Musical Inspiration

Over the last 2 years I have found a lot of truth and strength in music. I wanted to share some lines with you and why I respond so much to them. Current songs and past... 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone" -Kelly Clarkson, Stronger

This one is kind of a no-brainer. A woman should always know that she is better on her own than she is in a bad relationship. No man should be your everything (and the same goes for you all boys!) Finding true love is amazing and I believe in it, but I know I love myself enough to be happy  should I never find it.

"My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible lies" - FUN, Some Nights

I remember the first time I heard this song. When the above lyrics were sung I immediately identified with them. As a rational woman I would have never been with my X had I any idea what he was doing... but then of course I would not have my daughter. It is strange to think this way and I know there are teenage girls out there that think being with an a-hole is worth it if they can have a  baby... GOOD LORD PLEASE DO NOT READ THE LYRICS THIS WAY!!! 

"I wont give up on us

Even if the shy gets rough

I'm giving you all my love

I still looking up" -Jason Mraz, I Wont Give Up

This Jason Mraz song basically reminds me of my relationship with Nugget. I will never give on on us. We are a team. I will do everything in my power to keep us happy, healthy and safe. Single parents out there this should always be your focus. It seems like common sense, but we all know that some people choose to think of their personal life first. 

I have many more songs/lyrics I want to share, but of course my mind is blanking!! So I will make this a series of posts over time when they come to me. :)

My Happy Child

Motherhood started out rough for me. I was still recovering from the shock of finding out my X's secret life, going through the criminal court process, the divorce process, having a baby with colic and the financial hardship of all of it. My therapist got an earful every week! The stress and sleep deprivation made it hard to really enjoy even the good moments. I wish I could say that motherhood was magical in so many ways. That I felt this deep spiritual awakening... I just didn't.


When I held my child for the first time I was happy and I felt at peace. The first few days really were magical... then I went home from the hospital. The hospital was this magical bubble that kept the reality of my situation from sinking in. I had help in the nurses, the cooks, the lactation consultant and even a cleaning crew. When I went back to my parents’ house most of my help was gone and I had to face dealing with my divorce. I want to say right now that my parents really did help me a lot, but they were also still dealing with everything AND some of my parenting decisions were hard for them to swallow. Basically I think I scared my mom for life when I had trouble breast feeding and supplemented with formula. So things were not always relaxing.

Nugget was a gassy baby that stopped sleeping longer than two hours at a time at the age of 4 months and did not start again until she was almost a year old. She didn't sleep through the night on a consistent basis until closer to 18 months. Anyway if you have read my blog for a while you may know all of this already! Sorry if this is a big repeat.

The point of all this backstory is to show how far we have come. Nugget sleeps 9-10 hours a night every night and will lie quietly in bed with me while I wake up. EVERY SINGLE MORNING I open my eyes and see her beautiful blue eyes looking back at me. She then says, a little too loudly because the child only has one volume level, "Hi Mommy!" This ladies and gentlemen is the magic. She is always smiling and happy. She sings for no reason. She tells me she loves me and proudly tells strangers in the grocery store that I am her mommy. All of those emotions I expected to feel instantly at her birth have grown slowly over time. The love was always there along with the urge to protect her... but the all-encompassing need to be with her seemed to sneak up on me.

This child amazes me. The fact that after all we have been through and knowing how disappointed I was with my performance as a mother for the first year...

-Breastfeeding for 6 months: FAIL
-Making my own baby food: FAIL
-Not letting her sleep in my bed past 6 months: FAIL
-Keeping the house clean: FAIL
-Being infinitely patient: FAIL

-Not using the TV for a distraction: FAIL...despite all my perceived "failures" my child loves me and is enjoying her life. My attempt to be positive may have actually worked. We are having so much fun together and I know there is almost no way I could be happier right now

Someday I do wish to have another child. Someday I would love to meet and amazing man and marry him. However THIS day I am happy. My love for my daughter is more than enough to content me.

Guest Post for a Friend...

I was asked to contribute to a series of guest posts on the blog of a friend and fellow survivor of marriage to a pedophile.


I am proud to know her and wanted to link the post and her blog in general to my readers. Read and learn... Thank you!



http://www.lifeturnedupsidedown.com/

Remember the feeling

Memories come in lots of different packaging. Most of the time we see them with our inner eye, they are a visual experience. According to science the sense of smell is the most powerful in regard to conjuring up memories. The smell of a person, a certain food or a certain environment can take you back to one powerful moment in time or help you relive a whole childhood. It is amazing how our mind works.

I sometimes use this to my advantage. My favorite way to travel to my happy place is to open a bottle of Coppertone Baby Sun Screen and take in a few deep breathes. Instantly I am transported to The Jersey Shore, surrounded by my family, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I loved/love it there. I never remember being sad in that place, which is why I choose it as my memory of choice when I need a pick me up.

