Mothers are truly special to most children. They are the first person you will ever bond with. From in the womb you learn their smell, taste in foods and the sound of her voice. After you are born you are fed from her breast (at least in my case) and you are never more calm then when you are in her arms. That feeling never totally goes away. Sometimes a hug from your mother can make everything right, even for a brief moment.
Rosemary, my mom, was one of 6 kids. She has three sisters and two brothers. She is the youngest girl and has a reputation as the rebel of the group. She was a hippie in the 60's and 70's. She protested, burn her bra and is a feminist. At one point she decided not to have children because she believe the world was so currupt that it would be unfair to the child... It is funny to here her say things like that. Despite all of her crazy stories she ended up being a very normal, very loving mother.
My mom threw herself into motherhood. Breastfeeding for at least 6 months and usually longer (2 out of 3 kids were BF'd for almost a year). She took her babies everywhere strapped to her chest or back. Made baby food from scratch... you get the point! My mom was involved. She was always there for us and still is.
When my X was arrested my dad, sister and brother all went into anger mode. They were all pissed at X and spent most of there time talking about how horrible he was (true of course, but I was not there yet), my mom was the only one who held back. She knew that no matter how horrible my X was, I was still falling out of love with him. I needed to be handled with care. Hearing every detail all at once was too much for me. I needed to go through the fog that had settled in front of me.
I was for lack of a better term, a mess. There were a lot of tears. I had trouble eating and sleeping. My mom made sure to remind me to eat or have a protien shake. She sat up with me as I cried and came back into my room in the middle of the night when I was scared to be alone. She encouraged me and supported me as I began to stand up for myself and my daughter. She gave me the truth when I needed it while still letting me make my own choices. After me c-section she took care of me just as she had years before, when I had open heart surgery.
My mom and I do not alway get along, mostly because we are so much alike, but it is because of this that I know she will always be there for me. She knows the same is true for me. Our hearts are loyal, true and tender. Everyone should be so lucky as to have a mother like mine.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Dad
My father is everything a father should be. Funny, kind, gentle, tough when he needs to be and trustworthy. He can goof around with you one minute and discipline you the next. You respect him as his child and the respect comes from a good place and not a place of fear. I will always be grateful that I was blessed with such an amazing example of what a Dad really is. Dads are supposed to be protectors. They make their children, especially their little girls, feel safe and loved. Beyond this a good dad challenges their children. My dad pushed me.
When my brother started playing little league my dad was his coach. He was a great coach and the boys in my brother's class were always excited to learn they would be playing for my father. At the time there was no girls softball league... so my dad invited me to practice with the boys. At first I was embarrassed, but my dad told me that it was all about how hard I tried and not how good I was. I will never forget stepping up to the plate, staring at the boy I had a crush on as he pitched me the ball. I missed pitch after pitch, strike after strike. I wanted to cry. My dad pulled me off to the side and told me to be tough. Missing a few pitches, striking out was no reason to cry. It was my first try at bat! Not everyone even has the courage to step up to the plate. He pointed out that most of the boys were striking out too. He ended the talk by saying that if at the end of the season I was not having fun then I didn't have to play baseball/softball, but I had made a commitment to practice with him and I have to honor that commitment.
I retired my bat for the day and took off into the feild. My dad had a lot of faith in me he let me rotate every position just like the rest of the boys. It was when I was at second base that something happened. A classmate of mine hit a hard, bouncing, ground ball to me. I went to field it and it popped up and hit me in the nose. I threw the ball to first base and ran off the diamond, I was hurt. As I sat crying on the bench with my mom and a bag of ice I thought about how enbarrassed I was. All the boys must think I am such a baby!
Practice ended and we loaded into the car. My dad was smiling and asked me how I felt. I told him my face hurt and I felt stupid. He laughed at me! When we got home he sat with me and told me that he was proud of me. He watched the play unfold from the sidelines and though he wanted to run out and comfort me as soon as he saw me get hit... he was glad he held back.
"Do you realize that you still got the out?" Dad said to me.
"What?" I responded
"You got hit in the face, hard, and still managed to make the throw to first before you broke down and cried! For a seven year old that shows a lot of guts and dedication. You are going to be an amazing athlete."
My dad still tells that story. To this day he references it to remind me how tough I am. It is partly because of him that I have the guts to push through the bad times. He helped shape me into a strong woman. Knowing he is behind me, watching the plays unfold, pushing me and ready to jump in and help only when necessary gives me the confidence I need to keep moving forward. Now Nugget has the honor of having my dad in her life. Pop Pop as she calls him, will always be there for her. He will show her what it is to be a good man... and he will also show her how to throw a baseball.
