter a million times a day.
-I am a mother who dresses in sweats while my daughter is always in an adorable & coordinated outfit
-I am a mother who cooks dinner at home 95% of the time.
-I am a mother who has been up all night multiple times with a sick baby.
-I am a mother who has an iPhone.
-I am a mother who pays all of her bills.
-I am a mother who has to ask for help from friends and family.
-I am a mother who faked a smile until it became real.
-I am a mother who know the songs from Yo Gabba Gabba, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and other children's cartoons.
-I am a mother who feeds her child table food.
-I am a mother who vaccinates her child.
-I am a mother who needs "me" time.
-I am a mother that does not use a shopping cart cover.
-I am a mother who puts her child first.
-I am a mother who loves her child more than anything.
-I am a mother who will fight to keep my child safe.
The only things that really matter on the list are the last 3 bullets. Opinions are different than judgements. Share with me your opinions, but keep you judgements to yourself.
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