This weekend I had a dream. In it I was with a man, nobody to me in real life, just a dream guy. I can’t quite remember what was going on in the dream, just one moment when the man came over to me, wrapped a blanket over my shoulders and hugged me. Then I was wrapped in no just a blanket, but a familiar feeling, and emotion I had almost forgotten. It was love, the feeling of being loved. I felt it so clearly. It has been a long time since that sensation has come over me. A distant memory that I now can’t ever even say was totally and completely genuine. The man I loved the most in this world was just a cover for a sicko, but my emotions were always real. Yes, I dated a great guy after my divorce and I loved him, but it wasn’t the same. I still don’t know if this was because he was the wrong guy or if I was, maybe still am, damaged.

All I know is, I keep thinking about that dream. How it felt when the man’s arms went around me. How easy, calming and natural it all was. This memory came from my heart. It was a reminder that love can be a beautiful thing. That it doesn’t have to be complicated. Remembering this is important, and it took more than words or visuals to really drive this point home for me. I had to feel it. The memory that came wrapped in a blanket.

How To... Pack a Car

This post will hopefully be helpful to any new parents or even some veterans! I have realized that over the past 2 years I have learned to be prepared. I was reminded of this yesterday when I had to pick Nugget up from school because she was sick.


I will take this opportunity to go over how I pack my car. Now my car can be quite a dumping ground… I know some parents know how this can happen, BUT there is a method to at least SOME of my madness.

Every person, parent or not should have an emergency kit in their car:
-Flares
-Reflectors
-Emergency blanket
-First aid kit (remember to include a dose of any medications you or your child may need)
-Flashlight
-Whistle
-Gas Card (I think it is a good idea to have at least a $10 gas card on hand IN my glove compartment because I have left home without my wallet and an almost empty tank)
-I also have a tiny one use jumper box, given to me as a Christmas gift. It fits in the glove box and plugs into the cigarette lighter. Pretty cool, huh?? I will share an image below.

Emergency food:
-For everyday circumstances you should carry some basic snacks for you and your child. A long day running errands or just a spontaneous case of the munchies can make anyone cranky. Remember to consider the weather. You don’t want your applesauce to freeze or your cheese snacks to melt. Here are some ideas:
-Granola
-Trail mix
-Cheerios
-String cheese
-Crackers
-Fruit/dried fruit
-Water

I am also a fan of keeping at least a small “emergency” store of food, food that you can use if you for any reason become stranded away from expedient help. Maybe I watch too much Survivor Man, but you never know!! This stuff doesn’t spoil easily or often.
-Beef Jerky
-Meal replacement bars (i.e. - Cliff or Luna)
-Water
-Nuts



Clothing:
Most parents carry an extra outfit for small children. I think it is best to always have a seasonally appropriate outfit for any child you have in your car regularly AND yourself. Remember socks, shoes and undergarments! You may never need them, but there may come a day when you get caught by the rain/snow/mud/mother nature ::wink:: and you will be SOOOO thankful for that stuff! Another example: I was at work and wearing cute, but uncomfortable work clothing when my grandpa was admitted to the hospital. It was a blessing to have some casual and comfortable clothing to change into as we sat in the hospital waiting room.
-I suggest an older or cheaper pair of jeans (Old navy or Target have decent jeans under $20)
-T-shirt (I recommend a plain, solid color)
-1 piece of outerwear (jacket, fleece, hoodie)
-Socks
-Old sneakers or other comfortable flats
-Cheap gloves (for winter)
-1 full outfit for your child (Wal-mart and Target have cheap and cute baby/toddler clothing for about $5 a piece. They even have cheap sneakers for under $10)

Toiletry kit:
For some of the same reasons listed above you should carry a travel size grooming kit.
-Toothpaste
-Toothbrush
-Floss/flosser
-Deodorant
-Cleansing wipes
-Hair ties
-Bobby pins

Basic make up. Single ladies, we are human! Sometimes, especially on a Friday, we may actually be invited out with friends or ::gasp:: on a date! Never be caught without at least the basics. This is also good for those days when we are running late and may forget to finish our beauty routine before heading to work:
-Concealer
-Lip color
-Mascara
-Subtle/neutral eye shadow

Baby Basics:
-Diapers (5 of them in the car somewhere) For those times when you open your diaper bag away from home to find it without any diapers.
-Wipes
-Toys (Keep it to a minimum, 2-3 items, and try to make at least 1 item something like a etch-a-sketch or magnadoodle)
-Books (again 2-3)
-Plastic shopping bags (for dirty diapers or soiled clothing)
-Re-usable shopping bags for the random stuff that accumulates (children’s toys, books, artwork..) having a bag on hand can help you get everything into the house in one trip.