When my brother started playing little league my dad was his coach. He was a great coach and the boys in my brother's class were always excited to learn they would be playing for my father. At the time there was no girls softball league... so my dad invited me to practice with the boys. At first I was embarrassed, but my dad told me that it was all about how hard I tried and not how good I was. I will never forget stepping up to the plate, staring at the boy I had a crush on as he pitched me the ball. I missed pitch after pitch, strike after strike. I wanted to cry. My dad pulled me off to the side and told me to be tough. Missing a few pitches, striking out was no reason to cry. It was my first try at bat! Not everyone even has the courage to step up to the plate. He pointed out that most of the boys were striking out too. He ended the talk by saying that if at the end of the season I was not having fun then I didn't have to play baseball/softball, but I had made a commitment to practice with him and I have to honor that commitment.
I retired my bat for the day and took off into the feild. My dad had a lot of faith in me he let me rotate every position just like the rest of the boys. It was when I was at second base that something happened. A classmate of mine hit a hard, bouncing, ground ball to me. I went to field it and it popped up and hit me in the nose. I threw the ball to first base and ran off the diamond, I was hurt. As I sat crying on the bench with my mom and a bag of ice I thought about how enbarrassed I was. All the boys must think I am such a baby!
Practice ended and we loaded into the car. My dad was smiling and asked me how I felt. I told him my face hurt and I felt stupid. He laughed at me! When we got home he sat with me and told me that he was proud of me. He watched the play unfold from the sidelines and though he wanted to run out and comfort me as soon as he saw me get hit... he was glad he held back.
"Do you realize that you still got the out?" Dad said to me.
"What?" I responded
"You got hit in the face, hard, and still managed to make the throw to first before you broke down and cried! For a seven year old that shows a lot of guts and dedication. You are going to be an amazing athlete."
My dad still tells that story. To this day he references it to remind me how tough I am. It is partly because of him that I have the guts to push through the bad times. He helped shape me into a strong woman. Knowing he is behind me, watching the plays unfold, pushing me and ready to jump in and help only when necessary gives me the confidence I need to keep moving forward. Now Nugget has the honor of having my dad in her life. Pop Pop as she calls him, will always be there for her. He will show her what it is to be a good man... and he will also show her how to throw a baseball.
Friday, September 2, 2011
What is in a name?: A letter to Juliet.
"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;" -Juliet (Romoe and Juliet)
Dear Juliet,
You pose an interesting question. What IS in a name? Does changing your name really change who you are? How you feel? I am here to tell you that names do in fact hold a significant amount of power.
Every day your name is used hundreds of times. It is among the first words spoken during an introduction. When you send emails it sits in your signature, at the end of letters and when written in cursive can serve as pledge... a contractual promise to others. Nothing is legal without at least one signature. A name to seal a promise. When a woman changes her name and takes that of her husband it shows that she has made a pledge to him. The groom gives his name as a gift, to let his wife know that he wants to be bound to her. Now they are identified together as a unit.
A name identifies you. Like it or not words do carry more than just s dictionary definition, they hold meaning. Names are no different. They are a part of history, your family tree and your life. It is proven that bearing certain names can bring more prosperity. On the flip side there are also names that are shown to hinder a persons success in the workplace. There is a reason the use of the name Adolf, once popular in Germany, is practically extinct there now.
Now lets talk about this rose. If it were called a poopchute would the smell change? No, but poopchute isn't very poetic is it? Would a flower with a less melodious name be the subject of prose, sonnets or song? I argue it would not. Like the rose, I am the same under any name. Rebecca A or Rebecca X, I am always Becca... but under the name X I have suffered greatly. I am associated with a disgusting man and his crimes. I made the choice to not pass on this name to my daughter, she deserves better. I live for the day to be legally who I am spiritually "Rebecca A". To be set free from the name that has brought me no happiness.
You see Juliet. A name may not be everything, but it is something. I believe it is something so dearly important that a person should fight for it. I know this may be a hard concept to grasp as a 13-15 year old girl.... but I hope someday my daughter will look at me and thank me for giving her not only my maiden name, but my middle name. I know she will wear the name proudly and build on the already deep meaning they hold within our family.
In closing, Juliet, I suggest not getting to wrapped up in this Romeo character. Word on the street is that last week he was in love with some chick named Rosaline... just saying maybe you two should take it slow.
Sincerely the woman formally known and hopefully soon to be known as again,
Rebecca A
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
She works hard for the money!
Donna Summer would be proud! I applied for a part time job yesterday to add to my already crazy schedule. I will be working two evenings a week and Saturdays. My mom and dad will be watching Nugget and my friend is my back up.