I hope this has been at least a little helpful! Getting my car packed in a way I am now happy with took a lot of trial and error. I am very happy to have these things on hand now and I feel a lot more prepared for almost any situation.

Loving myself on the outside

I love myself more today than I ever have in the past. From the day in 5th grade when I realized that I had start wearing a bra, much to my chagrin, all the way through high school and college when I wished for those once hated boobs to grow and thought I was fat. I was never completely at home in my own skin. I was also uncomfortable with my personality. I filled silences with jokes or funny stories. Yes, I love being funny and enjoy my ability to make people laugh, but I admit it was mostly a way to try to get people to like me… I wanted them to like me in a way I could not bring myself to. Maybe in their eyes, smiles and enthusiastic laughter I would see a Becca that I could love. These insecurities lead to a life as a people pleaser. I would say yes, when other friends would say no, I would listen when others would cut a person off and I would stay when a more confident person would walk away. I thank my lucky stars that I was smart enough not to fall for come-ons from sleazy guys who only wanted one thing… BUT though I had few boyfriends I found it hard to see the end of a relationship. I wanted to hold on to the love I had felt from them. I let them get away with not calling me for days, name calling, ignoring me and other things that should have been red flags. Well, that time in my life is over.

After everything that happened with my X I found strength in myself that I could truly be proud of. I was proud of myself and respected myself. I spent time in therapy working through my old issues and getting a better grasp on who I really was. I rejoined my soccer team, took a new class and spent time with my family and friends. The whole time I was me and much to my surprise people still liked me even when I didn’t fill the silences, even when I wasn’t joking around. Over the past 2 years I have built up my self-confidence. They always tell you it is what on the inside that counts and so that was my focus.

It was successful. I love myself on the inside. I respect myself and I feel comfortable being Becca. The one area that I am still lacking is love for my physical appearance. I am still 10 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby and 15 lbs heavier than my “happy” weight. Beyond that my body is just not the same. There are stretch marks, scars, dimples and discolorations where they once did not exist. I see my hips stretched out and slightly hanging over my size 12 pants and I long for the days of milky white, smooth skin, unmarked by the pull of a pregnant belly. How could I have thought I was fat before? I would die to be my old size 10. Only one size away, but my body was tight, toned and even. No muffin top. No need for spanx or complicated shapers. I have to learn to accept what I cannot change and find the strength to work on the things that I do have power over. I can eat better. I can exercise more. That I can do.

Ladies, I know I am not alone. We give over our whole self, physical appearance included to bring our children into this world. The problem is we usually look at ourselves through the eyes of others. We see our scars with the perception we believe others will have. My goal is to see my body through nobody’s eyes but my own. I will appreciate and honor my health. I will look in the mirror and see the beauty before me. I will praise myself for being strong enough to be a mother. I will dress my body in clothing that will highlight my majesty rather than a bunch of material that will hide me flaws. I will take pride in myself, even if I am wear sweatpants after a long day I will try to radiate the confidence that I feel inside. I hope all of my followers will do the same.

As this journey continues I will keep you all updated. Hopefully this will end up being a love story about how I fell head over heels for myself.

Free time: WTF

When parents find themselves with free time it can be a great thing. When a single/only parent finds themselves with free time it can be confusing and kind of scary. It comes so rarely that we feel guilty about embracing it because we could be cleaning, cooking, playing with our children, catching up with friends or organizing bills. There is always something to do. I am here to tell all of you that you should have a night where you stay home and do nothing!

Going out with friends is fun, but you usually stay up too late and possibly drink too much. I know many parents who get a night off and spend it making up for lost time… this will only leave you more tired than you were before and possibly physically ill. It is fun to party hard once in a blue moon, but my suggestion is to keep yourself in check and restore yourself instead.

This past weekend I had a “night off”. My parents took Nugget for a full 24 hours! I didn’t know what to do with myself! I did spend the morning cleaning and organizing, because damn my house needed it. Cleaning without a child hanging on your leg or messing things up in the next room was actually relaxing. Around 3pm I made an executive decision not to do anything else that day. I got myself some take out, revved up my DVR and busted out my bubble bath. After relaxing in a sweet smelling, hot tub I snuggled in for a veg session. I have not been able to watch tv uninterrupted in this fashion for almost 2 years. I went to bed at a decent hour and SLEPT IN!!! Yes, it was only 8:30am when I woke up, but that is 3 hours of extra sleep in my world. I was thankful for it.

So, my suggestion for all of you parents out there, especially you ONLY PARENTS is to find a night that some family can take your little angel and do nothing but relax. It is so tempting to do chores or go out and hit the town… DON’T!!! For God’s sake get some sleep and enjoy the quiet. That is an order.