By putting in a little extra time I will be making an additional $400 (or close to it) a month. This will take me from "poor single mom" to "getting by but exhausted, single mom". In about a year I will be able to sell my condo and from the moment I sell the place I will go from "getting by" to "more than comfortable"!!
Also, if my X-MIL pays a portion of X's child support (like she said she would in court) then I will also be able to pay down the debt I have accumulated over the last year as a single mother with no child support. I will however not be counting on this money because ultimately it is not X-MIL's responsibility.
So, here I am filling a single mom stereo type. Working two jobs to get by and provide a better life for my baby. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I can see the day when there will be no stress over money and lets face it, 2 years of struggling is nothing compared to some people. I am thankful that I have found a way to make everything work!
By putting in a little extra time I will be making an additional $400 (or close to it) a month. This will take me from "poor single mom" to "getting by but exhausted, single mom". In about a year I will be able to sell my condo and from the moment I sell the place I will go from "getting by" to "more than comfortable"!!
Also, if my X-MIL pays a portion of X's child support (like she said she would in court) then I will also be able to pay down the debt I have accumulated over the last year as a single mother with no child support. I will however not be counting on this money because ultimately it is not X-MIL's responsibility.
So, here I am filling a single mom stereo type. Working two jobs to get by and provide a better life for my baby. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I can see the day when there will be no stress over money and lets face it, 2 years of struggling is nothing compared to some people. I am thankful that I have found a way to make everything work!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Not Divorced Yet
Court today was at 10am, though it was delayed. Turns out my X thinks we need more time to work out an agreement. Since he is in prison he only gets 15 mins on the phone with his lawyer at a time. I know for a fact that prisoners can call more than once in a day though! All X needs to say is "I agree to the generous offer my soon-to-be-ex wife has suggested." That takes like 3 seconds?
Anyway... I had a feeling this would happen today, so I was sorta prepared. I get REALLY nervous on court days. I can't concentrate and it is hard for me to get things done at work. So even though I only had to be there for a couple hours I basically got nothing done today. I blame X for this too.
Sorry this post does not flow very well, but like I said I can barely focus. I just want to be divorced! UGH!!
That is all for now!
Anyway... I had a feeling this would happen today, so I was sorta prepared. I get REALLY nervous on court days. I can't concentrate and it is hard for me to get things done at work. So even though I only had to be there for a couple hours I basically got nothing done today. I blame X for this too.
Sorry this post does not flow very well, but like I said I can barely focus. I just want to be divorced! UGH!!
That is all for now!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Bad dreams
3 nights this week I have had nightmares about my X showing up at different places within my everyday life. Each time he screams at me and even pushes me. I freak out and scream back, try to dial 911 and I can't hit the numbers correctly.
I hate this. He is in prison and should not be able to make me feel so threatened! Deep down I am terrified for the day he gets out of prison. He said to me a couple times that he intends to be a part of Nugget's life EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is in denial, but his denial scares me. When I reminded him that it is against the law for him to be in any area that children frequent including parks, schools, malls or pretty much anywhere he told me that he could be there.... I know it is 7 years away and this may all sink in before then, but he is a stubborn man. His temper has always scared me. It was hardly ever directed at me so I never thought it would be a problem. Now I think about him actually trying to get in my face or take my child because he feels he has the right.
The fact that I am so afraid of him makes me sad. I do not want to live in fear of a day where he may snap. I hope these fears are unfounded. The truth is I hope his family and personal history of high cholestorol and heart disease catches up to him. Maybe one of the moles I tried to tell him to get removed a million times while we were married will ironically become cancerous. Dying at a young age of natural causes would be great example of Karma... plus Nugget could benefit from his social security... and never having to know him... and we could all sleep a bit easier.
I hate this. He is in prison and should not be able to make me feel so threatened! Deep down I am terrified for the day he gets out of prison. He said to me a couple times that he intends to be a part of Nugget's life EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is in denial, but his denial scares me. When I reminded him that it is against the law for him to be in any area that children frequent including parks, schools, malls or pretty much anywhere he told me that he could be there.... I know it is 7 years away and this may all sink in before then, but he is a stubborn man. His temper has always scared me. It was hardly ever directed at me so I never thought it would be a problem. Now I think about him actually trying to get in my face or take my child because he feels he has the right.
The fact that I am so afraid of him makes me sad. I do not want to live in fear of a day where he may snap. I hope these fears are unfounded. The truth is I hope his family and personal history of high cholestorol and heart disease catches up to him. Maybe one of the moles I tried to tell him to get removed a million times while we were married will ironically become cancerous. Dying at a young age of natural causes would be great example of Karma... plus Nugget could benefit from his social security... and never having to know him... and we could all sleep a bit easier.
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